Tag Archives: trump

when Deuce Bigelow, male gigolo tells you youre doing it wrong

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im a fortunate son. i have never written a bad tweet, been misunderstood, or said anything dumb.

but yesterday, on MLK Day, former SNL guy Rob Schneider used his thumbs in a way that made us realize that he’d be nowhere without Adam Sandler.

Twitter is funny that way. it gives people this false sense of security.

“it’s only 140 characters, as long as i don’t call someone a nigger or a cunt, what could possibly go wrong?”

i think the president elect also gives people this weird boost of confidence.

we see him bumbling and stumbling and stepping into all sorts of landmines, but it never affects him.

he just keeps slouching towards bethlehem

in that stupid hat

with those tiny hands.

people think, if Trump can get away with murder, maybe we all can.

maybe the deflector shields are down for everyone.

no. no. it’s just a big chunk of america who needs to be reminded every 10 years or so

that the GOP are liars and thieves who only care about one thing: how much cash can they grab while on this planet

and while they are currently drunk with power, that idiocy is contageous

thus Rob Schneider figures he could tweet at a man who marched next to Dr. King

back when Deuce was laying deuces in his diaper.

this too will pass.

like a kidney stone.

on a never ending winter night in Memphis.

are we going to die? yes. is it ok? yes.

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for here is what happens when you die:

if you werent a total jerk to people

you get to fly

theres pie

you have the most incredible body ever

but people know you because of your heart.

like the shade of color it is

how strong it pumps

what some of your interesting veins look like

if it knows any jokes

what sort of beer it brews

how much it really cares about the less fortunate

and of course, if it believes a woman has the right to decide what happens with her body.

you’re really good at skateboarding in heaven

and skiing and surfing

and the water is always warm

and your soda never loses its carbonation.

 

to eat, they make you star in musicals, but you kick ass at singing and dancing

and you remember all of your lines always.

afterwards you have to kiss your way out to the alley

where theres a limo waiting

made of pizza

today Trump whined that the US doesn’t have enough nukes

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The weird thing about humans, and this goes all the way back to the Biblical times, is some of us want a Strong Daddy figure as King. The Bible has an entire book about it. It’s called Kings. God was all, why do you want a fucking king? I’m the King of all Kings. But the Jews were like, “but everyone else has a king.” So God went, “fine, you want a stupid king, oh you’ll get some kings.” And some of the kings were completely awful and some were pretty good.

Eventually Jesus came around: their actual king. Except he didn’t act like one. He lived extremely modestly, he preached in the temples and on the hilltops. He hung out with the sick and healed them. He felt best when he was around what is now known as “low energy” people. He preached about having faith and helping the poor. He rejected money as being something that was ridiculous and the opposite of Heavenly.

Then 2,000+ years later, people who swore they were Christians, voted for a king who had the opposite values of Jesus, who never talked about the bible, who never talked about helping the poor, who never espoused the power of love and friendship and hope.

Because these so-called Christians secretly didn’t want some other worldly hippie peace-nic. They wanted a Strong Daddy. Even though their previous leader actually was strong. Even though nothing bad happened to them when a truly intelligent Christian was in charge. Even though they knew this Strong Daddy was probably full of shit.

They didn’t care. And it will be interesting to see when they will care.

looks like trump is gonna be our president

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which means its curtains for all of us.

last night i finished reading the Bible for the fourth time.

revelations went faster than i expected.

it’s a spectacular way to end a book thats for sure.

but it doesnt really instill a lot of hope to the gentle reader.

this weekend i saw two movies: Star Wars and Passengers.

Star Wars was the best movie i have seen so far this year. Passengers was full of holes.

like America is gonna be after four years of this imbecile and his GOP yes men who literally have no compassion for the world, the environment, womens rights, gay rights, minority rights, immigration, the poor, or any of the things Jesus told us to shepard over.

on top of that we are all going to die in a terrible way.

it’ll be worse than when baseball allowed the designated hitter

or when AIDS was ignored by Reagan

or when Bush read My Pet Goat after hearing about the Twin Towers

im very sad and i dont even know if all the ginger ale and italian food in china could cheer me up.

Star Wars did cheer me up though because it kept it real. it didnt pander.

i will never pander to you. even now in these last days.

i have always loved you and this is the way we should show it to each other.

she sent me some nudes as i drove around town

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trumpome. 50. bald. fat. dumb. incoherent.

a blogger.

shes full of gorgeousness. blonde. free. happy. sassy.

im all, im trying to drive over here.

she sends another and im like hey im trying to be sad over here. worlds ending.

above i can hear the helicopters hover really high above downtown LA. they gotta be news copters because theyre just up there treading water so gracefully. except its air. thick with sorrow. heavy with heaviness.

im sure she cares but instead asks me to take a picture of my junk. i do a search for a black male porn star from the 80s, all it shows is his legs and his massive moneymaker. i copy it, send it to her.

she says whos floor is that? thats not yours! what whores house you at?!

she better be kidding. no one owns me. i sure as hell dont own her.

if i did, shed be out driving in south central.

and id be up in chopper one

looking down.

trying to figure out how to stop the inevitable.

last night, the first night of president elect Pussy Grabber, the people marched

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day 1they marched in Seattle and Portland and New York City and Chicago

and Oakland and Frisco and when they took to the streets in LA they took the most important street, the Hollywood Freeway.

they held signs that said Fuck Trump and Not My President

but my favorite was one that simply said NO

because that’s what i said when i heard the first result Tuesday evening.

No, not like how you feel when you drop your triple scoop ice cream to the ground accidentally when you’re 10 years old

but how you feel when the richest guy on tv slaps that ice cream from your hand

and millions of your countrymen and women applaud.

the cops were no match for the protesters in NY and LA because there were far too many pissed off Americans. this is a president who has no clue and doesn’t want a clue. for every lie from Hillary, Trump lied 20 times. But his supporters don’t care and they’ll tell you they don’t care. seemingly what they care about is Them and only Them. and by Them i mean people who look like Them who didn’t feel that the previous president was them.

but how was Barack Hussein Obama, a half black half white kid raised by his mom who got a scholarship to Harvard and then worked the mean streets of the South Side of Chicago not them? was he too smart? is that why they relate to Trump? did they feel intimidated by the Community Organizer? or did they feel uptight that America didn’t need a full white guy to fix the place?

first a black and then a woman? was that the white man’s fear? were they afraid that this would be the beginning of the phasing out of the Bro Culture?

we don’t know because they lied to the pollsters, they lie to the press, and when asked now why they voted for the man with zero experience, all they say is Because He’s Going to Make America Great Again.

when George W was reelected this blog turned its header black. i was just as confused then as i am now. back then i wondered how people who saw four years of 9/11 and its pathetic aftermath could reelect an imbecile liar who mishandled pretty much everything that he touched. i was despondent, i was angry, i was confused, and i felt alienated from the country i loved.

but out of that suffering came Obama.

the Light.

they say sometimes you don’t appreciate things until it’s taken away.

the ironic thing about the millions who voted Trump is in a few years tens of millions will look back and say holy shit Obama was amazing and i took it for granted. i am so sorry.

yes you are sorry.

the bible tells me not to judge and to use my magical powers for love and beauty

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bowie and prince

i was trying to uber last night as the election results were pouring in and i was making some good money because lots of people wanted to watch with their friends.

but then i got super sad and nervous and i was near the In N Out next to Hollywood High standing in line for a double double fries and a chocolate shake

when a pretty girl started sexting me. i get worried about that business because even though i love to write and text and talk about those topics,

what happens if she gets pissed at me one day and publishes it online to embarrass me?

i will forever be a midwestern boy no matter my age.

but fuckit i said to myself, the worlds gonna end and at my age everyone knows im a red blooded american man.

Got home and curled up and watched the end of western civilization via Fox News. Even they couldnt believe it.

The scene was just as surreal watching the Trump Family and his acceptance speech last night

as it was watching the Cubs finally get their reward last week in Chicago.

so many people texted me. some were hard to talk with because it was such an emotional downer. but most were great to hear from.

i think three beautiful canadian girls proposed to me so i could move up there.

i asked one of them, your bf wont mind if i marry you? she said nah, hes a dope.

then this american girl said lets get married. worlds gonna end. i said fine but lets escape to Old Quebec.

she said why there?

i said i was there with a girl who wasnt in love with me which was sad because it was like the most romantic place ive been in this hemisphere.

she said, lets make new memories. how about Costa Rica?

i said is that in mexico she said no. i said fine. she said but you love mexicans. i said it sounds close to mexico, i can visit.

so i looked at it on the map and its near cuba sorta. if you have a boat. and why not have a boat if youre living in Costa Rica with a pretty girl with a floppy hat.

and those are the things you should think about

even if theyre just glorious fantasies

as the world melts down

and the devil smiles

from his podium.

missed my flight yesterday, thanks xbi

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me and benthe agency thought i could do something last minute on a saturday right before i was supposed to be jetting to the airport

and i was all, double, they were all, forget it. i was like syanarya. they were all thats not even how you spell it.

because i am toooooo nice for my own good i did it and got the greatest uber driver to take me to the airport andelay. super cool. i asked him where he is from he said, i am from mexico my friend. i said where?

and listen to this he told me he was nervous about trump. i said hes not gonna win. he said but im nervous and heres what im thinking, so he deports us. good. maybe thats the best thing to make mexico strong. maybe the mexicans like me in the US work hard. maybe we are smarter. maybe we have learned english. maybe we have learned skills here. maybe if we bring it all back to mexico in large amounts. maybe we can kick out the criminals who run so many things in mexico and maybe we can make it a great country. a strong country.

i said, a better version of canada?

he said, our food and weather are already better.

and then we talked about tacos for the rest of the ride. being from Michoacán he was all about the carnitas. i was all, how long have you been in LA? he said, 12 years. i was all wheres the best carnitas in LA? he said, in my belly, thanks to my wife.

mark johnson has been crashing with me. today he wanted breakfast, so i called up emilo and said we’ll be in DTLA in 25 minutes. we all met and went over to Cliftons which has great breakfast and who knew it, a jazz band. dude played flute, clarinet, sax. really good jazz too. then we wanted a beer to wash it all down so we went to the former LA Brewing Co. which is now Beirgarten LA. and who do we run into, Mr. Ben Sullivan and his fiancee and her amigos.

as Dov would say, “that’s Los Angeles.”

nothing in here is true

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thanks mrs obamait is human nature to mimic

it’s how we learn.

it’s also human nature to lie when we are caught in an embarrassing situation.

but the best part about being a human

is to appreciate the importance of

not

doing the things that little kids do

like lie, and steal, and cheat.

it’s called maturing.

it’s called evolving.

it’s called growing.

when MLK was being called names and getting things thrown at him, don’t you think his first instinct was to lash back

don’t you think an orator as skilled as he could have replied to the ignorant slurs with some choice comebacks of his own?

instead he did what the racists never thought he’d do, he forgave them, he embraced them, he showed them love

when we think about who should lead the biggest, strongest nation that ever existed

do we really want someone who hasn’t really matured?

i do, because i am a whore for free entertainment

and i believe that when we die we will go to heaven.

(he will kill us all.)