everythings a drinking game to me

like every time sarah palin said you betcha or winked i drank a shot.

every time someone makes the Dumbest Mistake on the Internet Ever i drink a shot.

or every time i miss Harry Caray while watching the Cubs lose, i drink a shot.

when i sober up and make it out into the real world i take “virtual shots”.

like the other day at Target i saw a lady with a super tight shirt on and i took a shot for each of her rolls that she could have easily “hid” with, i dont know, clothes that acutally fit her.

tonight running i took a virtual shot every time someone annoyed me: like the cars that exited Barnsdale Park at 10pm forcing me to run on the grass

or the bike riding down the sidewalk when all day when im driving they seem to have no problem “sharing the road” with the cars.

one guy without a water bottle in his hand tried to race me down this one street and i let him win for a block but i knew he’d die trying so i upped my pace just a tad and got him over by Bukowski Square.

and i took a virtual shot.

these are some of the lessons i wont be able to share with my children until theyre at least eleven or twelve.

which is another reason why kids are not nearly as fun as people make them out to be.

and such boring light weights.