for the things that arent true on here than the things that are.
even though this blog has clearly stated that this is a beautiful work of fiction.
“but you know tony that a lot on the busblog is true”, they say.
as if they KNOW.
later this month im going to see Tony Clifton, a character made famous by mr andy kaufman before he “died”.
one of the exciting things about the show is theres only going to be 4 performances and one of them, at least one im being told, is going to be done by mr Jim Carey, who you might remember played kaufman in the film Man on the Moon.
Clifton, many believe, was often played by kaufman’s longtime manager.
but what if andy never died and this is his way to dress up in costume and heavy makeup and perform to a crowd who hopes that its him but would never really truly think that is him? it would be wonderful.
dont people want to believe that theres a beauty in the hazy fuzz between truth and fiction?
no.
they want to believe that things are either true or false.
they hate that inbetween.
me, i love it. which is why im glad our president doesnt bust out his long form birth certificate. its why im glad our last president hid all of his old national guard documents.
and why im glad Jesus doesnt come down here and say wassup yo.
do we really want a Day of I Like You where anyone who’s ever had a crush on someone says so via email?
do we really want a Night of Lets Do It where everyone whos ever wanted to… does?
no. id argue that mystery is the magical goo that keeps all of this interesting.
which is why i’ll never give you a ride on chopper one.
and why in real life i let so few people visit my many mansions.
I also had my edd hearing in appealing unemployment
that I am gonna lose for sure.
its the man against one lowly little girl.
So that is basically the crap I have been dealing with…
but at least they all have outcomes and I can deal
and then close the chapter.
I am so not going to complain right now.
I am going to say Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas
out there. Wish I was one. Maybe some day.
she figured out how to raise two kids pretty much on her own as a single black woman in the predominately white suburbs
and she had to deal with two incredibly insane children.
neither of which has mellowed.
her bosses werent always ideal. the situations were not always perfect.
and not only did she get through it, but she did so in class, style,
and with what some would describe an angelic demeanor.
the other day i was sharing the fact that after making it through the squealing stages of the alto saxaphone and into actual music, i chose to switch over to drums.
what person allows their completely hyperactive and bizarre son to bring a drumset into the basement of their townhouse?
a great mom.
the best mom.
now she has an iphone so she sends me pictures of my neice and nephew. and because she loves to play wii with them, i sent her her own wii so she can do yoga and get good at mario kart.
my mom taught me so much but still, strangely, im the opposite of her. shes private and classy and her first instinct is to be sweet. im public and brutal and my first instinct is to talk about yr momma.
not at all the way i was raised. should not be a reflection on her.
– say what you want about terry richardson, but he hangs out with some weird and wonderful young directors
– want passwords for the Roger Waters The Wall Tour? fine. but tickets are $250 each. EACH!
– dodger stadium took a baseball bat away from a 75 year old woman who used it to help her climb the stairs
– here i thought i knew everything about McDonalds. but jessica teaches us the extra value of the newly created McGangbang that has all the kids in a frenzy. i’m lovin it.
– that hockey mom you love to hate sure got hated on this week and called a traitor. for what ever reason why? ask our pals at Wonkette: “Useless snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin stepped in it yesterday, did she ever. She had the gall to endorse crazy failed CEO Carly Fiorina in the California Senate race, on her Facebook page.”
– are you watching the two young ladies in Chile who blog and tell us everything about it? this week we learned about how Chile parties when the attendees are over 40, and we also learn how men are far more chivalrous in chile
– and finally, ever worry about getting married because what happens if you get divorced and hafta pay alimony and what not? imagine youre the owner of the (currently) last-place dodgers. and imagine your wife wants to divorce you for signing manny ramirez. then imagine you actually end up divorcing her and the judge figures out how much money you make and figures out how much to give your wife. then imagine that total is the equivalent of a pretty nice sized house Every Month.
actually i think toyota has a nearly impossible job right now and they can either fish or cut bait and i take my hat off to them for sticking to the program.
i think these are funny ads speaking to families interested in mini vans
however wihtout addressing the elephant in the room (safety) which has got to be one of the top three objections theyve got to overcome, theyve failed.
all these commercials do is tell me that toyota has a sense of humor
but does that mean there will be a clown in the courtroom when they have to face the impending class action lawsuits?
what families probably want to hear right now in commercials about mini vans is that these heavy vehicles filled with the most precious cargo will behave as vehicles should: they will move when we hit the gas and stop when we hit the brakes.
as hilar as these spots are, they dont even come close to convincing us of that, which means they wont help sales. sorry.
but i am so relieved that the actress mom can make cupcakes that look like pigs.
now that i think of it, maybe toyota should just cut bait for a while.
but the truth of the matter is often i am finding myself late for work so i hop in the car and speed down sunset to downtown and park my ride in the garage.
over the years i have reported on many an abandoned car (usually sports cars) that sit and collect dust and dirt and get written on.
now i dont mind if you park your car in our garage and fuggetaboutit, or use our garage as a storage facility for your rolling property that you dont want your wife to know about
but if youre just gonna use the garage as a storage place, must you park it right next to the elevators? thats some prime real estate for those of us who use the garage daily.
i think its rude to use such a great spot so we can all walk past your dirty little car.
which makes me happy when people do things like this to the cars.
i do love my coworkers.
oh so much.
and im glad that they have a nice sunny day today in which to wield some more mischief.
some people have asked, how come theres no Ask Tony every Friday the way their used to be.
and i say, yo buddy, wasnt it you who suggested that i do the Ask Me Anything link on the left hand side of this blog? it allows you to pick my brain any day of the week, not just fridays.
use it, or lose it, which i know is something that she said, but it might be appropos because that link is sure looking like that car above.
the party pooper clock always comes around when its least invited.
anyways drove out to the wessside. not sure why i was doing it. maybe cuz they said please.
not sure what i was in store for.
but it was in a good hotel. one i saw renovated from the outside and always wanted to see from the innards.
and man they did a great job.
suddenly i realized i was at something that had all the markings of a schmoozefest.
if theres one thing people dont believe when i tell, is im black. but i have proof about that one.
the other thing they dont believe is im painfully shy. problem with that one is i fake at not being shy sooooo well.
so here i was at this mixer, meet n greet, whatever it is, im gonna have to look back at the invite cuz man did they sucker me into this thing that no way would i have gone to if i had known what it was gonna be.
it was a very nice room, a patio, a bartender, and a sneaky missing bush that led to the pool and cabana in the back.
and all the people inside were founders of companies youve heard of, or presidents, or total babes, or vice presidents.
zero riff raff.
we have an old joke at the xbi. look to the left, look to the right, if you dont see any riff raff youre it.
since most of us didnt know each other, and since almost everyone wanted to meet new people, everyone wore name tags (provided) where you had to write your name and your company. weird thing about my company is it instantly makes me not look like im riff raff.
so there was super shy riff raff being involved in some extremely interesting conversations and instead of me getting all nervous inside, everyone else was stuttering and messing up because for some reason they thought i was gonna write down their sweet secrets and tell the world. i wanted to say something like “im drinking. either i drink or i work but i dont do both, relax.” but why say something stupid like that?
everyone seemed to know a lot about my company, and weirdly i knew a lot about theirs, even the little ones.
really hard to rank which person i met who was the most interesting, but one lady i met, and this is why its insane to judge books by their covers, appeared to be at least 20 years older than the rest of the crowd. she wore a tshirt from a company she doesnt even work for. and explained she liked that it matched her pants.
after a minute it was revealed that she has homes around the world and got one in a tropical isle because it was in between one town half way across the world and LA. we talked about sushi and i asked her favorite in LA and she told me about one that she says is cheap. i tolder i was new to eating sushi, but it appeared to me that in LA you have to pay a lot to get good fish and she said
you can always find a great deal
on anything.
you just have to look around.
a little while later these two dudes recognized each other and one guy yelled out really loudly and i winced because it was probably the lamest greeting ive ever heard. so bad my brain cannot even recall it right now because it protects me from such things.
before i left i said so long to the host who asked me if i enjoyed meeting anyone. i told him yes. he asked who. i went down a little short list and he said, have you met this beautiful woman behind you?
and america i swear i said, dude i have a long drive home. i cant meet one more person.
but he insisted, and i met this 24 year old singer songwriter who won a contest where the prize was she got to sing during a super bowl commercial and she was given a record deal.
after looking over the deal with this major label, she passed, and gets millions of views on her youtube vids.
this video, for example has gotten 1.6 million views in less than 3 months.
i was all, oh so do you play shows at places like the Hotel Cafe. and she was all omg im playing there in a few weeks!
she handed me her cd which she put out independently and btw gorgeous and i looked at the back of it and didnt notice any songs and i said, cuz im a bozo and should just stay at home 24/7, i dont see any covers do you ever do any covers?
and she said not on this cd, thats all originals, but on youtube i have about 40 or so videos that are just cover songs.
drove home down the 10 listening to howard stern interview willie nelson
so content i hadnt realized i didnt eat dinner, just dry cheerios and now its past bedtime.
we have an old joke at the xbi. look to the left, look to the right, if you dont see any riff raff youre it.