today’s os’s birthday, he’s 24

Posted on July 22, 2016 by tony

born to long time kentuckians on the allegheny river on a river boat in a flood,

os is building a recording studio on the banks of his shallow end

and even though this isnt what i said to him when i saw how beautifully it was coming along

this is what i would like

i would like all of our friends to record all of their songs in the studio

and call it the sugarfoot sessions.

what i said was

how much do those little water sprinklers cost

hanging from the ceiling in case something catches fire

the answer was

woooo boy.

id also like the friends to record the songs of other bands

the bands that cant be with us, but who should be re recorded

because no one else is gonna do it

and it would be a shame to let those great tunes

just fade away.

when i didnt tell him all of that, his oldest child was playing soccer

in his baseball uniform.

technically it was his all star uniform for he was about to play in an all star game.

i said, you know what people remember the most from their all star games?

he said what. the boy’s 10 years old. by the way. where does time go?

i said fights.

fight em all.

the inside of that plate is yours.

lean in and if they plunk you, charge the mound.

not sure if os agreed but he didnt disagree.

hey tony, how havent you gotten married yet?

Posted on July 21, 2016 by tony

dear tony,

ive read your blog. ive read your tweets, ive seen your instagrams,

ive read your palm, ive audited your taxes, ive investigated your tarot.

you are a libra on the scorpio cusp. bad moon rising.

you’re healthy, semi-wealthy, and wise.

you have no problem talking with women or making even the most uncooperative of us smile.

you’re nearly 100 years old (black sure dont crack). so why havent you gotten married ever?

my guess: you are afraid of commitment, intimacy, and you hide behind your blog.

signed,

Famous Expert

dear expert,

some of what you say is true. i am wise. and im healthy. the rest, you should do more research.

i am not afraid of anything except the good lord (rightfully) nixxing me from Paradise.

when it comes to romance i go all in. i’ll fly to foreign lands, i’ll fly the lands to me.

i pay for everything. i give up everything.

i do all of the things ive seen other men refuse to do, not because of any other reason than i think its fun.

but there are several outside forces that, if you have truly read this blog, i have laid out repeatedly: the first is the undercover agency the xbi. they like it when i am sans babes. i get to help them save the world when im solo. the second is the angels. sometimes they pull apart the good things that i have going so the young lady can blossom somewhere else outside of my every clutching clutches. and the third is me. i am not as incredible in real life as i am on the www. i dress very badly, i have a spare tire belly, i eat at mcdonalds like every day, and i dont have a jealous bone in my body. believe it or not, that bothers some ladies.

regardless, i do not have the same goals as many on the planet. i do not think a wife, kids, and a minivan is the key to happiness. i think it can bring happiness. and im sure i could have been happy if one thing led to another and poof i was softball soccer dad driving my spawn to the bowling alley for tapdance lessons. but for some reason it didnt work out that way.

and i am willing to conclude that thats fine.

do i look at some of my friends and sigh and think wow, fucking kickass house, fucking sweet pool, fucking beautiful fam? yes. do i ever, even for a minute think, i wonder if that was me?

no.

because that is nothing at all who tony pierce, xbi agent to the stars, busblog uber driver to LA, was meant to do.

for better or worse i was not put here to pay off a mortgage.

for worse or better i was put here to kiss pretty girls from around the world.

and then write about some of it

and take pictures in a canadian mirror after being interrogated by the border patrol

for you.

and you.

and them.

because they are busy raising the next generation and paying off that mortgage

and driving to tennis camp.

and when they see what i have to say

which is

none of this is true

they wont be tempted to do it too.

q: did Lyin Ted live up to his nickname?

Posted on July 20, 2016 by tony

a: no. his whole damn speech was about Freedom and looking good in the eyes of your daughter who wont kiss you

and they applauded like monkeys

until they realized the whole thing was a sneaky little set up.

for him to say, we all just agreed that freedom was kewl

now im free to take a shit in your punch bowl.

god bless me and god bless america.

before he was Lyin Ted

he was Douchebag Ted

which is the Ted he’s always been

and only a great negotiator like trump

would invite him to his super sweet 16 without

a deal.

50 years from now when theyre teaching kids about the election of the first female president

i hope they leave out the part where the GOP couldnt stop shooting themselves.

dear tony, no offense but

Posted on July 20, 2016 by tony

pikachu Lana asks, “No offense but, does it make you feel good your blog about nothing gets you jobs and dates and not REAL merit? Just popularity?”

Firstly my blog is about Everything: sex, drugs, rock, religion, politics, Hollywood, Uber, Lyft, movies, Isla Vista, journalism, blogging, writing, the secretive xbi, doubting, art, magic, and love. You should read it.

Now, does it make me feel good that it has gotten me jobs? I can’t believe it did get me jobs.

Not just any jobs but amazing jobs. Jobs I never thought I’d ever get. Jobs so magical a few don’t even exist any more. Low paying jobs, high paying jobs, middle paying jobs.

All because I clack clack clacked on a keyboard, added an image and hit Publish 15 years ago.

It makes me feel good because this blog got attention not because i was some long legged long haired curvy young lady with an LA face and an Oakland booty, but because the words i typed connected with people in a special way – which is quite an achievement in this cluttered space called the web.

No one reached down from Above and said, listen everyone you MUST read the busblog (actually many did) (which also made me feel all warm and loved inside) but most of those people were not hugely influential massive bloggers.

Some were, which was lovely, but what I am saying is CNN didn’t put me on their homepage week after week with a direct link here and a headline that said OMG TONY YES!

The so-called popularity that you seem to have an issue with was entirely organic, natural, and beautiful. Which is probably why it sustained for so long.

Did it make me feel good that lovely ladies from around the world wanted to go on “dates” with me because of the things I wrote?

No. I wanted them to want me for my body, not my mind.

Which brings us to “REAL merit”.

There are only three people who matter to me, merit-wise, in regards to my blogging here on the busblog.

My dear mother
Jesus
All the ladies out there who secretly want me

If I can warm the hearts of all three of these very important people in my life then that is Real merit to me.

And let me tell you, trying to hit the center of that Venn diagram is not as easy as it looks. My mom doesn’t like swear words, even though I study the bible regularly I’m still unsure what Jesus would find wonderful in this blog, and I am even more clueless about the third group. So I just try to keep it real and come from a place of Goodness and see what happens.

With that said we are here to rock. Every car has a gas pedal and a brake. My old sink has a hot And a cold faucet. And as a red blooded American single man I have a ying AND a very much alert yang.

All of my favorite writers (Bukowski, Twain, Moses, etc) kept it real.

I feel the most satisfied inside immediately after I have finished a blog post where I feel like I have kept it really real and the words sang in a way. To me that is real merit.

But then there’s the bigger picture. The less selfish one: how did what I write or say help others?

If my blogging (or Blog Editing) helped people express themselves or get jobs or dates or whatever they were looking for, then that gives me even more satisfaction. That might be harder for you, an outsider, to see, but when I ran the great LA blog, LAist, or the dozens of blogs at the LA Times, I was able to be with people in a way that hopefully was beneficial to them. And that interaction was rooted, weirdly, in my personal experiences of writing the world famous.

So to answer your question, does it make me feel good that blah blah blah not real merit just popularity?

The only time I feel really good is when someone surprises me with a nude on snapchat, when my momma tells me she liked what I wrote, when the Cubs win the World Series, when my bosses tell me fucking a great job tony, or when the girl in my bedroom says “i just Postmated some Poutine, whatever will we do for twenty minutes?”

the rest of the time i’m a bawling mess alone in my messy room desperately searching for the approval from others.

my snapchat is Tsarfan

nothing in here is true

Posted on July 19, 2016 by tony

thanks mrs obama it is human nature to mimic

it’s how we learn.

it’s also human nature to lie when we are caught in an embarrassing situation.

but the best part about being a human

is to appreciate the importance of

not

doing the things that little kids do

like lie, and steal, and cheat.

it’s called maturing.

it’s called evolving.

it’s called growing.

when MLK was being called names and getting things thrown at him, don’t you think his first instinct was to lash back

don’t you think an orator as skilled as he could have replied to the ignorant slurs with some choice comebacks of his own?

instead he did what the racists never thought he’d do, he forgave them, he embraced them, he showed them love

when we think about who should lead the biggest, strongest nation that ever existed

do we really want someone who hasn’t really matured?

i do, because i am a whore for free entertainment

and i believe that when we die we will go to heaven.

(he will kill us all.)

dear tony, are you sure you’re not a rock star?

Posted on July 18, 2016 by tony

tom morello

let’s see…
cubs hat: check
cubs shirt: check
beautiful cherry wood gibson SG: check
but i let my axe hang a lot lower than that
also, the only time i wear a cubs hat and cubs shirt at the same time is at Wrigley Field

but i do love Tom Morello and Rage and what he wrote in yesterdays LA Times

is better than anything i ever wrote there times 100

when i was a kid i had the biggest dreams

Posted on July 18, 2016 by tony

amber i wanted to manage the cubs

i wanted like 27 kids

and i wanted to give half of my salary to charity.

when i was in college i gave up on the cubs

i only wanted six kids

and i wanted to be a college professor one day.

when i moved back to LA the second time

my dreams were way simpler:

i wanted hot babes to love me

and i wanted to see as many great rock shows as i could.

today my dreams are even simpler

i want to fix the world

and give 3/4 of my salary to charity.

tonight i saw donald trump make a fool out of himself on tv because his money grubbing hasnt satisfied him so now he wants to aquire as much power as he can get

and i watched on twitter as kim kardashian stood by her man via snapchat.

we all have dreams.

some are bigger than others.

the first thing i want to fix is the block that i have preventing me from writing about my big plan.

but everything comes to you in due time.

will you be ready for it is the real question.

I’m a little surprised at how bad this graphic is by the Hillary campaign.

Posted on July 16, 2016 by tony

hillary on pence

How about this:

1. Mike Pence believes that gays and lesbians can be turned “straight” via therapy and HIV/AIDS funding should be diverted to pay for it.

2. He abandoned plans to start a state-run news agency once his local newspaper found out about it.

3. Is so in the pocket of Big Tobacco he once wrote “Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill.”

4. He believes George Washington was a Republican… even though Washington was against political parties.

5. Lost a bid for Congress when it was discovered he used political donations to pay the mortgage on his house, golf tournament fees and car payments for his wife.

But whatever. Trump + Pence is a Hindenburg. It’s probs best to just stay far a way.

tsar’s band girls money turns 11 today

Posted on July 15, 2016 by tony

ive had a charmed life

ive kissed the prettiest girls

ive traveled the world

you you and you have read my humble little blog.

but one of the best parts of my life has been the friendships that ive been lucky enough to have

and of those friends, it has been so nice to have friends who literally rock

Tsar is comprised of friends i met in college. some from the dorms and some from the Nexus.

and Solomon came straight from the pages of the Good Book.

this video is from the Bootleg when they opened for Nerf Herder.

what a great show. in part because of Dan’s mustache.

xbi gave me a pair of tickets to see Boston tonight

Posted on July 14, 2016 by tony

boston 1978 but then there were all these strings attached as to whom i could bring

theyre trying to set me up with someone in the agency who is nice

and smart, and easy on the eyes

if you like that sorta thing

but shes super bossy and judgemental and plays things waaaaay too safe if you ask me.

she keeps asking me why i dont have a house

and why my apartment is better furnished

i told her that some things deserve attention and other things dont.

i told her that im laser focused right now.

when i get home i make sure the cats have steak in their bowls

and theres plenty of gingerale in the gingerale fountain.

then i look at the kitty litter to make sure their poops are blue and green

then i look in the fridge and make sure theres plenty of liver and bacon and apple cider.

whats the difference between apple cider and apple juice she asked me once.

and i said there are some things that deserve attention and other things dont.

then i told her i turn on my bedroom tvs and fire up my xbox and ps4

and she asked why do you need both game systems.

i told her, are there only blondes and brunettes running around? she said what?

i said there are more than just those two systems, you know.

and i said then i switch on the ceiling fan and open the window and guess what, im about 80 percent satisfied with life right there.

she said what about love?

i said, are you the pokemon of love that i better catch or someone else will get it and live forever and ever in utter happiness

and she couldnt say yes so i said, then you probably should either grab a joy stick

or order us some soul food because this is the part of my day where i take off my pants.

and thats how i lost my tickets to Boston tonight