when the bad guys just lay on the curb waiting to die, as blood drains between the grates in the sewers and the little kids cry

i sit on the bumper of the undercover smoking the remains of marlboro 100 and i wonder when mi vida loca will be over and not so loca.

im always feeling like im wasting my life, like im blowing some great shot at something big. i see those guys at google, how young they are, how super rica theyre about to be. i wonder what they will do with that power.

if i was a billionaire i know straight up what id do after buying the cubs and tearing down the lights of wrigley. i’d fucking retire. i wouldnt do shit. and i know thats why the lord hasnt given me my financial freedom.

i watch the olympics and i see everyone swimming and i wanna swim. i wanna go to greece where no one is. and i wanna do the breast stroke. i wanna lose to puerto rico.

i see kids coming home from school and i say hey why are you in school its august and the kid goes si and i go but porque and he goes year round school mister and i go when the fuck did i become a mister.

and i see my belly and i know the answer to that one.

and the gray nostril hairs and the gray nut hairs and the gray chest hairs.

sometimes i wonder what this blog be like if i had gotten a job with the la times back when they shoulda hired me when i was coming straight outta compton. i wonder if i would be playing the dumb game of trying to prove that the president is a fucking retard to a group of people who will never admit that the president is a fucking retard.

ever.

the same people who are all, but kerry thought he was in cambodia and he was still in Nam! but kerry took his purple hearts and threw them away. but kerry is a flip flopper.

first flip flopper i ever met was your momma i wanna tell em. she was laying there on my water bed smiling and i said flip that ass over so i can see it.

yeah im glad i was never an la timeser cuz i wouldnt be able to keep it real for your asses and even the naysayers want me to keep it real.

splinky asked me about danielle and i was all, shes just a girl who i work with, and i danielle read it and huffed off in a huff.

i saw her at the flowerstand during lunch and i was all youre the wrong sign baby. and she violently ripped the leaves from the stems of the tulips.

1908 she kept mumbling. i was all what? she said louder nine teen ooooooooh eight! cuz she knew that was the only way she could get to me.

i was all keep it up, its one reason i hate san diego and hope it burns in a terrible fire and then causes an earthquake slash tsunami and falls into the ocean.

she was all what does 1908 have to do with san diego. i was all san diego in 1984 got in the way of the cubs and for that i will never forgive them until they apologize like crazy.

she was all, youre loco. i was all so.

then we took pictures and she said ok are we cool then. and i said yeah. and she said are you gonna visit me down in the valley. and i was all no. and she was all are you gonna visit me. and i was all maybe. and she was all are you going to be my friend and take the train and visit me. and i said can we go to mexico and she said si.

so i said si too.

keeping it real + sanity adrift

she will call my cell phone, when i dont pick that up she calls me in Chopper One, something ive asked her not to do as, well, we’re fighting crime. thats what we do.

some of us work for a living, ive been known to tell her.

some of us dont sit on a stool selling flowers to cheating husbands and begging wanna-be boyfriends.

all the conversations that take place on my cell phone or in chopper one are recorded, so i could verify them with written transcripts, but i wont bore you with the details.

so today i told her that i was going to be at my favorite hideout later in the day and that i would take her there for lunch, and if she was good, for the hip hop that will take place there in the eve, as they are having their summer party.

but because she is a drama queen and because everything is either boring as fuck or the end of the world, today when she called me frantically in my cockpit i thought something was tragically wrong at the flower stand.

oh my god, she told me, my mac wont be delivered till next week!

tragedies of tragedies i told her, which didnt sit well with our overly excited blonde girl from jersey.

you dont understand tony, i wont BE HERE next week.

once again overstating the obvious.

i was all, danielle, i can get you your computer, just chill out, im working right now, i will call you before i leave to pick you up for lunch.

to which she said FINE! and hung up on me.

on me!

little did she know but i was flying about a mile above and to the west of her.

i could have very easilly dropped something very irritable on top of her cute little flower stand that would have destroyed the loveliness in seconds, and done much damage to her beatiful locks.

earlier in the day when i told her that flagrant had emailed me and asked about her, danielle was super excited.

what did she say what did she say?!?!? she asked.

i dont remember, i think she said you were pretty.

i bet she said i was fat, she pouted. danielle hadnt gotten her coffee yet.

no, i very clearly know that she didnt say you were fat.

im very happy i wasn’t born a girl.

the prettiest ones seem to have the scariest things running through their cute little heads.

obey pedro + the cub reporter + sk smith