Author Archives: tony

the other day someone asked, are you up to something?

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i said not usually, but in a very small way, yes.

and she said regarding one thing or more than one thing?

i said, multiple things.

she asked why

i said because i am part scorpio and by law this is the way it has to be, but trust me, i do not like it

i like it better when you are 100% up front

i agreed and said me too, but this blog is supposed to be a work of fiction, it is supposed to be the one free place where anything goes

where fact and baloney can hold hands and skip through a psychedelic forest of love lust and unicorn dust

and she said maybe you should have a blog where you keep it 100

i said thats my twitter and i lost 20 followers this week, but whatever.

i did so much today, a photo essay

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my maid Connie hasn’t been over in a while because i was broke and amber did a great job when she was here, but now shes not, so i called Connie and tried to explain to her that amber was not here any more

but any time i would say that she was all, oh how is amber?

her english is better than my spanish but we agreed to disagree that amber still lived here

anyway Connie said she would be here at 10am so at 9 i woke up which was a miracle

i went to the bank, got money for her, put it in an envelope and left it for her on the coffee table

didn’t really know what i was gonna do. for some reason i thought she said she only had 2 hours to clean, so i figured id kill time and be back around 2pm to play it safe. if theres one thing that embarrassess me its watching someone else clean up my mess.

heres a man with no shoes sleeping in front of a literal shoe palace

so i headed to north hollywood and then van nuys because i wanted to get a smog check and the last time i did it on this side of the hill i got massively ripped off.

so driving through van nuys i saw this mexican guy who was straight outta central casting with the knit cap, the boots, jeans, and flannel. but what i loved the most was his super thick moustache. he looked like a character from Homies. i wanted to be friends but the fact he wasnt wearing a covid mask was a deal breaker.

hadn’t had a car wash in forever so as i passed this one it said $5 Wednesdays. i asked alexa what day it was (yes i have alexa in my car) and she said it’s humpday, negro. score!

totally forgot when i was in Hollywood getting to the freeway i saw how the City was cleaning up this huge homeless encampment.

smog check went great. super fast. tipped the guy a few bucks for a Coke. and then of course passed a sign for a smog check for 1/2 what i paid but you know what, his place was clean, fast, and im not even sure he tested anything. he just said, now heres a nice man with a clean car, i bet the car is in perfect shape. that’s worth an extra $20 and a Coke tip, right?

was hungry so i went past the Panorama Mall. i dont know what it is but ive been obsessed with tamales since Christmas and it never subsided because i didnt get any at Christmas and now im making up for lost time.

theres this spot where theres all these little tents of people selling things like tacos and hotdogs and ice cream and so i park and ask this guy selling ice cream if he knows if anyone is selling tamales and he said dude right next to you. didnt even notice the gigantic sign.

i paid $4 for a wet tamale last month, then $15 for a tamale meal a week later. this guy sold me two delicious tamales for $4 so i gave him a kiss on the cheek and tipped an extra buck.

ended up in an elevator with this dog named Yayo, which is the best name ever.

once i had my smog check i figured why not go to the DMV and get my registration a month early? then i thought, dude you have AAA, go to their nearest office and they’ll hook you up. and do you know what? thats exactly what they did. very little waiting. bing bang boom. they even gave me my sticker and new registration. then i said ok now can i get a lower rate on my insurance, im not driving much any more, and my car has over 100k miles, no way should i be paying big bucks.

and the dude said youre right and rewrote my thing.

btw  im eating one of those tamales right now while listening to Echo play me a crazy mix of Cure songs. which is italian for i love you tony.

wasn’t really hungry but saw that KFC had a new chicken sandwich for $4 to compete against the Popeyes sandwich so i pulled over and got one and it was good but not as huge as the Popeyes one. and this is why im fat.

drove home by 3 and as i got close to my stoop i saw that Connie was still in there getting every nook and cranny which is el salvadorian for omg amber isnt here, her clothes are gone, all of her girlie things in the bathroom are vamoosed omg tony youre a bachelor again, let me do the best job ive ever done. so i got back in my car and drove more.

might have picked up some indica at this shop off Ventura Blvd.

everyone loved my shirt.

funny story about those glasses.

theyre now in a toilet in target.

today a cop was found guilty for murdering a Black man

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it’s hours later and people still can’t believe it

even though it was on video

even though his police chief said yep it was fucked

even though there were witnesses everywhere

even though this sort of thing never happens

it happened.

people say George Floyd didn’t get justice,

that real justice would be if he would have been able to have just been treated like a human

today a dead black man was treated like a human

that may not be justice,

but it’s progress.

this month ive lived in this apartment for 20 years

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do you know what has happened in here?

the things ive written, the dreams ive had, the dreams that have come true?

the girls i kissed, the girls i stopped kissing? the girls i wished id kissed?

do you know how much tv ive watched here? how much internet ive browsed? what terrible foods ive ingested?

all the kidney stones ive passed?

LAist pretty much skyrocketed out of here. not to mention this very blog.

people ask, when ya gonna move?

and im all, don’t you see, this is a magical place?

the lady who rented me this place lived in this building for 40 years.

am i gonna break her record? probably not.

i want a garage for an electric car. i want a hot tub and a pool.

i want to throw my money into a pit.

i want a dishwasher.

i want recessed lighting.

i want what i have not got.

but what i want you to know, apartment, is i love you.

i love Geena Davis, that old lady who was in her 80s when she rented me this place despite my lack of money, good credit, or even a job.

i have not been late ever on my rent.

i want to thank mr ken layne (pictured) for moving at just the right time and telling me about this place.

and i wanna thank Shira for originally finding this place and giving it to ken when she moved out.

the santa barbara mafia has had this place since the ’90s.

and it sorta looks like it.

every day for the last month ive been trolling the LA city atty

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so if i die, investigate his ass.

im on him because he refuses to drop the charges on an LA Taco reporter who was just doing his job the night the Dodgers won the world series.

only problem was, this journalist captured video of the LAPD going wild on the crowd in the streets.

months later the cops mailed this reporter a citation saying he didn’t leave the area when he was instructed to.

huge problem with that. the constitution doesnt say “there is a freedom of the press unless the cops say fuck this, y’all need to go home now.”

in part because sometimes, as we have seen, the cops go apeshit when the shit’s going down and the only people who can check them IS the press. so no.

just last month a journalist in Iowa was aquitted for a similar so-called offense of not dispersing even in conservative ass Iowa the jury only needed two hours to uphold the constitution.

so why is the City Attorney going forward on a case he knows he has no chance of winning?

because he is running for mayor and wants the cops on his side.

even though by doing this, every journalist (rightfully) thinks he’s a moron and gutless and a puppet for the LAPD.

meanwhile this journalist is a Hispanic – which are the majority in LA – so dude’s burning that bridge too.

and yes i remind him of all of these things every week, daily, in rebuttals to every dumbass thing he tweets

which is a lot because he and his staff tweet 3-4 times a day POORLY.

so if i die go after him.

this is what i want the future to know

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i want you to know that during this year long pandemic there was probably like two or three weeks where everyone for the most part kept it together

and that was march of last year

the streets were empty, masks, social distancing, i even wore plastic gloves in the grocery stores

one guy was all: what are those for

but theres no debating these things with people.

either they’re going to be as careful as they can be

or they’re just going to go balls out and pretend that people arent STILL dying of this thing.

people have been very nice to me lately

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i was at target and apparently the baseball card guy had just been there because there were baseball cards on the shelves

one guy was there putting cards into his basket

we got to talking

he had two giant boxes in his basket and was thinking about which one would be his third

the rule is you can only buy three.

as we talked he admitted that he was there for the basketball cards and when i said i was there for the baseball ones he said, would you like one of these giant boxes?

i said yes please

and he said you know these are $40 here but you could put them right on ebay right now and get double that

i said i know but im just trying to complete the set which is hard because it’s 500 cards.

and we talked and talked and

that was just one of the people who were cool to me this week.

also, big news, i got out of my rut and i published something on Medium

about the time Quentin got screwed by Disney

today the arclight closed forever

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do you know how many dates ive had there

and movies i went there alone

and famous people i saw there and met and talked with?

im trying to write something for medium about it but its all baloney.

do i need to start drinking again?

where is my mojo.

i went a week not being to blog on this blog, how is that possible?

how can i not write about the cubs or hollywood or even this now?

saw sooooo many movies there.

gone.