it was cheesy, it was uninspired, it was lame

it didn’t go into many details, it wasn’t passionate, it didn’t sink its teeth into the real reason that people will vote for him, and it didn’t make me want to head off to arizona and register voters in that swing state.

it was as flacid as i expected.

but it didn’t suck.

this has never been a partisan blog. no one owns me. no one.

you can look at george bush and see a retard and not be a liberal.

you can listen to john kerry and doze off and not be a conservative.

the republicans immediately started blogging about how the speech was flat and i wonder, what did they expect?

john kerry has been a senator for twenty years and i doubt he’s ever delivered a great speech. why would the right have thought that tonight would be any different?

people will try to judge kerry on tonight’s speech like speeches mean something.

if speeches meant something then how the hell did bush get even ten votes last time?

yes tonight’s performance was weak, but if gwb could drag a “band of brothers” up there and talk about saving someone’s life during the vietnam freaking war, then his speech could be lame too.

yes tonight’s monologue was awkward and choppy, but if bush hadn’t sent us into a $200 billion war, driving us deeper into a freefall of debt that he started with his ridiculous tax bribes i mean cuts, then his speech could be awkward and choppy too.

yes john kerry sweated up there, and he should, there’s a lot at stake, cuz some idiots actually decide who they will vote for based on canned convention chants like “help is on the way.”

i want a president on the way.

but better, i want someone to get out of the way.

so john kerry’s a well-intentioned dullard and gw bush is a creepy retard. america, this is what you get when you throw out candidates because they paid a maid under the table, or got caught cheating on their wife, or because they’re black and they’re proud, or because they happened to be born female.

milquetoast is the requirement and kerry at the mic and edwards with that fake hair and smile fulfill our crazy standards. unless youre republican, in which case anything goes (cokehead? fine. deserter? mmm-kay. foulmouthed haliburton ceo? kewl!)

to be fair, john kerry did take a few risks and he did score some much-needed points.

he made stem cell research a debate about science and not religion, where it belongs.

Two young bicycle mechanics from Dayton asked what if this airplane could take off at Kitty Hawk? It did that and changed the world forever.

A young president asked what if we could go to the moon in ten years? And now we?re exploring the solar system and the stars themselves.

A young generation of entrepreneurs asked, what if we could take all the information in a library and put it on a little chip the size of a fingernail? We did and that too changed the world forever.

And now it’s our time to ask: What if?

What if we find a breakthrough to cure Parkinson’s, diabetes, Alzheimer’s and AIDs?

What if we have a president who believes in science, so we can unleash the wonders of discovery like stem cell research to treat illness and save millions of lives?

he took a nice shot at the saudi crown: “I want an America that relies on its own ingenuity and innovation – not the Saudi royal family.”

and he took a very smooth shot at the current cabinet:

I will be a commander in chief who will never mislead us into war.

I will have a Vice President who will not conduct secret meetings with polluters to rewrite our environmental laws.

I will have a Secretary of Defense who will listen to the best advice of our military leaders.

And I will appoint an Attorney General who actually upholds the Constitution of the United States.

maybe it wasn’t that bad a speech.

maybe it helped that i watched it three times.

maybe even a dull speech by a dull democrat is all that is required to remove a republican who didn’t win the popular vote and probably didn’t even win florida.

but speeches and elections are not what im interested in as much as i care about actions.

when and if kerry wins, i will not expect him to entertain me, or wow me with words, all i care about is the bottom line.

and i doubt that im alone.

and i did like springsteen at the beginning of the speech and u2 at the end.

and yes, im ignoring the van haggar that kicked in right before my tivo stopped recording.

blogumentary + ken layne + jim gilliam + welch n blair

the summer wind blew a little kid’s empty saltine wrapper

danielle treeover the bike path, tumbling across the lush green lawn and nearly into the koi pond before i had a chance to step on it for the little dickens so he could recycle it into his backpocket

which a cartwheel easilly freed.

danielle was scooping out some yogurt complaining that shes going to go mary-kate on my ass and stop eating entirely because shes fat and almost before she could finish her sentence i had popped her good in the thigh

as is our deal for whenever she begins blabbering the ridiculous.

she grabbed her bare leg and laughed and said “good one” acting every bit the masochist that she probably is

although she claims the contrary.

my cell phone vibrated in my pocket and i saw that it was anna kournikova who has blown me off so many times ive lost count.

last time we were supposed to do something she blew me off to console her best friend who was having issues with her boyfriend who was spotted having outdoor public sex with a known strip tease artist

ive seen this womans work and artist is justified in describing her

but all the ladies in the house went omg ewwwwww! a stripper!

and convinced anna that she had to tell her friend that she was going to have to confront the little romeo that the free ride was ending.

and then they talked about how they saw him at Deep, the club at hollywood and vine that nobody goes to anymore because it’s so 2002 with its velvet ropes, skanky hos dancing in the ceilings and walls, and $10 amstel lights.

“i swear to you anna he was doing coke right there at the bar.”

which in certain circles is worse than cheating.

i wouldnt know those circles

all my friends are deeply religious.

or drunkards.

outfoxedso anna turned to me and told me that she had to break our date last night to watch Outfoxed, the fabulous new documentary about how Fox News is slanted blah blah blah. i have it on dvd.

i said, why not tell your friend tomorrow so we can play tonight.

she said, if she has sex with that dirty boy and catches something i would never be able to live with myself.

i said, if theyre having protected sex then everything should be cool.

she said, she’s on the pill and thinks hes being loyal.

i looked at her.

she said, i know i know.

and i said, fine, but it means that we wont see each other for a week cuz im sure you’ll be consoling her for at least that long and she nodded her head and i knew i shoulda banged her in her range rover last week when i had a chance.

when i called her last night she filled me in, telling me that she told her friend about the drugs but not the sex.

“i thought you Had to tell her about the sex so she wouldnt catch something?” i said.

“i didnt have the heart,” she said. “plus shes so distraught that he is a cokehead that she cant even think about sex.”

who are these people you might ask.

fuck if i know, i might reply.

even in the throws of 9/11 i could have gotten it on with the right woman. in fact isnt that how we kept the terrorists from winning? dont tell me you didnt do your part for the country.

so there i was. alone again. pretty much lied to. nobody getting any in all of LA. all cuz one stupid ass cheated on his girl and fucked it up for all of us.

she could tell i was disappointed, and called me back minutes after we hung up.

“i really want to be with you tony. Really. but cheating on enrique makes me cry.”

then dump him i said.

“you know i cant do that.”

all these people who Can’t do certain things. things they know are the right things to do. Can’t stop driving down dead ends. Can’t stop bad relationships that aren’t in the slightest bit full. Can’t tell boyfriends the truth. Can’t stop the devil from saying, “i know hes a loser but tony is a player and since you cant hate the player hate the game.”

so when the little kid saw his forgotten saltines wrapper taking flight near the koi pond it took everything for me not to push him into the water as i passed by.

but i did it anyway.

kalidescope + lick blog + zulieka

for the exception of the hello kitty vibrator

that i got clipper girl’s cousin, i dont buy a lot of sex toys.

does that make me a prude?


people say how creative my mind is, how inventive my ideas are, and yet when it comes to matters of the most intimate of moments, i pretty much do things the old fashioned way: dull.

in out in out up down up down fiddle with this over here fudtz with that over there.

perhaps it was my midwest upbringing.

and so, when i read today that the Alabama law prohibiting the purchase of sex toys was upheld by the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, it sorta made me want to take a little trip over to the Pleasure Chest in hollywood to stock up before the tide of conservatism hits the west coast.

are sex toys really that dangerous to the moral fibre of this fine land?

more dangerous than guns? which are legal in Alabama?

and why is it that the Appeals court didnt overrule this silly law on the basis of the right of privacy?

and why are people so concerned about what goes on in my bedroom is beyond me. if i used 100 “toys” last night with a variety of young women, i dont see how it is any concern to anyone, let alone the nation.

as long as everything is consensual and everyone is satisfied i dont see how the purchase and use of sex toys is any way damaging to the union.

meanwhile i assume that whipped cream and cucumbers are still legal to purchase in ‘bama, but by law those should be banned as well.

therefore i suppose the only way that we could help get guns off the streets in alabama would be to start a fetish where people started using them in a sexual way.

hopefully if such a protest occured, people would have the good sense to unload the side arm or rifle before they committed the act.

unless they wanted to demonize the bullets as well.

canada, your way of life is looking smarter and smarter with each passing day.

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