i like to think i have all the answers.

i like to think i can see into the future and inside people’s hearts

and sometimes i can.

peoplesupport – we hired like 400 ppl. 1,000+ came through me and i whittled them down with help from nicollette and shannon. but ultimately it was my yes or no and i used my spidey senses

the minute i saw amber i knew she was, like me, not here to bullshit you.

we could talk about almost everything, do anything. fuck fight and feast.

the one thing we couldnt talk about was her eating disorder.

she would get so mad

then i would get mad back bc i took it personally and say

you have to trust me by now ive been here through everything, just tell me about it, whats the root of it? are you afraid of losing it? do you think i wont bone you if you gain 50 pounds? i’ll tell you what every pound you gain i’ll lose a pound or gain a pound of muscle.

just know i want you alive

and she is not alive and i was her closest person for years and years and when she left me she died

so how am i not supposed to think this is my fault?

what i do think though is shes in a better place, cheesy as that is

but she did have a heart of gold, was nice to the richest ppl you ever met and the poorest.

here we are backstage at the Bill Maher show and shes with a General

once we drove up the 5 to deliver lost luggage to the four seasons in Frisco and we stopped over to get some almonds at a farm and met the farmer and his daughters and ended up talking to them for a good half hour, maybe more

ABOUT NUTS
and weed

once i said can i touch you anywhere? she said yes please. i said even in pictures. she said yes xbi. touch me anywhere. even when we fought she never said not there.

she loved interviewing people and putting their style on instagram or on her blog

i think this is a lady gaga show we went to. i took a leak and came out and she was interviewing this woman.

all she wanted to do was lift up everyone else. me too, but she was a mile ahead.

one day during covid, she had been laid off from the hotel bc the hotel was closed

and she said come in here.

she had a little office in my livingroom closet. she decorated it nice and during covid we were locked up in a 1bd hollywood crash pad. it was built for med students and serial bachelors who never had more than 1 person in the place for too long

it was not meant for two. so she built her own land in that closet. so cute.

she was looking at craigslist and she was all, they want Exotic dancers. are white girls from van nuys exotic?

she’d pose anywhere for me. wear anything. accept all direction.

if only i knew how to take proper photos. if only i had money.

if only i knew how to really be a good boyfriend to her.

she would gather things guests at the hotel would throw away. like totally full bottles of shampoo. and then she would make and give care packages to the homeless.

here she is with Walter, a guy who has slept on the street as long as ive been in this apartment. someone i would never have known, certainly not his first name if it wasnt for Amber.

she loved helping these people. she gave them $20 bills even though she never made much at the hotels.

she treated everyone the same. even shepard fairey.

even the general.

even walter.

if anything maybe she treated walter better bc none of those other mfers got kickass shampoo.