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thinking about emotions

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the tricky thing about me and emotions are, i don’t think i have a problem with them.

but when my shrink said i should think about them, i didn’t even know what to think about.

and i sure as hell couldnt even list them. so here they are… and i’m a bit surprised.

  1. happiness – easy. that is what i strive for all the time, even in here a blog where nothing’s true
  2. sadness – every Cub fan knows this one by heart, which is why we develop habits early on
  3. fear – the only thing i fear is not going to Heaven. everything else can kiss my ass. which is probably why the xbi recruited me.
  4. disgust – i didnt even know that was a primary emotion, but i guess it makes sense. things are gross and people can often be very disappointing so, ok learned something here.
  5. anger – yep thats an easy one.
  6. surprise – again, never knew that was a main emotion but good. im glad it is. i like being pleasantly surprised.

so lets dig in deeper with that last one.

some surprises i love, some i hate.

i like to be surprised in movies, with endings of stories, or learning nice things about people who i had low expectations for.

i dont like surprises like im being fired or i owe the feds a bunch of cash, or my mechanic has retired.

overall i think most of the surprises in my life have been positive ones. naturally some were terrible but im still playing with the house’s money so far.

probably the best surprises for me have been when people have said very nice things to me. or dropped their panties. or had no panties. women are weirdly full of surprises and sometimes they can deliver you ones you havent ever expected. we are very different, men and women, so i shouldnt be that shocked, but again, often i have been met with more good surprises than crazy ones.

but — and maybe this is where fear comes in — are the good surprises drying up? maybe not. did i tell you about the sweetest series of texts i got from a woman from my past? she said the nicest things and i sincerely thought she had zero energy on me once she got hitched. but then out of the blue last week a rainstorm of niceness was showered on me. me?

i have so many questions if i make it to heaven.

hell, i have questions about this assignment. but i guess step one about thinking about emotions is defining what they are and we just did that so class dismissed for the day.

ps: i do have 20 years of blog posts on this bad boy, now that we know the terms, how interesting would it be if i documented how often i used any of those six emotional words?

songs ive been enjoying lately

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kurdt cobain said lists are good for us 

mr recordman – ugly kid joe

lana del rey – white dress

we’ve got tonight – bob seger

hey hey what can i do – led zeppelin

all my favorite songs – weezer

the grates – aw yeah

rancid – ghost band

the clash – career opportunities (sandinista version)

the cure – love song

bob dylan – on a night like this

drivers license – olivia rodrigo

MONTERO (call me by your name) – lil nas x

 

 

this was my ipad when i was a kid

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most of the time i was thinking to my little ass self

how cool is it that these cars get an elevator

i had a good day today.

did a lot of work. also helped out a neighbor.

also drove in circles because i was gonna go to venice and surprise someone but then i came back to meet someone else

but everything ended up to be phonecalls and texts and emails.

i was on the phone a lot and as i was i paced in my courtyard

i literally got 15,000 steps in just doing that.

my neighbors probably hate me

got a terrible burrito at this famous taco joint

went grocery store shopping and they had lobster tails for $5 which is sus so i passed

and now im cleaning up my entire house because

its time.

i made so little money last year

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the state wants to give me my income tax return

but they want me to prove i’m me because they can’t believe im actually alive.

not only am i alive but i learned so much during the Plague

for one, i learned how to cook because eating out is so expensive in LA

and the things i like for some reason costs like $15 in the world

but only like $2 at the grocery store.

on Fridays they sell a whole, cooked chicken for $5.

i take these rubber gloves and just peel all the meat and skin off that thing and put it in a big thing of tupperware. that’ll last a week.

because what i’ll do is open up a can of soup, a can of kidney beans, a half cup of frozen peas, and some of that chicken. maybe a little rice or pasta if i have some left over.

thats like lunch and dinner right there, especially once i air fry some big ass slices of sourdough.

maybe ill slice some avocados on top

and cheese

and MSG

and hot sauce

and salsa.

super easy.

just as good as melrose.

cubs swept the dodgers

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began the day awkwardly.

then i was told i would be having guests in 30 minutes who wanted things.

they arrived, i gave them what they were looking for.

worked. rested. worked. took a walk.

weird thing about LA right now is all the busses are unofficially free because of COVID.

since im vaccinated i wouldnt mind riding the bus all day but im working now.

so when i get my steps in im always looking over my shoulder to see if the bus is coming so i can ride it and take a load off.

passed a woman yelling at her empty crack pipe.

saw a car accident.

then hung out at my local bodega i guess youd call it and talked with the cashier lady, Rose, and the older guy who tells jokes all day, George

i told George i wanted to get him on Tik Tok bc who knows he might turn into a star.

then i told him with the money i would buy him a big tv to stream all the documentaries he likes

George sits by the door of the store and reads the paper when he isnt telling everyone jokes.

he said he wasnt interested in tv.

i said imma get you one bigger than this security monitor – which is about 40 inches.

he said he likes his walls empty

so i told him i was going to give him a small projector that he could hook up to his phone

he laughed because he has no phone.

then i cooked and watched the cubs and as it was going on

this beautiful woman from my past

way out of my league even back then

type of woman a rock star with excellent taste in fashion would have dated

texted me a whole list of wonderful compliments

and reminded me that i used to have bible study with her

“you showed me the most glorious form of Christianity I’ve ever seen. You are such an amazing steward of that religion,” she said.

usually im glad i have no long term memory but now im wondering what the heck were our conversations about the good book? and how is it an atheist would have liked what i said?

anyway it made my day and then the cubs won in extras.

tomorrow i talk to my shrink.

maybe about the mean texts i got earlier in the day.

today was a hard day

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most of them are not hard but today was

i went to bed early and woke up early, that part was fine

had a nice business meeting where the boss said nice things about me to everyone.

that was fine.

later i watched videos of this guy traveling the world and he does it in his own non bs way

and its inspiring and i want to do that but in a smaller scope

so that was fine

but somewhere in the middle bad things happened

and i saw a guy smoking crack at a bus stop bench

first i passed him and tweeted about it

then i did things and came back an hour later and he was still playing with that pipe

mesmerized by it

so much so he didnt notice me shooting video of him

i hope to be in love with a woman one day as much as he was in love with that pipe

can love do that?

have i been in that sorta love?

of course

ive stared into some eyes the way he was staring at the possibility of that tiny bulb

when people talk i look at their mouth

i know everything about their dentistry

but when i was an uber driver usually all i could see was their eyes

and now with these damn masks i melted into some eyes just the other day

but she was a sox fan

and we acknowledged right there that there would be no way

ive even forgotten her name because it is such an impossibility

but the real question is can someone my age truly become so obsessively in love as i did when i was younger

it is harder because back then you hadn’t done much so you imagine all the things love will be able to do for you

and you imagine all the things having a live-in naked partner could be like

and after a while you see what it really is

and worse you see how much you change in their presence

sometimes not for the best.

so can you fall hopelessly ever again?

guess

i wonder about my first girlfriend mary

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we used to talk on the phone for hours every day. was it a year? more?

it was our internet.

never ran out of things to talk about.

how is that even possible?

there were three channels on TV and obviously i wasnt doing my homework

what on earth could two teens in the middle of nowhere be saying?

what opinions could have formed by then?

then she moved to california

then i moved to california

and then almost right away she was a mom with kids

and a man who turned out to not be great.

should there be fortune tellers?

just like in major situations like that: do NOT marry this man,

but i guess the kids. maybe the boys are good.

of course theyre good.

so maybe we dont need fortune tellers.

maybe some things are worth the sadness.

it would be weird to have dinner with her after all this time.

maybe too weird.

but she did teach me how to write every day.

we are going on the fourth month of my bachelorhood

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it is weird not having a beautiful woman in my home.

after four years you get used to things.

one thing i got used to was her cooking for me.

and since i have been unemployed, it’s not like i can just have Postmates cook for me.

so i have been going to the store several times a week, i make all the things i like: ribs, shrimp, beyond meat, rice, pasta, and so many peas.

but my favorite thing to do is get a can of soup and dump a bunch of frozen peas in there, then some pieces of $5 rotisserie chicken and a starch of some sort.

the soup brings the flavors i would never be able to create.

lately ive been air frying some thick pieces of bread.

serves 1 all day.

i walk around hollywood all the time and their ghosts are everywhere

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i can feel them. i have spidey senses. i dont talk to them. i dont hear them

but theyre there.

youre here too. in my heart. in my thoughts. in my prayers.

chaplin, keaton, houdini, kobain

mostly dudes.

vibes are everything to me. im not great at deciphering them but i know when theyre there.

hollywood blvd is just oozing with them.

the subway goes under it because all the recording studios on sunset didnt want the rumblings under them which is fine with me

because being under hollywood is almost as good as being in it.

because its all about creativity

making something new out of thin air

making something funny forever

making something classic and universal and inspiring for generations to come

bukowski lived here

he didnt die here

Lived

there was a crazy man playing with himself on my block

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for four-five hours he acted crazy and brought a ton of attention to me, my neighbors, and the rest of the people on the block

the nearby church has a pretty good security team and one of them brought their police dog over.

nothing scared this dude.

nothing got him to move away from the apartment building he seemed attracted to.

finally i just walked over to him and tried to be the peacemaker.

brother, this is the wrong block to do this at

he looked at me. handsomely.
his shirt wasnt off yet, but it would be.

i said you keep flinching around and that dog is going to eat you.

or

the cops are going to come and they are going to shoot you.

and i do not want another black man dying on this street.

the man said

i dont believe you.

i said

all you have to do is walk to the end of this block and you’ll be safe, this is hollywood, handsome dudes yanking off in the middle of the street simply means nature is healing

but they are going to shoot your or eat you here.

his reply?

not sure. it was in German.

which is super scary because he had been whispering in English as i was talking.

super hot chick came out of a nearby apartment. because we are all wearing masks all i could see was her magically brown eyes and batwing mascara

eventually id notice her super tight yoga pants.

within minutes we discovered that she was a White Sox fan and we could never get married, but we could at least be friends.

at some point she tried negotiating with the man but that just made him stick his hand

S

down his pants and get back to work.

people say he had been doing that for hours in between stabbing his fist at the wind

and smearing gooped up trash into a fence.

so i said, look if youre gonna talk to him im going to put together a care package

i went home, put socks, water, chips, and muffins in a Target bag.

i returned and said, here, take this, but eat it at the corner.

he said, im not going to eat your poison.

i said, the dog is going to eat you.

is that how you want to die?

he said im never going to die.

i said, in spirit, true

because im going to write about you.