Category Archives: Uncategorized

pretty girl said if i wrote a screen play she would become my fiancee

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and another one said in 10 years she wants to have busblog babies.

im a man with unusually low self esteem so i have no idea why these beautiful women would even want to talk to me let alone blah blah blah

today is st pattys day, jeanine and i’s anniversary

a million years ago i seduced her in sacramento, san francisco, santa barbara and then mexico during spring break

im glad we didnt have digital photography back then cuz lord knows what pictures i would have taken of that magical road trip.

sometimes the memories are better.

today i woke up early. the cats like to sleep with me, then wrestle on the new rug, then jump on the bed and get me to cuddle with them.

they mean no harm.

the boy though is getting a little rough on the girl. he likes to bite her and gnaw on her neck. she just sits there and takes it.

maybe she likes it?

they do this early when im watching CBS This Morning and im like hey no domestic abuse! they claim they dont know english but you cant bullshit a bullshitter.

i throw a sock at them and they scatter.

after i shit showered and shaved i went over to the House of Pies and got two pies for my coworkers: a Dutch Apple and a Key Lime because it was green.

they didnt seem to enjoy the Key Lime as much as the apple.

tonight after work im gonna drive all night for St. Paddys but not too late, i dont want anyone puking green in my benzo.

got into a little tiff with an NPR reporter

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he said something stupid like

“public radio would never do to you what cable news just did to you”

referring to Rachel Maddow’s hour the other day where she talked about the two pages from Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns

which didnt turn out to be the Finishing Move that many hoped theyd be.

i replied back, “when was the last time NPR had a scoop?”

he provided a link from a piece from 2015 where they won some silly award for OMG exposing the VA for not following up correctly on WWII soldiers who had been exposed to some chemical as part of a government experiment or some nonsense.

i was all, really, the VA dropped the ball (again), all the kings horses and all the kings latte sipping men of NPR and thats all a guy with 50k twitter followers from NPR can say was the best scoop theyve had in the last few years

that the VA has let down 80 year olds?

to which he said LOL scoops arent everything!

in news, yes they are.

because in news a scoop means you actually know your surroundings, you know whats going to happen next, and you have established yourself in the terrain in such a way that your sources TRUST you enough to tell you and your audience what the hell is happening that NO ONE ELSE knows yet.

my problem with NPR is they’re gutless and reactionary. anyone, once again ANYONE, can put together guests who can chit chat about something After it happens.

if you seriously consider yourself a journalist and if you truly believe that your organization is a news gathering operation, how come every other outlet from fucking TMZ to Deadspin to Gawker (RIP) to the NYT and the WaPo can deliver actually new news but you can’t?

are you even trying? are you even capable? or are you terrified you might be wrong?

we have a limited amounts of heartbeats on this twisted crust and you’re gonna sit back and let someone else do the work?

NPR, please

and when i tweeted, this is why i dont give NPR any money he liked it as if he was being cute but

laziness is never cute.

neither is pissing away great opportunity.

pretty girl canceled on me yesterday

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me!

how is that possible?

and this isnt her first time either.

i know ive gained weight, lost some hair, let myself go a little.

but deep down im still capable of magic.

or at least illusions.

later in the night she was texting me and she dropped in a little joke.

she sent me a picture of an old man and said she had had sex with him that afternoon.

now i am a man with a vivid imagination and even though nothing in Here is true,

one thing ive learned from Real Life is anythings possible.

so i believed her.

and i texted “tell me more”

time passed and she did not tell me more, it just hung there like a wedding day fart

just lofting over the congregation.

wafting, hovering, weirdly getting larger and danker and more eerie.

it became so large it grew hair on its chin and knuckles

it bought a top hat and gloves, someone put a petunia in its lapel

its fingernails grew and yellowed and curled.

it became so large a representative from Jenny Craig left a leaflet on its door.

and then she admitted that she was just kidding

jk

and i said, baby fine as you are you can do whatever you want with your body

just be careful what you do on days when you cancel on me

because that will disturb my disposition.

she apologized, sent nudes, and assured me of my place in her world.

still not sure if that old guy got any

but for today, we’ll trust in the universe

everything is a dare

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theres a pound of ham in the fridge.

not exactly sure when i put it in there.

it would be a shame for that pig to have died in vain

however, if i was a pig i would prefer that you did not eat me, thank you.

went to my actual doctor today.

like me, former xbi.

nbd. omg.

i told him i was down to a half a coke a day.

still addicted, eh? he scoffed.

which i took as a dare.

which i am taking as a dare.

theres only a few things that will kill me, he said: coke, drunk drivers, boredom.

why cant you drink tea?

in heaven im gonna drink coke every day. maybe even non stop.

fuckit, in heaven i wanna pee coke.

but most of the time we talked about barry bonds

and how incredible his last season was.

he was 42.

had to do a bunch of junk on saturday

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ran around with my head chopped off

found a secret entrance to the xbi in burbank that they forgot was there

slipped in, said hi, stole a bagel, took off

a quick hi bye gotta fly like you see in the videos

and then the day was mine but i wanted to get a car wash and i couldnt find any car wash joints in burbank so i just drove drove drove

until i was in downtown LA and i found one but it wasnt moving

the little tokyo car wash

it was tiny and it had 4 cars in there, maybe 5 and i waited but it wouldnt budge so i said screw this, the next car wash is 8 minutes south, fine. but as i drove that way i passed a spot that advertised Oriental Rugs $22.

im old enough to know that signs are the biggest liars of anyone but i figured even if it was twice the price thats exactly in my budget.

anna kournikova of all people has been nagging me to “update” my apartment. she says i have the same old tired stuff in there as when we were first in love and rolling around on the floors.

i said hey ive got two new tvs and at least 4-5 new posters gimme a break, but i know what she meant

got to the carpet place, looked at the rugs, and boom there were a bunch for $38 out the door.

pointed, dude took it down, rolled it, taped it, leaned it next to the register, i gave the lady two 20s she gave $2 back

walk out with the carpet over my shoulder

smelliest homeless dude you ever saw goes, yo buddy

i gave him my $2 and i was out like seacrest

tell us more about the 80s tony

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it’s weird being the old guy in the office

it’s weird being in an office

it’s weird being at the oscars

it’s weird still blogging

it’s weird how wifi works

it’s weird that this can instantly be published around the world

it’s weird to think that some people, who could feed the whole country, don’t.

it’s weird to think

it’s weird how much my new tire costs

it’s weird what kind of car i drive

maybe we shouldn’t even day dream when we’re young

because if you’re doing it right,

nothing ever turns out the way you thought it would.

i torture myself

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not with ropes or chains

or high heeled ladies in catsuits

and LED lit ears

spiked boots and gloomy music

in a dungeon

far below the earths surface

as they insult me with lies and fantasys

where i did this or that

and now i must be punished

starting with this

and then that.

sooooo much of this, by the way. so much. omg. like woah.

and then i have to clean up.

me!

you can always tell how easy a man has it by how soft his hands are.

how few calluses, scratches, divots, tears.

scars.

the affluent have scars, just not on their hands.

but i dont torture myself that way either.

i listen to news stations and political shows all day

and all night.

waiting for something juicy to come from the droning and speculation

and history.

but it rarely does.

still, i wait.

when the xbi wants your attention, they get it

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once upon a time i had the most simple life

and then it got simpler.

i judge the simplicity of life by two things

how many keys you have

and how many things you

have

to do every day.

one reason i left the xbi was because it became a

have to

instead of a get to.

i’ll be honest sometimes this very blog feels like a have to sometimes

and i know how to get out of that slide easily.

usually it’s tell the truth more.

ended up in urgent care bent over that very table there

theres a window with some venetian blinds to the right

but theyre a rip off because when you part them

it’s a view of nothing.

not nothing nothing, but not what you wanna see when youre looking for something good in the world

when you need to see something good in the world.

you know it’s there somewhere and it sure would be nice for it to be right out there past the garbage somewhere

drove a guy named mario the other day

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he told me marriage is a suckers game

told me he met this woman who turned out was super rich because her dad owned a building in DTLA

and when he died she got it

and it brought in $100k a month.

he said she bought so many shoes they needed their own bedroom. there were purses everywhere. after a while they stopped having sex so he was all, i want a divorce. secretly he was thinking maybe he would get some of this cash because he sure as hell wasnt making $100k a month.

but in the divorce settlement it turned out that because that money went through a trust, it didn’t count as income for her in divorce court

indeed in that court it appeared she had zero income,

so he has to pay her alimony.

he’s a baker.

he told me: just go to hookers. it’s cheaper and better sex.