any house i live in, any town i live in, any planet i glide around in, i cant get the howard stern show on my radio clearly.

when i lived in frisco it was on some san jose station that you could barely hear in the city.

here in LA its on 97.1 which for some idiotic reason comes in terribly in hollywood. doesnt matter what radio i have it playing on.

so lately ive been listening to danny partridge and some chick.

its so bad that its encouraging.

listening to danny and this chick every morning i realize that anyone can have a radio show, anyone can make good money, anyone can be a star.

it means that maybe, just maybe, some of the ideas i have about taking over the world, i mean, the media, can come true.

i kid.

i just want to take over this blog.

i want this thing to be better, funnier, faster, tighter.

i want to see more people borrow from the design of this thing, to take a chunk from the style, etc.

last year we saw lots of people interview themselves, or interview their blogs, or interview inanimate objects.

this year im finally seeing some photo essays out there.

and recently it seems like everyone is audblogging.

im sure its just a coincidence. but its a nice one.

imitation is the highest form of flattery and flattery will get you everywhere.

made lust to a beautiful girl last night, america.

i have these huge windows right next to my bed and i have this little area where the blinds dont close all the way, and i get super paranoid that people will be able to see through that little area while im performing very intimate acts, so i usually put a pillow there.

this hot chick always rolls her eyes at me when i do this, and of course last night i noticed that we were RIGHT NEXT to the crack in the drapes and anyone who walked past could have seen things that theyve probably only seen at the end of that paris hilton sampler.

so i put the pillow there.

then we went about our business.

and after it was over i rang the little bell and the swedish interns came in with towels and cold drinks i noticed that the pillow had totally been kicked aside.

and my gorgeous visitor said Good cuz she thinks im nuts.

im not nuts.

just very shy, deep down.

but i could still beat danny partridges ass on the radio.

jarrett + doc searls + seliot

and ive been watching the reagans? and i even watched the reagans panel discussion that was also shown on showtime?

discussion: dumb

mini series: pretty good

cbs fucked up by not airing it. i don’t care what their numbers were this past month. they sold out to the right, they’re the bitch of the conservatives, and they let the rich and elite do their programming, soon they’ll be asking jeb bush how they should bang their wives.

james brolin does an excellent reagan. scary good. finally i consider this guy an actor.

as for the whiners on the right who bitched about it. they need to chill.

they need to stop mimicking rush and drudge and oreilly and all the others out there who squoosh their faces and waggle their fingers. reagan for all his phoniness and bungling and arms for hostages was totally loved by a ton of people in this country.

he doesn’t need your fucking help. nor does his legacy. no miniseries on cbs is going to bring his dying ass down.

still alive and there’s an airport and a freeway named after him.

everyone gave him a pass on his economics. everyone believes he singlehandedly destroyed communism.

everyone, including me, thought he was funny

but of course i think a lot of things are funny.

(pictured)

republicans are in the drivers seat and they’ve been in the drivers seat since reagan. only two things have derailed them temporarily 1) their incessant bitching 2) their undying lust affair with the bush clan.

if the right simply approached politics as unemotional businesspeople and economists they would come across as more intelligent, less fascist, and far more interesting.

bill oreilly and matt drudge look and sound like they went to the exact same back alley to get sticks shoved up their asses.

oreilly cant even sit straight.

drudge cant do anything straight.

watch rush fidget and readjust.

i don’t want to identify with someone who has something stuck up their ass.

that’s not where my inspiration comes from.

an optimist, and americans are known for their optimism, finds great value in possibilities

where is the enlightend visionary of the right, bubbling over with hope for the future, pride from the past, and finger on the pulse of today. courageous enough to embrace the responsibility of leadership and stand up to the rising tide of mediocrity while affecting positive change in the face of empty fears and baseless cowardice.

wherever he or she is, i bet they’re not sweating bullshit made-for-tv movies.

i had thanksgiving with my truest

coyote‘s incredible travel photos + sara and dan and tofurky + souptree

people are stepping down. feelings are getting hurt.

let me tell you right now. i do NOT want to head up Disney. send the wheelbarrows home. send the dancing girls back to where they belong. and for the love of pete send Pluto back. i like Goofy, not Pluto.

plus i just want to write. i just want to travel the globe. i just want to blog.

i dont want to fix Disney.

i would blog about Disney. i would blog about Hollywood Records. I would blog about Tsar touring on Hollywood Records with what will most probably be the hottest rock record of 2004. but im not going to fix the mouse.

if i were to fix the mouse i would start with bible stories. disney loves to take old, uncopywritten stories and water them down. the old testament is full of stories they could plunder. they did a halfassed job with Prince of Egypt but havent really tried with much else.

if Disney came out with a bible story each Christmas every year for the next 20 years it would appease the so called religious right and it would open up the good book and so many of the great stories in there for people around the world.

then i would overhaul ABC. only thing worth watching on abc nowadays is madden doing monday night football.

first thing i would do is bring back american bandstand with dick clark, but it would be an hour and it would be on friday nights at 7pm and it would have huge stars and up n comers. then there would be music videos till midnight. and at midnight there would be the ABC Rock Concert.

and it would rock.

this week the Strokes, next week Marilyn Manson, the week after that Slayer.

Christina Aguilera had her live concert on the WB last night. nobody talked about it, nobody watched it, nobody cared. ABC shoulda shown that shit. and it shoulda been on at midnight.

according to jim? gone.

nightline? gone.

threat matrix and extreme makeover? GONE.

i would take conan or howard stern and i would give them the late night slot against leno and dave. i would destroy them.

oprah would get off her black ass and find her way into prime time. sure she’d still do the afternoon thing, but abc is blowing it by letting her coast. work that ho. have her introduce movies like they do on amc.

monday night baseball would come back on abc, and saturday afternoon baseball would debut. its the national pasttime, bitches. show some respect. and what could be finer than waking up with john miller on a saturday afternoon to give you the Game of the Week?

nothing.

the Disney movie would be on Thursdays. quit it with trying to hoard those tapes. show them on abc too. in primetime against Friends. the people buy your stupid Dumbo tapes anyhow. many times over.

ok, my 15 minute break is over, but once again i dont want to run the studio, i just want to blog about it.

thanks anyhow

tp

green{e}house effect + soundbitten + buzzmachine

was our girl splink’s 23rd birthday.

hard to tell since everything about her is a mystery.

you’d think that after a year of linking her and talking about her and occasionally emailing and chatting i’d have a little info on her but i dont.

and she coulda come to one of the tsar shows lately and said hi or i coulda gone to the troubadour and looked around for a runway model trying to hide, but neither of us did that. and its not my style. i like to give people their space.

flagrant k. splink was born in the wisconsin dells in the back seat of a chevy cutlass during tommy bartlett water show. always the jokester she would hold her mommas hand in the mall and suddenly scream, IM BEING KIDNAPPED! and then laughing her little girl head off when the security arrived.

soon she became a runway model but didnt like the hours. only chanel would allow her to work from 6p – 9p Monday thru Wednesdays but even that became tiresome to our girl, who quit and became a porsche saleswoman in encino.

she broke all sorts of sales records and quit when she met a young black college basketball player named lamar.

they made beautiful love all over hollywood, santa monica, and the valley. they made such a stunning couple. he was tall and dark and chiseled, she was thin and pale and had super long blonde hair that she liked to whip around when they were being reckless in parking lots, against palm trees and in her luxury box at staples.

the romance ended when he moved to italy to turn pro.

she moped and wrote and learned how to paint and take photographs.

some of her drawings you can now see on her blog, which, by the way is one of my favorites.

definitely in my top 5.

of all time.

i still dont really know what she looks like or if shes even a she, but i think she is.

her travel writing is some of the best ive ever read.

shes a star no matter what she does.

we’re all so very lucky to read what she writes.

please join me in wishing fragrant a happy birthday + my interview with her last year

i would like it to come and go quickly, and id like my neighbors dog to shut the fuck up.

but as for gifts, im good. my tivo records everything i need. me and solomon just upgraded my computer. my bike needs to be fixed, but i suppose that can wait.

my stereo could be better, i could have a flat panel monitor, everyone who reads this could buy blook II and make me feel like a stud.

i guess i could use some new clothes but the ladies dont even notice clothes when you have the right attitude.

my mom offered to get me a stacking washer + dryer a few years back, that thing could come in handy nowadays.

maybe a new space heater wouldnt suck. mines about 10 years old.

i still havent gotten madden.

but i dont need anything.

i wouldnt mind a girl who understood me. a borderline nympho, exhibitionist tendencies. a life wish. addicted to lingerie and saying ok.

but i havent found that category on ebay.

i did find some new Christmas Story toys. infact, the kid who got his tongue stuck to the flag pole (pictured) will even autograph the re-released DVD, apparently that film is 20 yrs old this year.

anyways, they have four action figures you can get.

the best one is you can get the kid, flick. he comes with the flag pole so you can recreate that magic movie moment as often as you want.

you can get the leg lamp if you want. authorized.

and of course, there is the lunch box. autographed.

ebay has the christmas ornaments for you, the bobbleheads, boxers, as they should.

but what home is complete without the leg lamp light set?

and what laser disc collection is worth it’s salt without this twelve inch bad boy?

i just want to know why no one on ebay is selling this chestnut, starring the flag pole kid.

planet sara + makeout city+ leahs first audblog post

last night while i was passed out and they went straight for the garage and cracked open the soda fridge.

i caught them this morning trying to defrost some rib roast.

they flung feces at me, but i had some of my own and im a better shot.

fuckers.

corralled most of them before kickoff this morning but i think theres one around here hiding cuz i can smell cigarette smoke.

during their rampage they knocked over the tommy chong bong and got bongwater all over my computer and now my box needs its button pushed and held before it will turn on.

and no, im not talking about clipper girls cousin.

so i tried to burn my porn real quick off my hard drive just incase this thing has a short thats dying to pop and fritz out this whole mo fo and the computer shut off about 5 minutes into the burn, so this might be my last dispatch till tomorrow.

this all might be karmic payback for not picking up the phone when the 90 year old landlady called.

it was her on tuesday who the firetrucks and ambulance was for.

on thanksgiving day she called me while i had a fork full of hot steamy soul food and she wouldnt tell me why but insisted that i come over.

i did.

she said her backdoor was open and unlocked.

gross.

got over there and she had me adjust her pillows.

she had locked herself inside her room. instead of a bedroom door she had a screen door. it was ripped by the handle so she could lock it from her side but if someone needed to come in they could slip their hand through the rip in the screen.

she really isnt that crazy.

she told me she was making a will, what did i want.

i told her i wanted some of her mothers original paintings.

she said, which ones. i said the ones youve been looking at all these years, and i pointed to the ones behind me.

there was a totally uneaten can of wet cat food on top of a table. it had been mushed at a little, and its consistency was sagging so at a quick glance it looked like a heap of shit on a plate. but it was just cat food.

her cat cowered beneath the table.

the place smelled of piss and she told me that she couldnt walk any more, that it was right where her left front pocket would be if she wasnt wearing a housecoat.

she said she couldnt walk anymore and showed me a little trash can where she said she would probably use

she said her new girl was black and good but wouldnt be around until monday

she said her doctor was out of town until monday and he had left the number to the doctor who was going to cover for him, but she didnt remember his name.

she asked if i was going to be in town this weekend.

i lied and said no.

just then the phone rang. it was her best friend in illinois. she had told me about him before. she said hi cliff to him and told him to call her later and he slowly said that he would.

i looked around. i liked her place.

she told me to go look in the living room for anything else that i would want.

she had old records, great old books. i wanted everything.

i returned and she told me to make sure i had closed the screen door in the living room.

i told her all i wanted was this old book of mark twain stories.

she said, is that it? that i had been so nice to her.

i hadnt been so nice.

she bought me a chocolate tort once.

she had me write down the numbers of people like this animal rescue guy who she wanted all the left over stuff to go to.

she wanted him to have most of her money cuz she loves animals.

good thinking, i told her.

she called a few hours later. i didnt answer. she knows a lot of people.

she also knows 9-1-1.

she said her biggest fear was what would happen to her cat.

when she called 9-1-1 on tuesday they told her that they would have to take her to the hospital. she said what about my cat, they said who cares about your cat.

so she didnt go to the hospital.

next day she realized that the animal rescue guy would take care of her cat.

i know if i promised her that i would take care of the cat she would give me everything that she has, records, books, new tv, 100 year old original american art that really is good

cases of ensure.

but i dont like cats.

even mellow ones who pretty much just hang out.

i barely like monkeys.

verbungle + dc + the time for pants

competition since the times is ignoring it?

its two pm. im eating a mcrib tv dinner. im scared of the leftovers from last nights thai fiesta with rosalita.

im wondering seriously about playboy online. wondering if they would hire me.

id cover the miss world competition for them if they wanted.

here we are at the miss world pageant in sanya china, a southern island of hainan

hey how many virgins in sanya

hey none

the winner of the “beach beauty” competition was this comely redhead, rosanna davison, center, miss ireland who was all, thats right bitch.

daughter of the scary brit 80s singer chris de burgh “lady in red” “dont pay the ferryman”

106 of the most beautiful girls in the world are here, playboy.

and every single one of them has a story to tell.

thank you for sending me here.

its very warm.

cokes cost two dollars.

they dont have diet coke they have coke lite.

so you go, two coke lites please and they say four dollars please

so you give them five.

why not.

i came in third in the mens competition.

fyi.

for your ass.

flagrant + kzug + palm trees

nothing i like better than a blonde model marrying a young black millionaire. but hasnt kobe taught you anything about marrying young?

i know shes hot. and im sure shes wonderful. it dont matter.

you need to check yourself bro.

how many majors have you won this year while youve been diddlin this’n?

zip.

shes no good for you.

even your crazy old man knows it.

“Let’s face it, a wife can sometimes be a deterrent to a good game of golf,” Earl Woods said regarding the announcement of his son’s engagement.

unless youre willing to say, “im tiger woods and i dont give a fuck about golf any more, all i care about is this blonde, all blonde, swedish piece of ass,” then stanford didnt teach you shit.

i cant even imagine how hot that might be.

in a bikini

slippin into the hot tub after you just came in third and only get to cash a $77,000 check.

better luck next week.

but you do not have to marry that shit.

i wanna marry that shit. trust me. you can wanna marry it. just dont marry it.

23

she can still get a discount on eurail passes

your girl was a nanny a few years ago.

you dont marry the nanny.

not before you break

all

the records in golf

black man.

excuse me, but wasnt that the deal you signed when you sold your soul to nike?

no way do you get the money, a few records, and the girl.

people need to know that this wasnt a fluke.

so im sorry but i cannot be the minister at your wedding.

win ten tournaments in a row

win a tournament in a koofi

or better yet, win one in a dress

and then i’ll let you marry that supra hot girl you got there.

maybe the hottest player’s wife around.

but until i can say something like, a black man not only won the masters but won it in a dress so fuck you all, then youre going to have to win a few hundred more tournaments

before you game totally goes to hell.

so, easy tiger

you know how many nannys wanna marry me too

we cant have you turning into pooh

big dumptruck + holiday snowglobe + sean bonner + liljeqvist

but i like the counterculture. the punk rock undercurrent. the against the grain subsector.

youd think id dress differently, but nah. im not that cool.

today is buy nothing day. im not sure why youre not supposed to buy nothing but i think it has something to do with the fact that today is the biggest shopping day of the year.

and about fucking up the program.

interestingly, this year i actually have something that im selling, and buy nothing day makes me wonder if im trying to sell so many that i get rich, or am i simply trying to offer something cool to people?

either way, i dont plan on buying anything today.

radio shack had dvd players for $49 with $20 rebates, but generally you get what you pay for, especially there.

when shack is part of your name shit better cost $29 after rebate.

i watched the hot chick this morning on my tivo. i laughed out loud about eight times. maybe nine.

why didnt the media tell me the hot chick was funny?

damn media.

all the things you people say drudge tells you, did he ever tell you that the hot chick was pretty good?

what about andrew sullivan?

for years i wondered why the busblog was relatively popular, and now im starting to figure out why.

cuz those losers you allegedly read dont tell you anything, really.

dont read drudge today day.

g-man + adbusters + the fat guy