From: Tony’s Mom
Subj: So What’s Your Agenda Today

What is your route? Did you get an early start?

Dear Mom,

almost every day you ask me these questions and i know youre tracking me via your map at work and i know youre worried and i know you love me, but i can no longer answer these questions.

i am an undercover agent for the xbi. not only that but im a somewhat popular blogger. and on top of that im a wandering soul.

the purpose of this trip is multi-layered and part of that involves the lack of plans. so far the plans, routes, and schedules of this trip have only acted as a sort of a wet blanket to me.

yes it was great seeing you and going to the cubs game and going to the bears game and for those things i needed to tell you and others where i would be and when. but secretly i didnt like Having to be anywhere or Having to do anything.

now that im on the home stretch i really dont want to know whats going on nor do i want to plan anything. i hate that i even have a semi plan. when i was in europe i enjoyed getting off one train and getting on the next train whereever it was going.

infact when Chris and i were together in Frisco we’d often ride the muni to whereever it was going and get off whenever we saw something interesting. its one reason i love her so much – because she understands that free spirit of adventure and randomness.

i understand that you like to plan things out but that doesnt work for me. i saw a park today called Hungry Mother Park. if i was truly free i would have gone to that park but i have some weird thing in me that was saying “you have to try to be in Memphis by tomorrow.” but why do i have to be in Memphis by tomorrow? no one is waiting for me, Elvis aint going no where, ive got no hotties there awaiting me.

but i didnt explore that part of Tennessee or Virginia or wherever i was because i still havent become truly free. if theres a purpose of this trip it is to meander like the butterfly does: drunkenly, stupidly, with the aid of nature.

the only thing i need to do is be home by Oct 20th because thats when anna kournikova will be in LA and she wants to give me a special birthday gift, but as great as she is, if im having a great time somewhere else and its not costing me too much money, i might not be in LA by then.

again, i know you mean well and you just want to know, but i dont want to know. in fact i dont even want to think about it. i dont even want to know what road im on or know what town im approaching. i just want to watch the midget horses eat grass and the fat cows poop. i want to see the leaves change colors while listening to howard stern talk to strippers who are peeing on dwarfs in motel rooms. i know you dont want to hear this, but I want to be in motel rooms as strippers are peeing on dwarfs and i wont get that chance if im speeding in and out of towns because i have some random schedule.

so heres what you should do. you should read this blog. most of it is lies but the places are generally correct. or you can ask me where i just was. i dont mind talking about the past. the past isnt all that fascinating, but it’s helpful for your map.

i love you dearly. today howard stern asked nba basketball player Doug Christie whose wife has him on a short leash if the Nazis had a gun to his head would he choose that they shoot his wife or his mother. Doug said they should shoot his wife, which of course made her cry, even though it was just speculative and ridiculous, but Doug and I have that in common, our mommas come first.

which is why my future wives are lucky that the Nazis are no longer in power.

Anyways i will do many things that you wont like: i will drive late at night, i will drink when offered drink, i will smoke when offered smoke, and i will watch my female fans dance on my bed when they invite themselves into my room, and i will eat fast food high in transfats. other than that, anything goes. im sorry but at 113 going on 114 i owe that sort of lifestyle to my readers, who basically paid for the car that im driving.

and yes i would have the Nazis shoot them instead of you, but until then they deserve to read fun tales from the road because no one at Pajamas Media care as much about them as i do. until that changes, it’s my duty to rock out with my, uh, laptop out.

Go Bears,

Tony

most people dont know that i have a brother. i do. hes xbi, but more specifically east coast xbi, which is why i keep it on the dippty down low.

dc is a freaky place because everyone is army navy secret service pentagon fbi cia and of course xbi. if you know how to read license plates your mind will blow when you get around the beltway and the reason i had to take yesterday off from writing is centered around that so lets just move on to another subject.

most people dont know that real close to the white house is dc’s chinatown. shit i cant really talk about that either so…

the thing i liked the best about this trip back to my birthplace was it was hot. it was 90 degrees friends. i wanted to see thomas jefferson’s memorial because there are a lot of overlooked memorials and his is probably the most overlooked because its just him standing up in a big ass dome.

i also like his memorial because he was really the only president that not only owned slaves but regularily got it on with them while writing about how every man should be free in america. the hypocracy and paradox is still evident today in the US and i just wanted to pop in his monument to get some sweet vibes from that energy.

but before i went in i noticed that my balls were sweating like a bitch because it was not just hot but also humid due to the oncoming storm that was a day away. so i pulled into an abandonded parking lot that would have been filled if it was the summer and i took off my pants in my car and underwear and put on a fresh pair of boxers and my shorts.

of course right at that moment a metra subway line comes roaring out of nowhere and everyone on the train got to see my better half. i sorta laughed for a sec when another train going the other direction flew out of a tunnel.

i put my shorts on and drove out of there in fear that i would be busted for exposing myself to the world.

after i met my bro at his current stakeout we had dinner and drinks and caught up a little and then i hit the road south by southwest on my way back home. after all this time heading east today i turned the corner.

as always i got a little drowsy right when i started driving, which made sense after a dinner of crab cakes and a tall glass of beer, but a giant coke and a small order of mcdonalds fries picked me up again and i was good. i drove all the way to right outside roanoke virginia where i am now for the night.

its 444am, im bummed i missed Lost but stoked that ABC will have it online tomorrow night when i hope to be close to memphis TN. at $50 a night i would stay here an extra day just to write and work but theres bugs crawling all over the walls – not a lot – just three, and the woods are scary, and they dont have a hot tub.

and even though clipper girl called me today from a victoria secrets asking me what color thigh highs id like to see her in on my return, purple, i wouldnt mind being on the road for about fifteen more months.