and despite peer to peer sharing i dont listen to as much new music as i should.

but i do have every channel that directv broadcasts. other than the smut. although for some reason i have a feeling that those would be my favorite channels if i had them.

but i dont, so here are the best tv shows of 2003.

1. the howard stern show, e!

2. south park, comedy central

3. the simpsons, fox

4. pardon the interruption, espn

5. the simple life, fox

6. live with regis and kelly, abc

7. celebrities uncensored, e!

8. newlyweds: nick and jessica, mtv

9. big brother, cbs

10. the real world, mtv

11. the daily show, comedy central

12. the conan o’brien show, nbc

13. sportscenter, espn

14. e! news live, e!

15. behind the velvet ropes, style

16. mr. personality, nbc

17. survivor, cbs

18. the mclaughlin group, pbs

19. insomniac with dave attell, comedy central

20. monday night football, abc

21. late show with david letterman, cbs

22. the man show, comedy central

23. call for help, tech tv

24. the jimmy kimmel show, abc

25. iron chef, the food network

pink cookies + raymi + ou katie

dude i totally know what you mean about a-rod. but fuck a-rod, we dont need that shit. i know he’d hit 100 home runs at wrigley but fuckit. and we dont need nomar neither.

we need pudge.

i know you think catchers dont matter much, but they do. pudge is the one who held that marlins team together.

hes the one that called the pitches so that beckett could look so good.

and he had the clutch hits. and the clutch homers.

and the ladies love pudge.

i dont see how you dont love pudge.

oh raymi, why must you live in maui and i live here on the big island.

why must finding true lust be so damn hard.

youd be shocked at the things that turn me on nowadays, and the things that dont. its crazy.

any time you update, that turns me on.

thats for sure.

no shit.

serious.

werd.

xo

ox

x

ashly + maria + jennifer

she wanted to meet karisa, who was about to come over to loan me the keys of her truck for a few days, but it was just taking forever so we laid on our backs making little waves on the waterbed passing the remains from the jug of bacardi back and forth back and forth back and shes skinnier in real life, cute but fragile, everyone says they like how my afro has grown out and its big now and thicker and i would take my hat off to rogaine, but its not that perfect, not yet.

i have about ten thousand new years resolutions and the first one is to stop dating millionaires and sorority girls. im hanging tight with the cheerleaders cuz they can dance and as we know dancings everything. that and kissing. she said what do you want to do with your life tony pierce and i held her hand and watched the ceiling spin, wed been waiting for karisa for a while and the bottle slowed down but it wasnt gone yet. close though. i said i want to be a taxi driver.

she said but you’ll get shot. i said then i get shot. she said will you carry a gun, i said come on. i told her that i would get one of those gps things that show you where you needed to go and she said cab drivers are supposed to know i said too bad, rich girls are supposed to be smart. she played with her hair and i played with mine and she repeated supposed to a few times ending with one that she sorta sung and she said i spoke like a man who was hung.

the princess of sweden has a secret blog and she asked me if i had any tips on keeping it secret and i said yes. she said i will pay you i will love you i will kiss you i will have you if you only tell me how i can keep my deepest most private thoughts private in a public blog i said heres what you do and you dont hafta pay me anything. she said y not. i said cuz its christmas. she still gave me a kiss.

i said put a picture up of someone not so attractive and lie and say its you. i suggest drudge. then dont put up any more pictures at all. also take polls like which case of sexually transmitted disease are you? or which completely forgettable sting song are you. or which brand of low tar cigarette are you.

youre camel lights.

youre as trendy as acid washed jeans, and just as played out. you follow the crowd like a sheep, you’ll end up fat and stupid, you’ll die alone and cold and barely middleaged. you listen to coldplay and write down the words. nobody ever remembers what you say. one day you’ll smoke parliaments, but you wont really know why.

mix your real posts with ones that talk about how much you hate traffic, or how you got screwed while trying to get customer service to help you with a problem on the phone, go into great detail about how your boss doesnt understand you and how you keep getting overlooked for a promotion. dont link anyone ever who would ever link you back.

use aol journals.

tell us how much you love your boyfriend and how clever your cats are and how people should give britney a break. write about the weather, write about nicknames you and your friends have for local haunts, pretend that anyone in the world would care about what classes youre taking in college. make it so that when people land on your page the cursor turns into a star or a unicorn after a three minute delay.

fuck up the dates so it looks like you havent posted since june. once a month apologize for not updating and explain that you were super busy. talk about jesus.

dont ever say penis.

anti + kat + psychotic normalcy

nd it’s making me terribly jealous. i think things like “oh shit, why didnt i get the cat power cd, so i could have it on my best of list.”

or “fuck man, why didnt i see american splendor yet!”

and you might not know it, but hidden down inside tony pierce is a music critic. deep down inside. but im far too punk rock in my ideas to ever have it all come out right. for example, if i had to analyze last years busblog, i would say it was basically a year long record review of tsar’s self titled debut from 2000, basically giving it four stars.

this years busblog? wouldnt know. havent read it.

if i had to guess, i would call it an exploration of an optimists view of hell

first hand.

you can have coffee breaks in hell, it turns out. little breaths of fresh air.

promises of a weekend leave. a day pass. a time out. a twenty second time out.

a brief gasp of poise.

the reason rumsfield gets no love is cuz he says shit like saddam was a coward because he didnt shoot the guy who found him trapped in that hole.

rumsfield pretending that this guy wasnt living in palaces for over thirty years, not at all familiar with having rats gnawing at his eyebrows as he slept like the dead, treasure chest full of ben franklins as a pillow, rifle in one hand, pistol in the other knowing that this time things arent going to get better.

5 in the morning and someones busting in on you and you know what, not everyone is in the killing mood at 5 in the morning when youre sixty three years old or whatever the fuck he is. and dont think i feel sorry for him, i dont, but im used to my little comfort level and ive only been doing this for a few years, bros been having free reign of a rich country for a long long long time, hes not a coward because he didnt shoot anyone, hes just a lazy rich old man sleeping in a hole in the cold in a world of shit.

know where you vacation when youre in hell?

anywhere else.

a coward shoots himself with the pistol when the sky begins to fall, and seriously how brave is it to hold the rifle and shoot towards the light when odds are theres more than just that one motherfucker.

there is absolutely nothing cowardly about facing your judgement head on, especially in a part of the world where punishment for even minor offenses can be brutal and twisted.

some might call it taking it like a man.

theyre sexists, but we get the point.

people who jump into air force ones and fly as high as they can fly minutes after 9/11 shouldnt be calling people who try to crawl back into the womb cowards.

america should be known as showing a little class with our victories, shallow as they may be.

at the xbi we have a little saying that we tell overproud agents who gloat after they complete an assignment.

act as if you shoulda gotten him yesterday.

you’ll come across as more confident

way more professional

and utterly scary to the bad guys.

the best best of best of list of 2003: fimoculous

her name may or may not have been miss paris hilton.

unlike fred durst, i dont finger and tell.

so lets call this girl harrietta.

etta and i went over to samys cameras cuz she wanted a little camera to photographer her daily little things.

she originally bought a little canon elph off ebay and emailed me to tell me that she bought it, and i when i asked her which one she got i told her that it was a two year old cam.

she cancelled the order and picked me up at work and we went to samys.

i like frequenting the local businesses, and samys cameras really came through. everyone was knowledgable and fun and we ended up getting a good deal and the perfect camera for her.

whats nice about this cam is that its little, its powerful, its got a 4.0 megapixel deal on it, and we got it and a 128 mb memory card for $400 out the door.

and because it was paris hilton, i mean henrietta johnson, they gave her a year of free prints. 24 exposures a month.

then we went to kmart.

i needed a new space heater.

then we got into the car and her lil phone rang, and it was a friend of hers. paris told her friend that she would be done with me at around 10pm.

thats when i started pouting.

deep down im a big baby.

paris drove us to the popeyes to enjoy the crawfish basket combo dealie, but still i was giving her the silent treatment.

why? cuz samys cameras took us maybe 20 minutes tops. kmart took us maybe 20 minutes. everyone loved us. everyone said hi. everyone was nice. we held hands in the aisles. she felt me up next to the boxes of fiddle faddle. so to get into her miata and have her tell her friend that she was almost done with me crushed my fragile ego.

you cant be done with me, it said.

so we took the popeyes to my house

howard stern cheered me up.

we made out, made up, and passed out till the morning.

tomdog + full of nothing + faith fools

and my answer would be, yes, it is tiresome always being right.

but not as irritating as being so damn good looking.

whats really buggin me today isnt the reactionary collective wtf from some of my readers that im not all jumping for joy that “we got him”, it’s the fungus that has decided to collect on my right arch.

i know how exactly it got there, and i will now tell you how it got there since deeper topics upset simpleminded people so.

when i was a lad i was an allstar athelete, and because there was very little parental supervision i didnt shower much.

i know, gross.

so what happened is my feet became bombarded with all the playground dirt and grime and sweat and puke and blood and lust of adolescence and i came down with some very bad cases of athletes feet.

republicans love it when i give them a break.

theyd rather i talk about anything other than the obvious.

theyd rather we all rejoice with ding dong the bitch is dead than oh yeah he didnt actually blow our shit up.

theyd rather fund tv commercials that say bullshit like buying a joint from a guy at an aerosmith concert funds terrorism.

its that line of thought that they use to say that iraq was involved in nine eleven… sorta, so lets get em.

and then it’s the line of thought of oh no we cant go to riyadh, where nine eleven was born because oh scary that would bring world war three.

how fucked up are things when the king of peace, tony pierce, bare chested woman on the front of the viking ship of pacisfism says if theres going to be a world war three it needs to happen when you hijack airplanes and 9/11 america the beatuiful – and the repubs are not with me.

how fucked up are things when theyre willing to buy their own bs and then try to sell it to us.

the day those buildings went down they were talking about osama. not saddam. they went to afghanistan, not iraq. when they couldnt find osama they went after saddam.

they didnt go after him for any humanitarian cause, they said he had big time weapons. they didnt say that he tortured his people and we have to stop him, they said that he was making chemical weapons. they said they had proof. they said they had witnesses.

they had nothing.

now they have something. they have an old man.

all the technology in the world, all the satellite systems, all the spy planes, all the inspections, all the kings money and all the kings men, and it took a stool pigeon 9 months into the occupation for america to find the old man we were looking for. the scape goat. looking like a scape goat, hiding like an animal, under a mound of dirt in a hole covered by a throw rug.

why was there a throw rug there?

just looking suspicious.

dont get me wrong, im glad the throw rug was on top of the mound of dirt, i want every bad guy in the planet in jail, but did they really think they needed a throw rug?

whatever.

i got athletes foot from the shoes i wore when me and karisa danced all night.

thats all half of you really want to hear, so there it is.

variety blog + aaron gleeman + howard owens

nice job finding saddam. to be honest i never thought you could do it.

not like it was you who couldnt find him.

and i know it wasnt actually you who opened up the fake door tagged him and said “youre it!”

but you know what i mean.

good job.

i feel safer now.

so thanks.

and im really stoked that it wont take an hour and a half to get on an airplane anymore.

and that they wont make people get out of line and take off their shoes anymore.

and the stock market will go back up, and stay up.

and man, now that you have him all locked up and captured, im sure he will be telling you right away where all those weapons of mass destructions are.

and we will never have to worry about the good people of iraq ever blowing up the world trade center, or the pentagon again.

speaking of which, when are we going into saudi arabia?

i love that one line of yours, if youre not with us, youre against us.

almost as good as your dads read my lips.

theyre not with us

are they with us?

theyre not with us.

if they were with us, theyd just let us walk in and look around for osama.

and if theyre against us now, the same way they were against us before, then arent they even more dangerous than saddam was?

they’re not with us.

not only would one think that theyre probably harboring terrorists, but they breed them: 15 of the 19 9/11 terrorists were saudi and not iraqi, and osama was saudi and not iraqi like saddam.

so hey, when are we going in?

and by we i dont me you.

and i sure as shit dont mean me.

or is it that now that you have your re-election pretty much wrapped up, and you wont have to steal this one, youre not interested any more in countries who are against us?

countries who were actually behind 9/11, and not just the most favored scapegoat like iraq was?

what we learned today was $100 billion, 9 months of quote unquote war, and foot soldiers walking around a country hunting for a man, can indeed yield up that man.

seek and ye shall find.

so when will we go to saudi arabia and seek and find osama?

who blew up america and left behind a gaping wound?

i applaud you for finding the straw man after so much time, money, and close to 500 american military deaths.

when will you ask the american people for another billion, another 500 deaths, and another nine months to find bin laden, the terrorist cells that helped produce 15 of the 19 911 hijackers and instill a democracy in saudi arabia?

saudi arabia doesnt have a democracy.

“there’s not even the pretense in Saudi Arabia of a democracy.”

women cant drive cars there.

people get amputated by the crown so they will confess to crimes, and some criminals are executed in public.

a few years ago they were executing two people a week.

and if youre not a criminal, lets just say you’re gay, they kill you.

didnt we just blow the fuck out of iraq and just got a boner cuz we caught saddam cuz he killed his people?

do we only care about murdering tyrants when they kill heterosexuals?

course not.

like i said im stoked you got saddam, and im stoked you care so much about human rights and weapons of mass destruction and about dethroning nations who steal money and freedom and hope from their people and literally murder them right there in the streets.

and im stoked youre not going to stop at bringing a democracy to just afghanistan and iraq.

im stoked youre going to bring it to saudi arabia

and china

and north korea

and africa

and south central.

but im super stoked that we now know how to do it

declare war… sorta, blow shit up, die a little, kill his sons even the kids, be patient, spend a ton of money your own country doesnt have, keep asking people where bro is, then find him hiding

then shave him

then smile.

i feel so safe right now.

treacher + last chance cafe + little green footballs

the busblog now has merch