whenever i feel bad about myself, which is more often than youd think,

i watch really rich people in suits on tv.

usually the ones with the most power, influence, and fanciness

say the most interesting things.

its almost as if they believe it themselves.

i laugh and i take on the day.

but before you think oh tony you’re patronizing an old man who clearly misspoke

SINCE HE WAS THE MAYOR OF NYC DURING 9/!!

true true, but then what say you of this young lady above

the pretty one who was the white house spokesperson under our last president

who after the ft. hood tragedy in november said almost the same talking points damn thing?

if you dont laugh and feel better about yourself, youre only going to cry.

where they have the map of the USA and its all red cuz Verizon’s coverage area is like allllll over the country, even the parts where no one lives?

then they show the map of AT&T. which looks like its missing a few thousand cities. it looks like an xray of a crackhead’s brain synapses – or whats left of them.

the other day i arrived from canada. i was in the los angeles international airport. i had just picked up my precious bag. young karisa told me to call her when i retrieved my bag and she would drive over from her beach community near the airport and pick my black ass up.

the photo to the right is what i saw on my phone when i tried to call her from LAX.

los angeles.

california.

so tell me this, AT&T, the iphone, which somehow you are allowed to be the ONLY provider of phone service to, is the most popular cellphone in the country. how do you get off providing such lousy coverage that even inside the big huge airport in Los Angeles, a customer cant even make a phone call.

wouldnt you think that at such a place people would probably be using their cell phone more than in any place in town? and wouldnt most of the calls be like this, “im at American baggage claim, where you at?”

or am i the first person to wish to make such a call.

on an iphone

using AT&T

at LAX airport, in los angeles.

in two thousand and ten.

when you are AT&T, one of the largest providers of phone connections in the world, and have been for a really long time, and you refuse to ramp up your coverage to meet the demand of the hugely popular cellphone – some people would call that corporate greed.

i call it a call out to steve jobs.

bro, im gonna end my love affair with your phone if you cant apply some pressure on your bff, att.

thats my new years resolution.

nothing out of the ordinary.

no jersey shore cuz i watch that immediately. im actually happy for mtvs success.

real world is always good, dr drew is adding some classic content with Sober House, Celeb Rehab, and now Sex Rehab.

then our man Morgan J Freeman is busting with 16 & Pregnant and now Teen Mom.

if only they could figure out a way to show us the latest in new music via videos

how ironic that MTV of all places would need a consultant to show them how to return to what got them on top.

and yes, i should be that consultant.

MTV Canada was soooo much better than MTV USA.

but damn im feeling great

something in that z pizza pizza cleared up my sinuses and helped me fall asleep last night at a reasonable hour.

when im sick i like to board up the windows, bolt the doors, and burrow under the house.

in the midwest they have basements. no basements on the west coast. but there is a soft underbelly. thats where i go.

the battery rechargers are there. the river styx flows nearby. aint no women. aint no discos. aint nothing cute or pretty.

you know when a man has gone down under because when he emerges he doesnt smell so good. but he glows. theres no 5 o’clock shadow. even hair knows to stay the f away.

but i do watch a lot of youtube videos. and eat. and blow my nose a lot. normally i have a cute little baby trash can next to my bed. when im sick i roll in one of those industrial dumpsters. i tear through juice containers, cereal boxes, and toilet paper. some people use kleenex. not a fan of kleenex. the little dust bits get in my nose. its a selffufilling prophecy. id rather just rock the paper towels. who cares if my nose turns red. im sick its supposed to be red!

but today friends i pushed the stone away from the hole and i emerged and a beam of sunshine hit me and america ive been healed.

and im back.

i walked outside to my driveway to pick up my paper and i saw that karisas mom had brought me some chicken soup. (see photo above). and i thank her but if i drink one more spoonful of soup im gonna take a knife to arties big belly. (too soon?)

anyways i feel great and i appreciate all the cards, letters, and naughty things you sent to my gmail. i remain in awe of your generosity and trust. peace & love, peace & love.

and lets send our prayers to the baby gorilla and hope he finally gets the help hes been screaming out for.

courtney busting the replacements’ “unsatisfied”

thank you God above.

a few things:

– mrs cobain looks awesome
– i never knew what that song sounded like with a real guitarist on it
– apparently that was a last minute nye rehearsal
– no one howls that tune bettern westerberg
– nice tub in that jr suite

is all the nice emails i get

and even though we havent done an Ask Tony in a while i got this email the other day that i only just got around to investigating.

Tony,

Love you. Love the blog. Question. I know you love the Beastie Boyz and Letterman, me and my girlfriends were watching the time when the Boyz went on Letterman in support of the dvd “Awesome I Shot That” and they gave cameras to a few of the audience members as well as one to David and Paul. Around the 3:20 mark, you can see that David is not shooting the boys at all, but seems to be pointing his camera toward the wings. Earlier in the set one of the cameras is spying on a young woman who isn’t in the audience at all. Twice we see this woman. She is very attractive and seems familiar. Do you think she is one of Dave’s “mistresses”?

Curious,

Roxanne, Ontario, Canada

all i can say is there was a time when The Great White North was so much different than the callus, critical, cynical Lower 48. what happened? didnt you people spend most of your time communing with nature, baking, and reading books? margaret atwood is probably rolling in her grave!

but yes, even at the 1:30 mark dave is obvs not filming the three bad bros you know so well. that young lady at 1:46 sure does look like stephanie birkitt. although she also looks a little like ScarJo. oh well, back to puking so i can go to work demain.

the hottest chick in school wanting to be your girlfriend

it didnt make any sense.

you went along with it but you always felt that any day it would be over.

he looked way too good in that uniform, he played so much better than everyone else, he could hit for power, steal bases, many gold gloves. and he was super nice.

clearly there was a catch.

plus how did we even get him? he was a stud with the Expos for a decade before coming to the Cubs – how was it that he didnt get his big payday with the Yankees or the Dodgers?

around the web non-Cub fans are griping and moaning that Albert Belle or Roberto Alomar were not selected. One guy was a jerk and the other spit on an umpire. It’s good to see that the writers didn’t just look at a guy’s stats and instead looked at his Entire career.

andre dawson was a guy you could show your kid (or your sisters kids) and say, see that guy, he’s what being a baseball player is all about.

and now people can do that when they see his bust in Cooperstown.

so what if the means by which they do it makes the streets smell like Skunk Weed or “The Chronic”?

… what is wrong with me