as you know, nothing in here is true.

which is why i had to lie all those years and say i was 108 when i was actually much younger.

but since tomorrow is a milestone of sorts, the powers that be decided that it would reveal that im not about to turn 114, but an even 100.

so i figured id beat them to it. so there.

now, since its now ok in this post to tell the truth, i can tell you that the best thing that i learned on my roadtrip is that an old car can really make it around this country pretty well.

it started as a 114k mile nissan sentra. and is now in the 120’s. and all i had to do was check its oil every other fillup.

it took hills fine, the breaks were good, and the Sirius satellite stereo worked pretty much everywhere except under overpasses and in garages.

i learned that God and Jesus are all over the usa. in weird places like billboards advertising motels. im as big a Jesus freak as the next guy but i dont need a fish symbol inder the AAA logo. but thanks.

in my 100 years, my favorite time was probably the 80s. the bears won the superbowl, the cubs were in the playoffs twice, the bulls were begining their domanance. music was creative, metal was huge, gas was cheap, and weird things like the tuition at santa monica college was $50 a quarter.

ah the 80s. it was good to be 80 in the 80s.

that whole time i didnt have a gray hair. then bush came and forget black or gray, i just lost all of it.

im old but i still havent seen the cubs win the world series and thats not a good thing because it looks like theyre going backwards, not forwards.

ernie banks used to say that sometimes you have to back up to get a good running start, and i hope thats the case.

so tonight i will prepare for letting new girls know that theyre standing in front of their opportunity to kiss a hundred year old man. which is pretty awesome if you think about it.

heres to another century of easy livin.


People say “oh i dont live in LA

LAist rules harder than you know i wouldnt want to read LAist.” to them i say, then youre missing out bubba.

Here’s some of what was covered just yesterday:

– Yes on Prop 89, and not just because the LA Times and other Big Businesses are against it.
Some people still don’t believe, even after a jury says he did it on purpose, that an old man would plow through a crowd of youngins on purpose.
– Michael J. Fox wants Missouri to get their heads out of their asses.
– “Marie Antoinette” probably sucks
– While everyone else has to schlep around in clubs, Bob Dylan can quietly still sell out the Forum.
– When cops raid your office your press conference about running for Congress is probably postponed.
– There will be hot lesbo action on the new Real World
– Fraggle Rock will probably stay weird.
– Even John Lennon’s son gets played by the ladies.
– The GOP do believe in Cut & Run.
– If you’re old and white and live in Santa Monica, you still don’t have to come to court even if you get tried and convicted for killing 10 people.
– There’s nothing hotter than a USC cheerleader, except maybe two UCLA cheerleaders screwing in a lightbulb.
– NBC is in some deep fucking shit.
– Lesbianism continues to sweep the land.

photo by ⓢⓤⓟⓔⓡⓜⓞⓓ via flickr

michael was nice enough

to ask me to write something about a tom waits song on his blog.

last night i was drunk and tired and not in the best shape to write about anything but when you write about tom waits its ok to be a little out of sorts i think. anyways, it wasnt about chocolate jesus, above, from the old school david letterman show

it was about a track from franks wild years, still my favorite tom waits album.

as i understand it, theres gonna be a triple-cd coming out of miscellaneous tracks called Orphans and you can hear one of the songs here: Bottom of the World. pretty much better than everything thats out right now. imagine that.