fat sent me the sweet pic of jager

there on the left. apparently that was his birthday party 11 years ago. is it Jag’s birthday today? if it is happy birthday bro. i have no idea where we are in frisco in that pic but youre lookin good and im lookin drunk. plus i dont know any of those people.

i also got a very nice email from someone in toronto who didnt sign their name who is in los angeles today.

LA is gorgeous right now thanks to all the rain clearing out all the crap and all the hills being green and all the boobs settling into their bikini tops.

tonight ive got tickets to see the Cubs and the Dodgers. i will be about two rows behind the left fielder but not in the bleachers because they dont serve $10 beers there. ticket prices are outta control, btw. a man used to be able to take his wife and kids to a game and buy drinks and shit for under $100. parking included. four tickets where im sitting set me back $140 and that was not counting the Ticketmassah fees that i avoided by going to the box office during lunch myself.

the only good thing about not having a steady girlfriend is ive been able to save a little cash by not having to by dinners and drinks and flowers and movie tickets. of course that savings totally evaporates by going to sxsw and toronto and vegas and hollywood and this weekend im going back to austin for a wedding now that ive found a housesitter. but yeah baseball ticket prices suck. remind me to go to scalpers and rip them off from now on.

before i post this sweet email from a canadian in california, let me thank these people for posting the Coachella Blog blogad. i toooootally appreciate it!

Science Blog,
matt welch,
Just a Girl,
bicycle mark,
the holywriter,
sigh club,

if any of you have blog ads and you’d like to allow us to advertise for free on your blogad strip, email me and i will owe you one, or i will give you a two-week ad on my page, or we’ll work something out. but muchas gracias to the good kids above!

ok heres the email i got today that made me smile.

hi tony:
when i think of california, i think of you.
while visiting your beautiful state for the first time, i felt the need to
write and let you know what an amazing time i’m having here.
i’m visiting a sexy, incredible man who recently moved here from toronto.
in the past 24 hours, i’ve seen the freaks on the walk of fame, stars in
beverly hills, strolled the pier in santa monica, sampled some awesome
mexican food, watched lizards and hummingbirds go about their business,
spied 3 year olds surfing, grown more than a few freckles, and as i write
you i’m sitting on a huge deck sipping my fourth beck’s while taking
advantage of a free wireless internet connection.
i love it here. the people are so friendly it’s borderline creepy…and i
thought us canadians were the warm ones.
i’ve read you giving canadians props many many times, and thought i should
return the love.
aside from spending time with my favourite person, i didn’t expect to have
such a great time here. call me a smug torontonian, but i thought i knew
where it was at.
so big thanks to sunny california and your people for being so warm.
today i was told i would never pass for a native to SoCal, which made me
smile because it doesn’t matter. i’ve been welcomed with such open arms.
this is a fucking cool place.
you’re a lucky man.

i was pretty depressed this weekend

thinking about the oklahoma cannibal who worked at carls jr. so maybe its best to call him the carls jr cannibal.

because it was a holiday weekend, or maybe because Blogger doesnt really shut down blogs unless it had kiddie porn or pure lies, lots of people read kevin underwood’s blog and then… blogged about it.

several people mentioned that he (not pictured) had fallen for a recent divorcee and was going to move to california to be with her. when that fell through he pretty much gave up on chasing girls.

he didnt kiss a girl until he was 22, and he may still be a virgin. at one point he even mentioned that sure he could use a girlfriend because he would like sex, but he also wanted one for human contact – something he seemed to have scarce amount of.

Even masturbation sounds boring. Of course, that lost its fun years ago. Now it’s basically just a habit.

To once again put it bluntly, I really need some pussy. Actually, it’s more than that. I don’t just need sex. I need a girlfriend, a real relationship. Love, and shit like that. Even simpler than that, I just need to be touched, and I don’t mean in a sexual way. But no one ever touches me, and I don’t touch them. Even the simplest touch is the hardest thing for me. I dream of being hugged.

which made me think, chicks really need to start putting out. life is so f’ed up. all these pretty boys and jocks and lunkheads and morons get laid all the time. the giotti boys step out of a limo and all these girls scream their heads off.

meanwhile theres all these dudes who are far too shy for their own good. not horrible looking fellas. underwood is an asshole, no question, but that fucker coulda gotten laid. he was creepy looking, but maybe only in retrospect, and maybe only because no chick ever gave him any play. if i was a reporter who was granted an interview, i wouldnt ask him why he killed that sweet little girl, but seriously how many chicks did he ask out over his life.

so this is what im thinking, chicks need to take one for the team at least once a year. maybe we oughtta make a day out of it. for one day instead of making out with that dude in the stonewashed jeans or the highlights in his hair or the dude with the fake bake and the department store calvin klein, flirt with the dude at jiffy lube, or at carls jr and if he asks for your number give it to him, and when he calls you go out with him, and when he gets all nervous at the door give him a good kiss and grab his ass or something.

they say that babies will die if they dont get touched. animals need to be pet. even homes need to be lived in or they’ll fall apart.

clearly this carls jr dude went to work, came home, sat in his room, dicked around on the web and never made a move on anyone. and when he did it was twisted and violent and horrible. and when he did and got caught he didnt even care because what did he have to live for? so he could flip some bacon avacado chicken burgers for $7 an hour?

maybe good friday should be the day where if youre a virgin dude you can make out with hot chicks. maybe on good friday virgins can get lap dances for free at strip clubs. or super shy dudes. or dudes whove worked at fast food places for more than five years.

i know this guy was one on a million, that there arent that many people who dont get touched and then snap and kill and then try to eat people, but we need to lower the odds of this shit happening again. its just too painful.

i know that one reason that im as confident about life as i am is my ridiculously good luck with the ladies, but fellas i have to tell you this – its luck, yes, but your “luck” increases the more you put yourself out there and actually ask for the sale. sure i get rejected. i get rejected all the time, but i also get said yes to. i believe it was lee trevino the golfer who said, “the more i practice the luckier i get”.

boys you have to practice talking to girls, you have to practice getting rejected, and you have to practice asking for the sale. anyone can talk to a pretty girl, but it is tough to ask them on a date, and then for a kiss, and then for some roadhead, and then for a threesome. but just like anything if you dont practice its not going to happen. you have to practice riding a bike, and you have to be cool with falling down – in front of people.

once i tried to kiss a girl and she totally leaned back as my eyes were closed and my lips were pursed. you know how embarrassing that is? swing and a miss. but the good news is you have unlimited swings on this shit. ive tried to kiss a girl for an hour once. once i tried for two hours straight. once i was in a car with a girl and i spent two and a half hours begging, daring, browbeating a girl into a kiss and when she gave it up and asked how it was i was all eh. and she kissed me again.

you must try. you must try all the time. you will get rejected. you will have your heart broken. but you will also get kissed, and blown, and banged.

but ladies, we need your help. especially the shy boys. im not saying you have to give me love, ive had plenty, but once a year you really should give some to those who need it most. yes he will stalk you. yes he will probably put a nice gift box on your doorstep with a long long long love letter in the basket. but sometimes it really is better to have lusted and lost than to never gotten a finger stunk up at all.

and yes ive lost my mind.

kali + jessica + jessica