hi tony, wassup g?

cold, youve been all up in me for close to two weeks now, and im sorry but youve worn out your welcome.

t-man i hear what youre saying but no-can-do my man. im loving the hotties who come over with their big pots of soup, im loving your satelite dish, and you play the BEST music. shit man, im never gonna leave.

im not going to eat any of that soup.

fine, im sick of soup anyways.

im not going to watch any more tv then.

good, i wanted to take a little nap.

im going to crank Gwar for the next eight hours.

see what i care tony America Must Be Destroyed is a freaking classic.

all i have is This Toilet Earth

works for me, lets dance.

cold, seriously, youve become annoying. last night you woke me up at 4am with a dry hacking cough. i dry heaved in the bathroom and woke my neighbors. they were obviously disgusted at what they were hearing and turned on classical music to drown out my sick noises.

i love these stories tony.

then you made me projectile vomit. it was cartoonish. i hurled five times in a row in less than a minute. it was like Stand By Me. all the soup all day left me. one bowl after another. it was like a beer bong in reverse. i saw my meals fsplash infront of my eyes.

yeah, what i did was seal off the large intenstine at noon with a barricade of bacteria and then i scratched your throat while you were sleeping. i was trying to choke you to death but what woulda been the fun of that? plus i had to pee.

you must die, cold,.

im not gonna die, tony.

how do i get rid of you then?

how did you get me? and hey is that a picture of you in the 80s?

i made out with a hot girl. and yes thats me my first year at ucsb. and yes thats a teal leather tie.

ah, k, now arent the sopranos on?

so ive gotta make out with a new hot girl who you havent invaded yet, huh?

or a dude, but you dont go that way. or do you?

hmmmm i might if it would get rid of you.

whatever. see what having a closed mind gets you?

what if i just vomit every night? surely you’ll get barfed out.

no, you’ll just get a sore throat and lose weight.

ive already lost a belt size.

see, and youre complaining.

i hate you cold.

well i love you tony, now flip on hbo, lets see if tony soprano can talk this week.

fine.

wait a damn minute, did you take a picture with that girl while holding a spare rib? i fucking love you man!

oceanaria + cityrag + matt good

tomorrow is opening day, play ball

and im glad it came on a saturday cuz theres always one joker at work who puts vodka in your water glass, or shoves a fish head in your briefcase, or calls your babys momma and tells her you want her back.

because i paid my rent early, a few days ago when my landlord was inspecting my home, i would have forgotten that today was april first if it hadnt been for an email from the one and only mr matthew good, jokester.

the reason i hate april fools so much is because im hypersensitive to the issue of Trust which is what practical jokes feed off of.

in any relationship there are three equally important foundations: honest communication, the desire to keep the relationship alive, and trust. if you remove even one of those the relationship is in deep shit. its like taking one leg off a stool and trying to sit on it.

practical jokes actually take advantage of two of those legs because youre not communicating honestly and youre betraying trust. sure it can be funny, but being punk’d is no fun when youre in it and for some people it can make them untrusting for years to come.

one of the biggest concerns that people have of this current administration is that it has lied to us repeatedly, so much that not only can we not trust it any more but in order to defend itself it has taken the mass media down with them. depending on who your kids learn about this period of time, it might sound like dan rather forged documents, or that US propaganda was an important element in exposing the iraqi links to 9/11, that the press was liberal, or that michael moore’s most popular film was full of lies.

when you cant trust your president, or the congress, when people get caught lipsyncing on snl, when gay male hookers get let into the white house press room day after day for a year, when pro journalists get paid by the ruling party to keep writing good news, when baseball players look at the camera and swear they arent shooting up and then fail drug tests shortly afterward, ashton kutcher’s mtv show just seems like another reality show.

ive had people trust me for no good reason, and ive had people not trust me for no good reason. in my last days of selling tvs on commission i would yell at people who were showing signs of not trusting me as i took it very personally when they told me they were going to shop around or consult consumers reports magazine. of course they shouldnt trust me, i was a freaking sears tv salesguy.

similarily ive had the most innocent young girls strip within minutes of entering my home, or readers of my blog write me the longest emails, or strangers on a train tell me their deepest darkest secrets for no apparent reason other than i appeared trustworthy.

and to keep that appearance alive, as trusting me is the highest compliment i can receive, i place my disclaimer atop my most prized possession, the busblog: dont trust this shit – it’s the interweb.

but alas, people rarely listen to me. and they go right ahead and trust me anyways. and even though they shouldnt, they do, and that makes us all happy because some of whats in here is true, including this list of people who flowed the busblog and got me my new ipod in about 30 hours of me asking for it.

youre all very sweet and i promise to get you what i promised before the fourth of july. gravitas.

james
mr. orange
katherine
f smith
e. kemp
prufrock
debbie
philippe
carolyn
leck
jeneane
peter
tank
dan
jozjozjoz
anita
goose
wild bell
lisa
ian
ian
ian
ian
shellen

if i left anyone off, please please please email me asap.