ok, enough with the “wink wink” emails.

just because im very happy and skipping down the street on a friday morning, early for work, eating muffins, doesnt mean that i got it on with my ex- last night, thank you!

not everyone needs that sort of action to feel like a million, perverts. loveable perverts. best perverts in the world.

chris and i are the best of friends, and im slowly getting the hint that she and i will never be together again, and that sort of realization isnt all so bad as long as we can continue to be the best of buddies. last night i got to her house before she did, and i hafta tell you, it’s pretty nice to be able to really make yourself feel at home when someone tells you to feel at home.

it was hot last night, even at the beach, so the first thing i did was take off my pants.

then i searched around her pajama drawer for some bottoms.

couldnt find any so i went into the bathroom, read half of a Jane magazine and stunk up that room pretty well.

then went to the fridge, nude, and cracked open a beer.

then turned on the tv and finally the stereo.

when she arrived i had found a clean shirt but no bottoms, all the lights of her house were on and was sitting on her new thousand dollar couch with a beer and a magazine about to light up, the tv had the laker/clipper game and the stereo had on this Chicago band called Menthol – who i love.

be careful who you invite to “make yourself at home.”

so why else am i happy? well, yesterday sara quoted me and kitty linked me, thats always great. but im disappointed that Genevieve’s Nerve personals dont allow HTML in their descriptions, as reported by KB. I’m sure theres a good reason for it.

why else smile? Large American Penis— obviously a nod to the Rabbit Blog’s url (www.tinylittlepenis.com) – wrote this on the 19th: Tony Pierce writes a bizarre, yet interesting blog. How he finds time to do all the HTML and find all the pictures is beyond me. Help him buy a car! He’s my newest link on the left.

Dear LAP,

As Sara quoted yesterday, in my humble opinion, if you have a great site thats updated all the time, you probably have a boring life. If your Blog is great, you probably have a dull job.

I try to break my own rule by having a sorta interesting life by HTMLing as fast as I can late at night – when I’m home.

The blog is done during my federally mandated 15 minute work breaks.

Thanks for the links,


Finally, some people have asked for the unedited transcript between myself and the 21-year-old Texan beauty, Jai. As you know, nothing in here is true, and the true parts are edited for entertainment and style. So even in a chat interview, I cleaned some stuff up and chopped out some chunks for presentation since the dialogue lasted a whopping 2 1/2 hours! Lucky for us, Jai posted the entire transcript and you can enjoy it yourself if you click this for part one and this for part two (we got disconnected).


happy birthday, drew barrymore

i hope your day is peachy today.

how was your yesterday, drew? mine was so pleasant i dont even know where to start. first let me say, that it is weird talking about good luck. when i was in college it was so easy to write sad stories and sad poems and tragedies and woe-is-me stuff and i suppose i thought that that was what good writing was all about.

but it’s not.

anyone can write a tragedy. anyone can build up a likeable character and make his life shit.

but to write about fun and love and friendships and happiness, and to do it in a way that isn’t dull and sappy and boastful and ridiculous is a tougher trick than you’d think, and if you dont believe me, look through the racks of Hallmark one day – closely – or flip through the movie section of the paper: the kids cant write a nice happy story to save their lives. which is one reason that i love Drew so much, because her sweet stories have never missed, in my humble opinion, especially The Wedding Singer, which is my favorite of hers, and Ever After, which comes in a close second.

this is the blog of an average man. i was walking from the oceanside loft of my former girlfriend this morning counting my lucky stars and thinking that my life could be better, but not much, and the lesson to you, dear reader, is anything nice that you find in these pages could be yours all yours because most of this fell in my lap – i didnt work at this, i didnt earn it, and Lord knows, I dont deserve it.

last night she made us stirfry as we watched the skating upset and we drank beers and smoked and i fell asleep in her lap after the gold medalist did her thing and she tried to wake me before Michelle Kwan took the ice, but im old, i was out.

last night we flipped between the Lakers and Frontline and the Olympics, but couldnt stay away from “The Glutton Bowl,” probably the most disgusting and wonderfully funny show I have seen this season.

The biggest eaters in America were given three minutes to eat the most hamburgers, hotdogs, sushi, mayonaise, butter, and beef tounge. The semi-finals had the men eat cow balls. Then for the finals they ate cow brains.

plates and plates of brains.

the young Japanese man who won the competetition was deemed by the hilarious announcers as “the Greatest Athelete in the World,” rightfully.

although i might be a close second for keeping my stir-fry down.

anyhow it’s beautiful here in los angeles today and im happy and i hope you are too and i am very honored that you have chosen to read this today and i hope that you have an incredible weekend and all your birthday wishes come true.

p.s. i just bit into my morning chocolate chip muffin and one of my fillings fell out, leaving me with a very sharp stump in the back of my mouth, so maybe i am not the luckiest man alive after all, but perhaps only now, sadly, in the top ten.

told you it’s easy to write tragedy.