dear britney

you shouldnt be crying. but i know why you are.

its cuz life isnt fair.

trust me, as a cub fan i understand how life isnt fair.

youre supposed to be on top of the world. youre rich, youre famous, youve got a cute little kiddo, youve got tons of fans.

i know it sucks that your man is a loser. i know you dont wanna divorce your babys daddy. i know you wanna drive your own car and carry your own son.

but baby none of this is working out.

i know youre worried that if someone else carries your baby you’ll look like a bad mom but you know what, fuck those people.

heres what you need to do and the first thing is hire me. i’ll work for you for $50k a year cuz thats all i need. i dont even need that. i’ll work for you for $40k if you let me use your hot tub a few times a week. and the laundry facilities.

i will be your new driver. you need one. im a great driver. ive never had an accident. ive also lived in LA for a gazillion years.

as your driver i will also be your voice of reason because clearly whoever is supposed to be that for you has laringitious. or however you spell it. theyre fucking up.

if i see you are about to go out to street with little baby sean on your hip i will say baby, i mean britney, put that Bjorn on Byourself, Beyotch. its why it was bjinvented.

if i see that you wont wear it and you have a drink in your hand i will carry it for you until we get into the car. then i will put you in the back seat and i will hand you the drink and i will wait until everyones strapped in and then i will pull away from the curb and drive at a reasonable pace.

we wont run from the ‘ratzi. theyre annoying but all they want is your picture. in fact you and i will start a little web site where we will take a picture of you and the boy three times a day. we will flood the market with britney pics and theirs wont be worth as much. hell, we will have picture day at your house a few times a month where sick and poor kids come over and take hundreds of pics

ok maybe not sick kids since youre pregnant, but fans, nice fans, young fans and their moms.

we will also not have you go to the grocery store any more for awhile. i know you like going to the ralphs in malibu but you know what, no more of that. i will get your groceries. i know you want a normal life but who are you fucking kidding? you dont have a normal life. normal people arent worth millions. normal people dont have photographers chasing them around. normal people dont have tony pierce as their driver.

why do you wanna live in malibu anyways? theres only one grocery store out there. theres only one major road. youre sorta trapped out there. you wanna be punk rock? move to compton. i’ll still be your driver, and i bet you a buck that you’ll have far less paparatzi hanging out front of your house if you lived on Compton Blvd.

when you slipped the other day you said, “thats why i want a gun.” you wont need a gun if you lived in Compton. your neighbors would take care of the riff raff. trust me.

now regarding kfed. im not a fan of divorce. i believe that marriage is something that you have till death do you part. so heres what we do. again, we move everyone to Compton. kfed too. one day when he goes to the studio or whereever the fuck he goes, we change the code for the gate. then we let the neighbors take care of the scrawny wigger.

till death do you part-y.

im not saying that compton is a violent place. im just saying that if something happened to the ratzi or kevin, nobody would question it. then you and i and the babies drive back up to malibu and you give me a little raise and let me drive you around for a few more years.

dont worry im not secretly hitting on you. it just breaks my heart to see you cry.

references available upon request,


seamus + david + mlah + ben

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