today i was so busy i coulda totally used four arms and four legs.

today i was so busy i didnt even have time to turn on the tee vee even though my phone was ringing saying that the congress was finally gonna impeach the vice president, i couldnt turn on my itunes to hear my new girlfriend that chick who sings the cover to hot in herre.

and worst of all i couldnt open the window to hear the little birdies chirp as they do each morning after the the autoshop next door gets done scraping paint off beaters.

LAist is having an editors meeting over at my house and i hafta clean up and order some pizza pies but i remembered that i hadnt blogged in the busblog and i know how four legged four armed girls get all sad inside when theres no movement on the busblog so i will tell you this little girl.

youre probably the most special person in the whole world.

if i was mtv id give you a show this minute.

even once they make you like everyone else, youre still the most special person in the world, narrowly beating out the guy who caught a bullet with his teeth on thats incredible.

please dont pose for playboy in 20 years.

and i dont want to pretend like i walked out a Man, but mama mia the things that i learned and experienced and am still trying to figure out in my head…

one of the most fascinating people i met was a tiny little whisp of a dream named Death.

somehow the lord put her in my dorm. st. nicholas dorm. aptly named because every day a little bit of Christmas arrived.

one day i looked out my window and there was Death dressed in black, platinum hair, reading a book, under a palm tree. just like it was the most normal thing in the world.

she was marilyn manson way before he even got outta grade school. she was s&m before there were letters for it. she was the scariest person id ever seen and yet incredibly beautiful and short and petite and thin and wow.

one day she came up to me and told me that she read my newspaper articles and i said hi and she said hi and we chit chatted very quietly as isla vista errupted around us and a week later i saw a party with all these people going crazy and there she was doing a tassle dance

later she said hi and i said hi and she said i have a knife under my bed

and i said please tell me everything about your knife and your bed and you.

and she said oftentimes i wake up and i cant believe ive been tricked into being close to another man, and i reach under the bed and i pull out the knife

and i thought, remember to make out with her on the beach.

timmmmmaaaaay brings us a recent picture of kim, who clearly stills got it

raymi: why havent u blogged about my weblogs awards yet
look who is beating me for f sake

me: busy weekend. btw im speaking at that event

raymi: yes u said that. i need votes now! u wantto be speaknig about yourfriend right
http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-canadian-blog-1.php

me: tell people you will get naked or something if you win. or you wont if you lose.

raymi: no. jus tfucknig do it now!

me: crap, youre getting creamed

raymi: yeah but i can close in if u help me

me: why hasnt mg helped?

raymi: i close in and then at nite she magically gets 500 + votes the weblog guys are looking in to see if theres cheating afoot
cos he refuses to

me: ahahaha

raymi: i need your fucknig help now
NOW

me: send me a hot pic, and i will put it on my blog

raymi: http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/1848406963/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/1848406721/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/1849229254/
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2039/1848403005_0b54c8dcf9_o.jpg
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2078/1848403507_b488546fd9_o.jpg

me: ok youre getting there. but i need horizontal

raymi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuEu8MbL6Oo

me: how you gonna get votes in the shadows

raymi: dude ive got millions of fofots jeez they know wha ti look like
im stressing here and no onecares hjut do it already

me: i like the vid. post coming up in 1 min

raymi: thanky so much

they can vote everyday til nov 8

and talk shit abitu the competition
conservative soulless link dump blog

me: k

Vote For Raymi Y’all

Sent at 11:14 AM on Monday

and maybe she isnt but there are very few people who make me feel the way she does.

in a perfect world everyone would make me feel the way she does because for some reason she can do pretty much no wrong. she was all, hi tony i know its early but if youre there pick up.

and i jumped outta bed and ran for the phone and it was day light savings day

the one morning where you can sleep in one extra hour. and its a sunday. and it was a sunday where the bears werent even playing. so fer sure i was gonna sleep as long as i could.

but when its a telephone call from africa. the mother land. the wild jungles. and its yr baby, youre happy to almost slip on a little note from another saying shes tired of your bullshit.

join the club baby. ive been tired of my bullshit since the start which is why im hoping you cheerleaders can change something.

hello baby. hi. hi baby. hi. the delay isnt bad. shes telling me about how she got whiplash but how the drugs have started to kick in and how this african woman gave her the full blown swedish massage of all time but it was like lifesaving.

she told me about how the queen was coming to town and all the kids from the hospital the ones with no legs or one leg were all getting read to dance (!) for her because africans gotta dance and because when you have soul, you gotta roll.

and she said the no legged aids kids were making her cry cuz they were so awesome and she was saying that her bootleg video shop down the road just got the Heroes season 1 dvd and she watched them all and was all omg omg OMG

and we talked about everything and after a half hour i was all you deserve your next massage to include a happy ending and she laughed and said nah and i was all i cant wait to see you im gonna do all the things a man should do to a woman

and she was all tony! and i was all baby i saw two girls get it on right in front of me and she said where i said in canada she said get out i said no its called ooooot get ooot. and baby two girls together hi they get their ears wet. she was all im sorry i think our connection is bad. i was all, baby no wonder we broke up i never got even one ear wet.

but she was being honest, the connection was bad, so i called her back. i was all, baby they get their elbows wet too. and she laughed. and laughed and i dont know about a lot of things. like maybe i know one thing or two things about blogging. but i do know about love. and i love that girl with my entire heart. and its nice to know some things. sometimes.

she said oh but ive gained so much weight and i was all gain more. i was all bring all of afrique back to me. in yr ass. i said i dont care if you have to be wheeled home in a wheel chair, as soon as you get to baggage claim im gonna knock over that wheelchair and do you right there in front of the screaming kids.

and we were disconnected and when i called back she was still laughing because in every joke theres a grain three full inches of truth

i really dont get as much tail as my writing staff portrays me as receiving.

so when i go to canada and my cup overfloweth, oftentimes right in front of busblog readers, the myth not only continues but it grows at rates of 5% just like the looney to the dollar.

which is why i shouldnta been shocked to receive an overnight international package from the great white north containing a super sweet zippered hoodie from a super sweet unzipperd hottie. but there it was yesterday on my doorstep and it was just one of the nice little unexpected nice things that happened to me this week.

the other was, out of the blue, one of the hottest babes on my gmail buddy list just came right out and said that she was “attracted” to me, but that there was a small matter of her boyfriend.

as many of you know, recently i celebrated my 101st birthday. so to receive such a compliment from a girl nearly 1/5 my age was slightly amazing.

and sometimes my friends the thought does count. especially since i cant even remember the last time any one actually said that to me. in america at least.

last night i took a teenage runaway from the valley to ucla to see … And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead at ackerman’s grand ball room, as they opened up for Adult Swim’s metal cartoon band Dethklok.

now if theres one school thats soft in LA it’s UCLA because where else can you get tasered in the fucking library by a rentacop and you take it? if that shit had gone down at UCSB there would be a bloody if not dead rentacop next to the keg on the 8th floor stacks.

so it was pretty funny to hear the kids chant Dethklok after the very first song by Trail of Dead.

and you know youve brought the wrong chick when instead of laughing at the hilarity shes adjusting her hot topic plastic skirt.

however its hard to hate on a girl who made up her face to look like a zombie, poured fake blood in her hair and ironed on white letters on her black way tshirt to spell out Explode Me

which raymi if you do go to the show when it travels to TO i recommend you do

likewise i also suggest that you brush up on your Guitar Hero III because they are the cosponsors of the tour and they have a little pre show competition where the winner gets a free game.

was it fun? yes. am i too old for this shit? Nevah!

now go forth and die.

every now and then im gonna talk about laist cuz its rare that you can write about your job and not have your boss get all freaked out, which is one of the benefits about having a job where youre blogging and your bosses are bloggers. great ones even.

the last week we were projected to barely hit a million, but anything can happen over a week and one day something can happen and noone comes to your party, so you are constantly trying to tweak things and add things and do things that will be of interest.

last night i went to sleep and all we had to do was get our average and we would hit our goal, but because it was halloween i had no idea if less people would be online today or more or the same so i sent emails to other websites with posts on laist that they might like and nobody liked anything. i was dying.

every hour i did little calculations and all day nothing was happening, which is so scary because to get a million you go pretty much zero days where nothing happens. every day something happens which is why you’re getting so many hits.

even though at 4pm it looked like we would just barely go over, i couldnt go out, i couldnt leave, i couldnt stop trying to add things to maybe get noticed on google news, maybe get linked by some message board, anything. i just needed one link i felt and it would be fine.

and then at 9pm i remembered drunken stepfather sometimes would link to us so i emailed him and twenty minutes later he put his links up for the night and bam there the link was to us and a nice steady stream came over and at 11:05pm on the last day of the month we went over.

it was such a relief, such a joy, such a happy happy moment like i havent had in a while – not since last month at the end of the month 🙂

i felt like a jockey heading down the home stretch just constantly whipping the horse fearing the finish line but it never seems to come and then when its about to happen the horse gets one tiny second wind

tonight im thinking about seeing this

photo of har mar superstar by kid paparazzi

that even Johnny Rotten noticed

which is about 4x as much
as the most popular LA Times blog – it looks like we are gonna hit it, thanks to my mighty staff

above, a photo taken by matt good in the middle of his show at massey hall
below, some of the posts i wrote in october 2007

Ron Paul gets on Leno so News Service tries to poo-poo it
And on the 4th Day Bush Flies to Southern California, Hugs White People, Leaves After 4 Hours
Why You Shouldn’t Buy Your Custom Cake at Wal*Mart
LA Times digs up the 7 Signs that Dumbledore Is Gay
Matt Drudge Seems to Enjoy our Fires
Irvine Company, Paciolan, Makes a (bad) Name for Itself
Will Rocket Be The Next Great American Band?
Best Band in Rock Comes to LA for Three Nights
Seinfeld Sez Scientology Helped Him Control Audiences
Comcast Hates The Bible & Filesharing & They Lie?
Cops Get Off for Hanging Quadriplegic Man, City Pays
No Minorities at the New Fox Hills Mall of the Future
Dear LAist, Where Can I Get a Ms. Pac Boob Outfit?
Steve-O Gets PETA OK to get naked despite “Wildboyz”
LA, You’ve Won Over Another One
David Gonzales Explains the Problem with Mini Pigs
Here’s Johnny: The Best of the Johnny Cash TV Show
Did J.K. Rowling Try To Show Her Hogwarts to Kids Yesterday at the Kodak Theatre?
The Most Dangerous Position in Football Remains To Be The Box Cover of the Madden Game
Why There’s Rarely Any Good Shows on the Westside
The White Stripes Go Lomo
LAist Interview: Morgan J. Freeman
The Kids Aren’t All Right
Sorry Craigslisters “Who Don’t Belong in Orange County”, Yr Irvine Brothel Got Busted
Interview with Molly Prather: THAT Girl
Ron Paul Wins Michigan Debate
Fred Thompson Gets His Close-Up
Late Night Eats: El Gran Burrito aka Midnight Tacos
Writers Strike Could Kill The Bionic Woman
Trent Reznor Says Goodbye to Record Labels, Record Labels Say Terance Trent Who?
iVenice
The Real Problem With The Detour Festival
Just Cancer
Van Halen Should Have Nerf Herder Open For Them
CD Review: Kurt Cobain About a Son
Ficus? Ficyou! Emergency Meeting to Save Doomed Santa Monica Trees
Sherrifs Department May Have Arrested You or Towed Your Car Because They Were Playing A Game
The DWP is Daring You to Stop It
50 Foot Sinkhole in La Jolla Swallows One Home
What Have They Done to the Larchmont Lizard?
No Love For The Rice Bowl
But He Was Out – Why Baseball Needs Replay
Dave Navarro Interviews Kids Buying Halo 3
Pajamas Media Hates Free Elections
Guy Hiking with a Guy with a Sword ends up in Hospital

i was in ohare airport for a layover and this guy was totally looking at his credit card as he typed the numbers into the internet station there for losers without laptops and it was taking forever cuz it was dial up and i was all 5412 4532 i can totally memorize this.

then i was in the LAX baggage claim and i passed two turnsyles that had a few bags spinning around and i was all, i totally know someone with a pick up truck that lives nearby we could totally roll out with 7-8 bags of luggage and who would be the wiser?

canada reminded me how evil i am.

i had no american dollars on me obvs as i got picked up at the airport by the parking lot dude so i couldnt tip him a dollar for bringing my bag down for me. i had a canadian fiver and i certainly wasnt gonna give that to him seeing as in a week that things gonna be worth ten bucks american.

i like that canadians have a one dollar coin that they use alot and a two dollar coin that they use a lot, but you sorta feel like a cheapskate when you hand a dude a little bronze coin that he has to pinch to recieve.

which is probably why they flipped the bellman his tip in the old days.

still, how much should you tip a dude who tries to pretend like he did you a favor by arranging for a $50 town car to the airport?

i asked the driver if he minded if i ate my hotdog as we drove and he said, not as long as you are careful.

wrong answer.

and suddenly i remembered that i forgot to give chickie the rest of my weed so there i was in town car, taking last minute pictures without even rolling down the window cuz i didnt wanna disturb my dear old driver and i dug through my pockets and felt the lil baggie which contained the bud that had done me right, thank you dan, and i looked around in the inside of this brand new sedan and saw a little tiny seam in the carpet and i pulled it up and tucked the bud in there

but then i thought, what happens if he parks his car next to a pot sniffing cop dog, clearly the american wearing the amsterdam soccer jacket is gonna be the suspect, so when we got to the airport i saw that there was a payphone on a pole

and i slid it in the coin return while pretending to make a call.