the other night a bunch of us were laying around my house watching porn trying to figure out

if one of the girls was actually into it or not into it.

strangely this wasnt the first time in the last 45 days where i had friends over who asked me to whip out the porn, and the fact that this time there were some ladies in the house did not make it any more comfortable.

we were watching kelly o’dell in one of her films for vivid and she was totally getting into it in no time flat and one of the girls on the couch called bullshit and said no way could a girl get that turned on my a simple little touch and i was all, you need to get around honey.

then the conversation moved over to pheromones and i had never thought about those before, but two of the ladies went on about how if a man walks past them and smells good they will raise their eyebrows and check the man out as he passes and let their minds wander.

very interesting i thought.

one particular woman complained that i wasnt showing any porn with a story to it.

it was 4am.

i said that i had given all of my chick porns to my ex girlfriend.

the girl said she didnt believe me.

lately nobody has believed me about anything.

but my exgirlfriend came back from the kitchen with a tray of makers mark shots for each of us and backed me up, saying that i had left her with a tidy little cache of well made, nasty porn with decent stories.

then a third girl laying on the shag twirled her hair and said that she didnt like stories in porns unless they were fairytales.

then someone called out “alice in wonderland!”

then someone called out “sleeping beauty!!”

then the neighbor upstairs called out, “shut the fuck up!”

then we laughed.

then we drank.

then i put in snoop dogg’s girls gone wild and people gasped.

sometimes i wonder about what i should do with the way that i earn money and i think about what a great porn reviewer i could be, but then i think about how i would like to go to Heaven this time, but then i think about old men who spent their whole lives learning how to paint the mona lisa or some other classic on a stamp and i think that the good Lord isnt gonna throw those dudes into Hell for “wasting” their talent.

but then i think about what a great porn director i would be and then i think that i dont want to go to hell again.

and i sat there trying to be a good host to my guests, to my very good friends, and it was nearly 5am on a friday night/saturday morning and i thought how i could give a tribute to ed wood and borrow from his films but make them porns. and the best thing about any film is the gimmick. what i would do with my ed wood films is complete them in the same amount of days that he completed his.

and then i would burn for eternity.


like a sucka


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