meesh asked me to do the 100 things thing

and i like to oblige requests

1. born in washington dc

2. all Black

3. virgin till 21

4. first concert: jackson 5

5. second concert: ac/dc “back in black” tour

6. first car: cadillac sedan deville

7. tv always is on

8. c student

9. moved to california the day after hs graduation

10. very comfortable with public speaking

11. ghost stories at night terrify me

12. plays the lotto at least once a week

13. favorite tv station is E!

14. letterman over leno

15. conan over kilborn

16. tsar is my favorite band

17. been to europe three times

18. likes to eat liver

19. doesnt like to eat onions

20. once kissed 7 girls one night

21. telephone number starts out 666

22. favorite book is the Bible

23. always capitalizes God

24. always capitalizes Black

25. watches howard stern an hour a day

26. listens to howard stern an hour a day

27. doesnt really know mariah

28. award winning arts editor

29. award winning bass drummer

30. drinks a two liter of soda a day

31. wants not to belive in astrology but does

32. hates to dance

33. homebody

34. only saw nirvana play live once

35. favorite beer: sam adams

36. can eat chicken every day

37. falls asleep within minutes of going to bed

38. had the best sex of his life this year

39. has to write several times a day

40. loves christmas lights more than Christmas

41. cheap as hell

42. would never own a gun

43. subscribes to: playboy, jane, the onion, transworld skateboarding, us weekly and details.

44. likes rocky road icecream the best

45. likes pepperoni and sausage on pizza

46. once made a lot of money, doesnt any more, lives pretty much the same

47. has about 7,000 baseball cards

48. has about 150 video tapes

49. 20 friends live within 5 miles

50. lives next door to the largest church in hollywood

51. ok about being better than 85% of paid columnists

52. once jammed with rivers

53. met sonic youth backstage twice

54. interviewed kim deal in 1990

55. interviewed frank black in 1991

56. failed first driving test

57. kicked out of third grade for three days for throwing a snowball and hitting david richardson

58. david richardson and his brother mike ended up being pro soccer players

59. other favorite books: bukowski, notes of a dirty old man; jeff noon, vurt; lynda barry, cruddy

60. doesnt believe in luck, destiny, or karma

61. drinks whole milk in cereal

62. loves Big Brother, Survivor, the Osbournes, and the Anna Nicole Show

63. if i was a billionaire i would buy the chicago cubs

64. been to dodger stadium more than wrigley field 🙁

65. thinks oj didnt do it

66. calls mom every sunday

67. thinks george bush is a total loser

68. thinks bush should go to afghanistan to find osama

69. hates to know anything about a movie before going

70. loves chinese food and thai

71. has a maid

72. has never had a bad blind date

73. doesnt have a working dvd player

74. cant believe the money i’ve made off this blog

75. good cook

76. wants lots of kids

77. got isaac hayes to sign a baseball

78. has been to nearly every mall in california

79. loves twain, heminway, williams, and vonnegut

80. loves hot tubs

81. wants to go to Heaven

82. can function on 3-4 hours sleep very well

83. walter payton stopped his jeep to sign an autograph for me

84. isnt a very good handyman

85. hasnt had cable in 6 years

86. loves sexual tension

87. doesnt love fake boobs

88. favorite guitarist: angus young

89. needs meat with every meal

90. drinks oj or apple juice each morning

91. wishes everyone had a blog

92. loves pro football

93. prays every night

94. terrible memory

95. doesnt get jealous

96. likes to dive into work

97. loves people as in Loves

98. has very clean hands

99. thinks pete rose should be in the hall of fame

100. still loves The Simpsons

hi, tony here

im still on the super cali fragile istic sexy under cover like a mofo but i had to slip into this korean internet cafe to tell you a little about whats going through my mind right now.

there was a girl who i liked in highschool who was so cool. she had red hair and freckles and a big smile and was point guard for the girls basketball team and played volleyball and soccer and i really had a massive crush on her and i know that if i had gone for it my entire life would have changed maybe for the better.

i bring this up because one of the girls whose lives we are trying to save reminds me a lot of her.

now my girl was loved by the geeks, dweebs, losers, preps, jocks, sleezeballs, and burnouts alike because she had girlnextdoor looks – not too crazy, but everything in the right place – and emily post manners. she was sweet to everyone even me who loved to go one-on-one with her before practice in the good gym.

both point guards i would talk so much trash as she dribbled on me.

“red headed stepchild, girl at that, not even a woman. know why theres no pro women’s basketball teams? cuz even little boys could beat their … whoa.”

and she would drive right past me, lay up the ball, catch it when it got through the net, do three push ups and hand me the ball.

kicked my ass royally each and every time.

made me fall in love.

our senior year it looked like she had a pretty good chance to make it to the homecoming court. now i was a pretty popular guy myself so i figured that i probably could have gotten said yes to by her, but i never asked her, and just this afternoon i realized why i didn’t go for it.

she was too popular!

everyone loved her and everyone fell in love with her and i just didn’t want to be another guy who would wander the halls with her on my thoughts. even back then i was all uptight about being original or different or whatever it was that i didn’t really allow myself to just like the girl who i really liked.

the kids in school woulda called me retarded had they known.

so whats the lesson?

aint no lesson.

we all make mistakes, we all go through life alone, if i had asked her and fallen in love for all i know i woulda married her and stayed in hangover park, illinois across the street from my mom and my sister and i wouldn’t be chasing the bad guys down wilshire blvd on a hot afternoon in los angeles, like im about to.

nor would i be writing to you.

my favorite thing to do.

ok, i just had some of the best pound cake and even though i dont have to go, i should go, cuz if we end up sitting in that car for longer than i expect and i hafta poop my partner is gonna say, “i thought you took care of that on your break.”

and i’ll have to explain that i was busy reminiscing about the homecoming girl who got away.


p.s. tell me who’s gonna win this american idol thing, justin or kelly, thanks!

massive underground superspy double entendre

maniacal xbi double doings going on today. so this will be the only post of the day.

and i know i sound like the traveling salesman newlywed telling his dear wife that he really has to drive up to rhode island for this one big sales pitch, but i swear that i do. i promise that im not cheating on you. i promise that im not really holed up in some dingy Super 8 with a “dancer” named cheyenne who has a dragon tattoo from the back of her neck down her spine around her ass and down the back of her left leg, whose kisses are serpentine, whose nails dig and cut and slice, whose unsatiable appetite has turned her latest victim into a broken shell of a man only to be awaken with fresh squeezed apple juice as brown as her tan.

it sucks that my palm pilot is broken and i cant update from the road.

IT swears that they cant help me. it would have been nice if they had emailed me this morning to let me know. it would have been nice if i hadn’t had to SOS their boss first, it would have been nice if they would have accepted some of the unlicensed software that i could get my hands on in a matter of minutes, but no, life isn’t fair. it never has been.

today is my friend Charlie’s birthday.

charlie (pictured next to his latest sculpture “maui dream”) has had a long and storied career. he was editor & chief of the daily nexus, he was editor of Prognosis, he was teamed up with Layne on Tabloid, he was my roommate on haight street for a little while.

charlie lived in the purple house and now moved across the 2 into a property that will soon be the coolest bed and breakfast in all of echo park.

he has an incredible girlfriend and together they made one of the finest holiday dinners ive ever gorged on.

what else? he reads a lot, writes a lot. lived in texas for a while for no good reason. doesn’t have a blog for no good reason. hasn’t had to go into an office to earn his keep, which is a huge accomplishment, if youre scoring at home, and if youre scoring at home please use protection.

anyhow, today chuck turns 44. my doesn’t time fly. i don’t know if ive ever seen charlie naked, but i think ive seen him topless and i know why bonnie has stayed with him for so long.

because they love each other a lot.

so happy birthday charlie hornberger, friend who appeared on Rescue 911 and after they showed the clip of him stage diving off a 100 foot tree onto the swarming frisco new years eve union square crowd stunned host william shatner forcing him to quip, “fucking a man!”

fucking a, indeed,