born Monday, December 29th at 3:01pm
6 lbs 14 ounces
thats a keeper!
congratulations jeff and erin!
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last year i made several new years resolutions
and i succeeded on about 25% of them. so that means that this year i should make a lot more.
2004 new years resolutions
1. i will write 4 times a day
2. i will only drink water while at work
3. i will cook dinner for myself at least twice a week
4. i will run around my property for at least 20 minutes a day, once a week
5. i will download at least one cd a week and review it for you
6. i will watch at least one movie a week and review it for you
7. i will write one post within 90 minutes of coming home from work
8. i will do at least 100 curls a week
9. i will read at least 2 pages from the bible each sunday
10. i will write a dirty novel
11. i will get a new job
12. i will make mix cds at least once a week for my true love
13. on the weekends i will go through my archives and update the photos, at least one week a week
14. each month i will learn one new thing in photo shop
15. each month i will learn one new html trick
16. i wont make out with any more teenagers from the internet
17. i will cut down on my magazine subscriptions from 30 to 15…. somehow.
18. i will go to the beach more often
19. i will get my bike fixed and ride around hollywood at least once a week
20. i wont give up on Lick no matter how hard it is to do
21. Blook II will come out, for your ass.
22. i will refer to this list once a week so as to keep up to my goals
raymi wrote me an email today.
you know how nice that is?
and not once did she mention that shes auctioning off some of her art on ebay.
i love raymi.
she told me her real name but i just say raym…
and then she cuts *me* off
which i never allow, usually
but thank Jesus for the exceptions.
im watching paris hilton on the simple life mini marathon.
this is about the third time ive seen these episodes. i dont know what im trying to discover.
maybe im trying to find a flaw in paris hilton on any level. my girl can wear heels anywhere. thats pretty cool.
she looks good in bad clothes. thats hard to do.
one of my new years resolutions will be to write every night right after work.
it only took me two hours to write this.
and that is why i have this resolution.
i hope raymi makes a fortune on her art.
some guy just wrote me and told me that hed pay me five bucks if i told him to fuck himself.
i also got an email from amy from jaylex. that was pretty amazing.
never really realized what a good day today was.
on the subway home, waiting for the subway actually, a woman just started talking. telling people things in a little louder than necessary volume.
i never knew you could have a baby at thirteen.
its bad enough i dont have any teeth, but now im a thirty nine year old granny.
i know these two sentences because she said them over and over.
he called me up and said mom, i just had a baby.
i mean i never knew that you could have a baby at thirteen
it was straight out of slacker
she walked the entire length of the platform and came pretty close to trying to look every one of the fourty or so of us in the eye and tell us that she had no teeth that she was thirty nine that her son was thirteen and now she was a granny.
and that she didnt know that you could have a baby at thirteen.
i wonder if the guy who wants me to tell him to fuck off knows that my rate for that little service is twenty five, thank you.
video of the year + via makeoutcity
i like it when people are obsessed with me.
i like it when people talk about me on their blog and other peoples blogs, and in my comments.
i like it when they become cocky and then eventually frustrated and pissed off when i wont address their silly requests.
talk about me all you want, blogosphere, it only adds to the hype.
anna kournikova taught me three things:
you will never be as bad as people try to make you out as being
you will never be as cool as people swear that you are
the worst thing that people can do is ignore you.
there are far more ghost blogs than kickass blogs and the ghost blogs are written by people who couldnt figure out how to get people to come to their url or get people worked up about their good name.
some fall for the fakeouts, some take the bait. dont take bait. especially when the bait is nothing more than fat dirty nightcrawlers sold for pennies by children.
if people talk shit about you and theyre way off base, just take their little spitballs and keep on keeping on.
when they try so hard to convince you that youre boring, theyre lying.
ignore the liars.
liars will take you places you dont wanna go.
heres where you wanna go
you wanna drive the lane
go for the hole
keep your bald head down charles barkley and go for the hole
dont listen to the male cheerleaders
keep your elbow out
fake right go left
switch hands
get scratched
dunk.
completely unrelated, a funny thing happened last night. our girl brand trueboy who recently outted herself as hosting a blog that didnt have three writers, but only had one, her, pretending to be three people – ended her whatever-it-was against me.
i give her major props for ending the feud, and i will either take a picture of my nuts like she requested or i will have a civilized aol chat with her which you will see in the first issue of Lick sometime next month.
rock on, trueboy. happy holidays.
picked up my true love at the airport last night.
i dont recommend anyone going to LAX to pick up anyone unless youre xbi, and even then its hairy.
i know i exaggerate a lot on here and i say things about her being my truest, but when i saw her yesterday there definitely was something special there.
it’s freaky.
if i ever do get married i want that feeling from my bride. its a calming effect. its a submissive thing. its a whatever-you-want-is-coolio vibe.
she said pick me up at ten pm i said anywhere. she said LAX i said no one is allowed in. she said you can do it. save me. i saved her. she said take me to taco bell. i said baby i already have your seven layer burrito in the back seat. she said i love you. i said i love you too babydoll.
i told her she looked good. she said have you been drinking i said doesnt matter, i know a hot girl when i see one.
she said, stop that, ive been travelling for 8 hours.
i said lil tone hasnt been drinkin and lil tone approves.
i watched her eyes move down to where lil tone was saying hi and she smiled.
blue eyes matching her nicely filled out blue sweater.
stars sparkling in the crisp la winter night.
angels pulling back a little of the sky so they could peek.
i kissed her cheek
i kept my face against hers.
i moved my hands slowly down the small of her back to her jlo.
she complained that her place was messy and boring and smelly and i said baby your place is perfect. she said i cant believe you took karisa here. i said she loved it. we loved it. i said i told karisa that this is where my truest lives, isnt it great and karisa said i never knew it was so big and bright and sunny.
my true love said yes it is sunny.
we drove back to my place holding hands, talking nonstop, catching up.
her wesssside businesswoman cold-as-ice seriousness slowly melting as we drove east down the ten and went north on the 110 past staples.
i might find a better person for me one day.
maybe it’ll be before the next snowfall in vegas.
cpt scurvy + mad mathias + welch’s resolutions
my problem is, i like smart people.
not sucker mcs. not people who dare me. ooooo a dare. what is this, fifth grade. and anyway, i make the fucking dares around here.
they come to me saying theyve never read my shit but i suck. they say who’s tony pierce like they dont know. they know. my hairs soft and its coming back so call it a comeback. my problem is that i get distracted easilly. especially by nothingness.
theres a new radio station in town. independent one they say even though my bro on franklin avenue says its clearchannel owned. all i know is theyve played the clash and bob marley and even though this is their only hit, theyre playing social d and kroq hasnt played them in a while so fuck kroq, they never loved tsar enough anyway.
my problem is i like super smart people. id work at jpl if they wanted me to. id sharpen the pencils or clean the blackboards if thats all i could do there. a thinktank. a brainbank. anywhere other than the xbi which used to be what im lookin for but things change right before your eyes and suddenly the only thing the same is you and the address. my problem is im a dumbass.
my problem is i attract people who think they know what punk rock is.
punk rock.
yoko was punk rock.
michael jackson last night on 60 minutes was punk rock.
dressed and sounding like my grandma admitting to sleeping with kids as if of course its cool
of course
courtney was punk but now shes a rock star and its boring sidney. not that there are very many rock stars either but youve been to the mountaintop lady.
represent.
my problem is im riddled with idealism. my problem is i keep thinking that i will always be understood precisely every single time the first time. my problem is i forget that some pretend like they dont understand, when indeed they understand perfectly.
i forget that others want to be creeps.
i forget that sometimes a few arent creeps, they just say or do fucked up things without realizing and they dont expect a nuclear bomb exploding after they touch the timebandits toaster which is clearly marked dont touch.
clearly.
shes crafty is on now.
my problem is sometimes i forget that some people dont ever get what i get. ever. and i tell em that i know i dont understand it but they swear they dont read this shit anyway even though they do but maybe they really did miss that day.
its okay.
my problem is i listen to the static in the signal to noise. my problem is i get lost in the silences. my problem is i keep following the failed practices traditional widgetpushing which is hype, build awareness, hype, deliver. when everyone knows you should just clear your throat and reveal curtain number lick, say ta-da, and put your hands on your hips.
dare you to the the truth the whole truth and nothing
but my biggest problem is that time owns me
im its bitch.
and like a bitch, watch me stop what im doing and go off and do nothing so i can wake up n take a bus to an office
in the cold morning
beside the white
chickens
franklin avenue + hobo chic + viriginia
poor josh.
all he wanted was someone to love.
a cute little blonde girl maybe who would chat with him on the innernet and tell him nice little stories about her life and make him feel like a million bucks.
well josh got lucky, not only did he find this girl but she was super cute.
she sorta looked like madpony lauren, except her names Chelsey.
everything a guy could want.
she had a horse, hot girlfriends, a selfdeprecating sense of humor.
and mad web design skillz.
craziest thing though, not only does Chelsey have a horse, but her horse is named Bugsy just like Laurens!
what are the odds!
looks like lauren and has a horse named the same as laurens!
as ashley would say “twinsies!”
oh, josh, you lucky lucky dirty dog.
sheeeet.
then on top of it his girl Chelsey has a friend who looks just like lauren’s sister Kristin pony, ‘cept she spells it Kristen.
and whats super dooper crazy is Chelsey has a different friend who looks like Kristin, except her name is Tiffany.
and if that wasnt enough, she even has a friend who looks like Kristin whose name is Melanie.
God i love the innnernet.
first we were all lucky enough to get introduced to the madpony girls, and now, lo and behold, out here in california theres a girl who looks just like Lauren and has three friends who all look like Kristin!
i showed my friends Chelsey’s hometown-aol webpage and they all said it was fake
i was all, fake?
they said yeah dude, look at that picture that she says was taken at Payless.
i said, yeah…?
they said Payless doesnt have no fuckin pajamas in it!
i was crushed.
they i was crushed about what josh would think!
so i went back to her webpage and found her aol screenname and i decided id get down to the bottom of it.
me: i have a quick question for you
Piink Lava: i dont want to talk to u i dont know u
one thing ive learned in the xbi, when trying to convince people to do things with you, begin by agreeing with them
me: i dont know you either
Piink Lava: ok then wut do u want???
me: does Josh know that you’re not the girl in the pics?
Piink Lava: sorry but i am the girl i the pics i have sign pics and baby pics to prove now leave me alone
Piink Lava signed off at 9:42:27 PM.
so there you have it.
proof!
there is not only another lauren, but shes younger, lives in cali, and has three hot friends who look like kristin.
and one of her pictures is nearly exactly like the madpony christmas card that they sent out to 100+ people this year.
i heart this country.
update: within minutes Chelsey took down “her” page out of shame of being exposed on the busblog, here’s a cached version of the main page and photo page and heres “her” image directory… maybe the girls just look like our madpony friends
chelsey’s original page: piink lava + fakerz do this to nay all the time
if you want to know what traffic was like in LA
before the whiteman showed up, you just need to drive around on a day like today.
when everyone is away for the holidays.
when everyone has the week off.
except for the superheroes.
like you.
i dont usually drive to work but my true love loaned me her car while she vacations in snowy oregon with her lovely family. typically the commute would take about 35 minutes. today it took 12.
even people on their cell phones didnt really ruin the commute.
sometimes i wonder what these people are talking about.
what on earth is there to talk about at 7:50am? who are they talking to?
i remember when i got my first cell phone. i swore it would only be used in cases of emergency or to tell people when i was running late.
i remember when i was a virgin i swore that i would only have sex with girls who were my girlfriends.
i remember when i was 15 and i was thinking about getting my drivers license. i swore i would go to church every day if i had a car.
i suppose some goals are easier to stick to than others.
my goal to you, gentle reader, is to make this blog as good as i can make it in the upcoming year.
instead of writing three times a day i want to write four times a day.
i want to put more things on my main page, i want to put up more original pictures, have more interviews, have a page of little video clips i take, and run Lick the way i know it can be run.
this year was a tough one for me. i thought i had the dream job of my life, then poof it was gone. i thought the cubs were gonna go to the world series and then quicker than you can say bartman it was gone.
things with ashley took a terrible turn for the worse.
if it wasnt for tivo, rivers of rum, the dulcet tunes of rock group tsar, all of my wonderful friends, and the long line of adoring young women who are all too eager to please me, i would have been a complete wreck.
and you would have had a better blog to read.
i promise to give you even better quality next year.
i promise.
quantity and quality.
as pete rose once said, more than any showdog can jump over.
i hope you all stick with me and continue to remain loyal as things progress.
your positive thoughts mean everything to me.
may your commute to wherever youre going be smooth and worry-free.
Steph, Tell Me About Your Job
VBugn: my boss is crazy and there are crazy people running around
VBugn: they filmed a porn there one day
VBugn: and a rap video another day
VBugn: last night there were two fights
VBugn: and two different girls running around in see through shirts with no bras on
VBugn: and one night we got raided for underage drinking and all the bartenders got arrested for serving to minors, but I wasn’t a bartender yet
me: are you a bartender now?
VBugn: yeah
VBugn: cause the girls who got arrested didn’t want to work there anymore
me: why would two girls wear see through shirts and no bras?
VBugn: I don’t know they just were
VBugn: and they didn’t know eachother, it just happened that way
me: i hear miami can be quite nudey
VBugn: yeah there is a lot of it
me: do guys get nude too?
VBugn: South Beach is a topless beach, and there is an all nude beach a few miles up
VBugn: but as for walking down the street, I haven’t seen any naked boys, just girls
me: you said in your 100 Things that you were in a porn
me: was it the one you just wrote about?
VBugn: yeah I was an extra
me: were you naked?
VBugn: no i was bartending
VBugn: and trying to hide my face
me: are underage drinkers good tippers?
VBugn: no
VBugn: but we don’t cater to the classiest crowd, so there aren’t a lot of good tippers
me: how long have you been bartending there?
VBugn: just since October
me: how often do you get hit on a night?
VBugn: asked for my number? About 10
VBugn: Told I am beautiful? Maybe 50
VBugn: It gets worse as the night goes on
VBugn: and I have learned that I can’t tell anyone that I have aboyfriend, cause then they stop giving me their money
me: you have a boyfriend?
me: interview over!
me: if you didnt have a live-in boyfriend, how many of those 10 guys a night would you give your number out to?
VBugn: Ohh none, cause one time I did give out my phone number, and I dont remember to who, but I am still getting harassing phone calls every weekend
VBugn: “Hey baby I want to lick your muff” type phone calls
VBugn: So I learned my lesson there
VBugn: and I got propositioned for a threesome by one table in VIP when I was doing bottle service
me: niiiice
VBugn: “My girlfriend wants to take you home with us”
me: were they hot?
VBugn: the girl was, but the boy had some long hair mullet type thing going
me: rejected because of his mullet
VBugn: someone should let him know
me: i thought half of miami still had mullets
VBugn: I think they progressed out of the eighties a few years ago
me: what are your work hours?
VBugn: from 10PM till five or six AM
VBugn: but by the time I leave I am generally pretty buzzed and we go out after
me: where can you go at 6am?
VBugn: Downtown they have afterhours clubs that are open till 2PM
me: thats insane
VBugn: one has a really fun outside room where you can go out and the sun comes up and they are blaring techno and its great
VBugn: yeah, kinda crazy
VBugn: but fun
me: whats been the best night for you working, tip-wise?
VBugn: I made about $300
me: very nice!
me: whats been the worst?
VBugn: Oh when we first opened
VBugn: We would have some nights when three people walked in the front door
me: what is bottle service? hustling people to see if they want bottles of champagne?
VBugn: yeah or bottle of vodka or anything else
VBugn: a bottle of Absolut goes for $180 plus 20% tip
me: how many bottles will people buy in a night?
VBugn: Um, a bunch? My girl Elaina does the bottle service and on a good night she will leave with around $500 or $600
VBugn: And we have some guys come in, friends with the owners, and they love to give away $100 tips at a time
me: meet any famous people?
VBugn: not at work, unless you count some no name rappers whose names i can’t remember
VBugn: and the porn stars, of course
me: nice
VBugn: I almost forgot, people ask me for drugs all the time at work- “Hey, bartender, do you know where I could get some E?”
VBugn: and someone from work brought me and one other girl to a swingers club with some super rich guys cause they needed girls to be able to get in
me: wow!
VBugn: and we immediately left, but still, I accompanied my coworkers to a swingers club
me: were the people normal lookin?
VBugn: My coworker stayed
VBugn: very normal looking
VBugn: you had to be in a towel
VBugn: and there were just people fucking, and other people watching and there was porn playing
VBugn: it was surreal
VBugn: and I was WAY too sober
me: your coworker must be insane?
VBugn: completely
VBugn: and married
VBugn: but he lives in the club during the weekends
VBugn: doesn’t have a house in South Beach, just lives in an office with his brothers during the weekends
VBugn: four of them in one office
VBugn: I remembered all this stuff while I was at work tonight and thought “Oh I Have to remember to tell Tony”
me: what if you walked into that swingers club with a disease?
VBugn: I don’t know
VBugn: I honestly don’t know. I looked around and ran back out the front door.
me: if you just wanted to get naked and join in would anyone have stopped you?
VBugn: nope
me: then that place is dangerous
VBugn: I think so too
me: ok, i think this concludes Tell Me About Your Job
me: thank you for playing
me: was there anything youd like to add?
VBugn: thanks for asking
VBugn: before this i worked at TGI Fridays
VBugn: “Hi my name is Stephanie and I will be your server today”
me: i think i would be more likely to hit on you there than at a bar
VBugn: and I had someone thrown out for saying that he wanted to suck on my tittie milk
me: THAT WAS ME!
VBugn: yeah, you are normal
VBugn: Oh shit! SorryTOny.
VBugn: Why didn’t you say anything?
me: i thought youd forgotten
steph does southbeach + 3rd Leg + kool keith
me and clippergirl spent all night catching up.
its now 551am. im worn out. my cheeks are sore from smiling, and my head is sleepy from drinking.
we drank and we asked each other why drinking is accepted in proper society.
we drank and we agreed that a man or woman who can drink a lot is held in high regard. we toasted after reaching that agreement and dranks some more.
we told each other that if we kept drinking we would find each other more attractive than we knew the other was
and i thanked yahweh.
we wondered aloud why our hippie friends , in some circles would be looked down upon by their illegal intake of intoxicants, but then she reminded me that most of them could also drink, and we remembered why they were our friends.
as a graduate of uc isla vista im ashamed to admit that i dont think i drink enough.
ive lived in ken laynes former home for, what, three years now, and i havent had a keg in my front lawn even once.
i promised her that there would be a keg in my front lawn at least once in ’04.
i always forget how good people look and i always forget how much i like them. i like clipper girl because everything for her is about twiceasmuch. one kiss turns into two. one movie turns into a lets-slip-into-that-one. visiting one girlfriend of hers turns into visiting two superhot girlfriends of hers.
and having a body shot or two ends up having ten.
and beers.
and pizzas.
and an impromptu pie eating contest.
somehow it was discovered that i had two perfectly good apple pies in my kitchen.
she was all, wtf you doing with two apple pies in your kitchen?
i was all, nothin.
so she went, how old are these?
which unfortunately is a good question in my house.
i was all, new.
one pie was untouched, a gift from my maid who left it behind after she cleaned and scrubbed my home. on a papertowel she wrote, merry christmas tony, connie.
the other pie was three quarters of the christmas pie that karisa and i barely touched after we feasted on spiral ham at her place.
connie the maid left a traditional apple pie.
the karisa christmas pie was a dutch apple from the house of pies.
clippergirl clacked her high heels over to the fridge, pulled out a half gallon of whole milk and told me she loved me.
i told her id love her back if she’d grab that big ass baileys jug behind the cream cheese.
six nineteen i dont wanna go to sleep. i just want to ride this nice little good thing for just a little bit longer cuz if i go to sleep then i wake up and if i wake up i hafta do all these things
we drank and didnt feel so cold. its fourty eight degrees in southern california tonight which is fucked up let me tell you.
and even though it was cool that she split so i could write
its gonna be freezing in there alone.
at sixtwentyseven in the mornin
who won the pie eating contest?
some games, friends, have no losers.