like it is now. and i think to myself you cant go to sleep yet because you havent written on the busblog. and if you dont write on the busblog before you go to sleep and if you sleep till 11am then you have to LAist for a few hours and it’ll be 3pm before you busblog which means it would be 6pm east coast which means all them might miss whatever brilliance ive got for em.

but now that i write that i realize that im insane. i got no brilliance left.

on this blog at least.

wednesday Laist had our biggest day ever. almost 100k page views. about 80,000 people came to see what we had done.

and whats ironic is a lot of what people came there to see was the white stripes playing

one note.

so rad. i love everything.

we’re on par to getting a million page views this month. totally outrageous. my entire life is a bizarre dream. so much good. and then random acts of totally lameness.

today was good though. i had drinks with my boss at the w in westwood.

pussy for days in that place. damn.

anyways my boss is probably the best boss ive ever had in that he trusts me and leaves me be and i trust him and leave him be. i also respect him and the other cofounder because a) theyre actual bloggers b) they work their ass off c) all they care about is results d) theyre smart

in high school the first thing that they should teach you is: you will have to work for idiots.

the next thing they should teach you is: this is how you repair an automobile.

and when you become a junior they should teach you: this is how you bring a woman to orgasm left handed.

because when you know that your bosses will probably be morons, you will stop thinking that youre the crazy one, and you will learn to appreciate the rare times when you will have someone to work for who has their shit together

on LAist’s climb to the top ive been offered way higher paying gigs with better known companies. but the first thing i ask is: how often will my phone ring

if the answer is more than once a month then i tell them to come back to me when there are seven zeroes in the offer because to have a boss trust you is priceless

but a million will do.

its also rare to talk with someone where you understand everything that theyre saying, and vice versa. especially when you rarely communicate.

i have a very good thing going and im so grateful and i know that God has something to do with it because the way i got here and what has happened since i got here have been so dramatic that i know it couldnt be luck.

weeks before i was fired at buzznet i was vomiting blood.

a year after, ive helped bring a site that very few people were talking about into a blog thats ranked, wow, 757 out of 8 million.

dont jump off the bridge when the going gets rough

because maybe it gets rough right before it gets nice because the devil knows whats next for you, and hes trying extra hard to fight it.

so my advice is vomit the blood, flush, wash your hands, brush your teeth, and stick to yr guns.

tonight im seeing sonic youth at the greek play the entirety of daydream nation

free

and still, i bet, you have it better tonight.

for inciting a riot against the biggest church in history? how about for asking for the popes head?

since when did we make rallying against The Man illegal.

damn the man.

here in LA the catholic church is throwing money at their kiddie fucking problem.

to them the only problem was they got caught.

so there are a hundred people who filed a class action law suit, which they won and now the church is selling a few of their many real estate holdings in LA to pay the group about $666 million.

and yes there are many more waiting in line to get their money from the church.

but my question is, what is the worst person in the world, and what do you normally do to the worst person in the world.

is the worst person a murderer who takes life away from someone? or is it worse to literally fuck over a child and then have them live with that experience their whole lives?

therefore shouldnt we be treating child rapists on the same level? or at least seriously?

how can society or even reasonable people sit back and let a freakish organization who does not even obey their own bible (nowhere in it does it say that priest need to be chaste) pay out hundreds of millions of dollars AND THEN NOT ARREST THOSE IN CHARGE? namely Cardinal Mahoney, who knew of some of these criminals and admitted that he didnt call the cops?

the most important relationship in my life, next to the one i have with my mother and the chicago cubs, is the one i have with God.

i am positive that one of the biggest influences in my spiritual life was when i was a kid at a Christian summer camp where instead of playing basketball i walked through the woods of the complex and spent an hour each day in a tiny practice church learning about the bible.

there were only a few of us kids and a few monks. almost everyone else were a good distance away, through the woods, playing a variety of sports.

if anything disgusting would have happened to me in those woods or in that church along the lines of what has happened at the hands of over 5,000 catholic priests over the last 40 years, my life would be severely different today in a negative way.

the fact that im super trusting, especially in matters of religious faith, is one of the things that i notice is very different about me compared to a lot of others that i know. if some jackass stomped that out of me at an early age, who knows what fucked up paths i would have taken in reaction to something like that.

instead, i was treated with respect by spiritual teachers, not perverts, by men who had God and good foremost in their minds, not sucking off little boys.

the people and the institutions who have harbored and protected these, the most evil of all creatures, should be punished severely in a way that sends a message to the future generations: you cannot touch children in that way no matter who the hell you are or what you allegedly do for a living.

for when we allow anyone to get away with molesting peoples lives and damaging them forever, we are accomplishes of satan, and the sin becomes ours.

burn down the fucking church.

im not pretty. im short tempered. im bald. now im bearded. i wear the worst clothes ever. ive been know to stink.

i have athletes feet in the summer. i have rabies. i have babies. i have b cups. they turn to c cups in the summer. i have hair on my back i have hair on my nads i have hair on my back.,

i have hair on my babies. i have hair on my babies backs.

i sell babies.

i listen to bad music.

i only have one thing on my mind ever.

blogging.

when they seduce me after a few months they end up saying fine enough get off me, and run to the bathroom.

and cry.

ive been known to be the most disgusting man ever. probably because men who have filthy fetishes tell you first and it doesnt seem so bad. but if a fellow appears to be normal and then does something insanely disgusting its more shocking.

my hairy back moustashed babies who speak with fake french accents are shocking.

maybe they like me cuz i dont judge. little boobies, fine. flapjacks? fine. big whopping melons where ones a whole cup size bigger than the other. fine. more to laugh about. more to kid about. more to tie up while watching espn.

at the bbq the other day i saw a young lady smoking a cigar. now in most corners of the world that is a simple cry for attention and since i was sorta a cohost of the bbq i introduced myself and we chatted and it was nice and all was well until the next day when someone sent me that picture and said shes 17.

maybe i should just apply to be editor of seventeen magazine and just get it over with.

in other news the cubs got jason kendall and he played his first game as a cub today and when he was announced and walked to the plate everyone at wrigley stood up and applauded for him and i stood up and applauded too waking the barely twentysomething on my couch who was taking a mid afternoon catnap and she said

you are NOT cheering a guy simply walking to the plate

and i said am i blogging?

and she said um no.

and i said then theres only one other thing on my mind.

and she closed her eyes and started fake snoring superfast but it sounded like she was hyperventilating.

and it woke the babies.

she was waiting in her car outside my house texting her friends and she honked when i got near my house. fuck i had a date!

i know im a stoner, i told her, while she tried to get an explanation out of me, but sometimes i forget.

the former laist editor carolyn kellogg and i went to the backstage cafe tonight and i had totally forgotten that i told this one chick to come over if she wanted but who thought she wanted. so i forgot about it and it had nothing to do with this amazing weed that happened to make me dance way more than usual

and say the sweetest things to girls on the internet message system.

the backstage cafe is in beverly hills california 9433 Brighton Way and it was formerly owned by police drummer stuart copelands brother ian. not miles who managed the police and later sting, but the less famous brother ian who was an agent for a lot of those IRS bands, and sadly he recently died.

and who has an amazingly nice bar in beverly hills where on tuesday nights you can hear 60s 70s and even todays stars jamming with long time host Punkin Pie, most recently known for testifying at the phil spector trial.

totally drank totally had a great time talking with carolyn and the two bartenders totally forgot for a little while that i had a life, responsibilities, and a tad more mojo than i gave myself credit for

because there she was yelling at me and i was trying to figure out, does she like yelling or is she trying to steak some claim

and i waited for my chance to say sorry but it didnt happen

so i slowly walked backwards through the apartment

first through the living room and she didnt notice

then through the kitchen and she didnt notice she just yelled and looked around and yelled that the place was a mess

why are all these boxer shorts on the floor?

i beat off in em.

WHAT?

but i kept walking backwards and eventually we were in my bedroom and i walked into my walk in closet and she said what are you doing in there? and i said i really need to change into my pajamas

PAJAMAS? YOURE NOT TAKING ME OUT?

and i poked my head out of the closet and i asked you still wanna go out?

and she looked at her feet and back at me and said fool look how im dressed!

and she did look pretty dressed up.

and i put on my pajama bottoms, came out of the closet, turned off the big light and plugged in the christmas lights.

crawled into bed

and said if youre gonna yell at me the new rule is you have to be topless
but if youre gonna go then the new rule is you have to slam the door really hard when you leave, so hard the aruba liscense plate falls from above the door.

and i slipped on my sleeping mask and i

SLAM

said my prayers

and i was out.

buttheniwokeuptowritethis

xcept of course the things you want oh so badly.

she was eighteen and willing.

arent they all.

nothings good enough for you someone once declared of me. and she was right about so much.

she had reverse seduced me.

she got me to think about the possibilities as i was telling her about the possibilities.

little had i realized that all she kept saying was my favorite word

maybe its your favorite word too.

fuckyeahtony

i said all weekend just me you and the ceiling

she said what are we gonna do with the ceiling

i said youre gonna look at it for a long time

then im gonna look at it

then youre gonna look at it for a really long time

then im gonna look at it for a while

then youre gonna say i thought that old man was exaggerating.

i think after jackass, that generation just figured that daring people to do outrageous physical activities was totally normal.

but its snot.

you really shouldnt be able to tell someone to meet you at the snooty fox on friday and dont expect to leave until sunday and they actually meet you there and they actually bring all the things that you ask them to, and they actually be into you

being as fat as you are and boring and nymphonic, etc.

she forgot the boom box so i was constantly getting up to turn the shitty tv to a station that was playing music of some sort but all it kept being was people talking and people selling shit.

yap yap yap.

so i turned on the radio

yap

yap.

then i said whats wrong with me,

lets hear you for a while.

and some girls cant wait to be listened to

for once.

via my crappy canon g7 thats totally overpriced for what it does, because, if you remember, i had an s45 that took way better pictures for cheaper, years ago.

you call this progress?

so what im going to do is work on getting a real camera cuz this is retardulous.

karisa and i ate sushi today. these people next to us had a small canoe of food on it. it was awesome.

karisa made me eat these little baby fish eggs on this sushi roll deal. i kept thinking how much i would make my kids cry if i had kids.

hey watch me eat these little babies.

listen to their worlds crunch.

then we talked about how weird it is that some plants and flowers make delicious seeds so that animals will eat the seeds, travel a little while and poop the seeds in their… fertilizer.

like most things that have to do with nature, it just makes me believe in God more. because its very hard to believe that there was a gaseous explosion and all of a sudden there were plants that jibed perfectly with animals in that the plants exuded oxygen and tasty seeds and the animals provided co2 and poop for their ass.

thats a system created by an amazing higher being. “i will make shit be the center of my universe.”

i have so much laundry to do its amazing.

would you give your laundry to cheerleaders and give them $20 to pick up your laundry, wash it, fold it and bring it back to you in two days? $35 for next day? yes.

of course the cheerleaders just pick up and deliver the laundry, secretly they just drop it off to old ladies who charge $8. $6 goes to the cheerleaders and $6 goes to the house. the cheerleaders also accept tips so theyre happy.

yes im watching big brother but because they have two gay guys in there and two tools and someones dad theres pretty much zero sexual tension, particularily because the hottest chick in there is too young and too asexual, plus the dad is her dad.

crazy stupid what cbs did. if they were smart theyd start doing some double evictions and infiltrating the house with some fresh blood of horny people. cuz the only guys whos horny in there is too pretty and the chicks dont like him.

cheerleader laundry services inc.

tomorrow i will save the record industry.

oh wait, cant, tomorrows the day of rest. monday.

that i really believe that i jinxed myself by writing what i wrote below.

i usually tell people that unless they think that they can cause good in their lives with positive thinking, that they cannot cause bad in their lives with negative thinking. therefore the concept of jinxing should be moot.

however i Do believe that we can make nice things happen out of positive thinking, so when i wrote about writing about sad things in the busblog creating sadness, sure enough yesterday i had a horrible day.

i should have just gone to the movies.

ive probably lost all of my writers on the blog.

ive probably sabatoged whatever mojo we had.

i should have just taken a drive to santa barbara.

we did have an amazing day of posts, dont get me wrong. 24 i think. and even one from ken layne about a pick up your dog poop party coming up.

i just think i need a vacation. and i need to do some real meetings where we really talk about things.

or a style guide or something. who knows. all i know is the dodgers and the giants are on tv and karisa is coming over for sushi and i have to shave off my beard soon.

sonic youth happens this week. so does an LAist bbq starring my boss from ny.

our neighborhood project is the best thing ive ever thought up.

next to 1001 reasons LA is better than FLA

ok i feel better. hi saturday.

when you think you have someone of the opposite sex to spend lots of time with, and then all of a sudden you dont.

and for years i have made this blog all about looking on the bright side of things. mostly because i didnt want to make this a self fullfilling prophecy experiment of sadness. if anything i wanted to do the opposite and think positively and only write about the good things in life and thereby magically creating poof awesomeness.

and in some ways i guess it did work out that way. through this blog ive gotten electronic devices, cash money, nudes in the email, actual live girls, free trips places, awards, overwhelming praise. and now, the perfect job.

but when i was in vegas i was listening to the radio with matt good rock star and we would talk about the music and so much great music is rooted in sad tales.

unhappy endings.

unhappy middles.

fucked up beginnings.

now id never claim that life aint nothin but bitches and money but that doesnt mean that everyone doesnt think that way.

its funny how i grade things on a sliding scale.

pat and jeff whalen were over here the other night and we drank until 6am and we watched acdc and we will accept so little greatness in music today because today does not have the greatness of yesterday.

could you imagine what would happen if its a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll came out today?

ive decided that im no longer going to cook chicken for large groups any more on the bbq.

theyd rather just have a lot of hot dogs

which is fine since thats a thousand times easier.

its 420am i should probably go to sleep or something like that