today is the official bruce springsteen hype day

Bruce Springsteen and for that i reluctantly jump on the bandwagon because i love bruce, even now as he is losing his magic.

bruce hasn’t released a complete album since 1984s “born in the usa,” but it’s cool. even that record was produced so poppy and sappy that i cant even really listen to much of it, and i don’t know the last time i played it all the way through. fortunaely super strong songs like “im on fire” “bobby jean” and “no surrender” still hold up big time for me and remain classics. and i would love it if he would rerecord “dancing in the dark” darkly.

and even though its so cliche to say, what i really love is his older stuff like “darkness on the edge of town” and “nebraska”.

“born to run” is almost like staring into the sun, tunes like “jungleland” and “meeting across the river” are a little too much nowadays, but “shes the one” and “backstreets” still give me a chill.

and “thunder road” remains one of the few songs that ive happily committed to memory after long drives on the freeway in the dark singing to myself.

“a screen door slams, mary’s dress waves… and like a vision she dances across the porch as a radio plays… roy orbison singing for the lonely.. hey that’s me and i want you only…”

“the river” is the first record that got me into the boss. i was a kid listening to the rock and roll station when he released that one to much hype and i heard “point blank” on the fm and it nearly blew my mind. this was when songs like “another one bites the dust” was being played when billy squire’s “stroke me” wasn’t on. so when hilburn goes on and on about the gritty stark production of the river, he forgets that bare bones was in. springsteen had the hard core lyrics and earnest delivery. huge difference.

“greetings” and “the wild, the innocent, and the e street shuffle” are gems that i keep in a special place. totally fun, happy records that i never tire of.

post-born in the usa the only record that i really liked was “live 75-85” which did a decent job of capturing the live shows, which, of course, are impossible to bottle. a friend of mine once said that seeing springsteen was like going to a really great baseball game. its big, loud, everyone’s happy, and you don’t need a scorecard to recognize all the players.

later she would say that seeing U2 was like going to a great church.

lately springsteen’s shows have been a little too much like church: somber, forced, ritualized, predictable, fewer and fewer spontaneous miracles, little cleansing after the service, attendance because we “should” not because we’re dying to.

but the boss is back with his old band. he’s back with his wife, his pals, his fans, and all the hype that he deserves. he’s an american icon, like it or not. he’s been the poet laureate of rock who keeps getting his ass kicked by the poet laureate of folk.

in a perfect world, bruce would ask me to produce his new record and i would say, first thing i want you to do is throw out any song that john cougar or tom petty could do better than you. next thing i want you to do is write this next record like its your last record, and not in a sentimental way, but in a way that will resonate for generations to come. live up to the hype, bro. bring back the passion of “mean streets” the fun of “rosalita” and the passion of “im on fire”. i’ll let you do one folk tune, but it’s got to be as good as “johnny 99” or “atlantic city” but lots of people have to die in the song and it has to be set in the old west.

i want to hear clarence blow the horn, not doodle. i want him to compete against the guitars, not provide ambience. i want to hear nils do a guitar solo that makes me think, ok, that’s why you have four guitars on stage. i want to feel the might of the mighty max weinberg. i want to hear a song that i will be forced to memorize again.

these are the demands, i am sure, that weigh heavy on the shoulders of the patron saint of asbury park, but i wouldn’t ask these things if i didn’t think he was capable of achieving them.

wanna see the bruce springsteen that i think of when i had his poster over my bed for 10 years? go rent “no nukes” and watch how he played guitar on his back atop the grand piano. i know he’s older now. but he’s not aged. neil young sure as hell proves that you can rock with gray in your hair.

rarely do i buy cds any more from the store, but today i will buy the rising, and im sure i will be disappointed and im sure that i will not want to hear the stories of the tragedy of 9/11 that bruce allegedly based a lot of this new material around.

but it’s cool. the boss doesn’t need my $15 but he deserves it. and any time he puts out new music i’ll be right there searching for even a nugget of those magically rocking past glory days.

celebrating: the engagement of coulter and heather.

i get interview requests all the time

usually i turn them down. i ain’t got nothing to say.

sean penn, though wanted to interview me for Bikini.

i said, isn’t that magazine kaput? he said, might be, i don’t know. anyway, how you doing?

shitty.

really?

no, not really. i just had a good lunch with my boss’s boss. really inspiring.

name some of my movies that you liked. sean penn asked.

shit, man. i like most of your movies. racing with the moon, bad boys, fast times, colors, even that one that you directed, the one with the guy from american beauty.

“hurlyburly.”

totally. loved that one.

ive been noticing that you’re not getting many comments? what’s up with that?

i really don’t know, sean. i guess people are busy.

people seem to be leaving notes for everyone else, like moxie and meesh and dawn.

well, they’re all hot babes.

vodka pundit gets tons of comments, so does lil green footballs.

doesn’t matter, sean. part of being your own thing is you cant compare yourself with the others. some talk about politics and discuss. i don’t really discuss with the readers here. i just write stuff down and hope they like it.

but dude, they’re not even buying you beers.

dawn flowed me a buck, that was nice. she shouldn’t have. she broke the rule that says no one who has met me can flow the buck, but its cool. shes a nice woman.

did you see her naked on her blog this weekend?

no, sean, i don’t look at naked women who are married.

none?

well, i try not to. in fact i wish that they’d label the porn at the video store so you’d know that none of the actresses are married.

it’s a sin to look at married women having sex and not unmarried women?

yeah, i think so. its sorta adultry in my warped mind.

ever do coke, tony?

no, im too hyper.

i think you shoulda done coke with meesh that night, bro.

sean, there was no coke there, meesh was just trying to be scandalous.

ever do an asian?

ive had sex with a couple asian young women. two, actually. one was chinese, one was half japanese.

how was it?

like i have to tell you, mr. shanghai surprise.

i was married then!

all women are unique and wonderful, sean penn, you know that. for example my friend carlisa and her sister and her friend just launched a new fashion line and—

karisa, i thought she was polish.

no, carlisa. different girl entirely, same dot com, but different girl. carlisa got a college scholarship to play hoops back in the day.

what’s their line called?

Pink Cookies.

get out.

i swear.

what do they sell?

airbrushed tshirts, cool stuff like that.

i don’t wear airbrushed tshirts, tony.

me neither, but they’re cool girls. i spent last halloween with em.

what did you dress up as?

an fbi agent.

you ass.

ha. yeah, i know.

rabbit’s been down for ten days: will today be her return?

feeling like a hundred bucks, exchanging good lucks

im feeling better now. someone approached me, i shamefully hid my powdered hands, and they said, “hey did you know theres a stick hanging out of your ass?”

and she pulled it out and whew, do i feel a bunch better.

how long could that thing have been in there? weeks, at least. here it is the middle of summer. im getting summer loving from all over this magical town. i get to watch julianne barbarie twice a day, howard stern, my house is clean, my body is clean. my hands are fucked but i can still type to you. all is good. all is good.

but still, fellas, you can buy me some beers, and ladies, you can email me your fantasies.

the american economy still has a stick up its ass, but no one on capital hill really wants it removed or they’d legalize pot.

simple as that.

those fuckers, i swear, they call me up at all hours all the time to solve their problems and it wouldn’t bother me so much if they’d only listen to what i have to tell them.

the other day this marketing company called me up. they have a client that makes underwear for teenage boys. they wanted to put together a survey that they could give the kids to figure out what they should call this line of underwear.

i said, kids don’t care what some madison avenue marketing yankoff calls the tidy whities, they just want them. they don’t even buy them! their moms buy their underwear! im ten thousand years old and my mom still buys my underwear and socks.

they said, tony, heres a bag of money, what questions should we ask these kids so we can find out what we cal the underwear that will have skateboards and footballs and cool stuff like that on the boxers?

i said, forget it. you guys just want to make work for yourself. ask me. i am eternally 15 years old. 15 year old boys, like the men that they grow up to, have lil nicknames for their lil fellas. name the undies accordingly.

in order to have a “hip” name, i told the marketing geniuses, you have to have equal parts hip-hop culture and suburban nerdiness. mixed together properly you have a crossover hit that, if funny, will appeal to the demographic you allegedly desire.

call the undies: Jimmy McSchwing’s. its a name that the kids will chuckle at, due to its subtle naughtiness. and the parents will ask for by name until they realize the harmless crudeness. but basically, the company who goes for it and has the courage will win. big time.

they claimed to understand. but i knew they didnt.

Schwing is what Mike Myers and Dana Carvey said on television on SNL when they were talking about a pretty girl.

Mc is simply funny when added to a funny word.

jimmy is what the hip hoppers call their schweens. “dont forget your jimmy hat” equals “dont forget your condom, friend.”

i could hear a lone pencil tapping on a shiny oak table in a meeting room.

so then i said, “and if you want to bring back the american economy you’d legalize weed, letting the american farmer finally have a legal cash crop that he could grow and sell at a reasonable profit.”

more silence.

“and if you really wanted people to come out to the baseball games, you’d have Snakehead fish races in between innings.”

your check will be in the mail, the yuppies announced, and turned me off the speakerphone.

permalinked: to my first Salon blog

im not in the best mood

normally i put on a happy face when i write in you, blog, but today i can’t fake it. and normally, i don’t fake it. normally i feel blessed with my situation here in the richest country in the world. normally i feel lucky to still have a job, and hot babes to date, and close friends to hang out with, and fancy electronics to entertain me.

but today none of those things seem to lift my spirits above crabby.

aaarrrrrrgggghhhh.

i never talk about my job here, but today i will. im terrible at my job and everyone knows it. there are all these rules and i cant get them straight. its the main reason the fbi kicked me out. i kept breaking the rules. i didn’t mean to break them, in fact i’d look at the huge book and find what im supposed to do, and then it turns out that im not really supposed to do that at all. fucking sucks.

this year ive been in the xbi is pretty much the same. i keep unintentionally screwing up and i keep thinking i’ll be transferred but it never happens. now im stuck because i have to make this huge proposal but i cant do it because my hands are fucked up.

typing, oddly, doesn’t hurt my hands, but using my mouse at home brings me to my knees in pain. now i have these blisters in my palms, its terrible.

want to depress a bachelor writer? put incredibly obvious blisters on his palms thanks to the super unattractive wrist braces supplied by the workers comp doctor. now i cant feel up the hotties or make photo essays of me and ashley’s weekend.

i don’t know what to do about these blisters, so i put athlete’s foot medicine on them. a few years ago me and chris went to cancun. we climbed the mayan pyramids. i was teasing chris about her fear of heights. it was rainy and slippery on the super steep pyramids so you had to put your hands on the stairs as you climbed them up and climbed them down. next day my oh-so-sensitive hands were covered in fungi. i put socks on my hands when i went to bed.

today i have this foot powder on them. i already look like a nerd. nothing i can do about that. now i look like ive been playing pool all night.

i need a new job. screw saving the world. the world doesn’t even want to be saved. i just want to write. even in the most uncomfortable moments of my life i have the urge to write. somewhere in there i think that some of this might be amusing or interesting or entertaining to someone. merely suffering to myself and keeping this bottled up does nothing for others. this might make you feel a little better about your lot.

tried to call ashley last night to tell her that i appreciated her visit and i was sorry about all the times i was a big idiot but she was on the other line with her true love.

downloaded some of the new springsteen last night. remind me never to get married. it totally kills your art.

the best rock music is a mating call, a lonely wolf howl in the night at the moon, a call to arms, a battle cry.

the sound of a middle age man treading water is what i heard from my computer last night and i ask you all, wheres rosalita? come sit by my fire.

heres how you can make me happy today if that is what you’d like to do.

fellas: put a few bucks into the tip jar. consider it buying me a beer, cuz for sure that’s what i wish i could have right now.

ladies: guest blog for my ass. any topic will do. tell me why i should keep watching sex in the city even though all the male characters (and their mothers) are idiots. tell me about your first kiss. tell me what a man should do on a perfect date. tell me what you’d do for me if we were on a first date. tell me what web sites you like and why.

me, im going to go back to the job and try to figure out these rules. i swear i try hard when i work. i swear!

and i also promise you that these sorts of downer posts will remain few and far between.

wishing: doc searls a happy 55th birthday!

one reason i wanted ashley to date boys her own age

is because eventually she would figure out that im a bit wacky and the last thing that i would want her to think is that all guys are like this.

if she was dating a guy 19-21, all they’d want from her is sex. simple.

i think it’s way easier for girls who are 20 to think that all guys ever want is sex.

when i was at the age where all i wanted was sex, i also wanted to be the manager of the chicago cubs. predictably i didn’t get either.

but now poor ashley (pictured, with Losty) has to figure out how to please a guy who has had his share of carnal pleasures, has heard all the best music that will be recorded, has seen all the freaky things that hollywood will ever deliver up, and has pretty much done everything that he has wanted to do…

for the slight exception of managing the cubs to a long overdue world series championship.

so how on earth can she please me?

often she says im never satisfied. and on many levels shes right. last night we rented my favorite movie of all time, the blues brothers, and like a trooper she sat through it with me.

ive gotta say that even though the movie was made before ashley was born, it held up well and she gave a few courtesy chuckles and asked when i wanted to go to bed.

i said, im not sleepy.

she said, who said anything about sleep.

today it was my turn to compromise. i had to listen to kroq all day waiting for the new no doubt single to play so ashley could call in to win a fabulous prize. how listening to kroq 106.7 for 8 hours equals watching john belushi and dan akyroyd for 2 hours is beyond me, but many things are these days, like what are hot twenty year olds doing still hanging out with me more than a year after she must have realized that i ain’t all that.

just past signal hill on the 405 this evening the magic song was played and ashley darted through my gym bag and found my cell phone and started dialing and redialing and after a few songs it became obvious that she was not the winner. once the contest was over, it became obvious that our sunday was pretty much ruined due to the fact that she couldn’t concentrate on anything other than winning the trip to australia.

still heading south to drop off the daisy princess, she turned to me and said, what can i do that would make you happy right now.

now one reason that ashley is still in heavy rotation is because when she says things like this, the skys the limit. and if you know me you know my sky is high and wide. a question like that could begin with miniature golf and end with nine holes of real golf and tons of other variants in between.

this evening i said, “just say something nice to me.”

she said, “im sore because your ungh’s so big.”

and trust me when i tell you that even writing down that beautiful lie still brings a smile to my face.

and once again, ashley has proven that i should stop worrying about her so much, because shes far more wise than anyone gives her credit for.

her answer, for the record, earned her a trip to jamba juice and a few rounds of mario cart in her living room.

blink 182 is on

it’s one of the only good songs that ive heard on kroq this morning.

i have stopped listening to pasadena’s world famous alt rock station, but they’re giving away a pair of tickets to see no doubt in sydney australia and ashley is convinced that she will win, despite all of the karmic signs that point to the opposite. she is making me suffer through the decade stale kroq playlist so she can win these tickets and take SOMEONE ELSE!

now the vines are on, no, i mean the strokes, no, actually its the fuckwhatstheir name? “im in love with a girl” white stripes. ok, why doesn’t kroq play something else from them? if they’re so cool why not play another song? instead they seem to want to make us hate the song they play it so much shoving it down, here consumer HERE!

red hot chili peppers is on now. “under the bridge.” why?

red hot chili peppers have a song on the radio right now that sounds just like this, and its new. the record came out like two weeks ago. why not play that one?

im nervous about their new record.

i hate the chili peppers’ records. i cant listen to them. nothing has ever caught that live sound that spastic frenzy funk metal explosion.

they were doing so good with “give it away” and then they start releasing all these damn ballads.

the intellectual heroin boy with his shirt off isnt who im looking to for philosophical love songs.

you wrote one good one, this one. now go back to rocking for me, please.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

By the Way

guest blogger:

kool keith

The air was crisp.

The rain from the previous night had cleared all the smog out of the Los Angeles basin, leaving behind a cool, clear morning.

Dark reached into his left jean pocket and withdrew the white and gold box of cigarettes. Marlboro Lights.

Rion Dark never smoked anything but Marlboro Lights anymore.

He reached into the pack and pulled out a smoke. Two more and then the lucky. Dark started to ponder what his wish would be when he smoked the last, lucky one in the pack. He lit the cigarette and breathed in deep.

Ah. The first hit was always the best.

Looking up, he noticed the tallest building in view.

It was a wide, gray building with the slogan “EQUITY” engraved across the top.

Equity.

The words on the building slowly began sliding across the face of the structure, gradually becoming a snake of letters, the “E” the head and the “Y” the tail.

The equity snake of LA’s Koreatown turned to face him.

“Hello, Rion,” said the Snake of Equity.

“Hello, Snake of Equity,” Dark replied. “What the fuck are you looking at?” That thing in his belly, the one that rumbled when he was really enjoying his

job, awoke from its slumber.

“You are evil, Dark. You are evil out of choice, as well. It is in your nature, yet you could easily overcome it. There is that strength in you.”

“I know, you fuck,” Dark spoke quietly, yet forcefully. It was the tone used when things were going to get a little ugly. Lets pause for a commercial break ladies and germs, because this fucking snake of equity, oh my God this is good acid.

The acid, the acid was creating the snake.

He hadn’t even realized it until then. The tab he’d taken earlier hadn’t really kicked in yet. Rion Dark wasn’t much for drugs, really. Except for cigarettes and acid. Well, he usually smoked a few bowls during his trips, and he did like to put a drink back every once in a while, but that was about the extent of it.

Dark had never decided which one he enjoyed more. Cigarettes were the constant ally, yet acid was the occasional oh so sweet, thank you darling once-a-month treat. On the first of every month, and here it was, December first thank you very much. Sometimes he had to delay his trip until the 2nd or 3rd, if there was some deadly serious business going on, which was actually quite often, but generally he was able to set up a solid day every 1st to just trip out and let his mind wander. His physical form usually followed.

He was quite a mobile tripper, probably from all the experience. He never drove on the stuff, unless he was truly out of the woods, but he liked to walk the streets, or ride around in taxicabs. Dark was a quiet, thoughtful, tripper. No one took much notice of him.

Equity. He’d have to look it up in the dictionary for an exact definition, but he knew it was a business term for assets. Meaning money. Somebody with a lot of equity was probably a pretty loaded bastard. A building with the word stamped across it had to have truckloads of cash lying around, he reasoned.

Dark would remember this building of equity, thank you very much.

Dark sat up from the stoop he’d been resting on and flicked his cigarette into the gutter. Enough fresh air, time to get back to the party, or what was left of it. The broads had mostly trickled away as the night went on, and it was down to the serious heads.

Fine by Rion Dark. He had enough women muddying up his world.

Suddenly he was thinking about the job he’d been working on yesterday. Old Nelly in the belly had really been a buzzin’ then. The guy had only been 5’3, bald, the prototypical little neurotic bookkeeper.

Dark loved watching courage and determination melt into desperation and fear, and all the myriad emotions in between. They had put little Edgar Bryant through hell last night, and really, they had only gotten started. The thought made him feel quite warm and fuzzy inside, and Dark didn’t know if that pleased or worried him.

At this point, he couldn’t care less. The intercom system at Mikey’s front door was smiling at him, the slats where sound came out bent into a shit-eating grin.

Rion hit the intercom’s left eye (button, dammit!) and was promptly buzzed up to the dim apartment, where bowls and play-station awaited.

stoked: that doc searls permalinked the busblog, thanks doc

took ashley to see austin powers

drove down sunset through west hollywood turned left at rodeo drive and then right on santa monica to century city.

some ass changed the name of the century city mall to westfield mall.

westfield mall?

the dot com that i worked at had its start in century city right there on avenue of the stars. we would eat lunch in the swanky outdoor mall every afternoon. that was in the summer of ’98. an eternity ago, to me.

it’s 840pm and two of the showings are sold out. somehow they create a 930pm show and we buy tickets and hang out in the bretannos where chris got drew barrymore’s autograph for ashley. she also got one for me.

ashley (not pictured) gets very excited when she realizes that drew was in the same place that she is at. very excited.

get popcorn, two large sodas and a bag of sour gummi bears. $15. back in 98 a week before i got the job at the dot com i had a date with a girl where i invited her to my house to drink the only coke that was in our fridge. $15 would have lasted me a week.

spill some of the popcorn at the door while trying to show the 36 year old usher my stub, he yells, tania! tania! i say, dont worry about it. he says, you dont want a new popcorn? no. no thanks.

as i get older i start falling asleep easier. eating, drinking, smoking, snacking, and holding ashleys hand in the theatre with a pleasant movie on made me very very drowsy. in a good way. “austin powers in goldmember” is a good solid movie. totally fun. very funny. sexy. predictable. a touch offensive. and head and shoulders better than 98% of what you can see at the movies nowadays.

mike myers is in top form. beyonce isnt bad, and mini me steals the show, again.

we take the ten home, stopping off at mcdonalds for an oreo mcflurry.

we get into the house.

turn on the slow jams.

turn off the kitchen light.


anna kournikova played some of the best tennis

of her life friday but still fell to #2 ranked Venus Williams friday night in the bank of the west classic in stanford, california.

the fiesty blonde twenty year old from moscow broke williams several times but could not master the nasty 117 mph serve from her competitor from compton and was defeated 6-3, 6-4.

she did, however win her quarter-finals doubles match and advances to the semi’s.

“i give all the credit to the loyal following of tonypierce and his bus blog,” kournikova was reported to have never said. “tony is a stud and i want to get on him in the worst way.”

because she lost, she has to remove some of her clothes, reports reported.

but because she won her doubles match she doesnt have to get nude, insiders say.

and thus sex saturday began.

five years ago matt and emmanuelle got married

matt and emmanuelle wedding

tons of people were there. it was in the middle of france in a summer vacation town called joncy. white cows walked right down the middle of the street speaking french.

first me and chris flew into amsterdam and decompressed there for a few days. everyone says that traveling to europe in the summer is so expensive and uncomfortable and crowded and terrible but in the middle of july all the dutch take their vacations and head to greece or the south of france or anaheim so my favorite european town was nearly empty and strange. it was raining a little too.

didn’t matter. if anything it made it better. even though our marriott had a pizza hut underneath it, it wasn’t what id consider amsterdamian, so i dont recommend it.

after a few days we took a train to my second favorite european town, paris. paris was cool. by the time we got there though the only restaurant open was one of those chic ones where you eat on the outside in front of the restaurant judging people who walk on the sidewalk. i think all they had left was lobster and shrimp and tasty wine and strawberries and chocolat mousee. after a romantic stroll free of parisians who were also in greece, we retreated to our filthy room with charming view and agreed that even the dirtiest of streets of paris are still much more magical than the best streets of the mission of frisco where we were living at the time, happily.

only scary part about paris was the fact that no one knew where joncy was.

it may have had to something to do with my special brand of french.

eventually we got on the tgv – the french bullet train. once again we found ourselves free of any bothersome europeans. and you may ask yourself, “why is tony so upset about our cousins to the east?”

i’ll tell you why, because as long as americans have been coming to europe we have been asking for cold cokes. if europeans wanted spit on their waffles, after a while we would just know to include spit on your waffles when you came over here.

give us cold cokes!

so we drank wine.

me and chris were drinking wine everywhere we went even on the train to mont pilleir or whatever the town was that dougie gyro and barney picked us up at, but we were pretty drunk when we showed up and we met up with our friends and tick tock it dont stop.

we were driven to grandma’s house, emmanuelle’s grandma. everyone has castles in this town. the white cows demanded it. grandma’s castle was pretty nice, but her barn was the best so we all slept there. it was hot in joncy and the windows were open and people were playing guitars and singing songs. all of my friends play and sing except me. i drink and smoke and fall asleep. aaaaahhhhh.

in the morning we walked into town. first we crammed into the mayor’s office. emmanuelle’s dad is the mayor. everyone was smiling and talking french and then the mayor said some things in english and pat whalen was the best man and he was laughing so i kept laughing.

then we all walked down the main street of joncy a beautiful parade. matt had on this crazy yellow jacket looking like buddy hollys cousin in law some guy was playing a violin, layne was playing the guitar. people were singing.

made it to the church and that was entirely in french and way better than most services that ive been to.

probably cuz it wasn’t full of lies.

after church we went to the pre reception drink off at a nearby school. only a few of us knew it was a drink off so i placed pretty high.

piled into cars and drove out of joncy to where the mayor lives. his castle was the best one. three stories, big, yet homey. in the backyard were several big tents where we would eat and drink and dance into the wee hours.

the camps were equally divided between emmanuelles euro friends and matts dirty american pals. the girls were beautiful intellects on both sides but the menfolk from matts side were decidedly scruffy and crude, like moi, especially with the neverending barrels of wine that grew from the trees of the countryside of west joncy.

layne kissed matts teenage sister. a fight broke out. it was settled with a highly entertaining breakdance battle. ken had to kiss matt. then everyone kissed everyone. then dougie gyro hijacked the wheels of steel and we danced til the dawns early light.

rode cows to grandmas castle barn, hit the hay, and have yet to wake from that beautiful dream.

tabloid: was there