so at 1am i got back on the road.

i had already hit the 75 trip bonus level, but i was worried about my acceptance rate,

so i didnt mind doing a few more uber x rides, as long as no one puked.

got the four most beautiful asian girls ive ever seen in my life.

angels or demons, hard to tell but they laughed as i tried to pronounce the korean club they were going to

“is there a model convention going on right now?” i asked and they laughed more.

one of the three in the back said, “we’re not a model but sunny is.” and the girl next to me smiled.

she wasnt kidding.

not only was she dressed immaculately but she had this glow – and she was so nice

they were all so nice.

after dropping them off i got an asian dude. he too was super nice, complementing my car.

“benz is for the passenger but bmw is for driver. bmw fast. responsive. quick. mercedes feels like pillows. sturdy but soft. i feel very good back here.”

then he went on to tell me about how he has a series three bmw and he enjoys drinking and driving with his many girlfriends.

i told him that i was judging him in my heart.

he argued that it wasnt his fault, that all of his girlfriends were jealous types and wanted him near them at all times.

i said, it is tough to be a man sometimes, but we must also be

gentle

men, and step one of that is to

earn enough money that when it is time to call an uber, an uber is called.

aint nothing easier at shutting down a braggart than suggesting he acts a fool because hes broke.

but alas, this young man was also drunk. not dangerously so, but, indeed…

he went on to tell me that one of his three is european but american and he is considering marrying her

because he is not an american, and he desires citizenship. in the usa.

i said, well for sure you shouldnt drink and drive because that might keep you from being able to live here

the law hates drunk drivers, especially youngins driving expensive imports.

and the gentleman said

you are probably the smartest uber driver ive ever had.

and i said

duhhhhhhhhh

all day, all night, in a dad car, in a smelly shirt, with taco bell tacos in the glove box

because no one else would if i didnt

because i dont give two craps why the caged bird whines

because rock in roll is dying and im a little drummer boy

rat a tat tat

my cats are excited im home. i tell them daddy took 24 people places today

but all they care about is did i bring them treats back from the war

girl cat is all tony why do you do  the things you do

i say because pete rose led by example because walter payton died of a broken heart

because mother theresa was called names by christopher bitchens

because i know that for once in my life im the best at something

bettern anyone from sea to shining sea

and actually it’s the opposite of lonely at the top.

and she says but seriously did you bring us anything

and i say heres some 8 hour old sushi rolls and if you dont eat em

imma

because of – and only because of – this promotion Uber is running, i have been driving non-surge uber x trips with my benz and it’s pathetic.

i drove over 6 hours yesterday from hollywood to the beach and back several times. up in the hills… everywhere. $60.

12 trips, $60. that means i pocketed about $5 a ride.

fortunately a super beautiful tall black model tipped me $10 after i showed her the hooka spots on hollywood blvd.

and a wealthy lawyer from los feliz tipped me $10 after i told him he fascinating tale of Griffith W. Griffith which he will probably now turn into a major motion picture starring Steve Buchemi with music from Tom Waits.

im doing it because the goal seems impossible: do 75 trips and if you do you get $500.

im a weirdo about goals. i love to attain them.

probably because the love of my life, The Chicago Cubs, has never attained the only goal that matters in my lifetime.

you drive people places and you think, surely this is worth some money and you see it was worth a fraction and you look at yourself in the mirror and you say, Uber is pulling a Digg. they are shooting themselves in the foot – intentionally, for no good reason. this is an unforced foul. they are on top of the world, everyone loves them, they are bleeding money, therefor the most obvious thing to do is Increase fares so the good drivers will stay

but instead they continue to lower the fares which means only the desperate will be drivers

and as we know, the drivers are not just the face of the company, they are the key to the product.

they are the product.

imagine a cow thats being fed the worst, cheapest food and only a sprinkle of water. what sort of hamburger will they produce?

people are blown away by my car, my attitude, my tales, my routes, my smooth rides, my killer tunes, water, phone charger, and sage advice for the broken hearted.

this is what Uber needs to foster more of, instead they chase us away with their laughable fares.

i took these two dudes from the Hollywood Palladium to Brennan’s in Venice, home of the famous turtle races.

i got paid $16 for the pleasure of the cross town journey.

a little more than a year ago that was double, as it should be, and no one cared. why? because it was still nearly half of what it cost for a cab.

and it was better. and i played zep the whole time until the dude from philly said Hey this is the 20th anniversary of Biggie’s death, so i played Mo Money Mo Problems and we all sang along.

the fat lady is gonna sing for your favorite ride sharing app if the fares dont go back up to where they were when people still thought it was cheap.

right now it’s ridic and if it was a car it would get pulled over for suspicion of being on drugs.