is that so bad? i dont want to fight crime any more, or kiss girls any more, or take everyones paychecks in craps any more. at least not any more today. i just want to write.

i want to be away from here. but i dont have a car. i dont have a plane. i dont have chopper one because its getting a new deck. i dont have a skateboard. i dont have a pogo stick. i dont have a dream girl in a foreign land who can wait like ten seconds for me to get to her. i dont even have a pocketful of mischief. i need a weekend but im not even going to get that cuz the emmys are in town and all the coppers are going to be at the shrine and all the bad guys are going to be everywhere else and where theres bad theres the xbi and where theres the xbi theres me in the shadows telling people what to do. the field general. the qb. the master of puppets. the bullet in blue sky.

i dont want to be doing this any more. even though its exciting. even though its nice to know everything thats going on in this fair city at all times. even though it means that we can read your emails and listen to your phone convos and see through your house and xray vision through your frankie bs. all i want is a light at the end of the tunnel and if its a bud light im going to hurt someone.

i want i dont want i want i dont want. i sound like a baby. im not a baby. im someone who thought everything was going to be one way and then it turns out to be the total opposite, as in total as in toe tall. my buddy saw the black flag renuion at the palladium the other day and i had to pretend that i wasnt there but i was. and he told me that he booed and i told him that i woulda booed too. how can you have a black flag reunion in hollywood at the palladium and there be no rollins and no keith morris. you remember how great i told you keith was at sunset junction with the circle jerks.

twenty seven fifty and no rollins and no morris isnt punk rock, its reason to start a riot. and in my day thats exactly what we woulda done. especially if the palladium was involved. i remember so many fights there. one during the beasties run dmc grand master flash tour where there were fights before the show during and after. someone even stole grandmaster flashs shoes and after the show mike d had to get on the mic get get on the mic and say will whoever stole grandmaster flashs adidases please throw them back on the stage. and stuff was thrown but not that.

shit. they had just given us the right to party!

best part about chopper one being grounded and me having to work the field is that i dont have to shower. or shave. its my gameface. if im going to be walking around, not riding in a car, but walking, lurking, scheming, plotting, i like to be stinky and dirty and filthy and sweaty. i like to look like those around me on western avenue. i like to drink a little so i have some rum on my breath. that way when i ask someone where paco is they will think im one of them instead of one of us and they point to a half closed gargage door and i notice the tagging and i say, duh, of course.

sixth street loco lords.

you dont want to kick down a door smelling of dove. you want to kick down the door smelling of hate. its good to piss your pants sometimes. just a little bit. its good to wear shoes that have paint sprinkled on them so it looks like you stand outside of home depot in the dawns early light leaning up against a brick wall and rushing any car van or suv. its good to have stubble. its good to wear a three for ten dollar tshirt. its good to blend in. and its better to win.

we found our bad guy and he was watching fraternity life on mtv and all the shit was right next to him and his homies werent ready and we got them all and one of the guys wanted to shoot someone to send a message and i said paco my buddy wants to shoot somebody tell us who we should shoot and paco looked at his guys and the tension was unbelievable because the xbi doesnt fuck around and we have nobody to answer to but death and there hasnt been an xbi agent die since winter and it might have been one of us who did it so choose big man choose.

and paco looked to one of the guys and then at the other guy who was looking right at him and then at a third guy who was looking down showing his shaved head glimmering in the friday afternoon sunshine of thai town and then at another guy who was mumbling his prayers to himself cuz paco doesnt fuck around either full of tattoos almost all virgin marys amost all in spanish and almost all old and jailmade and he nodded his head at his buddy and we said him and he nodded and we said say his name and paco looked away and said the guys name and we said are you ready and the guy said softly fuck you paco man.

and we squeezed the trigger

and paco fell

and the others are now our bitches.

and i totally want a slurpee.

trueboy + j_e_g + rabbit

i did what i had to do she rang me and between sniffles asked somewhat hypothetically, tony, how many ways can a broken heart split.

i told her that the cubs could start losing, i told her that her stocks could drop, i could tell her that her looks could fade, i told her that her heel could break.

she said stop, please, stop.

i told her that her credit cards could get revoked.

i told her that her nails could chip.

i told her that her ass could get fat.

she said, enough.

i told her that her sister could get even prettier.

i told her that the paparazzi could ignore her, or worse, become mean.

i told her that this could have all just been a dream.

she asked why would they be mean?

i asked her why she was broken hearted and she said cuz of a dumb boy and i said what did he do and she said he said he didnt want me to be his girlfriend

and i said why did he say that and she said cuz he said that we were the wrong sign and i said hmmm well if youre the wrong sign youre the wrong sign and she started crying

i hate when girls cry.

especially when its all my fault.

so paris hung up and i called her back a few minutes later and she said what and i said paris and she said what and i said nevermind and she said no comeon what and i said you’ll find a way better man than me dont worry and she said everyone thinks im a skanky ho nobody is going to want me

and i said they dont think that and she said yes they do! they tell me that in email form all the time.

and i said, not everyone understands that stepping out of a limo in a short skirt no panties is the new black, and she said why do you make me fall for you with every word that rolls off your tongue tonypierce.com and i said i’ll be your boyfriend if i can also date your sister and she said gross and i said just for one night and she said shuttup and i said see we all have a line that we wont cross and she said i cant believe you

and then she started to laugh

and she said wait you were kidding right

and she laughed some more.

and then she told me that she would be over for lunch, for me to be ready at noon.

and after she hung up i wondered how does a man get ready for lunch.

but i think i know what she meant.

raymi + anti + jaime

make hellaaide.

sonny came over with a girl that i thought i knew but i didnt. then i realised i did. i forgot her name which is scary cuz i went out on not one date once upon a time but two with her. she sat there with her legs crossed and teeth showing looking at me the whole time and then finally after we were all done watching survivor and eating our hot fudge sundae featuring microwaved heated real hot fudge starring broken up peanuts sprinkled around the top and whipped cream, thank you, she said we saw lost in space the movie together that one night in anaheim and i said no shit. and then she said that we went to golf n stuff in ventura the next week and i said how could i forget. and she said, i wont ever.

ive got five more minutes to write you this morning. another flash from the past called me once they were gone, almost like people know what theyre doing. do you remember that episode of twilight zone where the aliens mess with peoples lights on the street? just the lights. they flick some on, and flick some off. some of the neighbors say whats going on that we have light and they dont. and the other neighbors say what do they have. and then they all start distrusting and getting all weird and in reality it was just the aliens. remember that one? that ones my life but instead of lights the aliens have hot chicks call me and come over and send gift boxes with varieties of cheese and the aliens try to figure out when im going to crack but all that ends up is i have discovered every type of cheese and you know what aliens

i fucking love cheese so keep switching on and off the bullshit all night long cuz this spaceman isnt ever gonna crack cuz this is my h0metown and im almost a hundred and ten and ive seen everything.

then ashley of all people called me and we actually talked for longer than we’ve talked in months and months and months and she sounded good and at one point she started to cry and she said im so sorry and i said if you cry im hanging up and she stopped and i wanted to tell her to listen to teenage fanclub but i’ll save that for a later day like maybe christmas.

in the middle of the night my red phone rang. thats the xbi. thats my boss. thats right i said 4am. he said i didnt have to come in tomorrow and do you know what that is. thats code for things are fucked up in the office be careful arriving. and do you remember when that xbi guy disappeared and we were nervous that he was ratting everyone out and we couldnt find him. well we found him.

yesterday.

and theres trouble at the heron house.

and when the lord gives you trouble.

mix it with gasoline.

and say yr prayers.

and this morning as i closed my thermos, i gave it one more tighter turn than i normally do.

cuz the shits going down today.

and somebodys gonna feel it.

and it just might be me.

virginia is for cubfans + chuck knows how to compliment a man + ewing blog

youd think id get better at accepting compliments, but today someone very nice said something very very nice and i said, i hope youre not lying.

tonight is the first night of survivor. one of my favorite shows. they threw everyone off the boat with their clothes on.

after they swam to shore, built their shelter, etc., this man, a very funny bearded hippy guy in his late 40s had one of the young ladies cut her dress in half so he could make a skirt with the bottom portion.

after he put on the skirt he hung his wet jeans on a tree branch and said, im never wearing those pants again.

i cant believe tomorrow is friday already.

i cant believe that finally a democrat stood up soberly,

raised his hand,

and when pointed at

called bullshit.

and i really cant believe

it was a kennedy.

but i can believe that the kennedy story has been up since 5pm, and here it is 7 hours later and drudge would rather lead you to hurricane stories, articles on how the new dem candidate – the general – would have backed the iraq war, and stories on how a woman sued after finding a tooth in her soup, and how another woman got $150k for a bad haircut. but he’s not going to tell you about one of the most famous democrats alive calling out the president

for fraud.

thats not interesting news, matt drudge?

what about the fact that kennedy speculated that the president of the united states was stealing up to $2 billion a month to bribe foreign countries to send troops to iraq.

seems to me that some readers might be even mildly curious as to why the elder statesman would accuse our president of such crimes.

are you waiting to hear what rush wants to say about it first?

towel boy to the rich.

theres always a time to sell out, of course,

but when you do it,

dont call yourself a journalist.

moxie + leah + emmanuelle

then you will believe that scientists just discovered that there were rodents the size of buffaloes roaming the earth at one point.

two young girls called me up the other day. fans.

by young i mean anyone under 109.

they had a lot of questions for me.

everyone always wants to know how old i really am.

i tell them the same lie i tell everyone, im 109 and in october i’ll be 110.

what does age matter, i asked them.

they giggled. girls like to giggle, ive noticed. girls of all ages. its sweet.

one of them said, the cops care. then giggled. which made the other full on laugh.

they asked if i had a girlfriend.

i said no.

they asked me why i didnt have one.

and i said cuz nobody likes me.

they said, we like you.

i said, nobody likes me more than a friend.

they both giggled.

then they asked me how old i was again.

i told them i was 18.

they said, no youre not.

then i got to ask them some things. first thing i asked them was how old they were.

they said they were 18.

i told them that lying on the phone is a federal offense.

they laughed and laughed and hung up.

someone called a few minutes later but the cubs were on. and i didnt pick up.

no words + so lonesome i could blog

I never meant 2 cause u any pain.

man i feel terrific today.

i was late for work but i dont care.

super hot chick got so dirty with me last night. id tell you more but it would make you blush.

so lets talk about taking matthew perrys picture last night.

first of all, i need a new camera.

secondly, matthew looked skinnier than i expected, but not unhealthily so.

i was there to support beyonce who asked me specifically to come to her premiere of her movie with cuba but she knows that i dont like cuba cuz i think he gives african americans a bad name because he always acts like a damn clown.

she says im too sensitive about that, and i tell her i cant help it.

so i went to the red carpet in the fans section and i waved at her and she looked spectacular in a sparkely dress that i would have liked to have captured with my canon s-40 but it likes to think before it clicks.

i need a camera that will click when i tell it to click.

i dont care what the picture looks like, just click, i will adjust it next time.

what happens is, by the time it figures out everything, the moment is gone or someone has moved in front of me or the security guards are yelling, or the lighting has changed.

i guess a man has to spend more than $500 on a good camera to get a good camera. if thats the case, then thats the case.

still i had a good time, and i walked to the subway and there was matthew perry with his girlfriend and i looped around and got my camera adjusted, or so i thought, and i said quietly so that the screaming fans who had their back turned to the Friends star couldnt hear, “matthew.”

he didnt seem to hear, so i got closer.

“matthew.”

at these times i wonder if im saying the wrong name, i was thinking, maybe it’s matt leblanc, but hey, thats matthew too, and he turned around and gave me a look like, here i am, what?

and i clicked and the flash didnt go off and its crappy but there it is.

better luck next time.

then i got molested by a hot babe and fell asleep in a heap.

snl dude + sk smith has a crush (dont tell dan) + ken layne and all my friends are making a cd!

tony.

mr. president.

im not sure i liked the way our last interview went. i was hoping you would do another interview with me.

anything for the president of the united states.

thank you. we may begin. ask me a question.

ok, how come gasoline prices are still close to $2 a gallon.

there was that blackout in the east coast.

isnt the blackout over?

there was also that war in iraq.

isnt the war over?

well, tony, the president doesnt really control oil prices.

so it’s a coincidence that you are from a family that became wealthy from oil, and as soon as you became president and during your time as president american oil prices have skyrocketed.

yes, it’s a coincidence.

is it also a coincidence that vice president cheney’s former company Halliburton the energy services giant, has been the big winner in our war against Iraq, by nabbing no-bid post-war contracts from the US Army?

that too is a coincidence.

so youre saying that it just so happened that the oil president and the energy vice president wound up in a situation where oil prices went sky high and energy issues crippled the north east and nearly bankrupted california.

well, i wouldnt put it that way, but i wouldnt blame us.

who would you blame then?

these things happen.

was there a peanut shortage when president carter was in office?

im sure that if there was, it wasn’t the president’s fault.

was saddam a major force behind 9/11?

tony, im glad you ask me that. i think the jury is still out.

vice president cheney on meet the press said yes, that saddam was a major force.

the vice president and i differ in that opinion.

what else do you and the vice president disagree on?

oh, lots of things. he’s a top, im a bottom, for example.

pardon me, sir?

sometimes when we go to camp david and want to pretend like we’re kids we like to sleep in bunk beds, i like the bottom.

if saddam wasnt a major player behind 9/11, why did we wage war on Iraq?

we believed that they had weapons of mass destruction, and that they harbored terrorists.

did you find any weapons yet?

no, no we havent.

when you look back at the war on iraq, do you consider it a mistake, a failure, or a success?

well, tony, saddam is no longer in power. his sons are dead an unable to torture the good people of iraq, and one of the hotbeds of terrorism has been crushed. so i would consider it a huge success.

is the $85 billion pricetag more than you expected?

freedom is priceless, my friend. and this is a low price that the american people will be happy to pay.

are you sure about that?

the people were in support of the war and theyre still in support of me, so what does that tell you?

your approval rating since 9/11/01 has dropped 40 points, what makes you believe that the us taxpayers are in support of you?

the smart ones support me. and thats all that i care about. and lucky for me only the smart ones vote.

do you feel better about this interview, mr. president.

much, thank you for letting me have this portion of the busblog this morning.

anytime.

sepi got me a birthday gift! from my amazon wishlist! thanks sooooooooooo much sepi!

the dude let me know yesterday and was real nice about it and even set me up with a contact of some other people.

it was my dream job and for some reason i really thought i was going to get it.

i dont tell you about my real life much, but i will today, cuz its a special day.

this summer it looked like i was going to have a chance to fly a chopper for the real hawaii 5-0. live in maui, wear an aloha shirt, and make the beaches safe in our 50th state.

maybe talking about it to some of my friends jinxed it but i dont believe in jinxes.

i do believe that dream jobs dont always happen when you expect them. just like how dream-anythings dont always happen just because you send off a few emails to your dream-place.

most of the coolest things that have happened to me happened despite the fact that i was trying to do something else.

i remember when my true love wanted to have sex with me for the second time ever. i didnt want to. i wanted to have sex with a different girl. my true love said, have a drink with me. i said, no. she said, come on, just a drink? i said ok. and then she got me drunnk and had wonderful sex with me and we were together for five years.

then there was the time that i didnt want to see Star Wars. i was a kid. i saw the ad on tv and it looked lame to me. then i went and it blew me away. i remember being little and right in the middle of the movie closing my eyes and saying a quickie little prayer to the lord saying thank you God thank you!

then there was the time that i didnt want to go to ucsb. i went to the campus, i looked around, and it looked crappy. plus they didnt have any good sports teams at the time. i wanted to go to ucla. i had gotten accepted into both of them. back then i was pumping gas in beverly hills and if i saw a ucla sticker on someones car id ask them how they liked it there and theyd say, oh its great. then i would ask someone with a ucsb sticker how they liked it there and they would say OMG IT WAS THE BEST TIME IN MY DAMN LIFE. and they would write down a phone number or ten of people they know there who i should befriend. so i went to ucsb and now im the one who says omg.

so all these lessons have taught me that i should just go with the flow. which i pretty much do. and if i have to hang out in hollywood surrounded by all my friends then i guess thats what i’ll have to do.

the hawaii 5-0 were even nice enough to give me a lead for a different job that would probably double the salary that i have now and allow me to be way more creative than i get to be in my paying gig, and you know what, God bless them for being that cool. rarely do you get that sort of treatment here in the mainland.

they said that there might be a chance in the future to fly one of their birds for them, but to remember that island time is a much slower clock than anywhere else and i can deal with that.

so last night me and karisa sat on one of the L’s in the hollywood sign, far above the clouds, and tried to think of ideas on how to make the rest of this calendar year liveable. first thing she suggested was that i come out with a sequel to last years best selling Blook. then she said that i should start dating some new girls. then she said that i should probably just scrape together some of my savings and suck it up and get a car.

then she passed me the 40 and said, but you know what, why dont you just keep doing what youre doing cuz its really great.

then we went to her house and she made a whole chicken and we watched the queer guys.

cubs won.

oliver willis + leah + katie hall