dont ever listen to me whine. ive told you that a million times but here you are listening. shut your ears. its not gonna be pretty.
all i wanna do is sleep. im so dumb. every day almost for a month i was out and about and driving and falling asleep at the wheel or eating something or checking out of a room or checking into a room. but today i slept in as late as i wanted i did whatever i wanted and now i dont wanna do the thing that i came back to LA to do: see one of my alltime favorite bands ever: The Pogues at one of my all time favorite places The Wiltern.
on top of it this hot chick got me to do two things i didnt wanna do. you know youre old when you dont have a facebook profile. so she rolled off me this morning and said i looked for you on facebook and you dont have one, why? and i said cuz youre a fraction of my age. and its only for college kids. and she said nuh huh its open to anyone now. and i was all good for you now do that thing you did last night.
and she did and later when she was leaving she said quick lets get you signed up and i had work to do. i had hella blog posts to write for LAist cuz for some reason everyone took the day off of writing for LAist today so i wrote something crazy like seven posts. and she asked me every personal question imaginable. i was all YOU TELL FACEBOOK ALL THAT INFO? i drew the line when she asked me my cell phone number. but she just flipped open her sidekick and typed it in and suddenly i had gotten a page and i was fucked. now facebook knows my everything. and it emailed like so many people from my gmail so if i bothered you im sorry. i dont even wanna be on that thing.
whats the other thing she did to me today. oh yeah she didnt get me the weed i requested from texas. when someone says yes i will get naked with you even though youre 18 yrs old and i dont do 18 yr olds anymore but i will if you have a huge sack of weed waiting, have the weed waiting. its not cute to get tony pierce mad. i know everyone thinks its like the funniest thing omg ever but its not. there are lots of bridges for me to jump off of and i know that if i ever do it its gonna be because of a tiny college girl with absolutely no body fat and less pubic hair.
girls today think that everything revolves around sex and that may have been the case when i was a younger man but im a senior citizen now. ive seen and done it all. theres no fucking chick that can make me jump through a hoop for sex no matter what she promises unless it includes every single one of the dallas cowboy cheerleaders in uniform. sorry but heres what motivates me nowadays: silence, housekeeping, early morning blowjobs, and writing well for LAist. and no, blowjobs isnt sex so shhh.
she did something else to me and now i cant remember what. bitch. OH YEAH she made me throw a birthday party for myself and then “remembered” that she was going out of town. so now im having a birthday party in my house, something im pretty much against, ive invited tons of people, i barely even wanna be there cuz im gonna be pooped and a horrible host, and shes not gonna blow me when the clock strikes midnight infact i wouldnt be surprised if i never see her again.
so if you live in LA and didnt get an evite or a gmail email from me today and you wanna come to the bash, email me and i will send you the directions. i think i turn 115 or some shit. and now im late for the pogues so hasta.