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we have a Commissioner who appears to be running two teams, both his own team Death Valley Demons, and a second team that shares a name with the league that he created, The Evil Empire.

He has been caught adjusting the Waiver order to better serve his two teams, he has deleted all the conversations on the Public Message board where he outted himself by posting as one team and then (like the jackass he is) mere minutes later with his second team, and now he has blocked me from posting on the message board and from emailing you.

because i knew he would do this (he is very slow) i emailed you all yesterday before he got around to banning me, so that you would come here and see some of the proof.

Above you will see what he will have you believe are coincidences. Coincidences that two managers in the wee hours of the morning posted minutes apart from each other. But its no coincidence that now those posts are deleted. Infact all the posts are now deleted on our message board. What does that tell you? It should tell you that hes hiding something he doesnt want you to see.

Well unfortunately for this jackass you cant delete your history on Yahoo. So lets see what The Evil Empire – yahoo id# ericdraven_1986 and Death Valley Demons – yahoo id# the_crow_will_rise have done on Yahoo Fantasy over the years…

The first thing you should notice by clicking on their profiles is theyve “both” been playing Yahoo for just two years now, starting in 2006, and whattya know they both started with fantasy football, and lookee here, they both played in leagues with 12 teams. And surprise surprise, the league our commish was commish of… he won. Pretty hard to lose when you’re a) the commish and b) playing with an extra team.

But 12 team leagues are pretty standard. The most damning thing about this guy’s history is when baseball season of last year came around.

Somehow “both” of these guys (Evil Empire and Death Valley Demons) ended up in a 6-man league. Now its very rare to wind up in a six man leagues. basically theyre a joke. theres no competition, theres no fun, everyone ends up in the playoffs. Basically theyre what happens when newbie, sloppy, lame commishes dont get it together and get the word out there that they have a league and instead of 12 to 20 people showing up, only 6 can get scrounged up and the Live Draft happens before the commish can delete the league or reschedule the draft for a later date.

Sure enough, Evil Empire was the commish of that 6-man league and he won and Coincidences of Coincidences several other user accounts in our league were also in that league

the_crow_will_rise (Death Valley Demons)came in first place
glap68 (mets) came in third place
combatready11 (prowlers) came in fifth place
ericdraven_1986 (The Evil Empire) came in last place

winning a league where you have almost all the teams is fun if youre an amateur cheater, so this year he decided to try that technique in a 20 team league and bring along four of his aliases. and to be honest, who knows if he has more than four? but we know he has at least the Evil Empire. and we know hes a bad liar, and we can conclude that his penis is probably the size of a wart.

those things are neither here nor there. however it is interesting to see that there are other players in our league who were also in a 6 man league, and NONE of them finished in the same position – coincidence? or does the commish actually have more than 2 teams in our league?

btw, commish i can beat you even if you had four teams. just dont cheat by stockpiling your players all on one team thru shady trades and bogus Waiver tampering, like youre trying to set up.

for the sake of argument, im willing i was willing to believe that it is just a weird fucking coincidence that four of the GMs in our league ALL found themselves in 6-man leagues last year and all finished in different slots. thats how generous i am. and thats how sure i am that bro has at least two teams, as he proved when he deleted all the posts and blocked me from saying more.

this is the deal i tried to arrange with him privately, but since he refuses to act like a man, this is the deal i will ask you to demand from him.

1. stop playing one of your teams. probably the best to stop playin is Evil Empire since the commish’s official team is sorta neccessary.

2. revert the Waiver terms to 2 days. currently its 0 days which means if he wants to “trade” players from one of his teams to the other, all he has to do is drop them at 5am (when only he is awake) and pick the players up on the other team.

3. quit being a fucking asshole cheater

4. unlock me from everything im locked.

5. if he was a real man he would hand over the Commissionership to someone else since hes proven that hes undeserving and untrustworthy, but we cant all be perfect.

6. quit deleting public message posts.

so there you have it, please post messages on the message board or email him directly. the season has only just begun, we can put this behind us or we can have a totally ruined league, the ball is now in your court. but i would like to continue to play since i believe my team will win, and the main reason that dude is cheating is because he knows that on an even playing field he cant be me.

lets see who’s right.

– tony

ps im willing to believe that i could be wrong about mets and prowlers because i dont have as much damningly clear info on “them” as i do on Evil Empire (seriously dude, you really wanna use the same word ‘Empire’ on your fake team as you used for the League Name – Empire Strikes Back?) and Death Valley Demons, and if they write me to claim their innocence, im all ears.

born to daughters of the revolution and to sons of senators sons of senators sons, karisa ran away at an early age to join the circus but they already had a fire eater so she said i can walk the tightrope and they said already got one of those and she said how about the sword swallower and they said got two of those

and she said i could guess peoples weights and they said youre hired

but all that ever happened was shed be right and the ladies would blush and the men would get slapped for laughing.

so she moved to california during the dot com boom and i hired her for twelve dollars an hour and she never once made me feel bad for getting her at such a low price

nor i her.

and now she makes more than twice what i do so whos got the last laugh.

thats right, the irs.

karisa is one of the funnest people ive ever met, and ive met pretty much everyone. tonight we went to see ms britney spears, the hottest mother of two divorcee in the joint.

earlier karisa had been saying that she had started celebrating her birthday a little early and rubbed her belly revealing the slightest of paunch youd ever imagine if you could even imagine something so wee, and there was britney ten minutes later with some visibile baby weight still there but not caring, wearing a bra, a skirt and the worst wig in the joint.

and getting applauded, and loved.

people loved britney spears so much last night that they paid their money for their tickets knowing full well (becuase of the previous 2 concerts this week in southern cal) that she would only do 15 minutes, theyd be lipsynced and thered be no encore.

indeed ive never seen a more psyched up and excited crowd in my life. people were dancing to the excellent dj, they were laughing, they were yelling, and at any point that there was a lul during britney’s deal theyd scream.

and when it was over, they left, so satisfied.

proof that the recipe for a generation of the short attention spanned pop culture junies – quick concerts of big stars who play music we’re familiar with.

afterwards karisa and i went over to the sky bar where they asked if we were guests of the hotel and i said its karisas birthday and the dude looked at her in her tight sleeveless obey shirt

unlatched the velvet rope

and said this way

“One day this shit isn’t going to be people running. One day people are gonna be prepared for police to come and fuck with them.“

our coverage was pretty awesome, i must say

And let the LAPD videos from yesterday roll in…*
Is the LAPD asking for an extended consent decree?
Of Riot Gear and Rubber Bullets

and if i was a rock promoter, i would figure out a way to get rage against the machine to play the la coliseum and just get it over with

so i had to haul ass to the post office by foot. omg.
my shit had to be postmarked or else my landlord would get extra money.
how does he deserve any extra money?

from now on
i will only write
in haikus

but i will be able to change the rules whenever i want.

the funny thing to me about my book, how to blog, was i didnt really spend very much time talking about how to blog.

therefore perhaps i should call the next one, introductory haiku techniques.

i am going to a baseball game tomorrow with the lovely young woman who was instrumental in getting me my job at LAist and even though readers of the busblog will probably not approve, she will never have to reach in her wallet all day.

i owe her a lot and im so very grateful.

today my bosses said i was doing a good job and thats always very nice. but its not me, its the staff. and of course the influence of raymi, and of course the Lord.

and probably also shira and layne, and the scientologists

and of course karisa adn jeanine and tomdog and basart

and the girl who called this evening after i had just walked to the post office all the way back to midnight tacos who pulled up to my door and said hey and i said why didnt you call first and she said i did why didnt you take yr phone and i was all oh no wonder things were so quiet

a walk without a phone. imagine that.

and she whispered got time for a quickie

her.

and kelly clarkson aka high pitch.

but the problem is when im satisfied in that area im a tad too focused on work, and today i worked for twelve hours straight noon to midnight and there is something very wrong with me.

because when i realized i had only gotten up to pee and get more water or rum (you really should alternate) and then sat right back down to the computer, for twelve hours, i went to my room to get some pants so i could eat some food.

for some reason my body had allowed me to be quite content on four or five organic seven grain corn flakes each hour.

do you why i worked so much today. because the penis was happy because the heart was happy because the mind was happy. and because i have an unbelievable assortment of contributers that are churning out some incredible things.

i dont know if you garden but i do. my mother did and because i love her i learned too. true i learned so that when weed became legal i could quit everything and turn out the greatest variety of weed known to man, but i have learned to garden. and one of the nice things about gardening is when you realise that something has actually started growing. and whats really fun is when it sprouts up fast.

its fun because its partially because of you, partially because of it and partially because of some unknown magical force that for the lack of a better term we’ll call God.

that three man weave of love is addictive like no other video game ive ever played. it doesnt matter if we’re losing or winning im driven exactly the same. not out of fear, not out of pressure, not out of lack of trust, only out of curiosity.

curiosity as in, what is this strange beast, what does this button do, what does this lever do when this is doing this, and then of course theres the human element.

people will always surprise you if you let them and sometimes they will blow your mind. and if youre smart it wont matter if they blow your mind by playing the piano well or talking about jesus or making out against a tree next to a bar in los feliz california.

i say this because some of the best new magic at LAist is from a photographer who goes to shitloads of dodger games. she does photo essays and writes funny ass commentary. here she talks about uggs.

however my favorite post recently was when zach did a photo essay of men walking down the street in high heels to raise awareness. you must check it out.

the beauty in every inch

and she said baby im a grown woman, i dont talk in inches any more.

after yesterdays fiasco i called over the sure thing. i said can you bring me some chinese food and a bong hit or ten? she brought over a bag of eh green buds and zancou chicken. everything is eh these days.

except you.

we had run out of forks and she was all im not going to doing to get you weed, get you food, suck your dick, AND do your dishes tony.

i was all who said anything about sucking my dick? we need forks woman.

some people would be offended by that but she laughed and laid back on the couch with her legs crossed seeing if i was going to seriously eat a half of a chicken with just a steak knife.

and the reason shes the sure thing is who goes to a chicken place known for its garlic paste and brings it to a dude shes about to make out with? answer: someone who can think of several other things that shed rather do with a man than kiss.

once i had finished my chicken and pita and garlic paste i asked her how her day was and she pushed me off the couch because as she says

if it aint on the floor it aint fuckin.

other day i was at a palm reader and she said pick a card. two of clubs.

she said you are a libra on the scorpio cusp. i said you can see that in that card? she said i can smell it on your breath.

she said as the days warms up tap into your scorpio side and when the days cool off your libra

and then she pushed me off the couch and i said whats the temperature today and she said seventy nine so i kissed er.

id say “watching regina spektor

at Coachella via the AT&T Blue Room,
with Arcade Fire coming up next”

but since its a blog i can link to where you need to go

and i can also tell you that i take back everything i ever said about regina

she is awesome an i love her and i will be loving her for a while.

arcade fire next.

prepare.

my coachella experience yeterday was prtty shitty. 6 hours to get there. then i had to park far away. then as i approached the gate i realized i had left my tickets in the car, so i had to hike the 2 miles to my car and back. hating everyone and everythign at that point, so coachella didnt really stand a chance.

it tried though. it showed me javis cocker. a place like coachella wouldnt seem like an ideal place to discover new bands since the sound is usually boomy at a big outdoor festival. but when you sing a song called “cunts are still running the world” somehow the message cuts through all the other distractions.

had a chicken on the stick and a beer with sunshine and claire so that was nice. then we saw bjork and gogol bordello. then i found my car, got in, and discovered that the radio had decided to completely not wanna work any more.

so two hour drive home in silence.

quite possibly the worst thing you could ever do to me, a man whose home always has the tv on and the itunes going.

so i devised a plan of attack for my new book that will come out just in time for christmas entiled

motel sex.

everyone pretty much told me no this week. it was pretty spectacular.

but then a few hours ago (its currently 614am) i found my sirius stiletto satelite radio. i found it in a hidden pocket of a new bag i have.

the xbi has been trying to woo me back. so they send me things and fuck with things and basically suggest that things would be better if i was back in black.

things are mellow when youre in the xbi is as much nonsense as having a war to make peace.

so they had sent me this bag for easter and i was all wtf and the card said for the most important holiday, the best bag we’ve created.

wrong. it swallows things and makes you think youve lost them. sure you can store lots of things in it but its too magical. easy on the magic over there.

the jesus and mary chain were eh

scarlett did not show up. instead they used annie from giant drag.

it only took me an hour to drive out there. the traffic was beautiful. everything was beautiful. i couldnt get a date so i just gave my ticket to a dude on a crazy bicycle.

today is coachella. its going to be 100 degrees. so i think i will arrive fashionably tardy.

the best thing that has happened to LAist in April revolved around the Dodgers. We got a gay writer, we got a season ticket holder, and we got the legendary Malingering all to write about the Dodgers and more. its called Dodgers Daily.

update: stereogum is linking my story in LAist and using my vid – horray!!!

yesterday i was down in the dumps. low. i didnt want to go outside and i didnt want to stay where i was. i had been invited to have my name on the guest list for the lemonheads and i had accepted a few days ago, but just as is norm when the time came closer i didnt want to go. particularly because everything had gone wrong all day.

the plan was for karisa to work out after work and i would pick her up at the gym which is very close to where the lemonheads were playing and we would walk down the street and drink to the pleasant music of giant drag, icarus line, and the lemonheads.

at 6 she was all so are going and i was all do you still wanna and she was all its up to you.

its up to me?

if it was up to me people would be required to have a beer and a joint a week. on sundays. youd be forced to go to a bar and have them swipe your drivers liscense and youd have to order a beer of some sort and drink it and say hi to someone.

and if it was up to me i wouldnt have gone to the lemonheads at that moment but i remembered something from a seinfeld episode where jerry told george that since everything usually goes wrong for him that maybe he should just do the opposite of everything he normally does.

so i told her 8? and she said 830? and i said how about 9 and at 910 we had gotten our first 7.50 each beer.

giant drag was eh icarus was horrible and evan dando didnt really seem all that ready to go play coachella. he was nice and all but, maybe you dont have to worry too much when you’re up against rage against the machine.

i love the el rey, i love the lemonheads and i had a really good time tonight but there are a few things id do differently if it was up to me about the el rey.

first thing is id open the balcony even for small shows. also id tell the security people to turn it down one notch. there were like five guys who were so into the lemonheads that they were raising their arms and singing around and then there were the rest of us who were just smiling and gooving along pleasantly.

in a situation like that you should never even notice the security. but last night they were so strict about every little thing that it was using a hammer for a fly situation.

and id knock the drink prices down a notch too. seven fifty for a beer? seven fifty is what you charge phoney assholes at soulless trendy disposable places, not the el rey.

i told karisa about my plan to save westwood. i was all why is it that westwood village, surrounded by affluence and youth, still suffering from some violence that went down in the fucking 80s?

people are falling all over themselves to create fake little westwood villages (the grove) and the real one is sufferring.

karisa said stop right there. she said, i go to school there at night and the traffic is so bad that if you did save westwood i would kill you because the traffic would be impossible.

and of course she was right.

and then she lost her cellphone because i had bad luck yesterday.