ten steps to please lindsay of wisconsin

from the blogger’s mouth

(1) Do not tell me what to do, ever, in regards to anything.

(2) Do not be too nice, for example, do not sneakily commandeer my car while I am vacationing and have it detailed. While the gesture is nice, the methodology is creepy.

(3) Do not demand more of my time than I have already allotted you. I have a very specific rule in regards to dating, especially in its early stages, which requires that I spend no more than three nights, preferably not consecutive, per week with you.

(4) I repeat, do not remark how tall I am every time you see me. I might develop a complex.

(5) You may not ever comment on my love handles nor tell me that my boobs could be bigger. I might hit you.

read the rest of her list of demands here. and take note because something tells me shes not alone on the blogosphere.

im sick. i blame canada

it was probably the sniffling dude next to me in the middle seat of the plane

or all the sniffling and hacking people in the packed plane

or the below zero temps in TO and then the above 70 temps in LA

im a sensitive poet. my body freaks out at the lamest things.

but strangely, on new years eve, when this picture was taken, i slept perfectly fine.

how is any of this possible?

they still pat down babies, dont they?

thanks to the (failed) Testicle Bomber the “enhanced security” at Toronto’s airport included a full blown pat down and intense search through all carry ons including babies.

my guy got closer to me than ive even been to myself, pulling up my underwear and even investigating the bottom of my Pumas.

good thing i didnt go commando like young Duane.

i dont mind the extra procedures, or even having to arrive at YYZ three-hours before takeoff. but what really had me scratching my head was why they allowed a lady on the plane who had been discovered to be traveling with a purple disposable lighter.

why if youre all in my business trying to detect exotic and unusual flamatory substances are you not detaining common devices? couldnt a few airplane bottles of booze and a lighter do damage? am i the crazy one?

fine, im the crazy one.

as a connoisseur of municipal trash cans

i gotta give it up to toronto

they have a difficult problem in this city because of the extreme weather,

they also want to be green.

however with an open lid, not only can wind blow the trash out of the can, but snow can fill it up.

with this ingenious design you open the lid by stepping on the lever with your foot (which is also far more sanitary than most other trash bins), and if you have recycleables you slide them into the slot.

not only does the city achieve their goal (clean city streets) but the citizens dont foul their hands in the process. bravo, TO!

ten things i wanna do in 2010

(but probably wont cuz im a zombie dbag)

10. hang out with Danielle more than 2x a year. she lives in san diego, not san paolo. same goes for the rest of my friends. im a pretty horrible friend. theres nothing cute about that.

9. join a gym and actually use it. for some reason in 2009 i started running. i typically haul ass through hollywood around midnight and do a 10k. im incredibly lucky that i look about 90 years younger than my actual age despite eating mcdonalds as much as i do – clearly this luck will run out soon. so the plan is run the mile and a half to the gym, work out like The Situation, then run home.

8. get a washer/dryer for the crib, or move to a new pad that has one (and a hot tub). when i moved in to my bachelor pad i had no money, no credit, a horrible job, and no car. most of that has changed. i can now afford a washer dryer. im an adult. i shouldnt be cleaning my drawers at Lucy’s at 2am with crackheads and hookers REGARDLESS of how endlessly entertaining it is. not everything in life is blog fodder [ed note: nothing in here is true]

7. at least an hour reading the bible every sunday. a while back i made a new years resolution to read at least one chapter of the bible every sunday. i think it was the only resolution that actually turned into a long-term habit. it might also be the secret of any success i may have had over the years. only problem is, more sundays than i’d like to remember i look at the clock and its 11:15pm. i read the chapter in no time and go back to whatever nonsense i was doing. the purpose of the original resolution was to keep the sabbath holy. 15 minutes of last minute reading doesnt really accomplish that goal. not saying an hour will do the trick, but it’s a step in the right direction.

6. work harder and longer hours at the Times. truth of the matter is, i have no wife, kids, girlfriend, incredible hobbies. i am ridiculously lucky to be where i am in the dream job of my life. there are no guarantees that it will always be like this, so i should do as much as i can while im here, especially when theres always more to be done.

5. sock away at least 10% of my salary. i did pretty good saving in 2008, but a terrible job of doing it in 2009. i eat out way too much. i need to make lunch more and bring it into work instead of paying $8 for a five dolla foot long and an apple juice. that should help the savings right there.

4. read a book a month. this was on last years list and yet i only read three books in 2009 (Push, Paul Schaeffers book & Dave Navarros book). for a Lit major thats pretty pathetic. especially considering the fact that i read dozens of books each quarter in college While drinking While working for the school paper While working three jobs.

3. remember and embody the unpublished words of Bryn Speed. when i was in high school i created this character BS. in this unfinished story he tells this asswipe bf of this girl he likes that theres really only three things that men need to do in life: make love legendarily, provide handsomely for his loved ones, and make unforgettable art. Bryn said it in more frank terms, but those were different days.

2. see a film or a concert once a week. i live in hollywood. other than porn, movies and rock are our greatest exports. it shouldnt be that hard to enjoy the riches our little burb produces.

1. create magic once a month. and not just in canada.

omg new years eve


the northern illinois marching band played in the lobby


we went to a house party in a town called Barrie. Barrie has lots of snow


the house had all kinds of people, many dogs, a cat, and lots of fish


missc, paulie, and i dressed up as clockwork orange. we all played air hockey.
g-d do people in canada love hockey!


so yeah, we dressed up like clockwork orange. then the pirate eye patches came out.
the only thing missing were the pimp canes and fake mustaches.


carrie made paulie a 2 girls 1 cup cake. not one picture was sfw, except this one of Giuseppina taking a pic of the barbies


she also made cookies. which were sfw. the name, rapey eye cookies, however, were not sfw


after the ball dropped we hopped in the hot tub in the snow. as it snowed.
mighty amazing, and in the morn we had eggs, toast, and Chocolate Milk!!!!

Happy New YEAR!

remembering the decade that was

scoring the dream job of dream jobs – 11/7/07

here it is new years eve and sadly i havent been able to look back at this wild and full decade in as much depth as i would have liked to, but maybe thats good for when you have time to look back that means you’re not enjoying the present.

best present i ever had was starting this blog and sticking with it. i started it because i was bored at work, didnt really like my job, didnt feel supported by my bosses, and needed an outlet during my 2 government mandated 15 minute breaks at work and my 30 minute lunch.

i felt like a loser, an outcast, and a failure. so i wrote “nothing in here is true” and began writing about being an undercover superhero who flew around hollywood in an invisible helicopter fighting crime and scoring chicks.

strangely life started to imitate blog and i got girls – because of this freaking thing. then i got money, then i got gifts, then i got trips, then i got jobs. its weird and unbelievable even writing it down today. but here i am in Canada writing this, a country whose people i only know because of blogging. whose people i party with solely from relationships established through this http.

the blogging led to a job at Buzznet where i launched a few blogs, drew millions of pageviews of traffic, and eventually got fired because i was constantly telling the decision maker that he was an idiot. sometimes thats not a good idea. so in this blog i wrote down all the things that i had accomplished there and linked to them all (for proof) and within days i got an offer to be the editor of LAist, an excellent group blog.

yes they would pay me to stay in my apartment in my pajamas and blog. the date was 6/6/06. in many ways that was the best date of the last decade. LAist was getting around 150k pageviews a month, it was getting beat by the likes of blogging.la and laobserved, but the owners of the blog ran Gothamist so they had been to the mountaintop so they knew what would work. one thing they tried differently with me than with the previous editors was pay a full time wage. so there was a lot of pressure on me to do well so i wouldnt f it up for the next guy.

fortunately i adore pressure and try to french kiss it whenever possible. i wrote 6-8 times a day and thanks to my bosses i was able to experiment in weird and wild ways, both in the posts, in the photos, in the videos, and even in the comments. LAist became wildly successful and within a year we had grown by almost 10 times. we had clearly become the local blog of choice of LA. in november of ’07 we had around 1.5 million pageviews – far more than those who once beat us. we had great writers, great photographers, and enough traffic that when i sent an email to the LA Times, my dream job, they had to give me an interview.

three weeks after that interview i was the blog editor of the Times.

all of it had to be a bizarre and complicated dream.

at the time the Times’ best blog was being quadrupled by LAist. all of their blogs combined only did 3 million clicks a month. in my opinion it was due to many factors, the biggest being they were not using their best asset: their staff. instead they were using freelancers to write their blogs. fine writers no doubt, but not the heart and soul of the LA Times.

for some strange reason the Times allowed me to air my opinions in meetings, and every now and then theyd actually take my advice. if it wasnt for the support of lots of people, including my boss Meredith Artley, none of todays success would have happened. But i got that support and buy-in and today, almost exactly two years later, the Times best blog triples LAist and our blogs as a whole consistently get over 20 million clicks a month. mostly because the staff has bought in and are blogging as a group. a powerful, brilliant, experienced, wonderful group. we still have some specialized kickass freelancers on the blogs, but they are the exceptions, not the rule. and the most exciting thing: we have only begun to rock.

when i started at the times i gave a few interviews to blogs. in them i stated that the Times didnt have any blogs in the Technorati Top 100. infact they didnt have any in the Top 2000. indeed there were zero newspaper blogs two years ago in the Top 100. i predicted that that anomaly would disappear in no time, and indeed this year the LA Times had not one, not two, but three blogs in the Top 100, and last month we had two in the Top 20 – a feat that not even that paper in new york city could boast.

i feel like a kid who was very happy riding a Big Wheel who was given a Corvette. and then allowed to pilot the Space Shuttle. i would have been just as happy to tour the facilities.

there are many lessons that i learned this decade from blogging. the first is to identify your dreams and go for them. the second is you cannot get anywhere by yourself – life is a team effort. and the third is there is no limit to where success can end as long as your heart is truly in it and youre doing it for the right reasons.

it all started here and i will never forget that. and i thank all of you for all the encouragement that you’ve doled out to me here so generously since 2001. this is the most special place in the world to me, even better than isla vista, wrigley field, or the playboy mansion. all because of you.