and i look at myself in the mirror and i think, now i could understand if i got this offer at 20, 30 or even 40

but how is this happening now that im knock knock knocking on heavens door?

maybe shes trying to get in my will.

right now my will is being rewritten because previously i had left all of my worldly possessions to the Cubs so they could sell them and buy a left handed starter

but now that we’re world series champs, all i want for Christmas is my sink of dirty dishes cleaned.

so i appreciate her, and what i hope are some inappropriate uniforms, coming over to take care of them.

last night i drove around USC, and speaking of inappropriate, it was an Uber Pool, meaning you pick up someone and before you drop them off you pick up someone else.

in the front seat was this frat boy surfer dude

in the back were two chinese computer science majors.

surfer bra goes what sort of weed do they have in china?

guys in the back laugh and say they have never smoked pot.

we’re heading to the off campus apartment complex called the Lorenzo.

surfer goes, you live in the Lorenzo and youve never smoked pot?

china guy says, only the Americans smoke that.

i laugh. Americans.

chinese guy says, isn’t that addictive?

surfer says, havent you ever been addicted to a video game? like you cant stop thinking about it. your hands get sore playing? or what about a girl, have you ever been obsessed by some hot chick? both of those are way more addictive than weed.

then the chinese guy goes our parents told us not to do it.

surfer says, didnt your parents tell you not to wack off?

everyone laughs.

loudest of all: a muffled voice in the trunk.

i dont usually do x rides that early in the evening because theres a good chance the consultants have yet to leave the building

but i have no patience any more and i just turned it on and got this movie producer from the international over to this steak house in beverly hills.

turned out we knew some of the same people. small world.

uber has this thing where it will hook you up with a new ride sometimes before youre finished with the ride you’re still doing, which is what happened

dropped off the producer picked up this quiet businessman who lived in the val.

encino i said and i said it in a happy way, like hey just going with the flow is working out. long trip and we end up somewhere i hardly ever am.

first waze said take the 405, but you know who takes the 405 at 7pm on a monday? sucker MCs.

i aint no sucker MC and neither is my passenger so we took Sepulveda and wound over and to the side of the 405 and it was smooth sailing.

climbed up the hill and boom i was good. figured id be like tom petty and just take ventura blvd back to hollywood but id turn on the Select Only and see if i got lucky. called my mom to ask her what she thought about Jimmy Kimmel being the host of the show and before i knew it i was getting a Select ping.

picked up a beautiful Puerto Rican music exec at a restaurant in Encino. she comes out with two suitcases and friends. suitcases? down here in the Val? to the airport?

to the airport.

and it was so nice. 405 south, sucker MCs, but we were a carpool going the right way. carpool lane was empty. maybe 400 cars all going south, all solo. so weird. we talked about Cuba and JLo and Pitbull.

Uber is the best invention ever, she said.

and told me about how she was in a rush at the Miami airport and just said fuckit and got a cab and it was hot and she had her french bulldog with her and she asked the cab if he could turn on the AC

and he said, i dont turn on the air for

dogs.

i gasped.

she said, that’s my baby!

i said, i know.

and i knew.