simple, it confuses burglars
hey tony, why is your room a fucking mess?
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Tag Archives: ask tony
tony are you proud of TONY?
a mysterious stranger at ask lana asks this mysterious question.
Are you proud of TONY? Notice, I didn’t ask: are you proud of your ACCOMPLISHMENTS, but asked if you’re proud of YOU! Mothers and gods aside; I’m not asking if you are WORTHY of someone’s respect or love or admiration; I’m asking if what you think and feel and believe and how you behave and shit makes YOU proud. Pride doesn’t just come from actions; a lot of it comes from how we THINK; our attitudes, not just our personalities. You can have a great PERSONALITY because you have restraint and know enough not to step on any toes or ruffle any feathers; but!!!!! Attitude is that feeling you have about shit on the INSIDE! Are you proud of THAT? Why or why not?
no. none.
pride, like jealousy, is foreign to me and always has been. probably since school when i would write or do something that i thought was spectacular and the teacher would say “meh”. at that point i learned whatever alleged “pride” i had didn’t matter in the formula.
also theres this: the few times i have achieved great success it was always a team effort. thus the feeling i had was Fortunate, not Pride. i was lucky to have been on the lake park high school marching band drum line. i was sooooo lucky to write at the daily nexus. and likewise i was so lucky to get hired and then get to run LAist with all the great people i got to work with. all of those so called individual awards or stories or poems or actions were learned from my surroundings or inspired by the spirit. my input was minimal other than staying out of the way of imminent greatness.
when i went to the Times and we were hugely successful, that was a variety of things: an interesting math theory regarding (frequency of posts By talented reporters Plus SEO plus great editing plus timing multiplied by Digg/Reddit). but none of it would have happened if i was not allowed the green light to try it on all of the desks at the paper (luck times patience). the theories derived not from my head but from the total feedback from the Technorati Top 100: boingboing did it, so lets try it. it had little to do with me.
even when i blog something good on this blog or think about this blog as a whole, pride does not factor in because this is merely an evolution of keeping a diary in school in a wired notebook to creating a web site to then using blogger and now wordpress.
is the farmer proud when the seed and water and dirt makes a fruit? no, he thanks God and moves on.
of course there are exceptions. this is the only one i can think of.
while at UCSB, at the Nexus, i was given an internal award from my peers. they voted me the best arts and entertainment writer of the paper my junior year. i was proud because there were probably 10 other people who could have won that. our paper was stacked. we’d win best in state for that section that next year and the next couple of years.
so to be voted positively by the people i respected the most meant more to me than when i won state the next year for the whole section.
because duh we were better than everyone else, but how were we viewed internally: that always fascinated me.
tony are you sure you’re black?
cynical and new busblog reader Lana [Turner??] from naturobetic has many many questions.
Are you absolutely SURE you’re black? I’m having a hard time buying THAT, too! I saw many pics of you and you only look part black in one. Is your father black or part black? I saw your mother’s pic; she doesn’t look black, either. Were you adopted?
And does “being” black REALLY give you permission to call people the N word? Or even utter the N word? It was wrong for Paula Deen and it’s wrong for you! Or, do you just wish you were black ’cause it’s cool?
the great thing about looks is they are deceiving.
when i was born and until i was in about the third grade i was very light skinned, much like the relatives i had on my fathers side of the family. we think my moms dad is cuban, but he could just be canadian.
you see, the records of black people, are not as detailed as those of other races because, well… guess.
my mother and father are really black. they met at a historically black college in Tennessee because believe it or not, but not that long ago blacks were not allowed to go to a lot of colleges – particularly in the south. even if you were light skinned.
so they went to school, met, fell in love. my dad was the president of his fraternity – a black one. my mom was the star of her sorority (also, black).
and when they got married and had children they had two little black kids. one was light skinned one was dark skinned.
like most kids we visited santa in december – long after any summer tan would have worn off and when i was in 1st grade this is what we looked like. she was clearly darker than me. and freaked out by Mr. Claus
then just a few years later we saw him again and something miraculous happened
she was no longer *much* darker than me. also she had chilled.
and just look how my afro was starting to really get gorgeous.
as i got older i got darker. maybe theres a scientific term for it.
and my afro just got bigger.
so anyway, yes, black. and yes, the shade of my skin has lightened since high school.
it’s weird. but real. it’s not a skin disease. i have no blotchy areas.
but, still, black and beautiful. not adopted.
and with that, yes, i can use the n word. much as i like.
and i can travel freely to any part of town.
plus, when youre light skinned like i am, you can also travel freely to all parts of town.
nowadays, especially since i shave my head, mexicans think im mexicans
middle easterners think im from the middle east.
and people tend to project whatever theyre most comfortable with.
as someone who enjoys being a reporter, it’s a great blessing.
is being black “cool”?
it wasnt when i was a kid
until i made it cool.
tony why are you shy?
new busblog reader Lana [del Rey???] from naturobetic has many many questions. and as you will see, the queries cannot be resolved simply with a yes or a no and she asked that i remain as frank as possible. so the next batch of posts will be her questions, unedited, and my responses, for yr ass
1) Why are you shy (especially in person)? I’ve seen some of your picture; you don’t look like a little kid (anymore). You seem to be at an age where you SHOULD be comfortable in your own skin (so to speak).
Why are you so fucking reserved? It’s good you have restraint and don’t go off on crazy people like me who dare attack the “world famous” busblog but you not being able to tell people what you really mean or what you really want to say (in person) is odd, given you’re almost 100 fucking years old and should have all the confidence and wisdom in the world by now, so as not to fear their reaction(s)!
Why damn it…WHYYYYY?????!!!!!????? What’s REALLY stopping you from “opening up?”
i didnt start off shy. when i was in kindergarten i was seated next to the shiest kid so we would balance each other. i was hyper and bubbly and he was introverted and quietly hilarious. we were best friends throughout school until i moved to sunny california, we are still friends today and will attend a cubs game in a few months.
we also experienced something that affected me a lot more than it affected him. somewhere in grade school he and i and one other person were considered “gifted”. they put us three in a separate classroom and taught us advanced math and science. we got to work on computers. the pace was much quicker. and while it was great to not be so bored in class, i hated being separated from my other friends.
before this happened, we had originally been separated by some of our friends because they put is in “the advanced” classes. that was a little easier because those classes had 20+ kids. but i missed my burnout long haired friends and all the others. but being in a class of 3 — it almost felt like we were being punished for something. also i rejected the idea that the rest of my friends were dumb or slow or whatever the powers that be thought.
so early on i “learned” that to be perceived as smart brought along the exact same results as being perceived as not-smart: isolation, extra work, limited social opportunities, and an unasked for sign over ones head that says Different.
i was already the only black kid in school. why would i want another reason for people to see that i didnt fit in? kids want to feel like they belong. not that theyre aliens.
so one of the indirect lessons i learned from my actual shy friend was if you chill out, you wont stand out, and you wont get kicked out. sadly we both fucked up when we took the standardized test and answered all 500 questions perfectly.
since then i have been reluctant to either give 100%, shine the light super bright, or take off the clark kent glasses because when i do, it can be super annoying for all parties involved.
wear dumb clothes, dont spell check, and for heavens sake study the one thing no one of any sense really cares about: the good book.
for some reason im not shy around journalists.
hey tony, how havent you gotten married yet?
dear tony,
ive read your blog. ive read your tweets, ive seen your instagrams,
ive read your palm, ive audited your taxes, ive investigated your tarot.
you are a libra on the scorpio cusp. bad moon rising.
you’re healthy, semi-wealthy, and wise.
you have no problem talking with women or making even the most uncooperative of us smile.
you’re nearly 100 years old (black sure dont crack). so why havent you gotten married ever?
my guess: you are afraid of commitment, intimacy, and you hide behind your blog.
signed,
Famous Expert
dear expert,
some of what you say is true. i am wise. and im healthy. the rest, you should do more research.
i am not afraid of anything except the good lord (rightfully) nixxing me from Paradise.
when it comes to romance i go all in. i’ll fly to foreign lands, i’ll fly the lands to me.
i pay for everything. i give up everything.
i do all of the things ive seen other men refuse to do, not because of any other reason than i think its fun.
but there are several outside forces that, if you have truly read this blog, i have laid out repeatedly: the first is the undercover agency the xbi. they like it when i am sans babes. i get to help them save the world when im solo. the second is the angels. sometimes they pull apart the good things that i have going so the young lady can blossom somewhere else outside of my every clutching clutches. and the third is me. i am not as incredible in real life as i am on the www. i dress very badly, i have a spare tire belly, i eat at mcdonalds like every day, and i dont have a jealous bone in my body. believe it or not, that bothers some ladies.
regardless, i do not have the same goals as many on the planet. i do not think a wife, kids, and a minivan is the key to happiness. i think it can bring happiness. and im sure i could have been happy if one thing led to another and poof i was softball soccer dad driving my spawn to the bowling alley for tapdance lessons. but for some reason it didnt work out that way.
and i am willing to conclude that thats fine.
do i look at some of my friends and sigh and think wow, fucking kickass house, fucking sweet pool, fucking beautiful fam? yes. do i ever, even for a minute think, i wonder if that was me?
no.
because that is nothing at all who tony pierce, xbi agent to the stars, busblog uber driver to LA, was meant to do.
for better or worse i was not put here to pay off a mortgage.
for worse or better i was put here to kiss pretty girls from around the world.
and then write about some of it
and take pictures in a canadian mirror after being interrogated by the border patrol
for you.
and you.
and them.
because they are busy raising the next generation and paying off that mortgage
and driving to tennis camp.
and when they see what i have to say
which is
none of this is true
they wont be tempted to do it too.
dear tony, no offense but
Lana asks, “No offense but, does it make you feel good your blog about nothing gets you jobs and dates and not REAL merit? Just popularity?”
Firstly my blog is about Everything: sex, drugs, rock, religion, politics, Hollywood, Uber, Lyft, movies, Isla Vista, journalism, blogging, writing, the secretive xbi, doubting, art, magic, and love. You should read it.
Now, does it make me feel good that it has gotten me jobs? I can’t believe it did get me jobs.
Not just any jobs but amazing jobs. Jobs I never thought I’d ever get. Jobs so magical a few don’t even exist any more. Low paying jobs, high paying jobs, middle paying jobs.
All because I clack clack clacked on a keyboard, added an image and hit Publish 15 years ago.
It makes me feel good because this blog got attention not because i was some long legged long haired curvy young lady with an LA face and an Oakland booty, but because the words i typed connected with people in a special way – which is quite an achievement in this cluttered space called the web.
No one reached down from Above and said, listen everyone you MUST read the busblog (actually many did) (which also made me feel all warm and loved inside) but most of those people were not hugely influential massive bloggers.
Some were, which was lovely, but what I am saying is CNN didn’t put me on their homepage week after week with a direct link here and a headline that said OMG TONY YES!
The so-called popularity that you seem to have an issue with was entirely organic, natural, and beautiful. Which is probably why it sustained for so long.
Did it make me feel good that lovely ladies from around the world wanted to go on “dates” with me because of the things I wrote?
No. I wanted them to want me for my body, not my mind.
Which brings us to “REAL merit”.
There are only three people who matter to me, merit-wise, in regards to my blogging here on the busblog.
- My dear mother
- Jesus
- All the ladies out there who secretly want me
If I can warm the hearts of all three of these very important people in my life then that is Real merit to me.
And let me tell you, trying to hit the center of that Venn diagram is not as easy as it looks. My mom doesn’t like swear words, even though I study the bible regularly I’m still unsure what Jesus would find wonderful in this blog, and I am even more clueless about the third group. So I just try to keep it real and come from a place of Goodness and see what happens.
With that said we are here to rock. Every car has a gas pedal and a brake. My old sink has a hot And a cold faucet. And as a red blooded American single man I have a ying AND a very much alert yang.
All of my favorite writers (Bukowski, Twain, Moses, etc) kept it real.
I feel the most satisfied inside immediately after I have finished a blog post where I feel like I have kept it really real and the words sang in a way. To me that is real merit.
But then there’s the bigger picture. The less selfish one: how did what I write or say help others?
If my blogging (or Blog Editing) helped people express themselves or get jobs or dates or whatever they were looking for, then that gives me even more satisfaction. That might be harder for you, an outsider, to see, but when I ran the great LA blog, LAist, or the dozens of blogs at the LA Times, I was able to be with people in a way that hopefully was beneficial to them. And that interaction was rooted, weirdly, in my personal experiences of writing the world famous.
So to answer your question, does it make me feel good that blah blah blah not real merit just popularity?
The only time I feel really good is when someone surprises me with a nude on snapchat, when my momma tells me she liked what I wrote, when the Cubs win the World Series, when my bosses tell me fucking a great job tony, or when the girl in my bedroom says “i just Postmated some Poutine, whatever will we do for twenty minutes?”
the rest of the time i’m a bawling mess alone in my messy room desperately searching for the approval from others.
my snapchat is Tsarfan
dear tony, are you sure you’re not a rock star?
let’s see…
cubs hat: check
cubs shirt: check
beautiful cherry wood gibson SG: check
but i let my axe hang a lot lower than that
also, the only time i wear a cubs hat and cubs shirt at the same time is at Wrigley Field
but i do love Tom Morello and Rage and what he wrote in yesterdays LA Times
is better than anything i ever wrote there times 100
tony what would you do if you could do anything?
you mean like if i won the lottery? because if i won the lottery id buy mom mom a house with a giant garden
in the garden would be incredible bubbling ponds and tiny volcanoes.
the volcanoes would errupt right before winter so the soil would be the richest it could be right before the snow
all around the garden would be peach trees and pecan trees and banana trees.
no tony what would you do if you could do anything, not buy anything.
i would be a fantastic photographer. but not one with a lot of equipment.
i would want to be known as the guy who has like three lenses and one camera, who never uses flash
but best of all, who never uses photoshop.
maybe my assistants behind my back touch things up but im off to the next thing.
i would go to school for it if i ever had any free time.
dont you know great photographers?
yes but i would never ask them.
but arent some of your friends great photographers?
yes but i would want to be – didnt you hear me – i would want to be the greatest photographer ever. which would mean that i would be better than they are. i dont wanna learn from them and then beat them. thats rude.
is that what happened with writing? did you learn from your friends and then beat them?
no. some of my friends are better writers than me.
but theyre not better bloggers.
ahahaha true. but only because they all grew up and got married and had kids and junk.
its basically impossible to be a good parent and an everyday blogger. you gotta pick one.
and for some reason the future of america is more important than the http
would i leave LA? sure.
what would i miss?
all my friends,
this incredible weather.
jackie johnson.
good tacos.
good soul food.
my complete wreck room.
my little cats.
my landlord who never calls me back.
“traffic”
runyon
little joy, good luck, 4100, canters
hollywood blvd
rodney on the roq
grand central market
venice, santee alley, mr. ramen
the all you can eat section of dodger stadium
amoeba, the bowl, the greek, the roxy
don antonios, laurel canyon, the original tommys
jilada, kogi, the mondrian
melrose, crenshaw, ventura, isla vista, home, botegga louie, that ramen place in pass sass took me to.
midnight tacos, neptunes net, el compadre
the vista, hollywood forever, vegas, the ace, house of pies, prado
shortstop, tuk tuk thai, arclight, chez jay, natalee thai
guelaguetza
5 barbers no waiting, randys donuts, z pizza, angel city brewery
the cerritos library
huntington hospital, three clubs, blossom
and zuma
why i like to sit in the bleachers
one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better
in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above
in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house
other than those behind poles
and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers
i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there
in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).
at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but
at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.
at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.
in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.
theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE