last night i drove about 12 hours with one break to do a live fantasy draft that took 2 hours. probably shouldnt have done that draft but ive been in that league a long time.

anyways now im vulnerable to attacks. i put my apple juice glass on the oven and somehow it appeared in the living room. to quote the pixies where is my mind.

i did 25 rides yesterday. and murphys law some of them went from one end of the world to the other.

rarely does a driver root for short trips but i sure as hell was these last two days (in order to get the 100 trips in a week = cash bonus) and murphy had other ideas.

the most classic thing happened in the middle of the night last night when i felt like i needed to do something different to get more than one trip and hour.

the goal of the day was 25 because i was pretty sure i had 80 going into Saturday but you never know what Ubes might disqualify so basically shoot for 105 if the goal is 100. by 9pm i was at 16. 9 to go.

so i headed to DTLA in hopes of getting people going from hotels to bars and back again. usually around 9pm if youre in DTLA you’re not like going to the beach or anything – youre staying downtown.

but before i could get there i picked up two kids near my house who wanted to go to the Roost. well hell, i used to live in Atwater back in the day, so we were talking about earthquakes and Go Bags and everything is fine until i see that i am getting a new ping before i drop off the Roost kids, which is bad news because it’s coming from Glendale and Glendale isnt in the area where the rides qualify for the bonus. it would basically just eat away at my remaining time all for $6. or worse, what if they wanted to go even further out of the area? oy.

so i drop off the kids and head north to glendale. all the while thinking, please cancel, please cancel. ive heard tell of drivers who will just drive the other way and indirectly force the rider to cancel – that way the trip doesn’t count against the drivers’ acceptance rate.

but as Christian as i am, i suppose i do believe in a sense of karma, and it’s not like i believe God watches me when i uber (although he Should – it’s hilarious) i do thank him before and after every ride and i do think that if he saw me acting a fool, he’d be disappointed in his favorite xbi agent.

i have been given a lot of cool things in my life and i treat them as if they were sent from above, which im pretty sure they are, so i do my best not to engage in dickish moves

so i pick up the guy. he’s much older than my usual late night uber passenger. 55? either persian or armenian. whenever he was speaking his language every now and then id hear “merci” which is not just french, but it’s persian which is even older than french, so maybe he was persian. who cares.

i see where we are going and its sunset blvd. west hollywood. back in the zone but mama mia, 25 minutes. what you want are 7 minute rides, not whoppers which suck up half of your hour. youre looking for 3 rides an hour knowing you’ll prob get 2. but 2 an hour means you’ll be driving till 1am. and you’re already pooped.

ok, whatevs, poor me ive gotta go to the sunset strip on a saturday. i fucking love the sunset strip on a saturday. lets rock.

then he says, oh, we have to make one stop.

no, no stops. half of my hour. wtf nooooo.

sure, where are we Stopping

i say trying not to air my grievance

turn right here in this alley

perfect. murdered just 8 trips away from my bonus. actually i had heard glendale does have its share of crime. alright. see you in heaven lemmy!

we go in an alley. no ones there. i say ghosts cost extra. he goes to his phone and calls someone and a young hot babe comes out. may i interject this older guy does smell really good. a curious blend of talcum powder and old spice, but it works for some reason.

she gets in and she never stops talking. in whatever language it is. somehow i deduce they’re getting tattoos. somewhere along the way he questions my route. he laughs as he says it. i say, my man, we’ll go any way you want. he says how long you uber? i say two years. he says oh a long time. cool. it’s ok.

two years is a long time? 25 minutes is even longer old spice guy and on the way i figure out the gameplan: as soon as i drop them off imma go to UCLA and take the sorority girls across campus to the frat houses. probably the most annoying thing when theres not a bonus, but exactly what is needed to get a bunch of short rides, lets just hope a princess doesnt hurl during the journey.

drop them off and boss gives me a $5 tip. awwwwwww. i flip over to Select Only that way if i do get pinged on my way it’s worth it (3x the price) – and get to UCLA in minutes. lurk down sorority row, nothing. head over to the W because theres no Select cars there and wait. get an X ping from the W at 2x surge. fine. even if its a long ride at least ill get paid.

very handsome young couple going from the w to a bar on pico. perfect. 7 minutes, theyre talkative, its date night. he could be a male model. shes beaming and dressed to kill. fun. great. Westwood!

until i drop them off and i get pinged. the call is coming from inside the bar. awesome. i dont even have to move! they come out, i click to see where we are going. San Pedro!

im devistated. ive been driving every night all week. and there it is late and night and ive gotta schlep to pluto. home of Watt, but still.

fine. lets do this. it’s mostly freeway. it’s late. we are a car pool, it’s dark. we’re wearing sunglasses.

the pair had just been to a murder mystery night where they got fed, drank, solved the murder and then had a nightcap before heading back home down in pedro.

i ask them if theyve been to bukowskis grave down there, they say no. i try to explain how he was americas finest poet last century but that sounds like he wore a powdered wig so we start talking about OJ.

dude says he was 12 when the OJ trial was happening and he asked for a got a $30 set of Pogs back then that had all the cast of characters of the OJ trial and Judge Ito was the slammer pog. i told him i am a million years old, i was certainly not 12 during that time and i have no clue what pogs are or were and the most fascinating thing happened, me and the young lady agreed that OJ was probably not the murderer. she says that when she was 12 and the trial was going on she was on vacation and just happened to run into two LA law enforcement ppl who were all, on separate occassions, mind you, OJ was framed. where was all the blood? what was the motive? jealousy? how many celebrities break up and nothing happens compared to how many celebrities break up and theres a double murder: zero.

so the trip to pedro was worth it because now i dont feel so alone. dropped them off went to the 7-11, got a brownie and a fruit punch Mountain Dew because it was gonna be a long night. and it was. but i got it.

i did about 11 of them at USC. for some reason you can do a Pool there and get 3 of your friends in there.

i dont understand that. the purpose of a Pool is so if you and ONE friend are going somewhere and another person and their ONE friend along the way wants to get in too, then it’s sorta like an improptu car pool.

but when the car is already filled immediately what is the Pool part all about?

that happened and of course i get pinged a few minutes later and i have to tell the guy theres no room in the inn.

he understood and canceled but it seems like a major design flaw and im disappointed that Uber never educated us about this.

whatever, the rest of the night was great. had to go to Pasadena from UCLA near the begining of the night but i didnt let that stop me.

if anything it inspired me to max out the number of USC rides we are allowed for the bonus (15).

tomorrow i need 22 to complete it all. but i will do 29 to play it safe.

through canyons no wise driver would drive.

we have this thing called acceptance rate and just like in life youve gotta keep it up

so you do dumb things like go up to the top of mountains to pick up who pinged you

normally youd just cancel that ish because people who live in gazillion dollar homes

and yet order the cheapest possible uber – well it just seems weird.

sometimes its a nanny or a kid or someone using air b n b and in those cases its ok.

but last night i got an Uber Select ping way up on top of old smokey and Waze said it was only 8 minutes

but just like in life sometimes Waze cray.

it was more like 15 which is still fine because doing this crazy bonus thing most of your rides net you $2 or $4

so whenever you can get a Select ride then thats great because not only is that one more ride towards the 100

but at least this one is gonna be profitable.

she was gorgeous, wore a cape, i kid you not, was young, smelled like bubble gum and ironically as we were winding down the twisty curvy road she asked me if i had any gum.

rule number one of being an uber driver is to carry a gun at all times. kidding mom!

rule number two is have barf bags at the ready.

but rule number three is never ever ever ever ever ever have gum because you will certainly see it in your carpet or seats in the morn.

which is why i carry mints, which i found for her and gave to her and youd think youd tip a brother for that

but the only tip i got was from this drunk dude named pablo who i picked up at a bar who i had picked up there once before

and we drove to his apartment on the west side and talked about the Lakers the whole time

and as he was getting out of the car struggled to find money in his fat wallet filled with business cards and promises

and pulled out one and then two dollars and said thank you amigo

and i said day nada my friend.

two weeks ago i hit the goal and got the $500 bonus for doing over 75 trips.

this week they upped it so you have to do 100 trips to get the $500.

in the small print they say of your 100, you can only do 15 rides at USC so i went there to find out if it was really that easy over there for short rides and sure enough i found this fascinating trend.

theres a semi-luxury apartment complex where 100s of students live on west adams. and on Fig theres a row of fast food joints.

if the students can afford to live in the complex they can certainly afford the $4 ride from Panda Express to their home 0.48 miles away.

usually uber drivers would be frustrated with such a short ride but when youre trying to rack up as many as you can, they’re little blessings.

i got three of these last night and in the final one i asked the two young men where they were from. China.

i asked, how do American girls compare to Chinese ones in China. one said he prefers mainland Chinese ladies the other said USA USA.

then i said, of the Chinese girls at USC do most of them want to date American dudes or do they love the fact that youre from China too? they both said they prefer native Chinese dudes.

so as they left i said, dont do drugs, stay in school, but they didnt really know what i was talking about so they said, you too!

and you get to their block, and then to their driveway

and they’ll wave you in.

and they’ll look at you and then walk into their house

all three of them

and you’ll sit there for a few minutes listening to tom petty

and you’ll think to yourself, what?

you were right here.

i was right here.

i AM right here.

and you guys went the total opposite way.

so after another minute i texted them

i said, hi this is uber, im only required to wait five minutes

and we are four minutes in…

and boom they pop out

and we get going and grandma is sitting next to me and the nine year old is in the back and mom is next to him and young aunt is there. and they say they need another car for the rest of the family

then they tell me this is their first time in america

and theyre going to disneyland tomorrow and then joshua tree

and i think to myself, you are such a terrible person. why cant you be patient? why do you always have to be this way? why cant you just chill you chill in traffic you chill under fire you chill under the most stressful situations

why cant you just sit in the driveway of life and listen to tom petty

and wait your damn turn

fuckr