i design see-thru wedding gowns.

vera wang doesnt have shit on me.

bitch.

yesterday two smart people were talking about me, apparently. how fucked up is that?

i wasnt trying to “out” jason for not using Blogger, since he pretty much outs himself by linking MT himself under “Tools” (meanwhile Blogger Pro is mysteriously missing.)

anyhow, according to his post he and metafilter mastermind matt haughey were comparing me to everything that was ever posted on GeoCities.

ah, flattery.

although now i cant remember even one good thing ive ever seen on GeoCities, minus some PS-1 game cheats, Directv hack ideas, and secret photos from my girl flagrant.

anyway, here is what i wish their conversation had been

jason: pierce is the shit.

matt: yup yup

jason: we found a gold mine, we’re thinking about giving it to him so he would work for us.

matt: fuck that shit homey, we found two gold mines and we have the offer in legal right now.

jason: dont lie, he doesnt even post on metafilter any more.

matt: he does, different user name.

jason: serious? whats his user name?

matt: its on the dl, brah, if you read close, you could see.

jason: we’re gonna get him a car, and paint it so it says google on one side and blogger on the other side, and pay him to drive around and write.

matt: we’re going to get him a hummer.

jason: we already sent christina aguelera over to give him that.

matt: no, asswipe, a truck. we’re going to give him a hummer and have it say metafilter all over it and pay him to do a blog about all the things he learned each day from metafilter.

jason: we’re going to give him a motorhome.

matt: we’re going to give him a motorhome and a driver.

jason: we’re going to give him a motorhome and a home in the east village.

matt: where will he park it?

jason: jersey.

matt: we’re going to let him take over sportsfilter.

jason: we’re going to let him go on a kissing spree. 365 girls in 365 days.

matt: thats sorta sick, yo.

jason: the motorhome chauffer will be a retired doctor who will give the girls check ups right there on the road before tony even meets them.

matt: once again, my friend, you have sunk my battleship.

whats going on?

just watching the lakers lose and thinking of you.

are the girls in canada beautiful as the internet would have us believe?

is it true that youre about to legalize marijuana just for me?

i dont really smoke marijuana, but thank you, youre sweet.

canada, is it true you dont have the nfl?

is it true that its warmer up there than everyone thinks. that everyone wears fur coats and noone stinks.

is it true that lots of the hot chicks speak french and that kurdt kobain used to go up there to chill out.

its not as warm in la as the brochure makes it look.

and weed isnt legal, its sixty an eighth which makes me happy that i dont smoke it.

and we dont have the nfl either.

canada, is it true that you have socialized medicine, clean air, and its ok to have a pirated directv dish so you can get every channel on earth?

i think im falling in love with you.

c’est d’accord?

i know magazines cost more and cigarrettes do too, but i dont smoke cigarrettes either.

smokes should cost more. they’ll kill ya.

weed just makes you laugh.

and eat.

everything in the house.

and drink so much diet pepsi its wrong.

canada is it true that you want to make a new las vegas up there?

its not true?

hmmm, well, do you wanna?

canada, do you think one of your newspapers might hire me?

i’ll do anything.

i <3 canada + david murray is an idiot + canada, can i bring kristin?

hundreds of you have chosen to link me. many because of my anna kournikova coverage. some for the witty political insights. some just for the free porn.

like the children that i have sired, im not afraid to choose favorites.

one of my favorite linkers is the Snoop Doggy Blog. i dont know who this person is, i dont know how they found me, and im not terribly interested in finding out. im just happy to be on the best Snoop Dogg web site. much love to my homie from the LBC.

and Snoop, because i know youre down with her, Anna K. will be starting her comeback tonight, cinco de beer-o down in hotlanta georgia in the $25,000 Pinto Open. or something like that.

another one of my favorite spots to see a link to my name is on the Instapundit’s site. i dont know who the instapundit is – oh wait, yes i do – and he hardly ever talks about me, but theres my name on the left hand side just like i am someone special. ahhh, luxury.

then of course theres Ev’s site. ev created the software that we now call Blogger. how cool is it to be linked on his page? check that, he took down all his links. die yuppie pig.

just joshing. theres plenty of googlebloggers out there who link to me and that makes up for it. i especially like being linked by jason sutter, a googler blogger because he has the nads to use moveable type.

i like being linked by writers who write way better than me, like soundbitten, big time movers and shakers like doc searls and jeff jarvis, sexy writers like the Adultress and the Reverse Cowgirl, and sports freaks like the baseball blog and classy mofos like riley dog, none of which makes any sense to me.

and then theres all the hot girls around the planet who link to the busblog.

too many to talk about here.

far too many.

but right now im liking the fact that bing is reading this #1 cuz shes from toronto and lots of good things come from toronto #2 cuz shes asian, and asian girls own me, and #3 cuz she asked me not to link her for idealistic reasons, and i think thats cute.

im also liking that Laura has me (near) at the top of her list because i used to read her thing like years ago, and its cool that she is reading my thing now despite the fact that we’ve never even exchanged even one email.

but perhaps my favorite hot chick website link of the day has got to be from krix at keanuvision who might just be the most excited person in the galaxy since her boy will be starring in the most highly anticipated sequel since empire strikes back.

thanks to everyone who sends people to this dumb page, i will thank more of you next time.

the annual sausage party went off without a hitch, the landlord was grumpy but didnt evict anyone, the neighbor down below made a bunch of noise and answered her doorbell in her lingerie but didnt call the cops, pink dot arrived after several hours and only charged us $30 for two cases of corona instead of $40

and even though there was plenty of nudity most of it came from my ass.

there are tons of pictures but most of them are blurry and drunken and sloppy and happy so use your imagination, it was a party of k*s work friends and friend friends and i got lots of stains on my cords to prove that a good time was had by all.

i like birthdays when the guest of honor isnt afraid to ask for everything that they want. karisa is a carnivore like no other. this girl eats more steaks than you would believe.

so around 9pm when everyone had gathered it became obvious that the macaroni salad and guacamole and homemade birthday cake just wasnt going to do the trick, so i was sent out with karisas hot roommate to the store to get a dozen or so steaks, charcoal, and beer.

we returned, i started the grill poolside and in the dark i made mostly medium-rare steaks for everyone with nothing more than some small tongs and a bottle of A-1. because the ladies didnt have a large assortment of steak knives, several of us resorted to cutting our t-bones with huge butcher knives. it was quite fun. i recommend it.

a handsome hawaiian neighbor arrived with his little dog and made the girls stand up and pay attention due to his striking resemblance to keanu reeves, and none of them noticed when his little mutt did his business by the hot tub.

after our meal we adjurned to the apartment and played a variety of dice and card games. the purpose of the sport apparently was to get all of us as drunken as possible before our drives home. since i had no car, i didnt hold back one bit. first i had mexican beer, then i had light beer, then i had some shots of vanilla rum, then i uncorked the wine, then back to beer, then a shot of some other good stuff.

karisa’s favorite card drinking game is called Allen. since it was her birthday we played a few rounds of that leaving everyone rosy cheeked and laughing.

the cake was delicious as was the evening and i am so happy that i was invited, so thank you karisa for having me over, any time you turn 80 again, please look me up.

standing room only + bukkake does britan + nevada ken

its wonderful.

rode the bus in the rain after work to karisas favorite bar, not because karisa was going to be there, but because it was a block away from where this hot chick works.

she and i spent a lot of time together about a year ago, and then things ended with a slam of my back door.

just like all the women in my life this one was smart pretty funny incredible and successful.

xxx body xxx eyes. she resisted me, then fell for it, then we fought, then it ended.

the other day she told me that she had started reading my blog again, so after a few emails i asked her if she was still with her dude, and she said as a matter of fact she wasn’t, so i asked her if we could share a little drink together, she said she would like that.

all of this surprised me because my memory of her was that she didn’t like me, my lifestyle, the way i kissed, the way i was intimate, my hollywood mansion, my malibu beach house, my flying car, my taste in music, or, shall we say, my shoe size.

nothing in here is true.

still i was excited riding the bus to The Rendevous on las palmas, so much so that i cell phoned her ass to tell her i would be nine minutes late.

arrived, she was waiting, we embraced. she sat on one end of the booth, i wanted to sit on the other end but the springs on that end were so worn in the cozy dive bar that i was forced to sit closer to the young lady.

after a few rounds she began telling me that she had changed completely since we last met.

she told me that i was the reason that she had broken out of her shell, why she had finally allowed herself to live her own life, that i had inspired her to truly be herself and do the things that she wanted.

it was a really great story.

then she told me that she started a blog and began writing the day after we stopped hanging out, and that now that it has been updated regularly for a while you can see how she has grown.

all the flattery she dished my way while weaving this tale was making me grow.

i waited for her to tell me something bad, but she never did. infact she said that she loved coming to my homes. she loved being with me. she would come home buzzing and her friends would accuse her of being on drugs.

i was so happy and relieved to hear these things i couldn’t stop smiling.

she told me some really personal things that i wish i could reveal here, but, lets just say those things made me smile that much more.

then she told me that i always write how i cant believe why all these great things happen to me, and she said that i should stop being surprised, that the key to my success is that i don’t judge people, and girls feel liberated by that, and therefore let their hair down.

she said im girls gone wild in slippers.

and even though i hadn’t planned on doing it, i leaned in to kiss her

like old times

like we did last summer

but this girl wasn’t about going backwards anymore, and smilingly turned her head away giving me full access to the jugular

which i kissed

softly

like id never been there before.

sahalie + sharkbitten + instant gator

for a minute or two, since thats all the time they’re worth.

what fucking rock do these people crawl out from under?

it’s a comment box on a blog, folks. if you have something negative to say, why is it that you’re too fearful to leave your real name and a homepage and/or email address?

are you afraid i will track you down and email you a virus? are you afraid that im going to track you down and email you and call you a fucking dipshit?

im calling you a dipshit now! and not even for your opinions, but for your cowardace.

i barely write back the penthouse models who write me weekly and tell me that im the fucking shit. what an ego you must have to think i’d waste my time arguing with you about a comment that you left on my stupid blog.

its a blog!

the reason that i sign my name and homepage and email address on the comments that i leave on other people’s blogs and websites is because im not ashamed of my beliefs. i am strong enough to back my words with my name. i am courageous enough to have some imbecile email me back, if he so chooses, if he disagrees with my objection.

and if bro wants to start a little flame war with me, guess what, i’ll just hit delete. i got no time for flame wars. im no longer in junior high. this aint no bulletin board.

plus the email addresses i usually use go to my spam account heytony@hotmail.com

fill that box up as much as you want, dungeon masters.

the comments section of this blog, for all of you who dont know, is set up primarilly for people to tell me how fucking killer i am.

52. Michael C.

if you choose to disagree with me on my dumbass opinion, have the nads to leave your name and/or webpage and/or email address. i promise you i wont email you back. but if you have a website, i might look at it to see whatever opinions you have.

you can disagree with me about the commander and thief, that doesnt mean that everything you stand for isnt complete bullshit. you, for example, might have excellent taste in punk rock music. you might have design elements on your site that make me keep on coming back for more.

the least you can do is have the decency of the least of all of us for even drudge, as much of a republican houseboy as he is, dirty kneepads and all, has the decency to put his name behind his links and statements and lies and exaggerations.

i am seriously considering making the comments open only to those who have legit email addresses, or webpages, or even names.

but what i probably will start doing is just deleting the anonymous ones.

even though that goes against the freedom that i so love about this country. the freedom where even spineless idiots have a voice.

im just not so sure i want this sacred page to be their pissing floor.

matt + matt affleck + ken sings