but in some ways i do care what you’d think. and i am nervous that youd think im bragging, because it isnt that. half of my life my jaw is on the ground because i cannot believe what is happening to me, or what im seeing, and im wondering why it all takes place infront of my eyes, and not someone elses, and i scour the blogosphere to see if anyone else is seeing what im seeing and doing what im doing and i dont see it and i try to figure out why me why me in good ways and i think that on the bus to work and i get into work and they say take the day off tony, we’re sick of hearing you cough all week.

and i go, really?

and they go, yeah, enjoy the sunshine.

but i just go right back home and put on my pajama bottoms and walk to the po box and see that theres mountians of fan mail and i go, why me why me.

the host of this website offered to take me to the ball game last night and i had to decline, then he offered to take me down to san diego for some horse racing and that too i had to decline and i felt bad because hes the best.

all my friends are the best.

there are ways to show you how cool they all are and one day very soon i hope to accomplish that but how do you capture that really, and tack on 15 years of experiences?

last night miss montreal took me to elvis thai, then we watched porn.

let me tell you a few things about this girl.

first of all, totally gorgeous, which you have to be to win miss montreal because they send all the ugly girls in montreal back to san tropei.

i ate the tom kha gai.

the contact wearing (blue) teenage thai girl who took my order asked me how spicy i wanted the soup.

i said, i dare you.

it’s great to make the kids do a double take.

and my old girlfriend chris will tell you that it’s great when you ask for fucking spicy soup that they give you fucking spicy soup.

and palms thai on hollywood blvd lived up to the challenge and gave me such spicy soup that i sucked down my beer at a rapid pace and soaked it up with the combo fried rice and i was a happy man.

when miss montreal kissed me goodnight it was only 9:30pm but i was very drowsy and drunk and warm and happy and full and refreshed and happy and as stoked as any fellow would be after being in the presence of such a dynamite girl.

i even considered taking a little nap.

numnumnumnumnum.

and then karisa knocked on my door wearing a little black miniskirt, tall boots, with tube socks sticking out the top which only made her legs look longer, and a baseball shirt that matched the socks whose arms had been cut off and which was very tight and exposed the belly.

apparently we had a bowling challenge that she was not going to postpone for one additional day, no matter what.

and it was then that i knew what she was up to. she had worn that outfit to distract me while i bowled. i was on to her.

and she giggled and denied it saying that she hadnt done laundry and those were the only clothes that she had left that were clean.

and smiled. and said, hey can we do some absinthe real quick before we jet?

and this morning i woke up and went through my camera and i was shocked to see that she had some glittery eyeshadow on last night. shocked because i had successfully, if thats the word, not really looked at her, especially in the eyes, which was why i won our three game match.

in which karisa bowled a 204 in the final, most drunken game.

only to be topped by my 209, thank you.

which was then topped this morning by having no hangover, thai leftovers in the fridge, and the rest of a friday to do anything with myself that i please.

and now that ive written you, im not sure what to do.

other than sit outside in the sun and maybe get that nap that i had wanted so badly, and foolishly, twelve or so hours ago.

oh, if only some of what was in here was true.

treacher + negrophile + technorati

they won fair and square.

their bid wasnt even that big.

i would like to say “this is what happens when you dont bid.” but thats not my style.

i would like to say, “lets have a recall auction.”

but im not a weasel like lots of people in my state.

trust me, i was just as shocked and freaked out when i got the email from the winning bidder telling me the name of the website that they wanted me to link

for a year

on my beloved, completely anti-war busblog.

plus the winning bid came from an email address from an ivy league school.

and our dear president came from an ivy league school, so that made me nervous.

so then i actually went to the site that i was going to link for a year.

and the design was very professional.

and then i saw a picture of the guy from Phish under the header: Future Targets for War:

Familiarize yourself with the enemies threatening America. Know who we should attack next and why.

and i realized it was a joke.

it was satire.

a satire website had sponsored my sweet blog for a year.

and i sighed a long breath of relief.

and then i inhaled

and exhaled.

and then i thought, i really do live a lucky ass life.

so welcome aboard Americans for War.

congratulations on winning the auction!

Americans For War, LLC

why the cubs are trading for scrubby players who arent as good as their current scrubby players during the homestretch of their playoff chase.

the guys the cubs picked up in the last month have been:

Tony Womack

Randall Simon

Doug Glanville

Kenny Lofton

Aramis Ramirez

it is very hard for me to believe that such a great baseball mind as espn’s neyer cant see the pattern here that dusty baker is handpicking for his playoff run.

theyre all brothas.

i know aramis is from the dominican republic.. but those are just details that will be answered in due time.

so the question that mr. neyer needs to be posing is why would dusty baker be requesting so many african-americans. and that answer is also easy to answer.

because black folk like to be around black folk. dusty’ll tell ya.

dusty is black and before he arrived the only other black players were corey patterson and compton’s own troy o’leary – if you dont count coaches gene clines and billy williams.

and ernie banks up in the front office.

so with patterson and o’leary ailing, load up on the brothas and give sammy sosa a fellow countryman in ramirez and you have what all teams need: diversity and chemistry.

most of the cubs pitching staff is lily-white if not rednecked, the glaring exception is the firey 22-year old venezuelian

carlos zambrano.

so of course you need some soul.

duh.

now we’re only a french-canadian closer away from a pennant.

rob neyer + matt welch + howard owens + bambino’s curse

threats from the first black president

is going to suspend himself over the thames river in jolly olde england for 44 days in a glass box.

reuters is reporting that the new york street magician, best known for banging the likes of madonna and josie maran will attempt the stunt on september 5 of our lord 2003.

“We are all capable of infinitely more than we believe,” Reuters reported blaine of saying. he will have no means of communication, no food, and it will be his first major “illusion” outside of the usa.

there will be one plexiglass tube for water, and another for his urine, the article stated, adding that brit tv will telecast the event live.

what on earth could they do with a guy sitting in a box for 44 days?

make it interesting and that would be magic.

splink fucking rocks

heres my astrology for next week.

i dont know what it means.

Libra Horoscope for week of August 21, 2003

“You have to recognize the demons or else they’ll annoy you like mosquitoes,” poet James Broughton told interviewer Jack Foley. “But if you acknowledge their existence, if you say, ‘All right, here’s a cookie, go sit in the corner,’ then you can go about your work and you don’t have to go into depression because of it.” I suggest you follow Broughton’s advice, Libra. Neither ignore nor over-indulge those pesky voices in your head.

the only demons that i have are the ones that tell me that i dont f good, write well, or do my job as good as my coworkers.

the hottie from the other night wrote me a short little email the next day saying

you are very very good.

that should hopefully keep the demons at bay for a week, but you never know.

then the instapundit linked me the other day, something he doesnt do that often, and he linked the longest post ive written in a long time.

so his acknowledgement should f with my demons for a little while as well.

and then i got a good review a few weeks at work, so the xbi is covered.

therefore i dont know what mr. brezney is talking about.

i know my house is messy, but thats certainly not a demonic deal that i worry about.

very interesting.

maybe the astrology is telling me that i need to think about things that i have pushed so far down that i am in denial about them being demons in my life.

hmmmmm.

i do have some loose ends in the dream job department, but those things are pretty much out of my hands, therefore no need to worry about them.

clipper girl isnt talking to me, neither is her cousin, but cheerleaders are as tempermental as the stock market, so no need to worry about that.

and the cubs are the cubs. theyre doomed to fail.

maybe astrology is full of it.

maybe i need to find out who im going to see the muffs with this weekend.

maybe thats the worry i have smooshed down and forgotten about.

this is what happens when you write too much in one day.

go read doc searls who is on fire talking about his mom + or sk smith who’s just plain rad

i think you might see me here

KROQ’S INLAND INVASION III

Glen Helen Hyundai Pavilion, September 20th

The Cure

Duran Duran

Hot Hot Heat

Dashboard Confessional

Interpol

Echo and the Bunnymen

Violent Femmes

Psychedelic Furs

Fountains of Wayne

Bow Wow Wow

General Public

Marc Almond of Soft Cell

Berlin

Dramarama

and they beached the fucker the other day and tried to lie about it, but one of my buddies was vacationing in marsailles and sent me this picture and said isnt that The Ilka II?

and yes it was her, all tilted and bouncing in the surf, so i called up the frenchies and i said wtf bitches? and they snivelled and said that there was a terrible storm and i said too bad, take care of the shit, you break it you own it and they started yelling at me in french and i said i will come over there and i will fuck your shit up and they were all, come on out here and you know what i did, i flew chopper one out there after work yesterday and i landed it in their backyard in the middle of the night and i kicked down their front door and i said daddys home motherfuckers.

and right away they surrendered like cheap trick.

they wrote me a check for like a million euros and i flew back home, so forgive me if i dont write a lot today, im tired.

chopper one has a really good auto pilot mode but youre not supposed to flick it on and fall asleep cuz its what the manual calls “unsafe.”

but i have had the best girlfriend that im ever going to have, ive had the best sex that im ever going to have, ive had the best head im ever going to get, and ive even had the best teen girlfriend im ever going to get.

the only reason for me to go on each day is to try to stay alive long enough to watch the cubs win the world series.

and as long as the Tribune Corp owns my team im screwed.

so i flicked on the autopilot, told the cd player that i wanted to hear my Air mix tape, and i snoozed my way across the atlantic.

like a pimped out superhero’s supposed to, chienne.

some people dont sleep well as their black helicopter is hurdled through the pre-dawn darkness on autopilot invisible to radar and jets and etc., but i sleep very well.

and oddly its the only time that i dream consistantly.

last night i drempt that i was back on this stakeout that we’d been on last week.

it was outside of a construction site. i was noticing how all the construction workers were actually giving all the women a really fair assessment.

it didnt matter what the woman looked like, the fellas would give them a good look-see and after they passed by they would say to their associates good things about one part of the body or the other.

as piggish as it was, it was actually open-minded and forgiving.

then i woke up.

jack + dougie + dean + katie’s hot new do

this is supposed to be the year.

they keep on getting these scrubs like kenny lofton and tony womack who arent bad and its not like theyre not trying, they are trying.

and randall simon was the hardest guy to strike out last year and im glad they got him too.

but we need a-rod.

why should the yankees get everyone?

i just finished Moneyball, and i dont finish many books, but i took my time with that one and i loved it.

it taught me to look at life differently.

Moneyball shows us that the best way to follow baseball is to not watch it too closely, so when i was at the ball game the other day i took pictures of pretty much everything other than the game.

im not quite sure thats what the book was talking about, but it was a great book.

i’d like the author to follow the Cubs next year and explain to us why its going to be another hundred years before they win the world series.

im hungry. im thirsty. i think i have a bowling date with karisa tonight but she’ll probably wuss out because she fears my mighty bowling prowess.

the last time we went she got me hammered and beat my ass and she keeps reminding me that she beat my ass and wont let me forget it.

i dont even remember the game i was so drunk.

moneyball was written so clearly that it made the narrator seem invisible. it just told the story. yes it was slanted towards one side but its an amazing story: how you can spend a fraction of what everyone else is spending on players and beat their ass repeatedly.

now i know why theyre not going to re-sign miguel tejada.

if i go bowling with karisa tonight im going to beat her by 100 pins. and then i’ll drink.

i know i always say that and i know she always ends up getting me drunk but i have will power.

i dont but lets pretend i do.

i like it when people say that i have the coolest blog going.

if i dont go bowling tonight i will update the front page, and i will look for a new stat program.

the one i have doesnt do averages very well.

the last two days the blog has gotten on average of about 3,500 hits. one day it got 5,000 hits.

the average day in the busblog i get about 1,000.

but those two days out of 200 shouldnt bump the average to close to 2,000. the average is like 1,250.

i like site meter, ive had them forever, but their numbers cant be trusted. im not as popular as the average says i am and i know i get more hits than the daily stats say.

and karisa, if youre reading this, im going to beat you by 100 pins with an 8 pound ball.

virginia + flagrant + how i didnt catch a home run ball