im a man. im in the market for a car for a man

i like to spit. i like to wear bathing suit shorts with pockets. i like to listen to heavy metal created as close to Hell as possible. i like to bring pretty girls flowers.

i like to eat meat, drink dark beer, and watch ESPN.

i enjoy the Miss Universe pageant. and farting.

i drive a car thats japanese and has dents. it was made in 1994.

its a good car. a reliable car. but when i crank my metal it doesnt sound evil.

and the cup holders cannot handle the girth of the beverages i receive from the drive thru

when i honk my horn it sounds like a duck on its last days.

i want a horn that will make people pee their pants.

i want a car that says get the eff out of my way THIS IS THE FAST LANE.

i want a car with a back seat so i can say come on baby lets live the american dream.

i dont care if a car is a hybrid. i dont want an SUV.

i dont want a car with a video camera pointed backwards because unlike oh so many i know how to parallel park – i am a man.

strangely there are very few cars that make me say: yes, you deserve me.

but this car, despite being a dodge, caught my attention.

prepare to be test driven, retro american beast.

6 thoughts on “im a man. im in the market for a car for a man

  1. even test drove it! the back seat was lacking. the heads up display was cool. but i was not blown away. maybe the 2011 SS will convince me otherwise

  2. all those things are fine except the spitting.  Seeing someone spit makes me gag and seeing a big wet loogy on the sidewalk makes me heave.  If I stepped in it, I’d puke for sure.  I’m sort of on the side for caning of public spitters.

  3. couldnt agree more about the loogies.
    i have a small gap between my front teeth which provides a way to pull off a far classier “theet” stream of spittle that flies high and long and archs and disappears within seconds of its touchdown. its artistic, not disgusting.

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