welch hailed

welch hailed my car chase channel idea which is scary because that’s just the tip of the iceberg for that channel – i didn’t even get into the split screen, and drinking games for each time the perp breaks a law or bumps a car.

but the best idea i have for television is actually something that i hope Eric Neel or Welch have discussed in the last week or so (accept my apologies, i was buying jewels for my mom). but i want baseball to return to letting its division archrivals end the season by playing head-to-head games against each other.

by end, i mean schedule the Giants and Dodgers, Angels and A’s, Yankees and Red Sox, etc. to play the very last games of the season against themselves instead of this nonsense that’s going on right now.

not too long ago, i think right before Interleague began, you could always count on the Dodgers and the Giants playing against each other and one team playing spoiler against the other. Don’t you remember Joe Morgan hitting a homer for the Giants against the Dodgers to knock them out of playoff contention? That’s the stuff rivalries are all about. Think how wonderful these killer series’ that are going on right now would be if they were the last games of the year?

Don’t you remember the 78 Yankees and Red Sox and how they played against each other during the final run and it ended in a tie, and Bucky Dent hit a homer in Fenway? Isn’t that how it went?

Why would MLB want the Dodgers to end their season against the Padres? Sure they’re physically close, but there has never been a Dodger/Padre rivalry. The Giants/Dodgers thing has been going on since before Vin Scully– and that’s a long time, kids. Similarly, who thinks that the Mariners and Angels have any sort of rivalry?

College football always has the USC/UCLA, Oklahoma/Nebraska, Army/Navy matchup to conclude the regular season, and baseball had that too, until my old pal, Uncle Bill decided to tinker with the national pasttime again.

Best idea you’re going to read from this blog is the plea to the powers that be to bring back the final weeks of baseball to what they were: incredibly interesting.

In the meantime, feel free to use the comments section to tell me how smart i am and how much you’ve liked my blog the last few weeks.

was checking out last night’s conan

on comedy central while eating my chinese leftovers at my desk for lunch when my boss’s boss, this super dooper hot black woman who looks like a young whitney crossed with a younger vanessa williams, tapped me on the shoulder.

sonny, come with me. she ordered.

trailed her as she made her way to the elevators. everyone knows her. looked like everyone had some business with her.

“we never got that approval from IT,” someone shouted at her.

“tell em to call Phil.” she’d yell back.

“the houston guy says that he doesnt want to do it for under a thousand,” some complete babe smiled at her.

“tell him it’s three hundred or we’ll get it from mexico.”

i loved this woman. and she did it in heels!

we got on the elevator, she put her key in, turned it and pressed a button that ive pressed before. B2. second basement. property room. otherwise known as the evidence room. at the xbi we dont really have “evidence,” we dont really go to court as xbi agents. we just have stuff that we’ve collected over the years that we use to get either more stuff or people or use as bribes or blackmail, extortion, etc.

ding. door opened. she smiled at the two guys who opened the door for her. that led down a little hall with a thick door and a tiny window. we could hear a phone ring in there. then the door opened. two more guys opened the door and had us each sign a sheet that hadnt been signed in two days. names id never seen before. when i handed back the pen, i was given a pair of rubber gloves and i snickered.

“one joke, sonny, and these two gentlemen will hold you as i pummel you,” she said. thats when they snickered.

i thought to myself, “you dont have to have them hold me down, baby.”

“i heard that,” she said. and tapped her esp earpiece.

creeped out, i started humming “hot in herrre.” by nelly, bitch.

stepped into one of the many evidence rooms. was instructed not to touch anything, a beanie with a propellor on the top cuaght my eye and i put it on as i followed her down the aisle.

she turned around and i prentended everything was fine.

“take that off immediately, agent.” she said.

“take what off?”

“thats a Lying Hat.” she warned.

“then it’s worthless cuz ive never told a lie in my life.” i said.

and the propellor started to spin and a tiny toy monkey appeared from within the propellor’s center, did a little jig, and just as quickly, retreated back into the cap.

“im here to ask you your advice on this new item,” she said. i kept the cap on. i wanted her to love me.

“this,” she said, “is 2-minute Acid.”


“yes.” she said. “it works for two minutes and wears off.”

“i dont think theres any use for that.” i said.

my propellor spun and the monkey appeared and began breakdancing, finished with a headspin and sunk back into the cap.

“you’re going to wear out the batteries.” she said.

i took off the cap and she said, “no, no, no. leave it on. you look cute in it.”

so i left it on.

just in time for the new tv season

“Seasame Street” in South Africa has finally introduced the much-speculated muppet with HIV.

Kami is 5 years old, likes nature, telling stories and collecting stuff, and if things weren’t rough enough for her, SS South Africa has also found it important to make her an orphan.

“We are living in a society that is very stigmatizing and discriminatory,” said Musa Njoko, an AIDS activist, to the Miami Herald. The introduction of Kami “is going to create a culture of acceptance.”

and as cheesy as it sounds, if i had a little kid, i would give it a stuffed Kami. why not? i would hug Magic Johnson. hell, we should all be hugging Magic Johnson, that guy’s HIV just seemed to make him healthier. ive never seen a more healthy sick person in my life.

4.7 million South Africans – one in nine – are HIV-positive, more people than in any other country in the world.

more from the Miami Herald story:

At the unveiling, Kami, who has a mop of brown hair and wears a vest, wanders onto Sesame Street and wonders nervously if residents will want to play with her.

She needn’t have worried. The other Muppets enthusiastically welcome Kami.

Kami, whose name means acceptance in the Tswana language, will teach viewers about coping with illness and loss. The character will be introduced to South African audiences when the second season of “Takalani Sesame” begins Sept. 30.

let’s hope one in nine americans dont have to come down with HIV before we start to teach our children about safe sex and other ways to avoid contracting this serious disease.


Mellow Gold

Geffen Records


Alcohol on my hands

I got plans

To ditch myself and get outside

Dancing women

Throwing plates

Decapitating their laughing dates

Swirling chickens caught in flight

Out of focus

Much too bright

Coming down

Shiny teeth

Game show suckers trying to breath

But I got a drug and I got the bug

And I got something better than love

How you like me now

Pretty good

Going on, feeling strong

I quit my job blowing leaves

Telephone bills up my sleeves

Choking like a one man dustbowl

Freedom rock slimeball

Talking in code

We went down

Lit up the shack

Grab me a beer out of the sack

Everybody bent over twice

Painting the walls throwing some dice

Leaping up into the air getting juiced up beyond belief

And they were singing like this

Winos throwing Frisbees at the sun

Put my soul between a bun

Now I’m hungry now I’m drunk

Now I’m running like a flaming pig

Oh yeah

Scraping off the attitude

Old man eating all my food

Don’t be kind

Don’t be rude

Just shake your boots and let it all get loose

Oh yeah

My goodness

Fluffy clouds

Jumping rainbows

Fluffy clouds

I’m sad

Jumping rainbows

Asoft and snuggly place

Fluffy clouds

I’m sad and unhappy

Winos throwing Frisbees at the sun

Put my soul between a bun

Now I’m horny now I’m drunk

Now I’m running like a flaming pig

Oh yeah, I like it like that

Oh that is cold

Somebody put a flame-thrower on that

Oh my goodness

Take me down to the depot

Buddy put me down on the bus

Oh yeah

I like it like that

Somebody bring me a plate of sassafrass

ive had Directv for about 6-7 years now.

who counts these things. finally they sent me a thank you card and offered me a free pay-per-view if i filled out a survey online. it’s about time, i have total choice, the local channels, the football, baseball, and basketball package, and hbo. plus for a few years i had my own company that specialized in hooking up directv satelite dishes.

one pay-per-view movie? youre too kind.

but its cool. im addicted. i dont ask my heroin dealer for a few free grams. i dont ask my arms dealer for a free machine gun. i dont ask my senators to put free condoms in the shopping malls of california. i consume, i pay, im satisfied.

this weekend courtney love is, reportedly, going to spend 24 hours on MTV-2, one of my favorite channels. if i know MTV-2, they’ll let coutrney play anything she wants. just other day they had the Jay-Z unplugged concert on. i love that station. they had a Hives concert that was amazing. they let that fat tattooed punk rocker deliver the news, beautifully. it’s almost like they took everything good that MTV isnt doing and stuck it on the sister station.

there are some networks that i would like to see on my directv, if theres any billionaires out there looking to form a channel. i want a live car chase channel. in LA theres always car chases. they break into local programming and the cops always get their man, but its really entertaining.

i would want them to give us details about the neighborhoods that theyre speeding through, details about the car that theyre chasing. comedians could make jokes. the cross promotion and ad potentials are boundless. then when there arent any live chases, you could show us some classic ones. then when theres none of those, you could just feed in some survielence cam stuff. who doesnt like to people watch? thats all it is.

right now i would like to have a shot of venice beach. then in 5 minutes show me miami beach, then show me waikiki beach. then show me the mexican border. reality tv network. just make me vp in charge of programming and we’ll call it even.

i was late to work today because they were spreading a red carpet on hollywood blvd in front of Mann’s Chinese Theatre and all the busses freak out. youd think it would be simple enough to just cruise around the block, but no, they completely freak out and everyone was late.

i think today on reality carchase tv we could all watch the red carpet get laid out. i watch stupider stuff on tv.