lets start with the bad news.

bad news is, if you find yourself in a moment of sadness and you want to write about that feeling, people will start emailing and commenting with words of advice. which is super nice. dont get me wrong. but sometimes a guy just wants to write about how depressed he is, just to vent.

other bad news comes when the guy’s mom reads about how he wants to fling his black helicopter into the side of a mountain. it can be hard to explain to her that what he’s writing isnt literal, that its symbolic, dramatic. its not a cry for help. its just representative of wanting the madness to end. it’s far from suicidal.

people dont realize it, but there is a certain freedom to not having a lot of readers. you can write whatever you want and people wont pay attention and/or freak out. with that freedom comes room to grow. if you want to dwell on the theme of misery for a week or two, you can. if you’re lucky you’ll end up writing a morrissey cd. if youre really lucky you’ll end up writing a cure cd.

im not a sad person, but i can get sad. im definitely not a pessimist, but sometimes i will pay a little more attention to the devil part of my brain that whispers that everything is not going to be ok. and for some crazy reason, sometimes listening to that part will fuel parts of my personality that can write some pretty interesting sad stuff.

and once that is written i become happy and everythings cool beans.

i will never be elliott smith, america.

i will never take a knife and put it into my heart in one motion and die on a floor in east hollywood.

i am a devout Christian. im a minister. the good book says you dont get to go to the good place if you ace yourself.

but i am a normal person and sometimes i get depressed. especially when the cubs lose in the playoffs when theyre up 3 games to 1 with the last two games to be played at wrigley. and i can totally get depressed when i look around at my place of employment and see my alleged talents being taken for granted day after day, year after year.

with that lets talk about the good news of having more than a dozen readers to your blog on a day that youre depressed.

of course the comments are sweet, and thats nice, but i feel guilty, but its still nice.

but then the random stuff happens like you shouldnt be surprised if a new girl, a great girl, asks you if youve ever used NetMeeting. and you say, sorta but not really, and she shows you how to use it, and you get it going and she invites you to see her cam

and there she is

and shes in a robe

and you go, uh

and she goes theres no reason to be sad today tony

and then she removes the robe and dances around a little.

then she says that she would like to call me.

and then i let her call me.

and there she is on the screen in the net meeting window, on her cam, naked little skinny girl, sweet ass, perky bod, shockingly platinum blonde, oh and whats that, boots. she does have some clothes on. boots.

she tells me that im her favorite blog and she hopes she has cheered me up.

and i say yes she has cheered me up.

and she says great is there anything else she can do for me.

and i say yes.

i ask her to marry me.

and she says of course she will marry me.

and that my friends is a true story and it happened last night.

so fuck the democratic national committee for not getting back to me. all i need apparently is the busblog.

thank you blogger.

mom finds out about blog + jim nichols + PlanetKevin

it’s this job. it’s killing me. when i first joined the xbi they said that it would wipe the smile from my face and it’s true.

wanted to slam chopper one into the side of the hollywood sign today. and just when i thought that i got called in cuz it’s raining here in LA, and as great as chopper one is, it fucks up in the rain. i dont know why. i used to care. i dont care anymore.

only problem with such a dramatic end is that the dumbass la times would call it terrorism, i wouldnt get to go to heaven cuz it was intentional, and worst of all it would be the end of the xbi cuz the wrong people would find out what we’re up to.

its not helping that im reading this kurt kobain book.

its not helping that every criminal and his fucking brother is in town right now for some reason.

doesnt matter how much crime we stop or prevent or fuck with. it doesnt matter how many asses we kick or heads we bash or miracles we create or shit we mop up, it never ends. wave after wave.

its like a toilet that keeps overflowing and it stinks and when youre done the lady says that we fucked up her carpet. its like what?

i cannot be in this job come january. thats my new years revolution. i’ll move to georgia if i have to. this place makes me sad and made and it makes me give up all hope.

people ask why i dont send out samples of my writing to newspapers or websites. and they forget that i have done that. ive even gone to lunch and had drinks with some of the biggest entertainment mags in the world. and guess what they reply with. zip.

we dont want your ass, tony.

ideally someone will read this blog, or the site, or an article– or their assistant will and they’ll say, fucking a boss, this is the guy, this is whats missing in all of our shit. and they’ll call me up and they’ll offer me something and it will get done.

thats why i send out these tongue-in-cheek posts to the planet. thats why i write these s-o-s’s to the world.

you are so fucked up if you are the one who has to chase them. so fucked up. they want you to be like everyone else. they want you to be like the associated press. im not like anyone, and im definitely not like the associated press.

how long would hendrix be able to play in the eagles? a day. two days? eagles fans would boo him. im getting my ass booed in the xbi. people like me, but some are like, huh?

they dont get it.

they say, how can you be a crimefighter and you dont want to kill anyone? how can you work for us and you dont want to steal from the thieves? how can you do this work and be a Christian?

and now im saying, shit, i dont know.

i would write for anyone. i would play rhythm guitar for the dumbass eagles with my prince sign o the times guitar and i would sit in the back and waste my life and play c-g-a like a bitch.

this job has made me appreciate sanity cuz there is none here.

its awful.

this chick wanted to netmeeting with me today and i had to say no cuz i was flying back in and she said how about tonight and i said ok and a different girl said i could do her tonight and how can you get those sorts of offers and still be so depressed you just want to take off your helmet and cry in it.

work at the xbi for a while and you will.

i promise.

310-990-7444 + tina + alecia

a sport so dull and pointless that only the fans are worth watching.

a game thats far more interesting when children are playing.

an activity that donkeys can enjoy, with more interesting strategy.

but i do like this idea of pulling down ones pants if youre upset at your boss or the referee.

78. mist

today i had to kill a spider.

he was in my shower.

i dont like to kill anything, which is ironic because at the xbi we have to kill all the time, and now they want to give me a promotion.

i had to kill this spider because he was in my shower and he couldnt get his way out and he kept slipping and i was all, shit man, and i just pointed the water at him and he struggled, and tried to find shelter on a rubber duckey, but then he balled up and got stuck next to a piece of soap and then the current got him and down he went into the drain.

if i hadnt been running late for my ride in to work, i might have picked him up and tossed him into the garden, but as i say i was late for my ride.

so another mta bus strike casualty.

fuckers.

i dont like killing things because i believe that life is a miracle, and the spider doesnt know that its my house. nor do the flies or the ants or the moths or the antelopes.

so usually i open the door and shoo them away.

and usually they tip their caps and never return.

so today i feel so bad about this spider, so i told ben, who has been driving me to work and back, that i will dedicate this blog entry to my little 8-legged dead visitor.

and ben said that it was a good idea

since most spiders who get dead at the hands of a shower dont get any props.

farewell, lil guy.

madpony + dc + kzug

230 hour tivo i forgot to get dave interviewing madonna tonight.

i was busy listening to the new corvids cd that happened to fall off the back of a truck and typing sweet nothings into little hot boxes of honeys who dont really know me.

i saw a few things written about me today on the innernet and its really nice, but if people want to parody me they cant forget about the love i have for my friends. its sick.

a bunch of them make up the corvids, the new sound of rock.

start off with the rhythm sextion of tsar

then get layne and welch in there.

then let axel shred.

simple really.

its real music, america. its what wilco keeps shooting at but misses beautifully.

its what ryan adams would be if he was better lookin and not so sad.

its what tom petty would be if he didnt have so much money and all that pressure of writing another breakdown.

on one of the songs my girl jeanine sings way in the back. she co wrote it. shes so great.

its what the stones would be like if they werent a hundred and if they still hadnt found what they were looking for.

whats so fucking weird about this record is its so smooth it could be on the radio right now and youd never know that it was recorded over the matter of a few weeks, but thats what you get when youre super tight friends whove been making music together since before the cotton gin.

and axel

damnit man.

i played a few tsar songs for this girl the other night before i sent her on her way for being too cute.

and she was all shit tony!

and im guessing its cuz tsar understands the importance of guitar solos.

fortunately so do the corvids.

which is polish for rock hats.

it makes me want to shoot up with ronnie wood and just stare at keith nodding

it makes me want to start a music video channel and then become a video director

it makes me want to steal i mean find a few more of these off the back of that truck and give them away as gifts.

too bad christmas aint any time soon.

too bad theyre not for sale nowhere.

too bad nobody likes good music no more.

too bad this thing’s so damn good.

pre order the corvids “fought down” + layne + welch

dumbme: our girlfriend

VeryNiceLips: 🙂

VeryNiceLips: do you think her lips are nicer than mine?

dumbme: i actually like questions like that

dumbme: some guys fall for them

VeryNiceLips: ha!

dumbme: as they are loaded questions

dumbme: trick questions some would say

VeryNiceLips: its not a trick question

dumbme: some guys would say, no baby, your lips have sucked my deal so well

dumbme: but theyre lying

VeryNiceLips: ewww!

dumbme: the lips didnt really do any sucking

dumbme: the inside of the mouth did the work

VeryNiceLips: but you kiss my lips??

dumbme: the lips were around for the ride

dumbme: ah ha

dumbme: but mostly we french

dumbme: so, again it is the tounge

VeryNiceLips: there is still plenty of lips involved

dumbme: not plenty

dumbme: some

dumbme: but not plenty

VeryNiceLips: hmmm

dumbme: the lips are advertising

dumbme: its the wrapper

VeryNiceLips: ha!

dumbme: its a fakeout

VeryNiceLips: well, we’ll see about that. I am taking this as a dare

dumbme: what sort of dare?

VeryNiceLips: i’ll prove to you that lips are more than just advertising

dumbme: how will you do that?

VeryNiceLips: i can’t tell you that, you might spread my secret to other girls via your little web site

dumbme: ah yes

dumbme: speaking of that, may i put this chat on my page?

VeryNiceLips: haha, sure

dumbme: i will name you, VeryNiceLips

dumbme: for yours truly are

dumbme: all kidding aside

VeryNiceLips: maybe tomorrow…or another day, you can post the results….thanks

to grace los angeles with their presence and they began the evening with the unbelievably dramatic Smart Boys. and let me tell you a little something about the best band in america when they start the fucking show with Smart Boys

when tsar opens with Smart Boys youre in for a hellride of rock.

and it built and it peaked and it ended oops it was a false ending and it ended oops another false ending and then it ended

and that was just Smart Boys

and then tsar opened up a can of whoop ass and destroyed everyone justlikethat.

im destroyed in a nice way.

this one girl likes me, i can tell. shes very shy though so she doesnt send me nudes. i think thats fine. she does chat with me a lot and when she does she likes to talk dirty.

i think thats fine too.

the other day she said, oooh tony, why dont you come over here and let me give you a back rub and then why dont you tie me up and then why dont you just fuck the hell out of me as hard as you possibly can.

tsar’s version of the back rub was Smart Boys.

they were inspired last night, america. i dont know why. they played song after song that they usually do as encores. they did two covers in a row right in the middle of the show the 1910 Fruitgum Co.’s “Goody Goody Gumdrops” and the Pooh Sticks’s “Sex Head.”

i think they played the entire second side of led zeppelins houses of the holy, im not sure, i was floored by the energy and power and majesty of the rock being pummelled into my very being.

all i know is i saw stars i felt footsteps i drank out of peer pressure and then i was driven home by a pretty girl who told me it was going to be ok.

apparently i was crying tears of joy.

it was tremendous.

it was maniacal.

i was introduced to a famous music video director who also couldnt believe his eyes and asked me to pinch him because he could have been dreaming, so i pinched him and he said he needed to reevaluate his life because he suddenly believes in God.

and as my ears were ringing as i said my prayers as my electric blanket clicked on i remembered i hadnt had a chance to say goodnight to

katie + matt + steve

that girl always wants attention. i dont know why she wants so much attention from me specifically but she does.

this morning she called and threatened to release our library of sex tapes. i begged her not to.

she said, what do you care, you did me like a porn star.

i said, im far too popular of a blogger to have a scandal like that hit the presses.

she said, but our tape could be out in time for christmas.

im not looking forward to christmas.

i have to work on christmas eve. and i cant go home. and i cant really buy a lot of presents for the poor kids in my neighborhood.

and i cant be with my true love.

and i cant be with my true lust.

so it will be hard to get in the christmas spirit, which my drug store and mall are trying to get me into right now.

and mariah said, see, so lets release our tapes, they could be a dvd box set.

i said, can i provide an audio track of commentary.

she asked, can we both?

i said, why dont i make some commentary on my track, and you sing on yours?

and she said, its a deal.

and then i went to my cupboard and whipped up some brownies,

wrote a chapter in my very slow-developing novel,

burned a cd for my man ben who has been driving me to work this week.

and i uploaded some pictures that i took.

and thats what i did after the tsar show last night.

xero79 + xeni + goobita

email and chat and telephone me to ask for advice. some will even stop me right there in the middle of the damn street.

i always take time out for the kids because like whitney houston i believe that children are our future.

often they ask me about matters of love, stock tips, playstation 2 tricks, or writing secrets.

sometimes they even ask about sex.

infact, it’s not unusual to hear something along these lines:

tony, i have this video tape of a hot girl i banged and i dont know what to do with it.

as a matter of fact, the other day someone told me that they had such a tape and they were thinking about selling it on their website.

i asked the young man if he was going to split the proceeds with his costar to which he said thus:

fuck that shit, this bitch is loaded!

which made sense because he was quite well off himself.

but since he asked me, i told the fellow that any time we get any, we being men, we need to respect whats going on. and when in doubt, be gentlemen.

a gentleman, i said, i doubt, would sell a sex tape of a young woman who didnt want the tape out there.

straight up.

infact the general rule of thumb that ive always respected is if a lovely wants any of her naked pictures or videos back she gets them back, no questions asked.

and on top of that, store all homemade porn off of the computer. you do this for two reasons: 1) in this peer-to-peer culture we are lucky to enjoy, you dont want to accidentally “share” your escapades with every pimply faced kid on kazaa

and 2) in the always-on high speed broadband valhalla we’re stoked with, you dont want a lucky bot or nosy hacker to break into your box and leave with a folder of your finest hours.

and since even hard drives can fail from time to time, its good to have a backup on a cd. which is a good idea for the rest of your dumb stuff too.

today i received via email the three minute sex tape sample of the paris hilton dealie thing.

paris loves the camera. does now, did when she was 19 and made this thing with rick solomon who directed and starred and is now trying to release it.

i have several questions of mr. solomon.

first being, whys he gotta be a bitch?

hes a handsome, rich, well endowed young man who was married to shannen doherty and obviously got it on at least once with ms. hilton, which probably means he’s always done well with the ladies.

so why expose paris like this? we all know shes not a virgin. and we also know shes rich. if he’s hurtin for money, just have someone pass the tape over to mr. hilton and name a price.

im sure paris’s dad would be happy to write a check for however many millions it would take to keep the tape of his little girl out of the hands of the world and the web.

so why be a dick about it?

you know why, america? cuz guys who are dicks get laid too.

my other question to the director is, whats up with the nightvision? paris looks at the camera, adjusts herself so that she is in the center of the frame, why not turn a light so we can see the poor girl.

number one thing i tell the ladies who send me their pictures: think about your lighting.

a $25 halogen lamp in the corner of a room can do wonders.

trust me.

the number two thing i request of them: switch on the red-eye reducer.

master the flash, think about lighting.

not only is the video dark and green, but when paris looks into the camera her pupils glow like neon, like deer in the headlights, like a racoon in the viewfinder of a rifle held by a man who has caught him in his trash cans for the final time.

as the guy said in the first beverly hills cop movie

thats not sexy.

paris, however, overcomes all of these obstacles and remains one of the hottest babes to ever get documented getting down.

she looks young, she looks skinny, and her boobs look bigger than i would have expected.

and kudos for going down on the guy.

everyone who called her a priss all these years can now only refer to her as a slut.

which she isnt.

shes just loving

and hot

and free

and far too trusting of the man with the big dong

and the nightvision camera.

allison + muscle68 + holiday.htm

the repubs are not very happy about me asking you to let me write a blog for you.

they know that if you said yes its over for them.

they want to try to confuse you by bringing up silly questions like “why would anyone pay you $2 mil for a blog.”

like they dont spend two mil on the gas for their hummers.

like they dont contribute to the rnc.

like they dont even blink even once when prince george asked for $85 billion to go to iraq and not find saddam and get a couple hundred of our boys kilt.

fuck them and their questions.

they know their little plans are shot to hell and their future is doomed if you hand over the money.

i was thinking i might need $2.1 though. i need to hire charles johnson at little green footballs.

its not enough to educate the world about the impotence of the republican party. everyone understands that other than getting themselves elected theyre basically useless while once in office. even my dog says duh to that one.

but what charles would do is be fearless about showing us who the real terrorists are. the saudis.

one reason the dnc blog would be worth the money would be we’d expose the truth while getting dems elected.

how much is that worth?

$2.1 is pocketchange for barbra streisand and tim robbins and sean penn and bill gates. and if you dont think the rnc isnt hooking drudge up with fat paychecks and a decent sized staff you probably believe that reagan bush didnt trade arms for hostages.

we’re through the lookingglass, people.

youre playing this game like its a game, and theyre playing it like its a war. ironic thing is they suck at real war, they cant find saddam, werent even close in finding osama. they have every tool of war ever known to man or beast and they’re getting their hats handed to them by serb mercenaries and kids.

sad thing is, when you play this game like a war you play it like the brits did in the 1700s, you stand in a line and wear red jackets, and theyre up in the trees hiding and picking you off one by one.

how on earth could you let them pretend that monica lewinsky had anything to do with whitewater and that whitewater had anything to do with something that should be allowed to impeach a president? do you let people walk all over you all the time?

damn.

anyway, the superheroes have been identified and theyre ready to rock the boat.

$2.1. hurry up.

your dream come true,

tony

jeff jarvis + blogumentary + fimoculous