most people dont know that i have a brother. i do. hes xbi, but more specifically east coast xbi, which is why i keep it on the dippty down low.

dc is a freaky place because everyone is army navy secret service pentagon fbi cia and of course xbi. if you know how to read license plates your mind will blow when you get around the beltway and the reason i had to take yesterday off from writing is centered around that so lets just move on to another subject.

most people dont know that real close to the white house is dc’s chinatown. shit i cant really talk about that either so…

the thing i liked the best about this trip back to my birthplace was it was hot. it was 90 degrees friends. i wanted to see thomas jefferson’s memorial because there are a lot of overlooked memorials and his is probably the most overlooked because its just him standing up in a big ass dome.

i also like his memorial because he was really the only president that not only owned slaves but regularily got it on with them while writing about how every man should be free in america. the hypocracy and paradox is still evident today in the US and i just wanted to pop in his monument to get some sweet vibes from that energy.

but before i went in i noticed that my balls were sweating like a bitch because it was not just hot but also humid due to the oncoming storm that was a day away. so i pulled into an abandonded parking lot that would have been filled if it was the summer and i took off my pants in my car and underwear and put on a fresh pair of boxers and my shorts.

of course right at that moment a metra subway line comes roaring out of nowhere and everyone on the train got to see my better half. i sorta laughed for a sec when another train going the other direction flew out of a tunnel.

i put my shorts on and drove out of there in fear that i would be busted for exposing myself to the world.

after i met my bro at his current stakeout we had dinner and drinks and caught up a little and then i hit the road south by southwest on my way back home. after all this time heading east today i turned the corner.

as always i got a little drowsy right when i started driving, which made sense after a dinner of crab cakes and a tall glass of beer, but a giant coke and a small order of mcdonalds fries picked me up again and i was good. i drove all the way to right outside roanoke virginia where i am now for the night.

its 444am, im bummed i missed Lost but stoked that ABC will have it online tomorrow night when i hope to be close to memphis TN. at $50 a night i would stay here an extra day just to write and work but theres bugs crawling all over the walls – not a lot – just three, and the woods are scary, and they dont have a hot tub.

and even though clipper girl called me today from a victoria secrets asking me what color thigh highs id like to see her in on my return, purple, i wouldnt mind being on the road for about fifteen more months.

i have cockroaches in my suite. not so sweet. the car dude tried to rip me off and sell me struts and a tune up and an oil change and put a battery in there without my ok. said he fixed the horn but he didnt fix the horn.

all i know is somehow i got out of there for $134 with a new battery which is outrageous but the car runs fine and im done. aj knew the dude was badnews and she was right.

last night she and i and danette all went to this great ethiopean place in the village. shes into all these exotic foods. aka not mcdonalds. so i suggested ethiopean cuz you get to eat with your hands. the service was as slow as they expected which was super weird cuz its a tiny place. but the food was kickass. afterwards we went to this really great dessert place and saw some dudes straight outta the sopranos. but when theyre real theyre scarier.

aj was super good to me while i was in ny. let me sleep in her bed. gave me keys to her pad. gave me her latest poetry book. and today i believe is danettes 24th birthday so happy birthday baby.

i got a shitton of work done at the fish n chips place as i waited for my car to get fixed. it really shouldnt take three hours to get a battery installed but thats how you work when you want me to report you to AAA.

got on the bridge as per AJs instructions, got on the other bridge, then drove through jersey and then delaware. tolls like mad. i musta paid $20 in tolls. when im president that shits outlawed. all through the west theres no tolls. except on a few bridges like the bay bridge and the golden gate. but those seriously do need maintence all the time. some of these roads were like five miles pay me.

i took a little nap about an hour into my drive outta ny cuz i was so stressed from the auto dude and had to relax but you really cant relax sleeping in a car after youve been driving cuz you dream that youre driving and sleeping. ps i hate dreams.

so here i am in baltimore or anapolis or somewhere. not really sure, all the hotels were super expensive but this was the cheapest at $114. i dont care though. i jsut want to wake up early and take in some of the sights for you then post the pics and move on to the dirty south.

while at the fish n chips the people there said i really should drive through mississippi even though everyone i know says stay away. and i dont care if i die so why not. when i dissed mississip the bartender pulled out his drivers liscense and there it was, mississip. he says dont believe the hype, that its beautiful. and definately the way to go when going to new orleans. a woman at the bar agreed and she used to live in memphis which is where im pointed to.

to get there i have to drive through knoxville which is where Philips used to be headquartered. i still have sore feelings about that company cuz they layed me off a while back and didnt do it very nicely. they tried to bring up all this shit that wasnt even true. “we understand you own Lick.com” shit i wish i said. bullshit like that. it was my first big job after college. i guess it taught me to expect some crappy crap in life.

like mechanics who like to cheat, and suites that arent so suite, and chicks who dont wanna play hide the salami, and congressmen who run and hide to rehab when theyve been representing a party who always seems to be super dirty and shady but never seems to get busted for it. the other day drudge said it was the boys’ fault.

anyways enough politics, im in dc now, just art and love and music.

my car wont start

so im here at a local fish and chips place listening to Brit Rock and not watching the AL playoffs. instead im working on LAist stories and uploading videos on a site a commentor recommended called JumpCut, which it appears was recently aquired by Yahoo.

I wrote YouTube and asked them why my videos were always out of sync and they said it had something to do with Codecs, but JumpCut seems to have no problem turning my Canon generated content to proper web videos, so Jump Cut it is.

the Shell Station that AAA towed me to got very bad ratings by AJ who said that they ripped her off, so whereever you are say a little prayer for your boy because its not like im made outta money and these dudes sorta have me over a barrel so to speak.

if i can get out of here by 4:20 i hope to make it to my birthplace by 9pm. the problem seems to be electrical as the battery and alternator are fine. i knew something fishy was going on when i couldnt honk my horn, a problem in ny lemme tell ya.

yesterday i worked till 2pm, then took the subway to central park, then walked around and took pictures like a tourist of pretty much everything. theyve got rocks in central park. i dont know if man put them or God, but theyre there and its good because some people would rather sit on rocks than on the soft green grass. i guess thats one of the nice things about this city, for those who want to sit on hard rocks, they can, for those who want to sit on soft grass they can, and for those of us who like to sit on park benches with the old men we got that going for us too.

i like this fish n chippery because they dont bother you when youre sitting there typing your heart away. they figure if you need something you’ll say something.

i also like it that they have a plastic tomato for the catsup.

at this point i sorta wish i had stolen that corvette back in iowa.

central park

free wifi in central park

you like it here cuz the weathers perfect. you feel safe here cuz of all the witnesses. you eat here cuz its delicious an who doesnt love hot nuts?

i had a street hot dog before my drinks with the publisher. then i had a slice at Joe’s after i was pleasantly buzzed and had deposited my check. i get paid once a month. a fat check. a check that seems like it should be fatter but its actually just right im just getting greedy. and foolish.

i should never stay in a hotel over $100. i should never spend more than $50 on rounds of drinks. i should quit giving the homeless everything i have, but i feel better for some reason giving people my money than giving it to myself. lord only knows why.

because i dont know any better im typing you from a starbucks near bleeker street. after the pizza i walked around like a tourist and took pictures of everything in the dark. i found the starbucks because i knew i could plug in and later take a dump. so they got me to pay for a bottled water and a $2 slice of brownie with espresso chips. i hate all things coffee flavored but this wasnt bad.

at first i was reading my email and doing LAist stuff and listening to this 18 yr old girl with a HEAVY ny accent talk to her handsome bf. he was bored out of his mind but she was so damn cute that both of us tolerated it. then her mom called and she stepped out side and talked to her while sitting next to him on the other side of the glass revealing her lowerback tattoo.

now two married couples are talking about married couple things. am i crazy to Never want to talk about married couple things? once upon a time i was all about that. now im so not about that. i want to talk about love slaves and box seats and low end restuarants and sexual positions. maybe i will be persuaded to talk about the pysics of a curveball or novels but potty training and child pyschyiatrists in frisco and blackberrys? no thanks tom hanks.

it just turned midnight and im pooped from drinking and walking and carrying my laptop around my back. if i lived here id be in the best shape cuz you walk everywhere and id be carrying this laptop everywhere. my man in chicago says that he might hook me up with a smaller laptop one day and i totally could use that. but this workout is fine. in fact its better than fine.

say what you want about soho but it was pretty sweet-o. these two superhot japanese girls apologized to me and jake for interrupting us and asked us where a good italian restaurant was. thats pretty close to asking magic johnson where the nearby sports arena is. after he gave them two options including the names of the chefs who make them good, i said, dude if you werent married i would have said, “italian? just your luck ladies WE were about to go have some pasta ourselves. please, be our guests.” the babes were that hot.

basically everyone here is that hot. i could be hallucinating but i havent seen an ugly girl in two days. pretty amazing. tomorrow night the bears play. i want to cover them for LAist since we dont have a football team. the kids would freak out and protest like mad but sometimes you have to rattle the cage.

i have no idea how to get back to brooklyn. i have no idea where i am. i have no idea what im doing tomorrow other than going to AOL/Time Warner and hanging out with the Fat Man, but i do know that i’ll be drinking.

my birthday is in three weeks.

good shit or bad. you can try. i guess thats what writers do. they try to explain shit. but it doesnt stop the shit from happening.

you can be a trained salesman. you can be a trained cop. you can be a trained fireman but tick tock it dont stop. people are gonna still say sorry just looking, or people are still gonna rob shit, and shits still gonna catch fire.

the biggest mistake a writer can make is thinking that he can write something that will help people not make the same mistakes that he made. map makers have the same problem. they can show you the road that leads to the bottomless pit and you can mark it bottomless pit but all that ever does is make people want to go to the bottomless pit and now they know the directions.

her name was anna. she lived by the sea. she claimed to read no one but me.

i ate really good last night. i ate italian made from actual italians in a place thats been around since 1818. almost as old as me. it was a place where sailors would come after theyve been at sea on wooden boats. after they drank at the bars and paid for love and cleaned up a little. i pissed in the tiny but really clean bathroom and i wondered how many people barfed pissed and kissed in that john. i wondered how many hands touched that door handle. i wondered how many stories they had to tell.

i took my left overs and gave them to a man passed out in the subway station. he had two shopping bags with him and a wool cap over his eyes. shrimp mariana i told him but he didnt wake up. warm buns and spaghetti i whispered but he snoozed and dreamed of the grand canyon i bet.

amy had eaten with me and she asked me what the nxt big tony pierce thing was. i said i just got a job and i love it. she said yes but its just a blog. i was all baby here we are on an island that the indians thought was just worth some beads. she said good point so what after the blog. i said first i want that blog to be the biggest and best in LA. i want it to make the LA Times jealous. i want it to influence everyone around us. i want it to be the thing that helps writers go on to bigger and better. she said good good but what about for tony.

it was so hard to believe that one of my smartest friends couldnt see that tony was being totally taken care of by that blog. there i was on the road working. there i was eating shrimp and drinking booze and laughing with 100 year old waitresses. for the exception of the ladies who had been jackhammering my heart, this was a trip dreams are made of.

i have no aspirations other than tell the continuing story of LA. while kissing girls out of my league. while striking out across this great land. while sleeping late and wearing dumb clothes and getting closer to the end, which is in itself just the begining of that bottomless pit.

and prettier and nicer and id drive a blacker car.

if life was fair when girls say i read your blog every day, usually twice a day, theyd follow it up with and now im gonna kiss you. if life was fair id have interns writing this shit.

on my radio in my car, a car i wish i was in right now, driving me out of town, they have the e! channel. yes on the radio. and the other day when i was in connecticiut they were telling the true hollywood story of frank sinatra. and frank they said cried a lot. all the time. and when he was done crying hed write a sad song.

everyone loves the chairman of the board but if thats what it takes to write well then i will be stay satisfied with writing poorly. im not going to sigh over eva gardener, and i sure as hell aint gonna cry over anna kournikova or clipper girl or even cipper girls cousin for that matter.

or at least i wont show it on the blog.

what i will do is stay in amazement that one fellow who is supposedly liked by all these women has the hardest time with pretty much all of them.

but they say nice things when i arrive and they say nice things when i get the fuck out. both are not what im looking for, which is for them to say dirty thing during.

sometimes you just wanna go home. sometimes you just want your big old bed andn your big old tv and your big old fridge filled with cold air and promises.

sometimes you just want to build a basement and hide out.

no one believes tahat im shy no one believes i have feelings no one believes that rules, just like records, are meant to be broken.

im exhausted. i walked a lot today. i was rejected again today. i was heartbroken again today,

now i just want to sleep and not wake up until april. ’09

they say you shouldnt grocery shop when youre hungry. you probably also shouldnt come to new york if youre single. everything looks delicious. everything looks lovely. everything looks good enough to walk up to and say hi my name is my name is my name is wickawicka.

for some reason i was intimadated in coming into manhattan the other day which is why i spent the night in Conn instead of NYX. if felt like i had to get my hair cut correct like anthony mason. i felt like i had to get my laundry done. like i had to get my car washed waxed and detailed. i felt like i had to get all the miscellaneious shit out of my ride so some crackhead wouldnt say oh look its bob dylans blood on the tracks on 8track i gotta break this fools window and snatch it.

however when i turned the corner and rose up from the on ramp and saw the skyscrapers in the horizon i let out a huge scream and said NEW YAWK WOOT WOOT.

then i got scared again, then i judged everyone again and said how do these people live here. why would they live here. its so expensive. the freeways arent free. they just charged me 4.50 to go across a bridge whose name ive never heard of. the crime. the traffic. the overcrowding.

then i got off in manhattan and i couldnt find a place to park. then i found a place to park and i couldnt find a place to pee. then i found a place to pee and i couldnt find a place to sit down. and then i found a place to park for $27 and i found bicycle mark and we walked around for maybe 4 minutes tops and i said

i want to live here. forever.

every girl was hotter than the next. every girl smiled when i smiled back. every person looked intense and serious. except for the old ladies and kids. everyone was cool. everyone honked as they drove. i loved it. and everyone was dressed amazing. it was warm here yesterday. i had to turn on my ac as i drove around.

the pedistrians have no fear of jaywalking so if youre driving down the road there are tons of people on each side waiting to run across the street. its anarchy. if you hesitate you get cut off. so after about 2 minutes i started cutting people off as a howdoyoudo. they loved it and honked in approval. i think it was approval.

mark and i walked around union square looking for the new trader joes that just opened, but all we could find is the new whole foods that just opened. so then we walked to cooper union to meet some dutch friends of his. turned out one of the guys Sebastian was one of the guys that signed me up for the Bloggers in Amsterdam trip that i took in February where they sent me to holland for a week and put me up in a 5 star hotel and allowed me to meet cool people including bicycle mark and my secret black girlfriend JaG.

so we drank dutch beer at a wine bar on st. marks and 1st and karisa called me and ashley* called me and the hot babe from tonight called me and the dutch travel board probably thought i was cooler than i am which is nice and then i had to leave to get picked up by aj who teaches right off union square. and she looked amazing and because i had been drinking i let her drive which was a smart idea cuz whoa man were people agressive during rush hour.

and we passed CBGBs which is still open somehow! and we went over a big bridge and we were in brooklyn and then we were at her pad and then we were eating and drinking and smoking and thai was consumed, and then sean wallace appeared from the basement appartment and then we saw AJs killer documentary about health professionals who teach gynocological skills to young doctors by letting the doctors practice on them. like breast exams and pap smears. very intense. sorta funny. AJ asked how i liked it and i said i dont remember much because the one lady had huge bazooms and i was all distracted and she punched me in the shoulder. but i was just being honest.

at midnight i was exhausted. but i still knocked out some LAist stuff and went to bed at 1am and slept until 6am until i thought i heard my phone. but it wasnt. then i went to sleep again until 9am until i thought i heard a huge bulldozer. and it was just ford prefect. and then i heard another huge bulldozer and it was just a house they were working on. lots of construction. but i went back to sleep and at 4pm i will walk with amy collins slash langfield across the brooklyn bridge to manhattan.

and tomorrow i will meet one of my bosses. and she will give me my check for the month and tonight i will party with a young asian girl whose roommate molested me the last time i was here. and i will take pictures for you because youre worth it.

photos by Gothamist because buzznet is being poopy and i cant upload for some reason

when denzel said we didnt land on plymouth rock, that it landed on us, he may have been right. the rock is tiny. a circus strong man could have lifted it over his head. its a dissapointing example of how size matters.

i wrote more about it on LAist this morning and even provided video for your ass.

hi. im in connecticuit. when i logged on to the web at new london karisa told me to turn around and stay at mystic, but the sun was still up so i kept driving. like a fool. always listen to karisa.

what i wanted to do was get as close to NY as possible so i could get a good nights sleep for once and wash my clothes and clean my car and have a good meal.

originally the plan was to make it to brooklyn by now but Plymouth fucking Rock wasnt easy to get to and then i got lost getting out of it and my bowels didnt agree with me so i was making some pit stops. tmi but whatever. all i have to say is thank you mcdonalds for always having relatively clean mens rooms.

so i made it to somewhere but then my mom called and said i should go to new haven to see yale and i was all didnt george bush go there? and she said but i heard its beautiful. so i kept driving and stopped in new haven in front of a Best Western and did what i always do, i looked at the reviews that the hotel got off Google and it got lousy reviews so i kept driving.

what i do is i go to Google Maps, type in the town that i want to be in, then “choose businesses” and type in “motels”. not only does it show you where they are in relation to the freeways but it also gives you the phone numbers, the approximate prices, and the reviews. some of the reviews are obviously written by the staff, and some are two-three years old, but you get the gist.

what i really needed was a place with a laundry because when you travel light you need to do laundry once a week. no questions asked. so i was willing to pay $109 for the marriot residence inn here in spectacular Milford, but right next door was the SpringHill Suites by Marriot so i walked in and asked them how much and they said for you $115, so yeah $6 more gets me a suite, sweet.

they had not just one washer dryer but three. so i went for it. as i had all my clothes in there i walked around in my bathing suit and my robe and figured that this would be a good time to take a dip in the hot tub, and america, it was delightful. then i switched the clothes into the dryer and i realized now all i had were wet swim trunks and a robe. nice work einstein. of course the clothes needed two runs in the dryer so i sat in my room in wet trunks for over an hour writing, surfing, chatting ect. but whatever. however i really could have used a joint.

what i got was out of the laundry room at midnight. then i drove around milford/stratford for another half hour looking for food places and got lost, of course, and stumbled across and olde fashioned diner. i ordered the liver and bacon special to go and at 1am i was gorging like a pig. it was awesome. then i really wanted a joint but im straightedg-ish so i wrote some more and uploaded pics and thought of you and planned to meet with bicycle mark and went to bed at a reasonable 2:30am and here i am this morning telling you that new york im coming to get you baby.

and i resisted writing a piece of satire on LAist titled “TO Suicide Attempt Foiled By Promise of LA NFL Expansion Team”. see, wasnt that funny.