did i almost die yesterday? probs

IMG_2249

did it feel like it?

nope.

it didnt even feel like a two hour ride.

the weirdest thing is we drove 21 miles. made several stops.

and all i got out of it, other than the incredible conversation with the

gang member drug dealer and his bff sorta girlfriend

was $79 and a far better understanding of south central

and which liquor stores i should go into and not go into

and where in koreatown i should

just completely avoid

because death awaits

my negro.

have i told you about all the great things that have happened because of this blog?

britneyive been doing this gangsta shit since 2001 and in that time this blog has gotten me jobs and travel and friends and fancy cars and pretty much everything a man could ever want.

but today, a little bird reminds me, is the tenth anniversary of when a beautiful young lady, aged 21 i think, flew across the country to meet me.

and when she arrived i picked her up at the airport and drove her to my house and she put her suitcase on the floor and we looked at each other

and i said, well. and she said, yep.

and i said you flew all the way here to meet me?

and she said yep.

and i said here i am.

and she said and here i am.

so i slowly took off my cowboy shirt and hat and she took off hers.

and we stood there, hatless looking at each other as my christmas lights twinkled and i said, so you’ll do whatever i want right now?

and she said yep.

so i said twirl around a little so i can see if youre carrying a weapon.

and she said you are way better than i expected.

and i discovered that she was not carrying any weapons

and that was just the first of many discoveries that we had that weekend and it was, ive gotta say, one of the top ten things that have happened to me that wouldnta happened if i hadnta written a blog way back in 2001

which is one of the reasons i try to convince everyone out there in the world to write write write write or draw draw draw or whatever you do

do it.

because it just might ring true to someone else. and they might be tall and tanned and way prettier in real life

than on flickr.

i wanna do cool things, all the time

bridgedont you?

i wanna try and experiment and work

and create and push limits and inspire

and figure shit out and rock rock

till we all die.

i had lunch with a pretty girl the other day who said she started working for this place a few months ago and

she’s pretty fancy so they promised her all these things if she worked there

but then her boss’s boss took off and was replaced by this new boss

and that boss would say that she was super punk rock and experimental

but it turned out she was just the opposite

more like a country line dance.

everything had to be exactly the same as it was before and everyone had to do it

and this boss was super awkward to talk with even thought she said

you know karen i have an open door policy

which shoulda been a red flag right away because thats like if you have a girlfriend

and she says, you know tony, i would never cheat on you

with two guys behind a 7-11

on a sunday night

when you are at home reading the bible

even if we just had a fight and id always dreamt of

doing it in the back seat

of an El Camino on an unusually warm spring night

in the valley.

today is mary’s birthday, she’s 24

mary hugging bearas you well know by now she was my first girlfriend when we were in high school in illinois

i havent heard from her since she sen me a little toy truck several years ago

and we havent seen each other since there were fires in san dieger, where she has been living since forever.

when we were kids we would write each other every day using stationary and colored pens and i would draw things and she would say the sweetest things and i would say them right back.

every day the biggest thrill in the world was going to the mail box and getting one of her letters. it was like getting a message from Heaven itself.

maybe im still writing her with this blog.

maybe i moved to california the day i could just to get her back

maybe i never moved out of california so we would maybe one day run into each other and say oh hey

would she even recognize me?

maybe i wear a cubs hat every day so she would

maybe ive never gotten married or had kids or gone to jail so the door would remain open and we could finish what we started in schaumburg and hayward

which was making out in the back seat of my cadillac right before the cops broke it up because why would a beautiful, tall blonde girl want with a skinny dude with an afro?

maybe life is figuring out the answer to that.

what if she moved away to hawaii long ago and im just a dog going to a bowl thats been empty for ever

and right next door is a damn dog food factory but hes just sniffing that empty bowl

that used to be filled with pork chops

and apple sauce.

hawaii it is

interview with Drew Martin

drew in front of a painting he created

Of the Murderers Row at the Daily Nexus in the late ’80s, early ’90s, our secret weapon was the Art Desk.

Led by your boy Todd Francis, no fewer than a dozen artists could be seen in the award winning college newspaper’s pages during any given week. Any one of them would have been stars on their own on any other paper, but at the Nexus they were just another great reason to smile.

color blind boyDrew Martin was tall, quiet, sensitive, insightful, with a spirituality of an Indian shaman mixed with the cool disposition of a 747 pilot.

While his peers donned thrift store chic and mismatched socks, Drew was impeccably dapper: fitted ironed shirts and all around GQ style.

He was clearly a cop. But his cartoons were out of this world.

The one I remember most was a series about a tall skinny young man who had many questions for the universe.

Obviously autobiographical, but not at all narcissistic, in one episode the hero strips down nude and climbs the Career Resource Building on campus at night and stares into the stars and eventually falls asleep, fragile, innocent, and open to answers.

I believe some watercolors were involved, lots of lines, and some backwards lettering. Not at all the type of juvenile frat boy nonsense you’d see in college papers around the country, this was deep, inspiring heavy shit.

And like I said before, it was just one of the long line of illustrative genius within the pages that many took for granted from the Nexus because it came at you every damn day. Each day beefier than the next. Each page more fascinating. Each week a cacophony of creativity.

Because Drew was sent from another planet to keep an eye on our friends, he accepted Matt Welch and Ben Sullivan’s invitation to join English language newspaper in Prague they’d started after we were all done at UCSB, Prognosis. Beers were fifty cents and rent was $50 and instead of being another forgotten intern at a dumb dusty daily, these revolutionaries got to continue to blaze new journalistic paths on their own terms with the spirit of the world’s greatest college rag as their compass.

While many of the staff dressed and looked like this:

layne and whalen

Drew looked like this:

drew martin in prague
photos by Karen Broome

I only remember working personally with Drew one time at the Daily Nexus. (A nod to the saying about Woodstock: if you remember it, you weren’t there)

I was putting together Friday Magazine which had always been a comedy publication but because I didn’t think I could pull off 8 pages of yucks, I turned it into a druggie thing called Fryday Magazine in hopes of quickly being relieved of my duties. What i really wanted was to run the Arts section.

So the plan was to fill every page with different ways to do drugs on campus and in neighboring Isla Vista. And who better to exploit than our huge stable of artists. Instead of page numbers I had the talented Moish draw a variety of mushrooms. So on page two there would be two mushrooms, page three would have three… On the cover was a drawing of a student reading the issue they were holding in their hand while his mind was exploding with all sorts of psychedelia and clip art. Inside there was a map with tips on where to do what and where not to do the other.

Of course I wanted Drew to contribute and I’m not sure if he did or not but I do remember one moment of clarity. After I explained the theme, Drew said a friend of his was going to try LSD for the first time and he asked if I had any advice. That question inspired me to ask a different artist to create some art that we would put in squares on the paper and deem “do it yourself blotter: just add acid” so the readers could literally get high off their school’s newspaper.

I looked Drew right in the eye and very slowly said, “before you takes any hallucinogens, clean yr  room.”

Yesterday, a million years after we ruled the world beneath Storke Tower, Drew asked for and received an interview with me and I was very honored to participate. You can read it here on his long running blog The Museum of Peripheral Art.

when im not volunteering at the soup kitchen

anna kournikovasexting anna or fighting crime for the xbi

i’m doing my best to be a great son.

so every mothers day i send my mom flowers and a note and she always takes a picture of the bouquet and regardless of its condition she always says

soooo beautiful!

whats weird is it’s very difficult for florists in chicago to actually put together a truly beautiful arrangement and deliver it to my mom so every year i try a different place.

last year i was satisfied. the place got these great tulips together and got them to the crib and all was good in the hood.

so this year i ordered with plenty of time and the delivery fee was fine and the price was right but

in my mind

they said they had to deliver it on Thursday before Mother’s Day which didn’t bother me. because as long as it’s early thats cool.

so i called my mom yesterday and i said how are the flowers

she said, there were no flowers.

and i nearly crashed the helicopter.

was all Siri, what the fuck

and Siri was like, bro the flowers wont be there until Tuesday

i was all, Tuesday? Why Tuesday? and Siri said because thats when you set the order for n word. and i rewinded my memory but it didn’t go that far back and im telling you, i might be losing my mind. in the history of me being my mothers son ive never snet her a Mothers Day gift late, why would i Schedule something to be late?

it gets worse.

my mom was all, i know i told you you didnt have to send anything, but i was on my way to the hairdresser and it was Saturday and you hadnt sent anything and I saw an Amazon truck and sometimes you send me weird things and I had never even seen an Amazon truck before so i turned around and asked the man

is there something in there for me?

and he said, no.

worst son in the entire planet!

but because shes the greatest mom in the world she said, dont worry you can make it up to me when you come out here in the fall.

i said i can?

she said yeah, just get me some Cubs tickets and buy the first few rounds of beers.

which is 100% true. and why i love her so. and why anna has such a hard time getting me to commit.

do you know some people actually pretend to get uptight about words?

old chella

they waste their time trying to look good, but they fail.

and worse, they never get to any real issue. let’s say someone uses a word that you’d never hear Tom Brokaw use.

instead of trying to figure out if that word triggers something to themselves, they do the most obvious thing

they say, “that word should not be acceptable for use.”

which makes me say, “the concept that some words should not be acceptable to use is fucked up”

and then we devolve into a bunch of monkeys barking at each other.

words in the hands of people not being 100% honest are far more dangerous than

words in the hands of people trying to make an actual point.

do we all pretend a little as we go through our day?

how are you? FINE

how was your weekend? GOOD

sure, but none of that adds to the real conversations of our lives.

while i’m not surprised that some people are stuck in the boring motions of automatic responses and faux outraged,

it does become tiresome after awhile.

what i am encouraged by is things like DesertTrip.com, a concert of six incredible artists from the 60s

who DID NOT say fine when they got to rock the mic

they said and sang things that were uncomfortable, controversial, and real.

and now they have found a way to charge a pretty penny to say it

and people are gobbling it up.

rock on, my niggas

 

i tried an experiment last night but im no scientist

tumblr_nt9comvtZO1qa0rryo1_500had a couple of fun rides including this group that included these two i picked up at a swanky apartment complex

they had both ordered a pool and it just so happened they were at the same place going to frat row.

on the way the girl goes to the guy, where do i know you, i KNOW you!

he says yeah i know you too, who are your friends? and i was thinking look how cute this gurl is we could be here all night as she lists off all her friends. but she starts anyways because whatevers

finally she says who are your friends. and i was thinking to myself this is no way to deduce.

he goes where do you work. she giggles.

she says where do you work then she says OMG WE WORKED TOGETHER FRESHMAN YEAR IN THE LIBRARY!

turned out he’s now on the football team.

omg youre the kicker, right? she said.

no, safety. but close!