hi tony. tony are you italian?

do you like italian men?

i love italian men.

then yes, i am italian.

where in italy are you from tony?

im more italian-american.

where are your parents from?

uh…

im from firenze.

florence? i spent my 21th birthday there.

i hear youre very old. is that true?

sadly, yes.

dont be sad, i like older men.

i love you miss italy.

arent you sweet.

yes i arent.

do you think i will win this pageant?

yes. i think you’ll win because you look like former E! personality jules asner.

oh! i like her!

yes, me too. do you mind if i call you jules for the rest of this interview?

not at all. mind if i call you kmetko?

not one bit, jules.

isnt this lovely, kmetko?

will you hold my hand, jules?

certainly.

mmmmmm.

you have a strange hand, did you have an accident when you were a child?

thats not my hand, but yes i did.

wormhog + xtracyx + science blog + mad pony kristin

here in the city of angels and i cant say im in the very best moods.

on paper i really should be. on paper i should be one of the happiest people around. but theres a reason we play the game, now, isn’t there.

i think my head is as gray as the horizon because my best friends sorta ditched me this weekend.

one is in love, the other… well, its not so unusual.

it looks like there might be some major changes in the busblog and i need these two people to give me advice and clarity and encouragement. i don’t rely on that many people and im not one to really whine about friends so maybe i should shut it.

anyhow, anna, im sure you’re in love with enrique, and i know this is your honeymoon, but you told me that you were going to help me with the redesign. this is no time to go off and get hitched.

today i don’t want to be at the xbi but i have to go in earlier than normal. that blows.

i get to leave earlier than normal so that’s fine.

sometimes i think people totally understand where im coming from, then i think people don’t understand me at all.

i think im so easy to get along with.

gray skies of hollywood why do you cover my dear city so?

if i wanted this shit i would still be living in frisco.

i still haven’t seen the matrix two, i still haven’t seen bruce almighty, or nemo, or anything.

i have to cover for this guy in security and as i type this every two seconds a door opens behind me and its distracting and jarring cuz nobody should have a desk with a door behind them. not in this business.

i got hbo restored to my directv a few weeks ago and its been nice watching reruns of the sopranos.

yesterday was the first day that furio worked in america.

lane + jimmy t + lane + layne

last sunday i was procrastinating about a proposal i was writing, tonight im procrastinating about a photo essay of all things.

the tsar show this weekend was magical and wonderful but for some reason i dont want to write about it, which sucks cuz i have lots of great pictures.

where are my interns?

wheres my writing staff?

jimmyt doesnt want me to write about chicks so much and if i told bob hope to fuck off last week for making it to 100 what do you think i should tell jimmyt for telling me to take it easy on writing about chicks?

everything on here is symbolism, jimmy. they didnt like us writing symbolism in college, but then they had us read the most symbolic novels of all time: canteburry tales, ulysees, revelations.

dating women in hollywood is symbolism for lots of things, and never are the stories that i tell just about that one thing. the scene might be set in a boudior but the nugget of truth is discovered somewhere else. nakedness equals blank slate, vulnerabililty, trust, love, etc. never is having sex an accomplishment in the busblog, its merely a begining of a new set of problems, and how can you introduce those problems unless you describe how they got there.

most of the time its just he begining of the joke.

two midgets walk into a bar

but the way i do it, its just like, two hot chicks take off their shoes at the foot of my bed.

i say, no no no put those back on. who wants those off?

they say, fine fine. and put them back on.

who ever told van gogh enough with the flowers?

one of the girls i know. shes friends with someone i know. and because of that i know that she has a boyfriend. i dont know the boyfriend, but i know that hes an ok guy.

shes very beautiful and i dont know why she wants to cheat on him, and the devil part of my brain is on full blast saying do her do her do her and her best friend. look they put their shoes back on. they want to do whatever you say.

and shes gonna cheat on him anyway.

even the good part of my brain is pretty loud.

you have condoms, you know. lots.

but its sunday. the lords day. the day we were meant to keep holy, and this is far from holy so i tell them that i need to call them a cab.

they look sad in their matching blue sparkley wigs.

disappointed in their skirts.

so close and yet so far

so bad

buzz machine + beef jerky + bye oish

where would you go?

i would head to the corner of clark and addison in chicagos north side, wrigley field.

i would make sure to get there by saturday because on that day the new york yankees will play the chicago cubs.

it will be a match up of young versus old. power versus power. dynasty versus dustiny.

clemens versus wood.

roger clemens will be trying to get his 300th win, the milestone of milestones for starting pitchers.

he is also nine strikeouts short of 4,000, only two other pitchers have ever reached that mark.

earlier on ebay i saw tickets going for as low as $200 a pair, but now theyre up to $600.

i think thats nice.

what i also think is nice is that my phone keeps ringing and its anna kournikova.

shes calling from the dominican republic because she just got married to enrique and if i could go anywhere i wouldnt go to the dominican because i dont believe in that marriage.

its a sham anna and you know it.

for if you were serious you would have gotten hitched in vegas like you always said you would.

with me.

chinomikan + etoy + gnome girl

will stay up for this week, a bonus week.

who doesn’t love bonuses.

when i sold tvs they would have daily bonuses and contests.

on saturday mornings they would bring in a deli tray and we would sit on speakers in the speaker room and the boss would talk to us about numbers, and about which salesmen did what during the week, and what the truck just brought in, and what we should look out for because of the ad.

sometimes he’d reach into his pocket and pull out laker tickets.

sometimes he would unfurl a hundred scratch-off lottery tickets.

sometimes he would pull out a hundred dollar bill.

usually it was something like first person to sell a five year warranty wins.

for the laker tickets it was first person to sell a five year and a three year.

at a different job i once was given a trip to europe with my girlfriend.

one place i worked for two years and it was run on a tight budget so nobody got little bonuses and i thought that was sorta dumb. the least they could have done was give someone a bonus personal day.

ted youve kicked ass lately, have a day off on us.

the xbi is interesting because you cant really call in sick. everyone is vital. if one of the crew members of chopper one isnt there, we cant do it right.

first of all, its an illegal vehicle used from stolen parts and possible alien technology. secondly, it could be captured and end up in the wrong hands. thirdly it would be impossible to replace. therefore there can be no fucking around with it.

we get bonuses almost every day.

it’s nice.

well this last week has been a bonus week to me. nearly every day something super cool happened to me.

sorta feels like a tip of the hat from the man upstairs, and i give a tip of the hat right back.

a tip of the hat to everyone.

it’s been a pleasure to link to digital tavern this month, a blog with smart writing, excellent design, and as of late, great original photography.

and its been a pleasure to watch the cubs, who are still in first place, and its now june.

and it was a pleasure to kiss that pretty girl.

and it was a pleasure to be rocked by tsar.

thank you one and all.

digital tavern

why not. everyone was there and it was wilder than the last time.

its funny, as great as last night was, i really dont feel like rehashing it.

but i will try.

because you had to put up with that naked guy all day.

naked guy was even at the party. he was clothed and equipped with a smoking hot girlfriend. we were all drunk so i asked him all the questions people were too shy to ask.

have you ever been naked on stage before?

no.

who called the police on you in pittsburgh?

the hotel desk chick.

was she old?

no she was young.

did you see those gay guys totally loving your nudity?

yes!

did that freak you out at all?

no!

then i poured him some absinthe and decided that he was an ok guy.

he is an ok guy.

people lost their keys and their cellphones. i found some barrettes on the floor this morning. i had a terrible hangover. it took most of the day to recover.

im still recovering and now its bedtime.

all i have to say is im a lucky man and i have some great friends and some of my friends play in the best band in america, and that includes both north and south america.

and i have some great neighbors who put up with a much louder party than the other week.

and i live a blessed life, which i dont deserve, but i totally appreciate.

and the cubs totally won after 15 innings thanks to sammy sosa who is back

and now the cubs are unstoppable.

bettie girl + circa 1977 + moxie was there

may 30, 2003

the Garage, Hollywood, CA

and the winner (for this round) is eve 6

barely.

Tsar (pictured) will combat the hype that is Eve 6 tonight!

Who is Eve 6?

This is Eve 6:

Rocker’s Reputed Naked Romp

Thu May 29, 6:40 PM ET

By Joal Ryan

eonline.com

A rock star’s life on the road is one big to-do list: Bring guitar, leave girlfriend at home, wear pants.

Wear pants.

Can Max Collins be expected to remember everything?

Pittsburgh-area police apparently think so.

Officers there arrested the lead singer of Los Angeles-based rock outfit Eve 6 early Tuesday after receiving a complaint from a local hotel of “a male…in the lobby without his pants on,” Lt. Michael Hoover of the Moon Township, Pennsylvania, Police Department said.

The hotel was the Crowne Plaza in Coraopolis, Pennsylvania, located just outside the Pittsburgh International Airport. The pantsless male was Max Collins, at least according to “a number of witnesses.”

“Was I naked? Or does everyone else just have clothes on?,” Collins asked, tongue presumably in cheek, in a statement released Thursday.

To be sure, it was clothed people who ratted out the rocker. They told police Collins was parading around the lobby, sans pants, and riding the elevator, sans pants.

Even cops concede, however, that rocker was not entirely naked.

“He did have shaving cream on his genitalia,” Hoover said Thursday.

Still, there is a reason why humans wear Dockers, and not thick, foamy lathers, in polite company.

Despite Collins alleged efforts to cover up with shaving cream, it was “clearly evident,” as Hoover put it, that beneath the Barbasol lay the frontman’s instrument.

It was not known if Barbasol was Collins’ brand of choice. We just hope to God it wasn’t one of those clear gel formulas.

Whatever his favorite label, Collins apparently didn’t pack enough. According to reports, shortly before police were called, Collins appeared at the front desk (sans pants–natch) and asked if he could trouble the hotel for some shaving cream (double natch). An employee then escorted the unclad rocker back to the elevator, and implored the young man to clad himself. Collins allegedly didn’t heed the advice, with the near-naked lobby parading and elevator riding commencing.

By the time police arrived on scene, the show was over. Collins was found in his room, still sans pants, Hoover said.

Police did ask Collins exactly why he was sans pants, but “he had no reason for his behavior,” Hoover said.

Was it maybe, well, hot in Pittsburgh that night?

“No,” Hoover said.

(Just trying to be helpful.)

On Thursday, Collins blamed boredom.

He and bandmates were in Pittsburgh for X-Fest, an alternative rock bash held Memorial Day at Post-Gazette Pavilion. Eve 6 played during the day, with Collins’ arrest occurring after midnight, several hours later.

“We were bored and in the middle of nowhere,” Collins said in the statement. “This is what happens when you play an afternoon show and are stuck in a hotel in Moon Township, PA.”

Collins was booked on suspicion of indecent exposure, Hoover said. MTV.com reported Collins’ brief stint behind bars ended Tuesday when he posted bail at the Allegheny County Jail. A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Tuesday.

RCA Records spokeswoman Maggie Wang said it wasn’t believed Collins’ close shave in Pittsburgh would sabotage Eve 6’s summer plans, which include a club tour starting in mid-June, and the release of the band’s third album, It’s All in Your Head, due out July 22.

“We view it as a minor incident,” Wang said of the arrest.

Eve 6, which charted in 2000 with the hit “Here’s to the Night,” is scheduled to shoot a music video next month in Los Angeles. The band’s first single from the new album: “Think Twice.”

Always good advice when about to parade around in a hotel lobby, sans pants.

tsar’s homepage

i was drunk, i didn’t know how she got there. if there was a web cam in my house maybe you people could see that lots of times things just happen to me. i have very little control over the circumstances.

life is fuzzy. things fade in and out. my legitimate kids will never have to worry about tv reception, but it’s like that sometimes. flashes like a strobe light.

bowling. riding. drinking. smoking. church members. bicycles. back door. phone ringing. groceries still on the floor. knock at the door. phone ringing. ice cream. soda. phone still ringing. pee. door bell rings. take off shirt. take off shorts. take off shoes. oops. cell phone rings. turn on computer.

people know i don’t open my door at night still they try to trick me with fancy knocks. heres the secret knock to get me to open the door: don’t knock. don’t ring the bell either. don’t call the phone, don’t call the cell phone. get me on instant messenger or write an email.

better yet, write about me on your blog.

blonde girl wrote about me on her secret blog. then she instant messaged my ass. phone rang. unplugged the phone.

she said she wanted me to call her and talk dirty. i said i just unplugged the phone.

she said she wanted to come over just to sleep.

i said we’re not just going to sleep.

then she said things that are the right things to say to a drunken man who had just bowled a 95 and was served three shots of 151. she said i was beautiful. she said that no one touched her like i did. i asked, with my hands? she said with your hands with your mouth with your words with your thoughts.

i told her all i had were dirty thoughts and she said sexy isnt dirty then she said that i taught her that. then i said i was going to bed. then she said she was coming over to leave the gate open.

went to bed. let the gate open. fell asleep. woke up. is someone trying to kill me. kill me then. fell back asleep. who’s saying my name. who’s whispering my name. who’s playing with my chest hair. who’s telling me i have gray chest hairs. three of them. four of them.

who’s telling me they don’t care if i don’t wake up. that they know how to wake up.

who’s awake.

izzy + midnight magicka + screaming into the wind