yes i do have a question for you.

i have lots of questions for you.

my first question for you is which of those rifles do you think Jesus would buy?

second question: dont more homosexuals frost their hair than heterosexuals?

third question: what are you doing with your hand in your pocket?

fourth question: what does being American mean to you? does it mean hating everyone who is different than you? does it mean trying to pass laws to prevent those people from living their lives?

fifth question: shouldnt you have an ozzy shirt on?

sixth question: unless your parents are jewish hippies, when you completely align with your parents in your teens you push back the normal period of rebellion into your college years.

do you realize that means that you will be listening to clay aiken on your 21st birthday and fugazi on your 22nd? thats like putting boiling water in a glass pitcher of ice.

do you realize youre about to crack? and you’ll be armed?

seventh question: shouldnt you be smoking weed, beating off to paused tivoed frames of jessica simpson’s cleavage, thinking the offspring are punk, and losing at online xbox games?

yes, canada, this is whats growing up right next door to you.

we can only hope he meets the right girl who slips him a little acid and takes him to prince concert.

or better yet, meets a boy.

aint no bad dude + karisa’s college apartment + annika flatters me

thank you but i must return your check for ten million dollars to write ads for your re-election campaign.

i have no problem attatching my good name to the work that i would do for you, but im afraid of what you’d do to this country and to the world if you were allowed four additional years to the four you stole.

you’ve started a vietnam in the deserts of iraq and within a year or two the concept of an involuntary draft will be as real as the concept of paying two twenty five a gallon for unleaded.

its shameful that you get to be called an american.

americans have courage and that doesnt mean the courage to continue to fuck up, but the courage to chill the fuck out and stand down ho and i know that you cant do one thing gracefully to save your soul but this one is cake.

you stand behind whatever mother they put in there and you bring everyone home but youre not gonna cuz youre addicted to that gooshy sticky stuff.

youve unified iraq in their hate for america, now let them vote for who hates us most and leave

like a bitch

ive never seen our flag take on so many different meanings than in the last four years and most of them sicken me.

how ironic the flag on the upper left corner of the life changing check that i am sending back to you.

plus its missing a zero and you never brought back twin peaks.

william hung + kitty bukkake + raymi the minx + the daily stern

i get a lot of female readers. some of them write to me and offer suggestions and requests.

i always try to fulfill requests. so there you are gals,

a moist prince william.

fucked up and took at nap at 7pm last night.

didnt wake up until 9:15p, far too late to go to the tsar show. second tsar show in two days that i missed.

their four song cd sampler that they gave out at the el rey has been on repeat in my boombox

theyre four hard rock in your face anthems that reek of passion and remind you that you havent heard very many guitar solos lately.

if tsar does one thing with this new record, its that they will reintroduce the guitar solo.

rock guitar solos, unlike princely good looks dont just happen naturally

but tsar makes it seem that way

the songs on the cd sampler, so that you can look back and say, pierce told us about this shit back in april of oh four are

band-girls-money

wanna get dead

wrong

straight

with a little ditty called star time that ive been linking on this blog since last year.

thats five kickassfuckyou modern rock ready

singles

that make jet look like a poor mans georgia satelites.

which they are.

i dont know when this record is going to come out, but when it does im not only going to ask each of you to buy a copy, but im going to ask you to buy two.

i dont care if i ever have kids or get married or get rich or live to 112, and after watching the cubs this weekend, they seriously might be cursed.

but i can perhaps help tsar make it.

and you can help too.

this is evil music for evil people, the way it should be

with a positive message of hope and love and heterosexuality for no good reason.

and when you buy your two copies, i want you to give one to the person who first taught you about rock

as a thank you.

im going to give a copy to my long lost friend sonja melcher who in high school first played adam ant duran duran the cure and the sex pistols for me.

im going to give a copy to my long lost pal willie aaron who turned me on to coletrane monk and the replacements

and im going to give a copy to kcrw’s music manager gary calamar who hired me at the record store that i met willie and many other excellent people and who played elvis costello tom waits and the velvet underground for me.

you might even be able to buy autographed copies from this very blog.

if youre lucky.

casey + bored housewife + candied ginger

a five foot bong in his hands so as to appease the pot smoking voters of america. some people say the pot smoker vote isnt an important one but they couldnt be more wrong. the pot smokers are the first to give someone a chance.

the other day i was at a rock concert and a jay made its way down our row. being straightedge i let it pass by but nearly everyone in our little area was taking puffs and handing it to the next person and none of those people knew what was in that thing but they all just trusted and believed.

those are the people that i would want to talk to if i was running for an elected office.

i would consider them an easy vote.

our vice president, though, yesterday chose to pander to the gun owners association.

parents get all up in arms about their kids seeing nipples on tv or hearing howard stern talk to strippers because it might fuck up their children and damage them somehow

but i bet you every day a kid gets shot and or killed by a gun. no wait, im wrong.

every day 14 kids are killed, 81% from guns.

wheres the parental outrage?

sure those are numbers from 1999, the last time the CDC decided to do a study, but 14 kids, 13 kids, 12 kids, even one kid a day dying from a gun, you’d think this would be an issue for those who pretend to be all freaked out by shock jocks.

far as i can tell, howard stern saying penis hasnt killed anyone.

In 2001, gun violence killed 29,573 Americans. thats 81 a day. thats more than 3 an hour. thats more than one gun-related death every 20 minutes.

but there you have the vice president holding his phallic symbol of power and protection and defense and safety.

three incredibly handsome men checking out that nice long hard shaft.

whoops a kid just died.

in ninety minutes another one will go.

dont let it get you down though, fellas, odds are it was a brown kid.

keanuvision + the ward + bing

but was 4 and 15, and is now back being the redlegs’ closer. strike one to uh ram iz.

strike one called to boos. aramis drives a single to center, crowd cheers. griffey throws it to second.

derek lee who is two for three. strike called. boos.

low in the dirt. a ball and a strike. drink.

organ gets a few keys pressed.

inside curve far inside. two and one.

strike swinging. two and two. cubs down by one. hard hit to left center. gasps. griffey has it.

barrett hasnt gotten a hit all day and of course in the middle of this drama chip caray says that this has been a wgn blah blah blah gotta thank the producer and the director and all the fine people at wgn and im thinking fuck you bro we just got this catcher fuck you bro what are you telling the fans. fuck you bro isnt that why we have credits why do the fine people at wgn get shout outs. lil kim is the shout shoutout of the day not the fine fucking people at gn. who are they anyway you fucking kiss ass.

this is why people hate you. this game went super fast. thank those fucking schmoes during the 10th Inning. fuck.

curveball outside. drink.

one ball drink and oh.

84. jim h.

way inside. see fucker. see. two and oh. we’re only down by one asshole. fouled away. only one out two and one. cubs down by one, fans. cubs have a good bench.

way inside. three balls and a strike. drink. do the asswipes sound excited? does a bear shit in the woods and wipe his ass with chip caray’s “talent”

grounder to short tosses it to first but valentine pulls his foot off first. safe at first.

todd hollandsworth comes up. hes a great pinch hitter. reds pitching coach don gullet goest to the mound. hollandsworth smashed a pinch hit homer yesterday. had one in atlanta as well.

hollandsworth was a marlin a rockie and a dodger.

first pitch grounder up the middle and the cubs lose but you couldnt tell from chip caray who calls it a beautifully pitched ball game and not the emotional tragedy that it was.

raymi is beautiful + bunnie has a nice long post + makeout city

as we waltz into the bottom of the ninth.

cubs up 2-1. wind still blowing in.

strike one gets the fans cheering some more. foul strike two to casey. crowd gets even more loud. casey hasnt gotten a hit all day.

wood has struck out six and two walks. foul ball out of play.

casey digs in on the left hand side of the plate. wood is a righty. grounder up the middle. tying run on first with your boy adam dunn up.

hes been on base three times today with a homer a single and a walk. fouled off, strike one.

outside curve called a strike low. not sure if that was a strike but we’ll take it.

one ball drink two strikes.

curt schilling beat mike mussina today. go sox. two and two is the count with ryan freel on deck.

close outside pitch this time is called a ball.

drink.

crowd boos. full count. walks him, he bitches at the ump. barrett gets in the way of wood who is chawwing at the ump. the crowd boos louder. dusty who got thrown out yesterday runs to the ump. it did look like a strike on further review. but theres no crying and no replaying in baseball.

down with the commish.

cubs looking for the triple play. juan castro comes in to run for casey. bunt by freel. great bunt, ramirez comes in barehands it throws it out. runners advance. pitching coach larry rothchild goes to the mound. the whole infield listens to what he tells kerry wood.

jason la rue is up. the crowd is up. one out and theyre on their feet. cubs at normal depth in the infield. strike one swinging. why isnt the cub infield in. fly deep to left. back alou nabs it, run scores.

people boo but it might be alllouuuu. its a tie game. lidle is off the hook.

wily mo pena is up. strike one. fouled off for strike two.

pena digs in. crowd cheers. high heat fouled off. theyre going to go through it again. kerry toes the rubber. crowd builds it up ball outside. drink hos.

wily mo pena. drives it to center. gets behind patterson. reds are up 3-2. dumbass steve stone and chip caray show no emotion cuz they suck. they should be heartbroken as all cub fans are. they should be pissed at the ump pissed at dusty but they have no souls they’re hacks. harry would be sad you could hear it in his voice.

dusty comes to mound to give the hook to wood, as soon as kerry gives the ball to dusty he yells at the ump a word that starts with f and rhymes with suck you and your cunt mother. the ump throws him out he runs at the ump the ump throws him out again. the crowd cheers and fuckfaces thats how you should be feeling right now. pissed off angry pissed sad angry and angry. that is if you have a soul that is if you know how to do your jobs. youre not the mouthpeices of the tribune corp youre the eyes and ears of the fans. stoney sat with harry and chip is harrys grandson. stil they sit on their hands like it cant be done any other way than the costas way.

i wish i could throw chip and steve out of the game. dusty pushes kerry away and kerry looks like hes gonna cry. the fans cheer and kerry breaks at least a half dozen fcc rules of indecency because i could swear i lip-read him say something about donkey balls. baker pushes him to the dug out, kerry strains for eye contact, steve stone continues to be boring and chip caray tries to be professional but if i wanted professional id be watching this on espn. wood yanks his hat off. the crowd loves him.

i love him. he went nine and a third. now in the dugout he throws his hat onto the field in disgust. a helmet is thrown. the crowd is going wild. they should. the ump is taking notes. he can shove the notes up his ass. the bleacher bums throw trash over the fence and onto the field. caray and stone throw nothing. im throwing my trash into the yard.

im putting this game on tivo pause. kent merker comes in for the cubs. bleacher bums chant bullshit bullshit. the fcc doenst fine wgn. even though thats 47,000 people yelling indecencies.

grounder to short ends the innings to a chorus of boos and this time they really are boos.

this is great.

2-1 cubs. which rhymes with lubs and i lubs that chili at chili’s

corey patterson grounds it to second off the new pitcher, wagner.

sammy sosa strides to the plate with cheers around him.

sammy gets a called strike. stike one.

next ball drink is outside. one and one.

sammy fouls the next one back. one and two. sammy looks fit, fine. remember he started last year with a foot problem. healthy as a horse this year. close one but a ball drink. two and one.

sammy pops it high thats two outs, the kids boo but its not boing its bruce springsteen at the game.

maybe they are booing after those last few records.

the ghost of tom joad?

one and one to alou. 93 mile an hour sinker gets away in the dirt. two and one.

low ball drink three and one. three and one equals four. stay in school kids.

check swing grounder to first sends us to the ninth.

damn this is faster than the patriot act zipping through congress unread.

we’ll be back after this.

who pitched pretty well but is on the hook for the loss if the cubs hold this lead.

wood gets him in the hole 1-2 before he knows it.

gets caught looking at strike three thats six k’s for kerry.

jiminez jumps out of the way of ball two.

drink, and do it in style, old style.

looks at the first strike, two and one and now two and two.

this game is going so fast youd think someone had a date tonight they want to get ready for.

full count on a close pitch.

jiminez fouls off the 100th pitch by wood. then fouls off 101. wood can pitch 125 no problem. but walks jiminez, who can run with all star barry larkin now up and griffey on deck.

i think wood likes these situations. he rubs the ball drink and gets ahead quickly oh and two.

47,607 fans in the park including john cusak my mom calls to tell me.

she bet my brother in law that i wasnt watching the game.

i told her to look at the world famous busblog.

foul ball, its 1-2. wood breaths into his fist, wood throws it past barrett. wild pitch. steve stone calls it a passed ball but hes a pitcher. whattya expect. get it near the plate, stoney, if you want a wild pitch. grounder to wood throws to first runner advances. but two outs

for mr ken griffey junior who is greeted with boos.

all star hall of famer vs all star hall of famer probably. griffey jr vs wood. ball and a strike. drink.

griffey doesnt look like hes aged a day. remember when his rookie card was worth everything.

ball two, drink, two and one.

i guess his rookie isnt so bad, its going for $71 with six hours left in the auction.

wanna know what to pay? ask ebay. ebay auctions.

line drive to left. diving catch by alou. its a snowcone, alou lifts his mitt with the ball poking out the top and the ump calls it an out.

everyone cheers but it sounds like boos thats moises alou for your asses and we go to the bottom of the eighth.

three pitch strikeout swinging.

why couldnt we get a-rod again?

kerry wood steps in there to a nice cheer from the fans. the count is 1-1 the score is 2-1 cubs.

wood pops it up to first and throws his bat in anger. casey drifts and catches the foul. one out.

walker takes his time getting into the box so as to let kerry wood get back to the dugout.

watch him take the first pitch or two so wood can get his breath back if he gets an out.

wouldnt want the pitcher out of breath if he has to pitch right away.

the first pitch is a fast ball down the middle, walker pops it foul for the third out.

wood’s fast ass never touches the pine and we’re speeding to the eighth.

kerry wood takes the mound with a lead. it’s two nothing there in the seventh.

big adam dunn with four homers is up with the count 1-1. woods curveball looks like a whiffle ball, a long shot to right a homer for dunn. the red headed kid throws it back to the cheers of the crowd but there goest the shuttout.

what did he throw back old style drinkers.

the home run ball.

drink.

freel pops to short for the first out of the seventh.

cubs two reds one. you can never tell the score too much. ryan wagner warms up for the reds. a pop out to second and there quickly the reds have two outs for wily mo pena.

a ninety six mph wood slider is fouled off. and then wood strikes him out.

jimmy collins from u of i chicago sings take me out to the ball game.

“take me out to the ball game

“take me out to the park?

“buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks” now two for one at rite aid, rite aid

“i dont care if i ever get back

“let me? root root root for the cubbies

“if they dont win its ashame

“cuz its one

“two

“three strikes your out

“at the old ball game.

“alright cubs lets gets some runs

“lets get it going baby.”