its midnight.

ive been driniking. dkinrinking at mussos and frnaks in hollywoodl. one of the classic bar/restaurants in all of hollywood. and even though ive lived here for a long longlong loooong time i havenddt even been inside it intul tonoight. evne though when i worked last summer at the marketing company we shared a parking lot. even though bukowski totally drank there once he made it. even though hemingway dransk there which is why bukowski drabnk there. the stones love it there actually all old men love it there cuz its old school. it was nice.

i went there because me and rob from e! and the lovely carolyn kellogg from laist have been trying to have drinks with me and neil romeneck for almost a month now. neal doesnt get his name spelld rotight because he ditched us. sumthing suddenly came up marsha brady. iv e gotta poop cuz i drank too many aremereto sours. which i want to now call amaretto smiles cuz thats what they do to me. they also let me i mean make me talk way too much.

carolyun has the greatest red hair. not red like youre thinking RED fucking hair like ahhhhh. ive always wanted that. i might gro w back the frow just so i can dye it red and tell the world here i am fucker.s

i was nervous about what to wear cuz iu wore shorts to work today and i wanted to wear shorts to mussos and franks abut its sorta fancy only cuz so many old people ago there. like cary grant would totally be there if he was still around. he might be there. rob and carolyn had martinis cuz theyre classy. im just a dope but i wore pants and i changed my gangsta flannel for a nice corderoy flannel. and i took off my cap at the bar.

im wathsfing the cubs on tvio so dont tell me who won. cubds are down by one in the sixth. anyways it was very nice to talk with rob and carolym, im not sure how we woulda done it if neal was there cuz you couldnt move the barstols they were in the foloor real good incase of emregency. ui wonder if thats for earthqyuakes or drunks. btw today was the 100th anniversary of the frisco earthquake a hundred years ago. my ass is itchy. i should have my panjamas on. its 1212 why do i still have clothes on.

anyways carolyn listens. i dont liseten. she also reads a lot. rob does too. i dont read anything buyt blogs. instead of coachella shes going to the LA book fair. she asked which writers would you meet if you could and i could only think of Lynda Barry and the chick who wrote wite oleander jante janet finch. i want to read bloggers and meet them, thats who i wanna meet. book writers bore me. write every day in public and thgen you’ll impress me. put out every damn day. buiild an audience. bust with your real life. who couldntr write fuction. fickton. fuktion. im gonna spell it right if it kills me FICTION ahhhh who cant write fiction? but write about your life and do it every day and make it not boring and then youre something. suddenly i can write.

i dont have the patiene3 to write fictuin. see frauyd fraued frued freud i cant even sopell fiction right even though this whole blog is fuction., every time someone interviewds me they ask my age and if my name is really tony pierce or not. and i say im 21 and my name is tony hemingway but i changed it to poierce cuz none of you fuckers would believe whgo my papa reall y is. and they say really and i say nah. and htey say no really and i say yeah and they go fuck and i go no and they go no really seriously and i go yeah no maybe whocares.

i got a lot of emails from people today. so many i cant even remember so many i dont think i wrote everyone back. i have ajob you know. my hands are sore from my job. i m sooo sorry if i dont write you back when you write me. i love the nice things everyone says but whoooo cubs tied it up. anyways i will write you back. if you write me and i dont write back it doesnt mean anything other than i suck ok. ok. anyways thatnks. dude sent me a cd and a book the other day and i havent written him back. this movie stuido sent me a movie that i totally watched and liked but i havent reviewd it yet. blog ads want me to interview some people and im gonna dtry to do that tomorrow during lunch. im a busy bee. i like being busy but its getting in the way of my romantic interestes. giving that advice about asking three gurls out a week is good fucking advice no pun intended and im thinking when was the last time i asked out theree girls in a week, probabaly college.

as a matter of fact there was a week were i asked out a girl every day for a week and they all seaid yes. now of course i was far handsomer then, and girls were hornier in those days and the sun was brighter and gas was cheeopre and when youre one of only 50 black men in a school of 18,900 and half of those are chickes so 9500 and half of htose are hot so 4800 and half fo those are single so 2400 and half of those have the jungle feaver so youve got 1200 stone cold foxes to find if my math is correct which it probably isnt because somehow i got validated at musso anf franks and still i had to pay eight bucks to park. anyways they all said yes and in those days i awas a virgin and all i wanted to do was kiss goodnight and see what they were gonna wear. iw as bizarre. and that was before i strted drugs.

laist + when i was interviewed by laist last year rob attack cat + mia neal

the discussion down the page

has reached 40 comments. this is from the post about what the ladies of the world should do for the shy boys of the world on Good Friday.

i suggested that if the lovelies took one for the team as it were that it would help make the world a better place.

sadly many young ladies are of the belief that there are no one-night-stands out there. no quickies for the nerds. no wham bam thank you ma’ams for the eight-sided die crowd. the complaint is that once a hottie puts out a bit the boys become stalkers, ever clutchy, like leeches that you cant rid yourself of.

and i dont want to sit here in the sunshine of hollywood and pretend that im better than anyone. and i certainly dont want to make you think that i havent fallen for a girl or two in a way that i appeared stalkerish. yes even yours truly has sometimes had a hard time accepting a flat out no.

ask my true love who said no to my advances pretty much every day for the last several years.

she said no to offers of marriage, being my girlfriend, being my f buddy, being my roommate, being my sexual surrogate, being my love slave, joining me in threesomes, being my live art nude model, being my french maid, or allowing me to use her as a practice ho. and many times all of those offers came in one phone call.

whats sad is each time i presented the invitation i seriously thought i had a slim chance of acceptance.

so yes boys are delusional. and yes girls have no problem saying no. endlessly. sure its uncomfortable for both sides but just like a call in the wild the bluebird needs to sing “hey any horny birds out there?” and the robin needs to sing “shut it bluebird.”

therefore heres my advice for the boys and the girls.

boys – even in small towns there are lots of chicks. lots. if there arent and youre over 18, get the fuck out. do your penis a favor. if your penis could pack your bags and move you out it would, so do it. you have the feet, you have the hands.

secondly, when youre 18, boys, you Have to go to college. even if its junior college. i went to junior college and guess what, that was the place where i met the girl who would eventually accept my virginity. college is the single best place for people to get laid. avoid college and you avoid the love you so desire.

finally, boys, if you want to get girls its very simple. you must start asking girls out. every week you need to ask three girls out. heres what i recommend: one of the girls needs to be the hottest chick ever. one of them needs to be someone who youre pretty sure will say yes but is still someone who makes you nervous. and one has to be a sure thing. but keep this in mind, even sure things arent sure things so get ready.

the reason you need to ask all three each week is not to increase your odds of lovin but so you can notice how you act differently to women based on your fucked up beliefs about looks/status/intelligence/etc. the truth is all three women are exactly the same: female. everything else is shit you made up about them, and usually its shit you made up that gets in the way of you getting laid.

when you ask, be funny. smile when you do it. dont ask as much as invite. dont ask as much as inform. baby you and me are gonna see a great movie on friday. do you wanna go to the arclight or to the drive in, and dont worry i’ll still put out if you dont pay.

ok ladies. we do appreciate it when you get drunk and hump us. we really do. and we realize that sometimes when you say no you mean maybe. thats what confuses us. so heres what you need to remember and do when youre blowing us off. remember that boys are like dogs. you cant tell a dog once not to piss on the floor. you have to tell the dog repeatedly. sometimes you need to wack the puppy in the head with a rolled up newspaper or shove its nose in the piss. remember that. remember we are very big dogs who wear hats. shove the piss in our nose.

do this by writing us letters. letters dont change. write things like this.

tony, i was drunk, it was fun but its over. you need to move on. there will be girls who will love you and want you. im not one of those girls. im one of the girls who did you and enjoyed it but it will never happen again. before you call me again read this postcard 100 times. and if you call me dont call me a bitch dont call me to say youve changed dont call me to be friends dont call me to try something fancy to get me call me to say thank you i get it i got it im out. but instead of calling me, call someone who hasnt made out with you yet. that will make me feel way better. but thanks for taking me to the dodger game last night.

ok its time to make the donuts.

even though we had Row B seats

a few feet from the field and a few feet from the fair pole, the best part about the Cubs game yesterday at Dodger Stadium, besides watching the Professor school the home team was in the elevator ride from the field boxes to the top of the park, where our car was waiting.

for in this elevator was me, my date, her roommate and boyfriend, and about 25 pissed off dodger fans including four very large latin gentlemen with tattoos up to their neck and scars like those made from knives.

me, i had a Cubs spring training 1986 tshirt, cubs hat, bag of peanuts that my mom sent me in my easter basket that had the cubs logo on the bag, and small pin that said hey hey.

even without my afro somehow all eyez remain on me.

so as soon as i stepped into the packed oversized elevator the biggest meanest toughest gang member – lets be real – said,

looks like you stepped on the wrong elevator

and there was silence

and a few quiet chuckles

now let me tell you a little something about the author of this blog. ever since the cubs lost in the playoffs in 1984 to the san diego padres, an interesting phenomenom swept over me.

the willingness to die. as in, not being at all afraid to leave this mortal coil.

its my belief that that precise lack of fear that most normal humans have is what the xbi found most appealing in me, and why they recruited me while i was in college.

so when this 6’2″ 250 man with a tattooed tear coming down his eye looked at me and said that i got in the wrong elevator after greg maddux spread 3 hits over 8 innings making quick work of a dodger lineup missing allstar jeff kent, and hobbled by just-recovering jd drew and kenny lofton, i could not bite my tounge

i can never bite my tounge, particularily in matters of the chicago cubs.

if you remember correctly it was i who brought my broom to dodger stadium last year in preperation of the sweep that the cubbies performed on LA last season, and yes bitter dodger fans told me where i could put that broom.

so when the huge monster of a man joked but didnt joke that i was in the wrong elevator, very clearly i rebutted with

oh you mean this isnt the winner’s elevator?

to which everyone, from youngest to oldest said


and yes i plan on returning to chavez ravine tomorrow to reintroduce the faithful to my broom.

everything wrong again + amy + newyorkology + jay larson