for almost an entire week

cuz a bitch ate oneclay aiken” has been the number one search phrase on Technorati, it’s also been one of the most-tagged phrases in people’s blogs.

lets see what the last few blogs have said in reference to america’s most loved runner up.

… Herschell has played thousands of clubs, bars, and dives all over America opening for acts including Molly Hatchet, Gwar; Culture Club and Clay Aiken. He enjoys water polo, shooting automatic weapons, horror movies, and raising cows.

… As I began to regain my eyesight (and sense of feeling in my upper body) I discovered that the only source of fat, complex-almost-cancerous carbohydrates, and cholestorol thick enough to clog Clay Aiken’s anus was a Swanson Hungry Man Southern Fried Chicken that has been hibernating in our freezer for about 3 equinoxes. So I threw it in our plutonium-powered gamma ray flash-heater: the microwave oven.

Why dear God are so many people still talking about Clay Aiken???

Why is he still rated so high on all the search engines of internetville, have you seen what he looks like now! I understand that he sings so loverly and stuff, but come on, he hasn’t done an album in like 2-3 years and he showed up on American Idol looking like a really ugly chick. I will never understand the obsession so many people have with Clay Aiken…ok I rest my freakin’ case.

hollywood gossip whores

If anyone has pictures of Clay Aiken with his sexy longish dark hair, hook me up, cos I love him!


I’ve told you so many times that you look like Clay Aiken. Ok not as gay as Gayken, but similar features and subconscious movements. I realised that since AI2003.

First and foremost – the smile. Look at the loopsided senget smile that Aiken has. This grin if you scrutinize closely from front, left and right look exactly like yours. 2nd, the hair, he has similar hair as yours. 3rd, his laughter or giggle is exactly like yours.
And whatever style he did with his hair, hey man, you have done it too. You had this look when I first met you, didn’t you? And the same slouch and gait. Oh, look at those chubby cheeks.
But Aiken’s eyes are not as deepset as yours. You have more of Toby’s eyes and the chin too. But only those two, for the rest of the features – Aiken is your lookalike.

OMG I’m dating Clay Aiken!

Kinda random stuff:

but what has happend to my beloved Britney Spears. I was slaaaaave 4 her! But now wtf? Kfed what have u done to her? or should I blame Sean Preston? I want my baby back baby back=(

Is everyone in Europe ridiculously good looking? Yes! Specially in Spain, France, England, Italy, Ireland, Switzerland, Germany, Greece, I could keep going but Daham, the girls girls girls!!

I still have no mothafokkin clue whats goin on Lost saw the season finale yesturday, also I was a lil upset to find out a gray haired senior citizen won American Idol? Hicks is it? How funny was the Clay Aiken look alike! he almost had a seizure. Hes right though Clay Aiken=pure hotness! O ya-

thats what youve been missing.

grace + floorpie + sean bonner + get well leck

me: raymi what are you wearing

raymi: oh sorry im, im wearing these pants i just cut into short/pants that are black cords and i look amazing
and cowboy boots
with pink and blue striped sox sticking out
and a white tank top thing and a lot of makeup

me: why arent you wearing a bikini, i thought it was hot over there?

2:03 PM raymi: cos i am going to be meeting some lady friends in an hour on a patio and i am practising wearing clothes

me: are you guys gonna have a pretend tea party?

2:04 PM raymi: yes but the pretending will be real and the tea with be huge booze drinks

me: what will be the topics of discussion on the table?
… do you predict.

2:05 PM raymi: morphine ex loser boyfriends obesity funny things i said or did once

me: ive only done demerol, never morphine

2:06 PM raymi: ive done neither

me: dont fret, yr young

raymi: aha

me: did who you wanted to win win american idol

2:07 PM raymi: that wasnt english

me: you dont speak french all of a sudden? i thought you were canadian.

2:08 PM raymi: i meant
oh nevermind
i didnt see who won was it the grey head guy

me: yes
why dont you watch Lost either

raymi: HE WON!
oh cos i dont
2:09 PM i have never seen an episode of sopranos

me: i cant believe im telling you this almost a week later

raymi: i like huff tho
well sorry

me: prince played, it was killer
why dont you watch more tv, is toronto really that fascinating?

2:10 PM raymi: prince is too gay for me. i saw him and i turned it off.
oh i watch othe rstuff like movies and i play video games
and i write stories

2:11 PM me: baby ive seen the gay shit that you put on your blog. there is Nothing too gay for you.

speaking of which. lets come out with books soon
i started writing one yesterday

2:12 PM raymi: im writing one
i started a month ago

me: write something every day for 100 days
good you need a head start
youre a girl

raymi: i dont put gay things on my blog my blog is awesome
whats yer book

me: your blog is awesome despite the gayshit
its a novel autobiography
mostly real but fake parts when i slow down

raymi: tell me one gay thing on it
2:13 PM and maybe i put gay things on it if i put gay things on it maybe i put them there for a reason

me: i trust your reasons
no one has hyped your blog more than i

raymi: thats true
but what was gay?

2:15 PM me: didnt you have a guy getting blown by another guy next to a tree?
last time i checked that was borderline gay.

raymi: well that’s FUNNY!

me: i never said it wasnt funny.

2:17 PM raymi: excellent
2:18 PM me: oki guess that does it for this interview
raymi: i wonder what i will eat tonite

me: ok blow fil for us

raymi: ew
hey wait

me: yes baby?

raymi: what did the 1 say to the 11

2:19 PM me: ahhhh idont know

raymi: who’s your friend?
also what did the 0 say to the 8 ?

me: ahahahaha
later raymi!!

science blog + flagrant should write about teen boy syndrome + xTx + raymi

hot chick was on me last night, i was drunk

i didn’t know how she got there. if there was a web cam in my house maybe you people could see that lots of times things just happen to me. i have very little control over the circumstances.

life is fuzzy. things fade in and out. my legitimate kids will never have to worry about tv reception, but it’s like that sometimes. flashes like a strobe light.

bowling. riding. drinking. smoking. church members. bicycles. back door. phone ringing. groceries still on the floor. knock at the door. phone ringing. ice cream. soda. phone still ringing. pee. door bell rings. take off shirt. take off shorts. take off shoes. oops. cell phone rings. turn on computer.

people know i don’t open my door at night still they try to trick me with fancy knocks. heres the secret knock to get me to open the door: don’t knock. don’t ring the bell either. don’t call the phone, don’t call the cell phone. get me on instant messenger or write an email.

better yet, write about me on your blog.

blonde girl wrote about me on her secret blog. then she instant messaged my ass. phone rang. unplugged the phone.

she said she wanted me to call her and talk dirty. i said i just unplugged the phone.

she said she wanted to come over just to sleep.

i said we’re not just going to sleep.

then she said things that are the right things to say to a drunken man who had just bowled a 95 and was served three shots of 151. she said i was beautiful. she said that no one touched her like i did. i asked, with my hands? she said with your hands with your mouth with your words with your thoughts.

i told her all i had were dirty thoughts and she said sexy isnt dirty then she said that i taught her that. then i said i was going to bed. then she said she was coming over to leave the gate open.

went to bed. let the gate open. fell asleep. woke up. is someone trying to kill me. kill me then. fell back asleep. who’s saying my name. who’s whispering my name. who’s playing with my chest hair. who’s telling me i have gray chest hairs. three of them. four of them.

who’s telling me they don’t care if i don’t wake up. that they know how to wake up.

who’s awake.

originally posted, may 30, 2003