im so mad

how is it 1:30pm
how is it that i just asked the greatest questions of all
and the fucking radio thing wouldnt work
how is it that the words coming from the right people
are so wrong
and the words coming from those who are so far away
are so right

who are you i was asked
i have no idea i thought
i thought i was someone cool
but im not.
i thought i was something sorta good
and sorta important
but so not true.

there are very few people who i have trusted in my life
when it comes right down to it.
and by trust i mean shared everything with.
including the concept of trust.

i had two grandmothers who never took excuses.
one did it in a very angry uptight hit you with a purse way
one did it with a look that would slice you in half.

and they would beat excuses out of your head and youd get to a point where
youd just do everything.

all i know is sometimes you dont wanna open up any doors
sometimes you dont want people to shine a light in your dusty corners
you dont want the devil to show you the obvious
which is

youre barely even a blogspot blogger

youre almost a livejournaler.

youre practically nothing.

and when you die

you better hope that you are allowed to have whatever you want on your tombstone

cuz that will be the only thing left for people to remember you by

and if anyone wants to piss on my grave, look for the rocks that look like a huge log of cow shit

that spelt out says

fuck ticketmaster

wish me luck cuz im gonna ask some really tough questions
because i hate everything.

update: it went well, but sadly the internet radio thing failed miserably

i hate more things now. even more things.

and i am also receiving confirmation that im just a notch above the most pathetic of all. thanks for letting me know.

its canadian girls

especially those who like to bake cookies. yes its true i sent two pounds of semi sweet chocolate morsels up to vancouver when i was told that young keira-anne wasnt able to get a wide variety in the land of free everything.

so i sent her some nestle toll house, her faves
but i also threw in a bag of hershey’s
and two bags of what all the kids loved in frisco, ghirardelli
i got her one bag of regular and one bag of 60% cacao, or bittersweet

by letter here are the bags i sent
ghirardelli cacao – A
hershey’s – B
nestle – c
ghirardelli reg – D

keira invited her pallie miss604 over and they cooked up all the cookies
to see the results of the cook-off and to see which chips the ladies liked
just go over to keira’s blog and becky’s blog and see what they concluded

i do. i went into my bedroom the other day and just started throwing things out. magazines. clothes. old vcrs. old dvd players. boxes. everything.

everything is dirty. everything. everything is old and worthless. everything.

other day this guy whispered to me

can you help a brotha out with a dolla

and i whispered right in his ear

im gonna punch you so hard if you dont step.

xbi gave me the day off today and i dont even work there any more.

the panel went good. i got drunk last night. passed out on time. woke up on time. got to the place on time. emmanuelle was looking tres chic in this 70s dress.

afterwards we stood outside the conference and talked and people came up to us and said how good we were and asked questions and stuff.

i even got to talk for a good while with shepard fairey and friend of the busblog sean bonner, owner of the metroblogging empire. we talked about music and japan and art and technology.

all the things a normal person would enjoy.

i talked with missy suicide of the suicide girls who couldnt be nicer or more beautiful or smarter. but seriously so nice its amazing. she could be a candy store owner or a kindegarten teacher in a past life.

had lunch with the beautiful sloane of LAist, met the dude from thrillist, a woman from flavorpill, talked to a dude from chicago who lives a mile from wrigley.

i met two women from look look who said hi to me and i found out that sharon and dee dee either are pregnant or had babies.

all the nice things a normal person would want to hear and meet and savor

but all i wanted to do was go home. and for once i didnt want to work.

devil was on my laptop wacking off to ceiling cat and tubgirl.

somehow the entire day had come and gone and there it was 3pm and i had just started to open my gmail.

had i completely lost my mind was the question and oui was the only thing the devil would say to anything anyways especially while fouling my coffee table so i napped before i said the wrong things to people.

and when i woke i heard jeffery toobin who hates oj say that oj was probably set up and everything is very fishy and how can a guy with 4 felony convictions gets bail and yet oj gets no bail and might do life?

and all i kept thinking was i hate everything and everyone and especially the people who made very sure that paris hilton was never photographed in handcuffs despite the fact that she hurtled her car down the street – MY STREETS – drunk drugged and with her lights off – definately a danger to my neighborhood.

but the cops made a deal that if she turned herself in there would be no perp walk photo.

scooter libby was fucking convicted while being part of an act of treason during wartime and yet i saw no pictures of handcuffs on scooter libby being led to jail

yet all i see are pics of oj in handcuffs, strugging, limping, wincing.

and if your hate is the size of a mustard seed, mine could move mountains.

from the busblog.

seems like the devil has made himself at home in the headquarters.
sux cuz thursday is my mothers birthday and i love her
but im really distracted with the devil sitting right here in my house with me.
fat and red and slimy and smelly.
i knew i was in trouble when i noticed the water from the tap tasted bad.
first thing i do in the morning is ask the girl in my bed to remind me of her name, and then i brush my teeth.
i look at myself in the mirror and say one of two things
how the fuck do you do it or
youre such a fucking loser i cant believe it
and i thank god for being alive
and i bend down and rinse out my mouth.
and the water usually is refreshing and cold and it erases the slate
and begins the day.
but when you start the day with evil in your mouth
and you turn around and you see the devil reading the paper
and people start saying the most ridiculous things to you
and you wonder

did i die again?

am in in hell again?

and all i thought was i cant go hell before i get my mom something for her birthday.

because as you get older you realize, yeah i could learn Everything
or i could just get lucky and hope that all of my friends know how to do everything
but the beauty of LAist is most of these people arent even my friends
theyre just really really really really really nice people
who are all smart, who are all so great
who just all pitch in, as if they were your best friends ever.

so i tried to give these tickets to this reader of LAist who comments sometimes
and when he does hes super nice. and he was all whoops i cant go
so i was all grrrrrr cuz i hate conducting contests cuz they eat up my time
and he was all sorry but hey if you ever need some video editing

and because im old, you could offer me lots of things, weed, blowjobs, ice cream
but probably the Greatest thing i could have been offered the other day
was video editing.
it was almost as if the man was reading my mind.

so i went to his house dropped off my dvds and above is the first thing he did
like an angel from above.

cuz even the donnas had to form their own label. dropped by atlantic after “fall behind me” only made a few suits rich, the donnas are doing their own thing now, shunning their donna c, donna s., schtict and now using their real names, the donnas rocked the world famous viper room last night for their album release party of Bitchin’, which drops today.

all day i had said to myself, i hate life. i hate this person. i hate that thing. i hate everything.

i watched the cubs start to win and i said, i still hate everything.

i saw the cubs lose their lead and i was all, i fucking dont have enough middle fingers

i saw the cubs come back 6-4 in the bottom of the ninth to win and i said, ok that was awesome, and went to see the donnas

at the viper

sold out show.

met the beautiful ladies who run the monday nights there.

drank at the bar and someone gave me a free shot of jose cuervo

went up stairs and saw the randies play and fell in love with the lead guitarist because i love italian girls

my computer screen is flickering on and off theres a fly trying to bug me and its doing a good job.

i still dont have enough middle fingers because someone booked me for a panel that expects me in my seat at 8am

pacific

today on the busblog – The Lying Hat

was checking out last night’s conan on comedy central while eating my chinese leftovers at my desk for lunch when my boss’s boss, this super dooper hot black woman who looks like a young whitney crossed with a younger vanessa williams, tapped me on the shoulder.

sonny, come with me. she ordered.

trailed her as she made her way to the elevators. everyone knows her. looked like everyone had some business with her.

“we never got that approval from IT,” someone shouted at her.

“tell em to call Phil.” she’d yell back.

“the houston guy says that he doesnt want to do it for under a thousand,” some complete babe smiled at her.

“tell him it’s three hundred or we’ll get it from mexico.”

i loved this woman. and she did it in heels!

we got on the elevator, she put her key in, turned it and pressed a button that ive never pressed before. B2. second basement. property room. otherwise known as the evidence room. at the xbi we dont really have “evidence,” we dont really go to court as xbi agents. we just have stuff that we’ve collected over the years that we use to get either more stuff or people or use as bribes or blackmail, extortion, etc.

ding. door opened. she smiled at the two guys who opened the door for her. that led down a little hall with a thick door and a tiny window. we could hear a phone ring in there. then the door opened. two more guys opened the door and had us each sign a sheet that hadnt been signed in two days. names id never seen before. when i handed back the pen, i was given a pair of rubber gloves and i snickered.

“one joke, sonny, and these two gentlemen will hold you as i pummel you,” she said. thats when they snickered.

i thought to myself, “you dont have to have them hold me down, baby.”

“i heard that,” she said. and tapped her esp earpiece.

creeped out, i started humming “hot in herrre.” by nelly, bitch.

stepped into one of the many evidence rooms. was instructed not to touch anything, a beanie with a propellor on the top cuaght my eye and i put it on as i followed her down the aisle.

she turned around and i prentended everything was fine.

“take that off immediately, agent.” she said.

“take what off?”

“thats a Lying Hat.” she warned.

“then it’s worthless cuz ive never told a lie in my life.” i said.

and the propellor started to spin and a tiny toy monkey appeared from within the propellor’s center, did a little jig, and just as quickly, retreated back into the cap.

“im here to ask you your advice on this new item,” she said. i kept the cap on. i wanted her to love me.

“this,” she said, “is 2-minute Acid.”

“LSD?”

“yes.” she said. “it works for two minutes and wears off.”

“i dont think theres any use for that.” i said.

my propellor spun and the monkey appeared and began breakdancing, finished with a headspin and sunk back into the cap.

“you’re going to wear out the batteries.” she said.

i took off the cap and she said, “no, no, no. leave it on. you look cute in it.”

so i left it on.

i would just shoot everyone.

id be in business with the saloon and the whore house on top of it. id sit in the front row of church and sometimes speak.

id have quick draw duels in the streets at high noon.

and id have different laws for black people than for white people.

id probably be a danger to my town and at the same time totally loved by my base.

after i died theyred probably be heroic folk songs about me, but when people who were still alive to remember me reminisced theyd say but you know, in real life he was sorta a pain in the ass to be around.

not that fun.

i have so many faults that i get them stoned so that theyre less effective.

i have shut off so much of what could hurt me that there i was at the hbo party last night and all i could think of is, how come theres no shrimp?

and dj am was, eh at best. sorta disappointing.

but there are still ways at me.

theres still ways to get me to feel emotion.

worst of all things.

one is to poison me. which is what the xbi did a long time ago and what carls jr tried to do last night when i drove home, and my landlord with whatevers in my water.

one is to lie to me in the comments of the holiest of all, the busblog.

and one is to cancel on me for something super cool. namely sushi.

i have so many faults that some of them have middle names.

how can i be 101 years old and have accomplished pretty much nothing in the game of life other than the ability to wear pajamas to work and finger canadians

as if thats an accomplishment

as if theres a nation where the women dont enjoy a roaming hand on a long drive to omg omg stop wait higher

the xbi explained that emotions will get you killed. it will fuel you in inappropriate ways, and fuck up your prime directive, which is to save the world. its very difficult to save the world if youre pissed off cuz someone called you a name in your comments.

or cuz some girl wants to wash her hair instead of be with you

you are not who you think you are

agent.

you are less.

bones built in you. flesh filled.
blood brims the curse.

emptiness says the buddhists.
nothingness says the wise

when the rich prince asked jesus whats next
He said get rid of everything

which
one would think includes
anger
and sorrow
and distrust
and hurt

and expectations of any sort
even that you will live one more hour

and if i was sheriff and some smartass said that to me
id shoot that motherfucker right in the damn mouth.

because the mtv vmas are such a big deal to me, i totally didnt even pay that much attention to the emmy after party invite that i got.

first i had received an email from my old employer Philips. they wanted me to go to their after party and i was all awwww philips, the first big job i got out of college, fine i will go.

and then i got the details and i saw that Directv was joining in on the party and DJ AM was gonna be spinning the steel wheels.

so i got a lovely contributer of LAist to join me and i got sorta dressed up but i took it down a notch. and then i saw on the invite that it was “formal” attire so i took off my leather one stars and put on my Black leather one stars, got in the car and picked her up.

tonight i would be rolling with Sarah A., a beatiful girl who i believe is half persian and half latin. excellent combo and because she works in the PR industry or marketing or something, she was sorta used to the spectacle that we were about to get involved in.

turns out we were invited the the HBO after-party, and HBO, as you know wins a lot of emmys thanks to the Sopranos and all the other killer shit thats on that station.

the place was super organized, there was food everywhere, and free booze flowing in every nook and cranny.

in the middle of it all was this dome structure and the only way you could get in the dome was thru this crazy revolving door. inside the dome was the DJ and more food and more drink./

eventually miss paris hilton was dancing in there and with her went the flashbulbs and girls who wanted their pic taken with her.

but all around were people in oscar gowns and tuxes and a few people carrying around these huuuuge awards.

it was the classiest event ive ever been to outside of a wedding, and it was at the same time refreshingly laid back. people werent doing business as much as they were celebrating and enjoying the night.

tony kanal from no doubt was there looking handsome but bored. the bald dude from sex and the city the guy who left his tea bags around all the time, he was there getting love from the ladies. scary spice was there with her handsome dude.

and my two bros, max and jason, from Current TV were there, high off the fact that Current won an Emmy and Al Gore got to accept it.

so a really good night all around. some of which was due to ive never seen so many tall gorgeous models dancing in one place before. some of which was due to ive never seen an outdoor party laid out so perfectly with couches and dessert stands and more bars than you need. and some of which was due to the fact that sarah was the perfect person to go to something like this with, she enjoyed dancing, she looked hot, and she was totally cool with going with the flow.

rarely do i go out into the night and dress up. and here it is two weekends in a row, but it will be the last for a while. its fun but fun because its rare.

i also saw andy dick, frankie munoz, and the main lady from weeds. they all say hi.