“where’s tony?”

‘he’s in the back getting a spritz.’

“you can get a spritz in the back of pizzaland?”

‘you can if youre tony.’

“hey why are you speaking in single quotes?”

‘never mind, let me talk to tony.’

“tony, ladies, sorry to disturb you.”

better be important.

‘theres a disturbance on the blog.’

fuck the blog.

‘the blog’s a big earner.’

“remember aruba?”

whats going on?

‘ward entertainment feels shunned.’

fuck ward entertainment. wait, who’s ward entertainment?

‘two kids with a blog.’

ok, fuck ward entertainment.

‘they’re the ones who call you the blogfather.’

im not the blogfather.

“oh wait, you mean those two little shits who put a stinky poo next to tony’s name?”

they put turds next to my name?

‘it’s their way of honoring you, tony.’

what sort of fucked up thing is that?

‘they’re saying that youre “the shit.”‘

fucking a.

“they call that respect?”

‘they’re kids. whattya gonna do?’

what do they want?

‘they want a link.’

how much is that?


give em a fucking link.

‘also, sarah’s upset.’

fuck sarah. wait, who’s sarah?

‘that chick you like. she’s still upset by what michael jackson said.’

didnt you break his legs like i told you to?

‘it got fucked up and we only were able to break a foot.’

a foot? what the fuck? michael jackson beat your ass or some shit? you need me to show you how to break a couplea legs?

‘michael’s a fast freak. he’s got moves.’

“word is he moonwalked right through you.”

‘he spun, threw his hat. he’s quicker than you think.’

fucking michael jackson. you’re all giving me agita.

‘my recommendation is we do something special for sarah.’

a couple g’s, flowers, what?

‘shes uptight about her finals. let’s send some people up to michigan state and make sure she gets some good grades.’

we know people at michigan state?

“magic johnson.”

he went there?

“yeah, and he’s very grateful for all the laker love you give.”

ok, is that it? i feel like i havent given these ladies the proper attention.

‘theres a bunch of knuckleheads commenting on the blog.’

wack em.

‘all of them?’

any motherfucker who comes into my place and starts talking shit is begging to get wacked.

‘see thats the thing, tone, maybe they’re acting up so you give them attention. and you’ll drive traffic to their site.’

fellas. cant you see these girls are doing their best to relax me? and furthermore, dont you know how hard it is for the good people of pizzaland to turn their storage area into a sauna? take care of the blog. if it’s an earner, then dont get in the way of the earning. if it’s more of a headache, get rid of it. now where are my van goghs?

“we gave them to kinkos so that they’d print the busblog book.”

about fucking time.

“we’re gonna steal em back once the books are mailed out.”


“then we were thinking about returning them to the van gogh museum, compliments of the busblog.”

‘what for?’

we have a very good relationship with the dutch. i want to keep it that way. anything else? i think the redhead’s getting lockjaw.

just getting warmed up, tony

kitty bukkake got interviewed in the sunday boston globe yesterday.’

send her some flowers.

“actually, you promised that you’d review her book for blogcritcs.”

shit, i’ll get on that. i still havent finished it.

“no disrespect, tony, but it’s only 12 pages.”

im a very slow reader.

‘thats it, tony. thank you for your time.’

fine fine. why dont you stay for a minute. you, shut the door behind you as you leave.

‘yeah, tone?’

wack that guy on the way out. put him in a calzone and send it to the next motherfucker who talks shit.

‘got it.’

9. colby cosh

10. ward entertainment

11. raymi and laura

12. quit that

sexy sarah

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