the new tsar record comes out in six days

six days. six days my friends. remember how everyone took pictures of themselves when they bought “how to blog” and i put those pictures on the busblog? yeah me neither, but someone reminded me that i did it so i will do that for the new tsar record too. whattya think of that.

now let me ask you a question. did i ask anything of you people when i was laid off?

did i beg for money or put out a little book of old posts for big bucks. even when you said youd buy it? no.

i appreciate the relationship we have, you and i. i throw lies up here on the web and you pretend its real and i pretend its real too. and everyone loves each other

and its beautiful.

i am not asking you to buy this record when it comes out. im pyschicaly willing you to do it. i am using all my esp power that i have. im tapping into the force. im using my powers of good for evil. fun evil. im hypnotising you. your eyes are getting heavy. youre getting very sleepy. this is why i dont podcast. what you will do is go about your daily journeys and on tuesday you will go to the record store and you will get the new tsar record

you will tell the cashier that tsar is amazing and there should be a poster up. ask them why there isnt a poster up. if theres a poster up you will say why the hell arent there two posters up. why isnt it in the window you will demand. and then youwill ask them to put it on the speakers right there in the store and you will command them to crank that shit. you will, in fact say crank that shit buddy. and when the song is over you will say now that you little hairless freak is rock music.

what songs should you demand? quite frankly you cant go wrong with any of them.

it starts off blazing out of the gate with the noisy title track Band Girls Money. whalen alleges that the president sneaks when he walks down the street, hes got a stove pipe hat and wooden teeth, then jeff reveals that his girlfriends name is kathy wong and all hell breaks loose.

meanwhile lead guitar player w. daniel kern is shredding through all of it, taking breaks only to reload the flamethrowers with gasoline.

it stops hard and fast on a dime. Wanna Get Dead, which ive arranged to be the second song pops on the first beat. whalens actually in there before the music even starts talking about all the pictures he has of people he hates. he calls someone a fucker. and sings about wanting to get dead. “its hard to take a stand with all the women on your lap” is not about me so shut up. its a top 40 single if ever i heard one.

next on the love parade is my favorite track Wrong. on this one whalen screams and we feel it. number one hit if ever ive heard one. with a bullet. it should be in every movie.

following that in my lineup is Everyones Fault But Mine with its ominous bass riff which should get snapped up by a commericial just like the title track and Straight were (BGM is currently being played on the Nestle Crunch commersh and Straight was used for the Nissan Xterra).

next comes my second favorite track on the album Startime which i had linked on this blog for maybe six months with its big horns, non stop guitar, and perfect lines “and if you dont like that why dont you go home and watch some Tivo, fucker.” what can i say, the hey hey never let me down.

go glam the conqueror worm is next, then the ultra rockin Straight where whalen through mascara and pink sneakers pleads to the world that hes no tom cruise, “all the dianetics on the miracle mile know im straight.”

Superdeformed is a story about a horny dude who dropped out of school and got a job with the xfbi. it sounds like the beatles meets trex which means that i only like half of it. but the rest of the world should eat it up.

then theres the Love Explosion and it ends with You Cant Always Want What You Get which the band never plays live and is therefore something that i listen to all the time because its the closest thing to a “new” song that a friend of the band will get to. and its good.

this summer please buy the new Tsar record in six days. if you take a picture of youreself with it i will put it up on here. and i will be happy. and you will be the owner of a truly good american rock record which is just as good as any of the other crap thats out there, i can tell you that right now.

my single mom life + dan who + michele + moon over pittsburgh

this is what i buy on ebay

i went through a baseball card phase for a while. then basketball cards. then books. now cleaning supplies and razors and baseball game tickets. if i dont seriously make this 13 minutes with tony i’ll never get out of here so go.

its 137pm, now 138pm and all ive wanted to do all summer was see a movie and go to the beach and i havent been able to do that all summer. theres been too much drama in the lbc. thats not an inside joke, euros, thats snoop dogg and who are these people who think there are inside jokes in here? xbi stories you mean? fine heres all you need to know about the xbi.

the xbi is a vigilante group of former fbi cia and us military who fight crime by stealing from the crooks and dumping their fucked up bodies on the doorsteps of the cops and return most of the booty. when i was in college i was recruited into the xbi and ive been a reluctant agent ever since. my main job is to fly the helicopter, chopper one, but oftentimes im needed on the ground to chase people or shoot them. i usually give my share of the stolen merch to the poor because i want to go to heaven when i die. its 142.

currently i am being reassigned after serving four years at a tv network. its good for xbi agents to be in major cities working in big companies which is why i am only applying at very little companies right now because i secretly want to quit the xbi and be a school teacher and start a family in the suburbs. its 144. the problem is, like today, i spend far too much time reading books, playing fantasy baseball on yahoo, and typing up ridiculous bullshit on the world wide bleh. everyone knows brothas cant fly helicopters.

speaking of which, one of the first ads that i got on this blog, if not the first, was for the New Gilligan’s Island. so i tuned in to give support to my donor. i tuned in a little late and i see a black Professor. i was all oh thats great, aw, i love my advertiser.

it was a contest to see how quickly they could bail water out of a sinking rowboat. it didnt make any sense because the boat that won had a captain who was barely bailing anything. i dont understand it. anyway as they were bailing the host would tell the characters to jump out of the boat one by one. when they got to my brotha the professor he couldnt swim.

fulfilling the sterotype embarrasingly. who on earth producing that show doesnt say ok we have this show called giligans ISLAND, we’re gonna do something cool and have a black professor, when we choose one lets find out if he can swim., because, you know… some people dont have pools in their backyards, etc.

scott lasky who was always annoying on his shows on E! is the host of the new gilligan’s island and he dove into the water and saved my man’s life and pretty much looked like a hero right there as the cameras were rolling. which also sucks because its so much easier to scoff at lasky but he did do the right thing. and thats my review of the new gilligans island.

its 152 and now im thinking it might be too late to go to the beach. heres why. lets say i get my ass out of here by 2:30, i wont get to venice till 3:30, if i cruise around for even an hour now im stuck trying to cross LA at 4:30pm which is the heart of rush hour. i suppose i could just see the movie over there. hmmm. thats a long time out of the house though, something im not usually very happy to do, particularily alone. these are the conflicts in my head. i read rivers getting interviewed and i think i know how he feels sometimes because i’ll tell you this, if i had the blue album and pinkerton youd have to do a lot to get me out of the house. id just live off those. so i do give respect to rivers for going to college and touring and knocking out three more records than i woulda.

and i do like make believe. i listen to it almost every day.

the teenage fanclub record, im sorry to say is miserable. what a great band, what great talents but man have they dropped off. the paul anka rock swings is more interesting than the new tfc and who ever thought that would happen.

156 and i think i will go to the beach and to the movies and maybe go to the fox hills mall since its right over there and give you some pictures of that. ok three minutes left so lets make this worth it.

last night a super hot chick called me up and i was all uh and she was all comeon you love to talk dirty and i was all i dont know what it is but chicks arent foremost on my mind right now and she was all thats the most insane thing ive ever heard, do i have the right number, and i was all, shit i dont know anymore and she was all i will be right over but i was all i wont open the door, dont waste your time. and she was all im worried about you tony and i was all its not anything to worry about, something very odd is happening and it will go away at some point and when that happens you can come over and i will regain my place with the legandaries but right now even porn is turning my stomach so quit sending it over, and she resigned with a pouty “fine”, not in a mean way just in boohoo way, but then i added that i liked service animals eighteen with teagan and she said yeah that ones good huh.

airport sitter + the overflow + whaddup jakarta + raymi

napoleon dynamite

directed by Jared Hess
starring Jon Heder, Jon Gries, Haylie Duff, and Efren Ramirez as Pedro

we were supposed to see Coffee and Cigarettes at the lemelle sunset but they were having this eating contest so we shared a plate of funnelcakes and watched the gorgefest.

apparently we had inadvertantly crossed paths with the LA Film Fest. whatever. just living here is a gdamn film fest.

but a live eating contest, well thats entertainment.

the guy’s name was crazylegs and he had rounded up 5 people who were really good at eating certain things fast.

a hot dog eating guy
a guy who could eat a lot of boiled eggs
a spaghetti eating little kid
a guy who can eat a lot of pie
and a guy who could eat a lot of recees peices

crazylegs beat the first guy pretty easilly.
then he kicked the boiled eggs guy in the ass.

but then this little nine year old bobby brady lookin kid used his whole hand like a shovel and didnt mind getting dirty and destroyed the blonde dredlocked bespeckled white dude named crazylegs.

people were shouting and cheering and this was a normal looking kid. a boy who just smiled in astonishment. everyone was staring and cheering and i was waiting for him to double over in pain but no, that amount of pasta hadnt effected the lad in the slightest, except for the slight staining around his mouth due to the sauce, nothing more than what a good paper towel and some mother’s spit couldnt remedey.

in the minute he ate probably five plates full of spaghetti and crazylegs, a grown man, who, youre right, did just eat about twenty hot dogs and thirty boiled eggs, but he is after all a professional.

after all that excitement we went up to the ticketbooth and saw that Napolean Dynamite was playing.

The ads made it look stupid but what the hell, we had already recieved some free entertainment, the movie only had to be a little bit good and we could call it even.

Weird thing is, Napolean Dynamite is actually a pretty good film. It’s outrageous, over-the-top, and very funny. and somehow, bizarrilly realistic.

Don’t miss the opening credits featuring a white stripes song.

three esthers.

danielle + wonkette + rosie + matt good