who was so loving, and lovable, and sweet

and i swear to you i tried

but i fucked it all up

even when it was over and she reached out

i didnt know what to do

and i am so sorry. i wish you could know how sorry i am.

i think about her more now than ever

but what good is that?

how could i have been different? what could i have done?

are some problems unfixable?

no i dont think so. i think there are always solutions. always.

she was right here for years. right here every night.

im trying to think, other than a few rare exceptions we were right next to each other every night.

why couldnt i fix it

i was nervous that if we ever broke up she wouldnt be able to pull it off

she was soooooo good at work, i said to myself, of course she can

or she will meet some handsome rich guy and that’ll do it

but no

no

no

with a friend

who a while back got naked with me

and who now is married

and puts up with my lunacy.

we hardly ever talk, shes extremely successful

i am snot

and she said whats the problem, really

i said, i want to do some wild ass shit like for real

she said tell me all of it

and i said

[which was inappropriate]

and she said thats ok

i said it is

she said it is

and over time i went from all wound up

to actually super relaxed

in part because i cried a little on the phone

and i was able to get out all these emotions and testosterone

and let them fly out of my mouth

and after a while it was just me and her

so we talked about brahms

and how come he couldnt get the heck outta vienna

so he could be gay like he was born

it was very nice

then i went outside and talked to the parking ticket officer

and then the security for the church

and then i hosted a two hour online tribute to amber

with special guests ambers mom and sister

whole bunch of her hotel coworkers were there

i was basically the mc

i knew many of their names and when they talked about which hotel they worked with her at, i connected the dots and asked questions

one woman had written the sweetest rememberance

“amber was my friend. we would hike. i dont go any more. we used to go to zumba. she was my friend…”

she had broken english and it was adorable and heartbreaking all at once

i watched some youtube videos amber had made of me driving her around during the pandemic

it made me miss her so very much

i know shes in heaven

i hope she remembers me

today we are going to have a virtual memorial service for amber

ive been looking at pictures all week bc i am a crazy person

i miss her very much.

i get very emotional.

this astrologer lady says im gonna get into some fights in the next few days

so im thinking i should probably limit my social media usage

and maybe not uber

bc im so sensitive right now i dont wanna get in any fights

gonna cry like a baby later today at this memorial, i know

i wish i had done better

we spent sooooo much time together trapped in the apartment during covid

i miss her

so much

Amber and I were together from the entirety of the Trump administration. She moved in when he “won” and she left during the Insurrection. We were fighting and I turned on the news and I couldn’t believe what was happening.

She was all, is that more important than us? I was like, they’re trying to hang Mike Pence!

Speaking of drunk, we texted before we dated. During that getting to know each other she revealed she was sober. So on our first two dates I took her places like concerts or ballgames and I didn’t drink either bc I didn’t want it in her face.

I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t have my liquid courage. I realized I hadn’t made a first move on a date completely sober since I was in high school.

But also I feel most of my dates also included the woman also getting loose in one way or another to deaden the pain.

Finally we were at a Kiss concert and the two story lights flashed Kiss during Black Diamond, so I went for it. During that time she also wore very high heels. My first gf was tall. I didn’t give one bleep.

My mom wants me to cut down on the swear words.

Yesterday she reluctantly gave in to a 90 minute podcast with me.

We talked about giving birth to me, the men she dated when she got divorced, if men were pigs at work to this 31 year old newly single brown skinned woman [spoiler: “so many of them would have been Me Tooed”].

Next week I’m gonna edit it and put it on YouTube. I feel weird about Spotify. I’m an idealist, why am I letting Spotify- a company who steals from my favorite ppl: musicians – hold my most prized possession, my podcast?

So I’m going to make sure my YouTube account gets some of these side interviews I’m sure I’ll do more of in the future.

I only cried a little over Amber today. Once when I was driving my mom to get her nails done. She was concerned we would crash.

I said, Amber knows I’ve still got shit to do down here. She’s looking out for me.

Language Tony! My mom huffed.