and i dont remember exactly what we ended up doing but i remember that at the begining i was playing madden 2004 getting my ass kicked by the All Raiders and at the end of it was 24 hours later and i was bald (pictured). yes i have a lil mole.

somewhere in the middle of it she was cold so i turned on the space heater and brought the boom box in the room and she thought she had a minute or two for me to decide on the all important question of what cd i was going to put in there but ah-ha i fooled her and jumped her and we went at it in the silence so that the neighbors could hear everything.

and there was plenty to hear.

then we woke up in the middle of the night grinding and one thing i like about this girl is she doesnt know how to say no and she doesnt ever want to say no and she has never said no to me even though she has said no to pretty much every tommy hillfuckr across this great land but at 4am its just a tease and i told her maybe during the dawns early light and she remembered that and i put in miles’ aura and did what came unnaturally and she whispered that i was the man and i lived up to the hype

as always

and when the cd was over we finished and i got up and tossed out the jimmy hat and i looked in the mirror because i knew that it was gonna happen later today and we snuggled up and slept till one thirty.

ordered pizza watched roger & me did it again and then she said are you ready and i said yes but you cant laugh and she said why would i laugh and i said dont even be happy about it and she got the buzzers and dug in.

first with the #3 cover and then with no cover at all.

we put plastic down so we could recover the hair because she had a genius idea the other day and i might still go through with which is to auction the fro for charity and while she was shaving it off i watched shelby lynne and liz phair on the directv freeview and she asked me which charity i would give the money to.

i thought about the united negro college fund but then i remembered about the time i had to take a pretty blonde girl to the hollywood free clinic because a condom broke and we needed the morning after pill and the only place that didnt dick us around was the hollywood free clinic and i remember sitting in the waiting room with all the sad people of hollywood and how they didnt have many video tapes for the people to watch as they freaked out for all the various reasons that they were in the hollywood free clinic. and the blonde girl was freaking out so much that in the middle of her exam she had to come out to the waiting room to sit with me and she was so pale from fear and i held her hand and told her it was gonna be ok and there was a disney film in there and we watched it and i thought fuck disney and how they stole all the fairy tales and made them theirs. no creativity. no soul. fuck disney.

but everything worked out and now every time i go past the hollywood free clinic i put a movie through their mail slot and try to build to their video tape collection.

and before i knew it i was bald and the hottie was telling me how adorable i was and she took all these pictures and she begged me to smile but i was tired and drunk and tired and i always look like an idiot when i smile for the birdie.

then she had to go to a goth club and left me and i tried to work on lick but i was exhausted from all the lustin and i ate a cold slice of za and laid down in front of the tv and fell asleep and woke up during weekend vibe and then went over to splinkys site which if she deletes any of the good shit that shes written this weekend will be a crying shame cuz its super good.

and now im watching an old saturday night live during the era when eddie murphy, brad hall and that chick from seinfeld were on the cast and all the phones they are using have cords and my kids will probably never see a few things in their day: modems, phones with cords, and me with a fro.

cristina + brian + jaime

all he wanted was someone to love.

a cute little blonde girl maybe who would chat with him on the innernet and tell him nice little stories about her life and make him feel like a million bucks.

well josh got lucky, not only did he find this girl but she was super cute.

she sorta looked like madpony lauren, except her names Chelsey.

everything a guy could want.

she had a horse, hot girlfriends, a selfdeprecating sense of humor.

and mad web design skillz.

craziest thing though, not only does Chelsey have a horse, but her horse is named Bugsy just like Laurens!

what are the odds!

looks like lauren and has a horse named the same as laurens!

as ashley would say “twinsies!”

oh, josh, you lucky lucky dirty dog.

sheeeet.

then on top of it his girl Chelsey has a friend who looks just like lauren’s sister Kristin pony, ‘cept she spells it Kristen.

and whats super dooper crazy is Chelsey has a different friend who looks like Kristin, except her name is Tiffany.

and if that wasnt enough, she even has a friend who looks like Kristin whose name is Melanie.

God i love the innnernet.

first we were all lucky enough to get introduced to the madpony girls, and now, lo and behold, out here in california theres a girl who looks just like Lauren and has three friends who all look like Kristin!

i showed my friends Chelsey’s hometown-aol webpage and they all said it was fake

i was all, fake?

they said yeah dude, look at that picture that she says was taken at Payless.

i said, yeah…?

they said Payless doesnt have no fuckin pajamas in it!

i was crushed.

they i was crushed about what josh would think!

so i went back to her webpage and found her aol screenname and i decided id get down to the bottom of it.

me: i have a quick question for you

Piink Lava: i dont want to talk to u i dont know u

one thing ive learned in the xbi, when trying to convince people to do things with you, begin by agreeing with them

me: i dont know you either

Piink Lava: ok then wut do u want???

me: does Josh know that you’re not the girl in the pics?

Piink Lava: sorry but i am the girl i the pics i have sign pics and baby pics to prove now leave me alone

Piink Lava signed off at 9:42:27 PM.

so there you have it.

proof!

there is not only another lauren, but shes younger, lives in cali, and has three hot friends who look like kristin.

and one of her pictures is nearly exactly like the madpony christmas card that they sent out to 100+ people this year.

i heart this country.

update: within minutes Chelsey took down “her” page out of shame of being exposed on the busblog, here’s a cached version of the main page and photo page and heres “her” image directory… maybe the girls just look like our madpony friends

chelsey’s original page: piink lava + fakerz do this to nay all the time

she lives in europe though so that makes me sad. mostly im happy though because she says the sweetest things to me. some so sweet its hard to believe.

she might be the princess of sweden, im not supposed to disclose that.

she showed off the other night with her tripod and her time lapse photography outside her castle and sent it to me.

i was all, hey, thats a lot different than all these other chicks who send me nude pics.

she was all, All of them?

i was all, no not all of them, just the ones who truly lust me.

she was all, well im not just any dumb girl.

and i said, pardon me missy, but these arent dumb girls, theyre great girls and theyre so into it that they get topless.

she was like, i thought you said they got nude.

i said, i meant topless.

she was like, well hell, i can get topless.

i was all, what are you ashamed of downtown?

she was like, nothing, im just not a ditzy slut.

i was all, yeah but how do i know youre not a dude.

she goes, fine. and then bam, nude picture of the princess of sweden. i mean of some eurobabe.

glorious.

spectacular.

our chats get a little racy. apparently princesses, i mean eurogirls, get a little nervous about who they sexchat with and who they send nudes to, so she has had all these dirty things that shes wanted to tell someone for a long time and i got to be the lucky recipient.

so i would tell her naturally, that she was turning me on, and she would tell me that she didnt believe me.

so i told her that i would count every time i became aroused.

she said, please dont put this on your blog or you’ll never get a job with the dnc.

i was all, dont worry baby, those fools arent gonna give me two million bucks to save their party, theyve given up entirely. they dont even try any more.

she asked, is it really that bad?

i was all, sadly, i think it is that bad. theyre writing haikus, baby.

she said, fuck.

i said, theyre a shade away from the green party with that shit.

she said, i just got some new knickers.

i said 7

she said whats that

i said every time you get me riled up, so to speak, im going to count. i told you that.

then she told me this story.

8

then she told me what she was wearing.

9

then she told me she lusted me

10

then she told me what swedish girls do on the long dark winter nights while they were talking to american guys via the wonders of the innernet and i told her i didnt have any more fingers to count on.

so she made me a little movie on her little camera and i told her i wanted to marry her.

and she said ok.

but i was serious.

gorilla mask + the ward + beautiful mistake

i hope she knows it’s a date, cuz im treating it like a date.

she better think its a date, cuz i want to go on a date with her.

a real date.

flowers, wine, movies, ruffies.

it was all through friendster. i sent her a message. i said, hey let me take you on a date.

she said, i would really like that.

i said, great, how about this day, she said, maybe but this day would be better.

that day was friday, universally known as hot date night.

and since shes a hot girl and im a… guy, that means she must know that this is a hot date.

as in dont make any plans with anyone else that night night.

as in wear something sultry night, cuz i will.

as in be prepared to get liquored up real good cuz at some point i will be asking to investigate tan lines.

and unlike the santa monica police force, im a thorough examiner.

i hope this girl wants it to be a date.

dates are great.

if youre reading this hot babe: lets have a date.

be nice. i’ll be nice.

first person who isnt nice has to take off their top and kiss me.

a good kiss too.

none of that phoney baloney air kisses.

fuck i hope its a real date.

sublog + sk smith + vacant

hi tony, but i am sorry to say excuse me please but i am miss serbia and montenegro

you’re so damn hot that you won miss serbia and miss montenegro?

no, i am simply representing both countries.

your name is Sanja, which rhymes with mange, which means eat?

i dont understand the question.

did you like the Matrix, miss serbia?

i liked the original matrix, but not so much the second one, but then i saw it again and liked it much better, yes.

do you like italian men?

no. i like french men.

i believe this interview is over.

and pale skin african american men.

suddenly we have a little more time.

and men named tony.

do you like my little paunch?

may i touch it? yes, i like it, and it is little.

ok, thats not my paunch.

what’s that? shazam!

is that a good shazam or a bad shazam?

shazams are never bad, tony.

what’s life like in serbia and montenegro?

war-torn, rugged, spectacular, unforgetable.

so youre saying if i would propose to you right now and make you an american you would do it in a second?

in a heartbeat, belly boy.

how do you say goodbye and thank you for holding me during this whole interview in serbian.

i like to say it with a kiss.

moxie + fragrant + sk smith

educated, funny, well spoken, perfect body, perfect lips, very little makeup, just a hint of perfume,

couldn’t figure out what brand.

hottest cab driver i had ever had the pleasure

thought for a moment that it might be a set up.

after a minute didn’t care if it was.

“what do you like in a woman?” she asked after i gave her my address and she raised an eyebrow. the bars had closed hours ago, even the rats had called it a night. street cleaners were waking the bums.

false dawn brought out premature chirps from the sparrows in the palm trees and the traffic lights just flashed red black red black

red.

“me.”

the streets were wet and shiny like a movie directed by that guy who did top gun. so many people take the freeways in la at all hours, why wasn’t anyone on vermont i thought and then couldn’t think, the whole thing was spinning, and not in a good way.

i could feel every bump and there were bunch.

popped some tylenol. didn’t have anything to wash it down with, didn’t matter, the saliva was filling my throat.

the wet carpet was being rolled out for the puke, but i just had some mighty good steaks that i wasn’t about to revisit so i thought of better things.

ice cream.

one summer i was an icecream man in the suburbs of chicago.

i was in love with a girl named tracy degrazia.

her boyfriend was named george.

i realized i wasn’t thinking these thoughts but i was telling the beautiful cab driver.

i must be drunk, i don’t tell people the truth.

“what made you love her?”

it was love at first sight. first time that ever happened to me. we were on a bus going to iowa to visit a school out there where they only make you take one class a month. really small school. really long bus ride. really terrific girl.

smelled like baby powder.

mcdonalds drive thru claiming to be open twenty four hours made me curious. perhaps one of those new fancy shakes would help.

can i get you a cup of coffee, or a shake, i asked my cab driver.

i would love a cup of coffee.

do you really live where im taking you?

strangely the drive through was indeed open. the tylenol was kicking in. bless you tylenol three.

the lady spoke spanish. the cab driver goddess spoke spanish right back.

where did you learn that? i asked.

spain.

sometimes everything makes sense and then it all falls apart again like those bridges you make with folded notebook paper in sixth grade science class or how you can lift people by just using your fingers in a seance, or how a 757 can take off from a runway and fly through the friendly skies

and before i knew it i was barfing all over the bullhorn squawk box of the drive through laughing and messing up my green suede low top pumas whose swoosh had been made from the remnants of a leather gucci purse. guess you’d have to see it.

was handed a paper towel, wiped off, fell back in the cab.

laughed, god did i laugh.

pulled forward to the second window.

received my mcflurry.

somehow made it home, once again,

alone.

and since i was already in my pajamas bottoms and slippers it was fine with me. in the old days i would have been upset since i would have had cleaned up the pad or phoned the maid or tossed everything into a closet but my chick-esp was pretty accurate recently and the post-ponement was somewhat predictable.

plus part of being a hot chick is to double- and triple-book and canceling becomes part of daily conversations.

she was no amateur apologist either.

lately ive been using the fuck out of my george foreman grille. ive been getting chicken breasts at the corner meat market– one of the benefits to living in a city– and slicing the slimy meat into strips. pour a little chinese chicken sauce and basil and pepper on it while microwaving green beans and whole potatoes, and within ten minutes theres dinner, slackerboy.

the george foreman grill turns that meat into food in three minutes.

because my carpel tunnel is slowly going away, but still there, i decided to fire up the television and eat on the couch like a normal human being instead of placing the plate on a chair and eating from it while i typed on my computer in the closet. on the news, which i never watch, were politicians and citizens in droves protesting the SF court that splooged on itself yesterday with its unfortunate ruling.

not since 9/11 have i seen such bipartisan agreement on an issue and it made me happy.

one senator said that a judge who would believe that “under God” could convince a kid to Believe in God shouldnt be allowed to be a judge.

everyone was up in arms and suddenly quite religious. sure they were all dirty liars who would drive back to their virgina estates or dc condos and do any variety of very very dirty behavior, but our symbols are important to us, and their cush jobs are important to them, and all the Dans of the country are good for us, even though on this topic they are so very wrong.

but it’s all good, im wrong once in a while too.

drank a little more rum than the norm, talked to ashley and chris and jeanine and os and ali and so many other people on the phone and have i told you that i really dont like the phone? it’s true. what ever happened to all those beautiful promises of Virtual Reality? remember the huge sunglasses and wrist pad controller? that was so ’90s, isnt it like way past the year 2000 now?

wheres my virtual reality phone where i flip on my glasses and i can see these nice people and talk to them that way?

its 2003 and karisa calls me from her cell phone to mine and theres this 2 second delay even though we are only 3 miles away from each other.

wtf is up with that?

i know what it is, these companies are holding back on us.

just like jacklyn does to her suitors, just like hilldale does to the Lord,

just like I do to you.

70. wormtalk

71. orby

72. Telerama

bum rushed my back door as I was taking out the trash last night to my surprise. they had picnic baskets with tasty foods, thermoses full of tangy fruit drinks and wines, bales of hay and trick ropes for entertainment, and of course pom-poms and silly string and ecstasy and chewing gum.

there were so many of them that it was hard to get anyone’s names and im so bad at remembering one or two people’s names at a party that this amount was just ridiculous to even attempt so i just smiled and called everyone honey and sweetie and blondie and red. they called me sweetheat and turned down the lights, turned off the tv, turned off the computer, locked the doors and windows, took a wrench to the dripping shower and busted with the whippits.

life is a delicious waltz filled with clutzy gentlemen and the same old friut punch. it takes more, sometimes, than a squirt of lime to get the party started proper and if weren’t for the strands of pom poms on the floors and the snoring heaps of blankets snoozing on available floorspace, i would have thought it was all a dream this morning, but isnt everything a dream?

i left a note for the girls on the television wishing them a happy day and to ignore the mess and how to lock up the house but i was late for work and couldnt start the coffee. i hope they understood.

sometimes when youre late the busses and trains will help you out, but not this morning.

my arch enemy, this guy who i hate who rubs me the wrong way was at my bus stop. it’s sort of who Brad Pitt was to the guy in Fight Club, his alter-ego. this is my nerdy ego who reminds me of all the nerdy dorky dumb things in my personality that i try to ignore. he’s only at my busstop when im late. he is so creepy. so of course he was acting all creepy as i waited and waited in the brisk sun of todays wintery los angeles morn.

the bus arrived packed with late losers alike and we made it more packed. stuffed with humanity the bus rolled on and i wondered how much they paid off the guy to tell the supreme court that the LA bus system was ok and had enough vehicles despite being terribly short for years and years.

got off at the stop, walked the five-six blocks to the job and thought about Welch’s fine rememberance of the Daily Nexus and I hope all of you either have a Nexus in your past or are having one now or are about to have one, because it was a spectacular experience.

and just as i thought that, i saw a man naked from the shirt down crouching behind a row of bushes in front of an Office Depot right behind a bus stop bench. he was going number two, i believe. i wondered if he had tp. i wondered if people knew there would be human poop in the bushes as they waited for the number 21. i wondered if even this could dampen my fine spirits.

and i got on the elevator in my place of employment and i sat down at my cubicle and i fired up the machine and i began to type to you.

and i read an email that a young lady wrote to me about how she fantasized about anna and martina in the locker room after their match and my day had officially begun.