dont quit your gay job

by tony pierce

america’s sweetheart, james guckert, aka jeff gannon, aka bulldog, aka eight inches cut, was given the shaft by the white house last month when they yanked his daily day passes to the west wing press room.

what jimjeff doesnt seem to grasp is nobody ever had a problem with him specifically. the problem was that the Executive Branch was sneaking in a gay male hooker into the white house for the sole purpose of lobbing softballs to the press secretary and the president

for purposes of propaganda.

somehow jimjeff doesnt understand that he was simply the tool. we have no problems with tools. most of us either deal with tools every day or we use tools. he was used by BushCo, but for some reason he doesnt see that.

so yesterday he wrote the cutest piece of lovey dovey propaganda that he titled

Bush: Freedom is the Direction of History

before you say, wtf does that mean, just know that it’s hard to tell whether guckert wrote the blogpost to prove that he is a real journalist or a real columnist, or to prove that hes bored out of his mind.

WASHINGTON ( President Bush delivered a major address at National Defense University Tuesday, pointing to the advance of democratic principles in the Middle East as proof of success in combating global terrorism. Speaking at Fort McNair in Washington, the President reiterated his commitment to promoting liberty around the world.

at first blush it seems like jeff is writing a news item but with subjective phrases like “major address” and “proof of success” you realize youre reading the lede of a (sorta lame) propaganda column.

during the next five paragraphs jimjeff covers the president’s speech with alertnating graphs that begin with either “Bush” or “The President”. fancy!

until of course, he got to this unfortunately awkward sentence:

The President drew parallels between the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941 that drew the United States into World War II with the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks that claimed 3,000 innocent victims and compelled America to lead the War on Terror. He said that the lesson of Pearl Harbor was that “unopposed tyranny, even on far-away continents” threatened U. S. national security.

where to begin? probably here: if youre going to write an opinion peice full of Rovian concepts like “War on Terror” don’t put it in a story that looks like a straight news article otherwise it screams of propaganda.

we all know that jimjeff can write propaganda. what we are curious about, slightly, and what he appears to be doing by posting this to his blog is show that he can actually be a “real” journalist and either be an insightful commentator/opinion writer or a reliable newsman.

instead he continues to be precisely what everyone thought he was: a clumsy, inarticulate, know-nothing mouthpeice for the right who couldnt prove that he belonged in the white house, so the administration snuck him in through the back door.

my advice to mr. guckert is to pick. either be a columnist or write news. if you want to say “The President of the United States spoke yesterday and defended his belief in the war…” say it. use his quotes to back it up. but know that if you infect your news peices with debateable sentences like below, people are either going to laugh at you or snidely call bullshit

Buoyed by successful elections in Afghanistan, Palestine and Iraq, Bush pledged to continue the push for democratization of the Middle East. He offered encouragement to oppressed people of the region to demand liberty, especially women.

i will call bullshit on it because didnt the dude who won the election in Iraq – isnt he against shaking hands with women? therefore how is Bush either calling that election a success or demanding liberty to women?

if i was jeff i would title my blog Pro-Right Propaganda or What Bush Said and come out of the partisan closet. i would also pick one or two points out of the president’s speech, for example, and expound on it. thats what other columnists do. thats even what most bloggers do.

you can even say “omg the president was so on fire yesterday, he totally compared Pearl Harbor with 9/11 and everyone cheered and it was so hot that you wouldnt even believe it…”

but this half assed shit is purely that

and proof positive that there was a hooker in the hizzie who didnt belong there.

and if what Gannon is trying to do is show the world that he is a writer, he’s failing.

it must suckert to be guckert

jimjeff + welchie + annika did have poetry yesterday